Missing someone

Downtoearth 💐❤️thinking of you and all others who have no longer got their loved ones with them
I try hard to believe there is something afterwards but I can’t see it as hard as I try People with that strong faith must have so much more comfort

NannyG4 we always knew my husband wouldn't live 5 years when he was diagnosed with grade 4 malignant melanoma in 2001. And I felt guilty as I was born disabled and when my health got worse my husband just said we alter our way of life to suit you and be a normal family. He kept his word to the day he died.
It was so unfair he was fit and healthy and I hadn't been since birth. But life isn't fair .

We lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over . We always knew one day it would drop but it was still a shock when it did. The consultant told us during lunch time and he made sure it was only him and a nurse when they showed us the pictures of the six tumours . I screamed and hobbled out of the room and the nurse followed me and held me while I cried. The guilt was crushing me I wanted it to be me not him ,never him .
I watched him dieing slowly everyday until he died .

When the pain got bad and he woke screaming in pain he put a pillow over his face so the children wouldn't hear. Once the liquid morphine made him sleep . It was my turn to scream into a pillow. When he became to weak he begged me to hold the pillow which I did .

Our children know none of this and I don't always write about it but I wanted you to know I understand your guilt. Time does ease the guilty feeling but it takes years . It's only months for you and I am sure your husband wouldn't want you to feel guilty. But it won't go until you come to terms with he's death. But use that feeling to get you through each day . But always try and think of what your husband would say to you feeling this way . The rage and anger of my human dieing gets me through each day. But I use it for good .. Time will help you but it's too early for you to think that way yet. Just get through each day the best way you can . And I found writing about it helps me as it gets the thoughts out of my head inside of them eating away at me.

Hopefully this makes sense .

Thankyou Whiff...

NannyG4 I could have written your post myself. It’s 20 weeks today for me. I never knew such pain existed as this loss.
Some days are better than others. I cope better but then another wave washes over me and drags me down again.
I feel guilty too. If only I’d known about pressure sores and how to avoid them. If only I’d made the nurses take better care of him. I think those of us who are left behind always feel guilty. My only comfort is in knowing that he isn’t going through this, don’t know who wrote this, might even have been you Whiff my pain is his peace.
Hang on in there Nanny were in this together. Sending hugs.

Just realised I wrote my human instead of my husband.

Doodle I may have written that but you know I ramble on . But I would hate anyone do what I did and make the grief even worse. I thought it had to be brave for everyone what a fool I was.

That's why I always say never fight your feelings the only person you hurt is you . Time doesn't heal but it does make it easier to cope . But in my experience it takes years that's why I say I call the first 10 years early grief.

For those of you still in those 10 years I remember how hard it was . It's not just the other half of you has died but your present and future. When my husband died the thought of living the next 30 years on my own terrified me and I only saw a bleak time ahead. But 20.5 years later still here still using that anger and rage get me through each day .

I would say to all widows or bereaved parents which is a pain I don't know . But it must be the worst pain ever. Write how you feel down otherwise the thoughts say in your mind and make you feel worse by writing it down it's out in the open and I know it makes me feel better. 💐

Doodle... I feel your pain, its heartbreaking but something inside us keeps us going, we'll all hold each other up. 💕

NannyG4 it's love for our other halves that keeps us going . And we know they wouldn't what us to give up . Plus I feel I must live my life to the full for the life he has missed. My husband always wanted to be a granddad so I love my 5 grandsons doubly for him. Even the 3 I never see.

Had a pleasant afternoon out with a friend come home and feeling ok. Suddenly a wave of sadness rolls over me and the tears fall again. I don’t fight it anymore just let them come. Just so so sad.

Doodle glad you don't fight your tears . I know when I fought them I only made it worse and used to get a pain in my chest but once I let the tears flow the pain went. Many years ago I meet a woman I knew casually said that she got over her grief in 6 months and thought it was self indulgence if people's grieved for longer . Afraid what I said to her wasn't nice or polite my husband had been dead a few years by then and my grief was still overwhelming.

As I have said many times before grief is the price for love . And it's a heavy price that only gets worse as the years go by you just learn to cope . But for me it can still overwhelm out of the blue after all these years.
I have been recently in an art exhibition with my gel printing whilst I think it's hilarious me in an art exhibition when we got home after spending 5 hours putting it up . I was telling my husband about the fun we had and suddenly I couldn't stop crying . Usually when I get like that I see my husband with his stupid grin but didn't this time and I felt lost .

So sorry Whiff. I sympathise. I’m having one of those days today. So lost and lonely. I hate feeling like this.

Doodle you and your husband where together for a long time. Going from us to I in the blink of an eye is hard to ever get used to . Your whole world changed in that moment. It's not just not having a husband , but best friend , person who knew the real you and you them, someone to shared your biggest joys and saddest moments with. The person who could finish your sentences. They knew how you where feeling without asking . Holding hands ,having a cuddle ,some one to make love with. If either of you had a nightmare the other was there to hold you until you both went to sleep. You only had to reach out in the night and they where there. Losing your temper with eachother then making up . Making plans for the present and future . All over in that split second moment.
Then realising this is it forever on your own. The one person you want and need is gone . Being a couple isn't easy but it's wonderful ,being on your own is hard . Simple things seem so hard . I don't talk about my husband in the past tense I talk about my husband because he still is my husband . And I forget not everyone knows he's dead. Because I hate saying late husband as my husband was never late in his life apart from his funeral. The one in front of us over ran.. I said to the children dad would hate this as he hated queuing and we chuckled. Sounds awful but we had an unsaid pact we wouldn't cry at his funeral and I am glad we didn't as we had so many people to thank for coming . We didn't have a wake as we hated them . Then we could cry in private.

