Missing someone

Just been to church for the tree festival. Come home and now sitting here with tears pouring down my cheeks and the most despair I’ve felt for a while.
All you brave souls who’ve battled on through the years. How do you get there. I’m so lost and lonely without my darling man. I know the answer to my own question. You just keep going day after day after day …….

you just keep going day after day
You’re right Doodle but some days or a succession of them or sometimes weeks are just bluddy hard and incredibly sad xx

There's no bravery involved, for me, I can assure you.

That's all it is, spending days, weeks, years, trudging on.

Perhaps crying helps? Doesn't feel as if it does, but just maybe the tears are better out than in.

Miss Adventture I don’t know how you cope. So much responsibility and no time to grieve yourself.
I’m hoping my low mood is because I’m feeling quite ill but I think Christmas has finally hit me. My dear man won’t be here to celebrate with.

Beechnut hugs 🤗

I hope your mood improves at least a tiny bit as you feel physically better, *Doodle".

I think feeling ill and not having your person is the worst, plus of course, this time of year is difficult anyway.

Have you got plans for Christmas to see family?

Thanks MissAdventure yes I will be seeing both our sons this Christmas. I’m lucky they don’t live far away.

Doodle I have said many times you know me I repeat myself grief is the heavy price we pay for love . The grief you feel effects you mentally and physically. I didn't realise that when my husband died and took me years to come to that conclusion. The fact all those grieving can still cry take it as a good sign. I know I do . If we didn't cry it would fester inside and make us feel worse. It's getting towards 21 years since my husband died and still grief can and does overwhelm me out of the blue . And I am right back to the moment he died.

There is no cure for grief and Doodle your grief is still new . All the first are hard but then again the seconds etc.. are as well.. I still find myself turning to say to my husband look at that. Or say to myself that would be the perfect gift for him. Every time I see new technology I always think my husband would love thatv as he loved technology. Mind you he would soon throw a sat nav out of the car window shouting at it thats not the way. But it makes me smile thinking about it.

Grief is never ending but I would be lost without mine. The love for my husband has never weakened . Because of him I do what I do . Me being disabled never phased him he saw me and loved me no matter how bad my health got .
When I got my diagnosis about my heart in 2020/2021 then my neurological one and recently my Osteopenia diagnosis first person I wanted to tell was him but I did to the air. But what I wanted and needed was him to hold me and I know he would have said about time you knew and trust you to have a rare hereditary neurological condition. You couldn't have something the neurologist had heard of. Trust you to be different.

All here are united in grief for someone we loved but at least here we can be honest how we feel and know others will understand. And for me it gets me through another day .
Thanks to Miss A for giving us this space . 💞

Really awful day today. Went to the GP this morning as I wanted my chest and throat checked because of coughing so much. I sat in the waiting room where I had visited so many times with DH. Realised tears were running down my face. Pulled myself together, went into docs and started crying. Sobbing so much I couldn’t tell her why I was upset. Just being back in that room again without him.
Cried all the way home and been crying ever since.
I never realised you could feel like this. I have had better days and I’m hoping tomorrow will be better. Grief certainly doesn’t help your looks.

I hope tomorrow is better for you, too.
Did your gp remark about your crying, or just deal with your chest and throat?
Sometimes it is those impersonal places that spark off the tears for me.

Not always ones full of happy or sad memories.

I too could never have dreamed how torturous grief could be, and there's no respite from it, if your heart decides its "one of those days".

You're just swept along by it, with red eyes, a snotty nose, a pain in your throat from trying to gain control of it.

I sympathise, I understand, but have no idea how to help, and no encouraging, wise words.

I'm really so very sorry, but what can we do, us walking wounded?

MissAdventure GP was a lovely young lady who said how sorry she was for me and was kind.
My DH spent so much of his last few months at the surgery going there at least twice a week. Seeing the same nurses and doctors and sitting in the waiting room brought it all back.
It helps just writing it down knowing there are those like you here who understand. Thank you x

I glad it helps a little bit, at least, and I do know how hard it is to sit in the same places that you sat with your person.

It's not always the big events or occasions that hurt, but the mundane ones, the bland, impersonal things and places.

Anyway, we can't just avoid everything, in case it "upsets us".

Doodle I have lost count of the times I have suddenly burst into tears over the years in shops,cafes ,GP surgery,estate agents and solicitors. Found tears running down my face on the bus and trains . I hadn't even been thinking of my husband.

My husband died at home but spent a week in hospital before coming home to die . I hated having to go too the hospital after that and when my dad was in hospital for a week I could only visit him on his birthday as I found my anxiety got out of control. I didn't know in 2007 I had anxiety I used to say I got jittery. It's only having my diagnosis for my rare hereditary neurological condition in 2022 and talking to others with found out I suffered from anxiety .

Miss A post says it all . Over emotions take us over and we have no control. But that doesn't mean we are weak but human not robots . The love for the person who has died causing bone crushing grief and time does not make it any easier it hurts more as the years go by. We just learn to cope . Example of what happened to me . I go to the Brain Charity on Wednesday morning to a craft group which I love . We made a box for a battery operated tea light to go under. Even though not perfect ,but me and perfect don't go together I was proud of the finished item . Brought it home and told my husband about making it and getting my first hot glue gun burn. I know he would have called me a klutz and found my face was wet with tears. So stupid to cry over making a box but it's what I needed. It was just tears rolling down my face no heart wrenching sobbing.

