Missing someone

Oh no, what a time of year to face the death of someone.
It'd be nice if you could get into the feastive spirit a bit, but don't put any pressure on yourself.

I'm sorry about your sister.

granto3 like you I do feel I have had more than my share of grief my son died in 2020 my lovely husband died 2022 and another son 2023 two had cancer. I just keep going as my 3 with Down Syndrome need me or rather I need them. Keep going grieving ladies we have no choice and take care

Coops sorry about your sister. Unfortunately in my experience once the funeral is over it hits you more that they really have died . Try and have the best Christmas you can but don't think you can't cry just because it's Christmas . My husband loved Christmas he was a big kid. Because he loved it so much I made a pact with myself I could be sad and cry on Christmas eve but not Christmas day. And have kept it since he died in 2004. But it's not easy and this will be your first without her . If you can think of all the Christmas's you have had especially as children and the excitement of Father Christmas coming and it may make you smile . Try and keep to your usual Christmas traditions and raise a glass to your sister . She is forever with you in your heart and mind . If you are religious think you will met again . I still have my brother so don't know your pain . As you talked to your sister everyday continue to do so I promise it will help. I have talked to my husband everyday since he died in 2004 but also swore at him ,blamed him for dying and even if I can't get the lid off a jar I shout at him . But tell him everyday I love him and so glad I had his love and he had mine . When I have a rant I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feeling better. Because of him dieing in 2004 have no videos or anything with his voice . But I can hear how he would phrase things .

Your sister will always be your sister and that bond will still be there the rest of your life. 💐

Fartoold lovely to hear from you . I well remember all you have been through . Your 3 children are so lucky to have a mom like you . And the love you have together gets you through everyday . And I know it can't be easy for you but you love and loved in return and that is precious and something to hold on to . 💐

Whiff it’s kindness like yours that get us through the bad days. Thankyou and I hope you all have a peaceful Christmas.

Fartooold we help eachother on this thread get through each day . And we all need understanding and kindness in this life . And that's what Miss A gave us a place to have that . 💐

Thank you for your kind words and I will always miss her her birthday would be on New Years Day.Also New Years Eve would have been my beautiful daughters birthday she died age 2.1/2 yrs from Leukaemia.And my Dad died on the 28th December so I feel lots of sadness during this time of year. I will enjoy Christmas with my family and especially our Grandchildren.

Whiff so sorry you’re in pain. When we’re ill or in pain we need that special person more.
Is the heat pad helping? I hope it eases soon. I like your light box.
granto3 I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position again, I think we all feel guilty in some way for not doing enough to save our loved ones, it seems so hard you have to face this loss again. I hope your current partner keeps good health as long as possible and you get some qualify time together.
Coops74 I’m so sorry about your sister. So hard when it Christmas time. You must miss her so much having such regular contact.
Fartoold what losses you have suffered. I’m so sorry. Your other children must help you through the days somehow. I admire your spirit for keeping going and looking after your family.
Whiff I agree. MissAdventure this is a good place for the bereaved (at any time) to come and share and get understanding.

It’s been2 weeks since my sister died so just feeling numb. She was 16 years older than me so when our Mum died I was in my thirty’s she took over her roll. She was poorly and didn’t want to recover and I know she is pain free and with her Husband and Son.

Coops so sorry about your sister. You must miss her a lot.

Condolences from me, too Coops74
It's so close to Christmas, which seems to make it "worse", if there is even a worse or better time.
I hope you'll come back and use the thread when you need or want to.

Christmas always makes it worse for anyone who has their loved one die from November onwards . We are bombarded with adverts for happy families and large get togethers. Life isn't like that . There are happy family adverts or lonely dark lit adverts never anything in between. Life isn't black and white but many shades of grey. Christmas is one day our grief is everyday . Many people have loved ones who have died round Christmas time and new year and try any put on a brave face for other family members when inside they are heartbroken.

Because of my husband's love of Christmas I have never allowed myself to be sad on Christmas day but sob my heart out on Christmas eve if I need to . But I have been widowed be 21 years in February. Being a old hand you would think grief gets easier but I find it harder every year as he has missed so much.

Recently I have been very ill and my pain levels have been so high they made me cry . I haven't cried because of pain since my husband was alive . But I have been very frightened of going back to those bad old days. All caused but Adcal-D3 tablets my GP prescribed for my recently diagnosed Osteopenia in my left hip. Only took them for 2 weeks . All I wanted was my husband and have felt very sorry for myself which isn't me and hated feeling like it.

