Missing someone

Grief is such a strange bedfellow, isn’t it? It can be raw and cruel, or subtle plus all things in between.
I continue to miss my brother after all these years (over 50 now, unbelievably). He was a young man, in the prime of life, with a rosy future, but cancer had other ideas. I often wonder how his life would have evolved and how he would have looked as he aged (he was a very handsome young man, the girls chased him 😊). I can weep quite unexpectedly, all these years later.
Like so many of you my parents and parents in law are gone, two good friends are gone, too, plus other close family, as well - but that is life, of course, and we have to try to cope whatever way we can. But that grief fellow never goes away, does he, and sometimes, it’s just so hard.
💐

No, grief is an uncomfortable burden, always there, lurking around, making itself known, lest you should ever forget for too long.

I feel as if everything that belonged to the person is deleting them when you have to sort out their belongings. I couldn’t even go to my mum’s sheltered apartment to clear it because of this feeling. When I went there after my husband did it for me, it was empty and I cried. Everything was gone. I felt as if she’d been rubbed out. Also, it was my own fault of course, by letting my husband do it, some items that I especially wanted to keep, got taken to the second hand shop or the tip. That still grieves me greatly. It’s my own fault of course. The things I did manage to bring home, little things like a glass bowl that was a wedding present to my parents, I just love using it, and some other items that were theirs. Maybe I put too much emphasis on these items, because they’re just things, but I feel a connection to my parents by using them.

I understand well about items you have that belonged to your parents. I have and treasure items that belonged to mine. I’m sure that many others here have some, too. If they bring comfort, then why not? I do not think you are putting too much emphasis on those items madelene - they are memories of your loved ones and, as you say, a connection.

I think that's one of the hardest things, looking around an empty place that was once home.

It's just made me cry, thinking of how it felt, and once again, I'm surprised - it crept up again.

Somebody wrote on here once that they saw some nice beetroot in the supermarket, thought how much their mum loved a cheese and beetroot sandwich, and started crying to think she'd never enjoy another.

Today I put my tree up ready for my grandson's to decorate tomorrow after we have been to see Santa. My husband loved Christmas. Normally I feel ok putting up the tree . But today an overwhelming saddens washed over me . Our last Christmas was 2003 and after lunch and my husband had had a sleep we talked about his funeral and he wanted to reach his 47th birthday 2nd February and we promised to get him there and we did he died 4 days later.

I don't normally feel this sad until Christmas eve. I made a pact with myself once he died never to be too be sad on Christmas day and I have kept it .

So I am writing down here so it gets out of my head. I have had a really good week and went to the Brain Charity event on Thursday and the 90 second video I made . It took a hour take it . I knew it was going to be launched on Thursday but assume it would just be on the website. But there it was being shown on 2 large screens to a room full of people but I did feel a mixture of surprise but also pride I did it . All I wanted to do was hold my husband's hand watching it together . The man in front of me who I had been talking to earlier turned round and squeezed my hands and congratulated me . He's caring made me feel better.

Knowing this thread and all the threads here makes me feel less alone . I am lonely but only for my husband. I like living on my own and since moving here my life has been full. Had another diagnosis this week my third I have Osteopenia in my left hip . But on the high dose calcium and vitamin D tablets and been doing load bearing exercises to help strengthen my bones .

Thank you for being here 🤗

Just got the Advent calendars out ready for tomorrow. Always have a cry as my son loved Christmas. He always ate all the chocolates, carefully shutting the doors thinking I wouldn't know!
David died 6 years ago, aged 34 (impossible to think he would be 40 now). The last few years were very hard as he had had a long battle with paranoid schizophrenia and self medicated as the meds he had to take made him feel so numb.
I try to think of him finally flying free, but miss him so much, especially at this time of year.
I don't talk about him so much anymore, but think of him always and it's good to remember him here

pandapatch your pain and grief must be unbearable. I don't know what to say as I haven't had to face your grief. What a lovely memory of him eating all the chocolates and shutting the doors .

I talk about my husband all the time . I can't not talk about him. I am an atheist but my husband is with me everyday in my mind and heart.

As your son is always with you. I hope you talk out loud to him everyday. I know talking to my husband gives me comfort.

I hope someone who has a child die can find the words that would help you . Words I don't have . 💐

pandapatch, I'm glad you felt able to talk abut David here.

It must have been so traumatic watching him suffer, i know.

I wish I knew some comforting words to say, but I don't.

It's just too cruel, the death of a young person, but I do hope he is flying free, as you say.

My daughter was 35 when she died, and it's been 7 years now, so very similar, so I have a little idea how hard it is.

Thats all I can find to say, nothing wise, or comforting, bur being able to share, I hope, helps a tiny bit x

Pandapatch I’m so sorry. Can’t imagine how hard that is for you. You too MissAdventure

Thanks, Doodle

How are you doing?