Doodle feeling ill and sitting in the doctors made your grief worse as the memories flooded in. I hope the doctor gave you something for your. Chest and cough if it was an infection. But I know there is a respiratory virus going round at the moment. My sit fit instructor has had it 2 weeks and had to cancel our class. The first week she spent in bed. She went to her GP thinking it was a chest infection but being a virus it's just got to get better on its own. She's very fit and has her husband but says she has never felt so ill and it's worse than having covid.

So I can only imagine how ill you feel plus your grief. And the one person you need and want you can't have and that makes you feel worse and alone . I know when I am feeling ill I just want me husband to hold me but he can't .

I am lonely but only for him not because I live alone .

Doodle everything is still so new for you as if I remember right it hasn't been a year yet and this is your first Christmas without the other half of yourself. I know you have good family who love and care about you . And spend time with you . But as much as we love our loved ones it's not the same . We just want one person and we can't have them . It's a vicious circle of wanting, needing and grief . And it's never ending . But as I have said many times it's the price we pay for loving and being loved in return .

But we are the lucky ones to have loved and been loved whether it's a child ,husband or partner has died . Worse for those who have had a child die like Miss A and others here . But the grief for a husband or partner dieing is still bone crushing. And effects us both physically and mentally.

I never realised grief could hurt so much or it effected our bodies as well as our minds.

But being able to write it down knowing others understand and saying things we can't say to the ones who love us helps as people here and other threads on this forum understand and knows what it feels like .

Hope you feel better soon . But keep writing here no one on thread is alone as we have eachother. 💐

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The box in question

I miss my late husband. He died very suddenly 7 years ago. I had gone out to give some plums to a friend, I was only gone 30/40 minutes and when I got back home he was lying on the couch. He had taken a massive heart attack during that short time and had died. I still can't get over the fact that I was gone for such short time and came home to find he had died.
I was in councelling for over 6 months to try and come to terms with it andthat it wasn't my fault that this had happened, but in my heart I can never forgive myself not being there to try and save him. I miss him terribly.
Now I find myself in the unenviable position that my current partner of 4 years has terminal cancer with a prognosis of 12/18 months life expectancy. I sometimes wonder what I had done in this life to deserve such heartache.

That must be such a terrible, terrible shock.

And now this news of your partner's prognosis to accept as well; I can imagine it feels as if it's punishment from someone or something.

It's all you can do to try and look for whatever tiny positives you can find- I remember that well, with my daughter. It was one of the most heartbreaking things.

granto3 you have nothing to deserve this heart break . But you should look at this way you had the love of 2 good men and you loved and love them .

I think your first husband knew he hadn't got long and waited until you went out to die . He wanted to spare you watching him die . As he loved you so much he was trying to protect you to the end .

Like my dad did with my mom . He went to the loo 4am with mom's help on the day he died . He told her how much he loved her and would see her again . They went to sleep and my dad must have had a massive heart attack . But my poor mom didn't realise he was dead when she got up at 8 . He was cold so called my brother and he fetched me . Dad must have died within minutes of getting back into bed . I had to lie to my mom the only lie I have told . When she asked if dead people always looked like that . She never knew his pain was written across his face not did she ever know his bladder void.

Your first husband tried to spare you not realising how much he would hurt you but he did it out of love.

Make the best of everyday day you have with your partner and if he can do all the things you always wanted to do ,do then now .

I have said many times grief is the price we pay for love . But our lives would be poorer without having been loved and loved in return.

Make this the best Christmas ever .

Hello friends it's me who needs support today. I am in so much physical pain it's making my grief worse and all I want is my husband to hold me and make the pain go away. Can't stop crying . It's my own fault my pain is worse I am my own worse enemy. I was jigging in the kitchen Saturday which was stupid as I fall nearly everyday due to my neurological condition. Though I had pulled a muscle so treated as I did when I had sciatica. Which included still doing exercises so the muscles don't seize up. Pain got so bad yesterday after my exercises thought I had better look up why the muscle hurt so much . Turns out I have pulled my hamstring in my right leg. And what I have been doing made it worse plus walking 8,000+ steps on Wednesday going to and from the Brain Charity.
So now I have to rest doing what I should had done all week. But had Sainsbury's delivery today took 3 hours to put away. Had to keep stopping .

I just want my husband. 😢😢😢😢

I wish I had the power to give him back to you, Whiff

It's horrible going through everything alone, and he was such an unfailingly supportive partner to you, through everything, good and bad, thick and thin.

As per usual, I'm useless at saying the right thing or giving wise advice.

Are you resting now? Sitting down with your leg up?

Nothing I can say will quell the pain of you struggling, when a hug from your man is what's needed, and I'm so sorry for that. X

Miss A you are not useless at saying the right thing or giving wise advice. Your advise and wisdom has helped me for years on various topics. Just being there helps me . Never put yourself down . 💐😊

Thank you.
Now, this leg of yours - is there anything practical you can do to ease the pain a little?

It makes me cross that you were cheery enough to be having a little jig, and this is the result. It's not fair!

I don't know much about hamstrings.
Do you need to see a doctor or phone 111, do you think?

Miss A I should have been resting it and using heat but I treated it like sciatica where you rest but need to exercise. So I exercised as usual which made it worse . So making sure I rest it and use my electric heat pad . No more jigging about for me. It has to just heal on its own . Learnt my lesson. 🤦.

Thank you again 💞

Definitely no jigging, madam!
Plenty of rest, lots of sitting about, to make sure you're OK for Christmas. (Well, as OK as you can be, you know?)

I have just lost my beautiful sister who I spoke to every day.I am really struggling at the moment.My family have been amazing.Perhaps when Tuesday is over ( The Funeral) I may want to finally try to get into the Christmas spirt.💔💔💔💔