You are not alone in feeling as you do plus you have all the firsts to get through . And your own health worries . I ramble on threads because it makes me feel better and hope I help someone else feel better to..

Thanks Whiff

My daughter died 18 months ago. She lived with her partner and 3 year old son. I would see my grandson daily. I now only see him on a Sunday for a sleepover and the odd Friday for an hour after school. My daughters partner has been dating again for 6 month and is going to introduce my grandson to her. I'm so broken as I think it's too soon. Any advice?

The only advice really, is that you have to let your grandson's parent do what he sees fit.

To my mind, too, it's very soon to be bringing someone else into the picture, but we have people on this site who have got together with someone new in less time than that, and gone on to have long, happy years together.

All you can do is continue to be a loving support to your grandchild, because it isn't your choice to make.

As hurtful as it is, your grandson might thrive with a new female in his life, if it works out, and his dad has at least taken some time to get to know this person before introducing them.

Thank you miss adventure. It just breaks my heart having to see this. I knew it would happen as he's only 29 years old. But he's a good person and fabulous dad. Just finding it hard to accept. And I know your right in what you say I'm just struggling. Thankyou again for the advice.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Fayfrank, and I'd like to think I've an idea how you might feel, just because it's something I struggle with myself - the world moving on, while I'm still reeling. (Even though its been 7 years in a couple of weeks)

My girl's best friend told me she is getting married, and my first reaction, inside, hidden away, was "Well, that shows how bothered you were!!"
Absolutely ridiculous, for me, but difficult for you, I know.

He does sound to be a very decent man, though, so I'm sure he will be putting that little boy first.

I'm sure your girl would be wanting whatever makes her son happiest, too.

Anyway, what I say isn't advice, as such, just thoughts.

I'm the last person to have any answers to the impossible; I often think I'm still doing badly myself x

Miss adventure. I can honestly understand that. I'm also sorry about your loss. My girl was my world and still is. She would want the best for her little man. And so do I. I'm sure his new gf is a lovely person as he is. But I feel so much resentment. I calnt tell him how I feel as I don't want to push him away. My husband says I need to get on with ot and say nothing. Just feel she's been disrespected as its so soon xx

What do you imagine your girl would say, if she had any input?

Don't think she would want him to be on his own. But thinking of little man I think she would think it was too soo x

It's a very difficult thing you're having to navigate, alongside your grief.

You've your husband telling you to get on with it, your worry for your little grandson, and resentment simmering beneath all of this.

If only we could all just "get on with it" eh?

Just hold on to the thought that your grandsons dad won't do anything to cause him harm or upset; he hasn't so far, and hopefully even an introduction will be slow, steady, and based around the little man's wellbeing.

It really is all you can do, isn't it?

That's why I set up this thread, just so people can share things they may not want, or can't say to others.

Than you so much miss adventure xx

Fayfrank Miss A has given you the place to talk to others who's children died far to soon. From the sound of your son in law he is doing everything to give your grandson a life full of love and attention. And you still get to see your grandson and spend quality time with him . He is young and will eventually forget his mom but through you she will live on and when he is older you can tell him everything about your daughter and how much she loved him and funny things they did together.

I can't say I know your pain but I don't think your daughter would want her husband to be alone for the rest of his life.

I was 45 when widowed and my husband told me to find someone else to love and not spend my life alone but I told him no . But we had 29 years together married 22. Our children where 20 and 16 when their dad died so they have all their memories of him.

I am sure your son in law will make sure your grandson knows all about his mom and how much she loved him.

It's hard on you to see him move on with his life but he's a young man . What would your daughter say to you ? Deep down you know the answer . Your grandson is your priority as he is his dad's.

In your grandson your daughter lives on . Sorry this may seem trite and I can't say I know how you feel as the death of a child is the worst possible pain no matter what age they die. And something a parent will never get over . 💐

Hi whiff. Thank you and yes little man is the priority here and I will make sure he remembers his mummy. He regularly watches videos on his lap top of him and mummy playing and I'm sure he will treasure them. I do need to be strong and positive I'm just really struggling but I'm holding it together. Xxx

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Grief isn't a process it's a lifestyle change. At least that is my experience. In the last 9 years I lost my Dad, my sister, my Mum, my ex husband, my ex father in law and partner's Dad. I was with him and my sister and my Mum as they passed. My ex husband and sister died 3 weeks apart and a month later my partner's dad died and then a month after that my ex father in law. My kids and I went through hell. If I sit and comprehend the loss I've suffered I would go mad. Sending you and everyone on here grieving love

Oh ava25 I'm so sorry. Please accept my sincere condolences. And sending you lots of love xxx