I’m coping a bit better thank you. Still cry every day at some point but some days I manage to be interested in what I’m doing which is an improvement.
Went to candle service at the hospice yesterday. Really lovely but sad at the same time.

I think hospices, however tranquil and beautiful, are sad places.

This time of the year is such a sentimental time, but I seem to cry at the drop of a hat, these days.

I think you were marvellous to be able to attend the candle service; I don't think I could, nowadays.

It's as if someone literally turns on taps in my eyes, and a lot of the time it's nothing particularly that reminds me of my girl.

Keep on trudging forward, it's all we can do, eh? X

Hugs and Miss Adventure

Miss A I can still suddenly find tears rolling down my face . It's as if suddenly part of my brain switches on a sadness overwhelms me . It happens even when I am not thinking about my husband. It's as if our brain knows we need the relief and gives it to us. As you can see had a lot of years to think about this 🤔.

Went with my daughter and my grandsons to see Santa on Sunday. Since 2020 she has made it a tradition I go with them while their dad watches he's football team . Then the boys decorate my tree. Another traditional my daughter has started is taking a pic of the boys sitting on the armchair by the tree. The first year the youngest wasn't a month old and just lay across his brother's lap. This year the oldest 7 next month sat on the armchair and his brother 4 sat on the arm . They have grown so quickly.

Hopefully this will make you all smile on the way there and back the youngest sang frosty the snowman ,when Santa got stuck up the chimney and merry Christmas . There is nothing louder than a 4 year old singing when he forgot the words he made them up. He's a snowman in the nursery production as he's the loudest. His brother has a staring role in his school production but forget what he said. Me and my foggy brain 🤦.

Doodle going to the candle service was a big step but you did it even though tinged with sadness. But it must mean a lot to the staff at the hospice and people who had and have loved ones there .

I am going to a Christmas concert at the Brain Charity on Friday afternoon looking forward to it as they have helped me so much and I feel at home there . Plus tomorrow out craft group starts again now the roof is watertight . So taking it's not a Bakewell tart with me . Just sponge on top as don't know if anyone is allergic to nuts . But used my blueberry jam for the filling . Had to buy ready rolled short crust pastry as I can't roll out anymore.

Hopefully there will be singing we can join in with . I have a terrible voice but it doesn't matter at the Brain Charity I can be me . Only place I sing loudly everywhere else very quiet .

Christmas is always hard so much is made of it but it's only one day . We still grieve our loved ones everyday. We are expected to be happy Christmas day not everyone can but never feel you have to fight your tears . I won't allow myself to be sad Christmas day but think of all the idiotic things my husband did as he was mad over Christmas.

Before we married in came Christmas eve with this giant box staggering under the weight of it. The sod when I opened it was a giant teddy bear. The next year he did the same thing . Thought he was having me on again . Nearly gave myself a hernia it was a sewing machine in those days they where very heavy as all made of metal.

Once married again one year large box staggering under the weight again the sod had wrapped a box within a box 10 boxes which revealed a beautiful necklace.

It just wasn't my husband who was a joker . My dad one year gave me unknown to my mom a tin of prunes and a toilet roll.
Hope this has given you all a smile 😊.

Love is the heavy price we pay for grief of the loved one who has died. But it is a price we gladly pay and we are the lucky ones to love and be loved in return. 💐

Everything you write makes me smile, whiff.
I suppose you could have been a sit down comedian.
The things your husband said, too, always tickle me. There's nothing cuter than a little kid bellowing their own versions of christmas songs.

I love that tradition of taking the same photo every year.

Some people as adults stage the same poses and similar clothes, and they're hilarious.

Thank you for brightening up today x

Miss A glad I did . But you have helped me so much over the years with your wise words. All the things you have been through and still going through you still think of others . Very special lady 💞

Blimey.
Thank you.

A tin of prunes and a toilet roll made me laugh. I think I would like to give that as a joke secret Santa if I was still at work.

Oh I'd love to have bought that for a couple of deserving people at my workplace. 🤭

Lovely Whiff made me laugh. 🤣

Good old Whiff.

My son son died 6 years ago from a rare cancer, I miss him every single day, it’s so hard living with this intense grief. It has got a little easier and I’ve learnt to live with it, but it’s a different kind of existence, where I feel I wouldn’t mind if I die, but if I continue to live I am so absolutely in awe of my beautiful son, all he went through and I will miss him to the end of my days. The years don’t ease your pain, in my quiet moments I am with him and when I’m doing other things he is with me, always. X

Marketkat,

You've managed to sum up beautifully exactly how I feel.

It's only very recently that its occurred to me that watching someone fighting a losing battle takes its toll.

The grief doesn't start with their death, its long before that, as you try to be positive, while watching hope begin to fade, when every test reveals more bad news. Thanks for posting, because it helps to be able to "say" things here x

I’m so sorry you must live with this to.
Sending hugs 🫂 X