My daughter and friends commented how awful I looked said I was glad I looked as awful as I felt 😁. Thankfully my pain levels are bad to normal today ,levels I tolerate and can still live my life .

Try and remember the happy silly things your loved ones did and give yourself permission to smile today.

I my husband was a nut. One of the children said when they where young there where blind dogs for some madcap reason only known to him my husband did an impression of a blind dog and on all fours walked into the wall . Made the children laugh, and then we explained they meant guide dogs for the blind and how vital they where. And all the training they went through and how you never touch a dog in training or when it had its harness on as they where working dogs .

Even though your hearts are breaking know your loved ones are no longer in the pain they felt be it physical or mental . As both pains are hard to live with . 💐

Thought I would you let you all know I managed to get through the day.It was a very sad day but we had lots of happy memories to talk to each other about.When I saw her coffin that was so hard .Her immediate family was given a rose to place on her coffin at the end of the service wow that was hard to.I now look forward to spending Christmas with my girls and the grandchildren.Its ok to be sad but my heart is broken.Thank you for all for listening to me .

Coops you say looking at your sister's coffin was hard . When it was my dad's funeral all I could think was the coffin was to big for him . It wasn't until his funeral that I really cried. There was so much to organise and dealing with my mom I just didn't have a minute and when I did I slept as my chronic fatigue was bad in those years. My brother helped when he could but he worked full time and long hours. Plus I had already dealt with my husband's funeral 3 years before . But my husband was super organised we knew he was going to die from his diagnosis, and when he was terminal changed everything yo my name apart from the house as it was in joint names . But he made lists of who to contact once he died and he always kept everything in files due to having to be organised for his job.

Everyday for you is going to be hard but Christmas makes everything worse and yet it's one day. Glad you will be spending it with your girls and grandchildren.

One thing about GN it's always open and anyone who feels upset.or just wants to talk there is always someone ready to listen and talk . And threads like this and others are vital as even in a crowd you can feel lost and alone with whatever you are dealing with .
💐To you all.

I think the funeral day is one of the hardest to deal with.
It was for me, at least.

Miss A the funeral makes it all real . Until then you hold hope it's a nightmare and you will wake up. Even seeing my husband die I still hoped.

Being in this much pain has frightened me more because my husband isn't here. Even though my pain levels are down they aren't as they where. Still having to take extra painkillers of a lunch time . Today I admitted to my daughter how frightened I was . Now I wish I hadn't I shouldn't have put that on her but she was great as she was frightened as well. She remembers how it was before I had my diagnosis and finally help with my symptoms.
And now I am just crying . But don't really understand why. I just want my husband to hold me and make me feel better.

Normally I am very good at self analysis but feel lost today. I know I will be ok tomorrow but today everything just feels to much. I hate self pity it's not me . So confused it is my pre Christmas sadness or because of the pain I just don't know . And I hate not knowing .

Oh Whiff, I wish I could tell you why you're crying today, and make it better somehow.

Could it just be that past years have just gone by, Christmas as something to be got through, and this year, things are more in focus for you?

Perhaps this particular year is difficult, seeing others with their person, and again, realising ours won't be back?

I'm just waffling, Whiff, with no idea at all.

I feel almost in shock this year, unable to believe I STILL struggle to accept things.

The same as you, I usually like to just get on with things, but... no, not this Christmas - I can't.

My grandaughter, who is 6 ,has lost her grandpa yesterday.
Desperate to comfort her but don't know how

Miss A thank you. You yourself have to content with health problems as well as your grief. I think you are like me a coper no matter what life throws at us we get on with things . Still remember your posts on a different forum thread and what you went through and your honesty helped me to keep fighting for my rights . And I won, but it took 35 years but better late than never .

Back to my normal self this morning. Being frightened is not my normal state only the third time in my life I have felt so afraid . Not bad really for my 66 years. I have to accept this new normal pain level and just get on with things . But it's so annoying high dose of calcium and vitamin D can cause me so much pain. I always read the leaflet that come with new tablets but no where did it say it negated pain relief or cause severe muscle cramps/ spasms . Every muscle and bone hurt .

Further research on proper sites not Dr Google found out to much calcium can cause calcium can leach out of your bones into your blood. Also had further results from my blood test I had after I stopped taking them 2 days before and my sodium levels are low and will need testing in January . I will ask for my calcium levels to be checked.

It was the fear of going back to a time I never want to live through again especially without my husband. If it wasn't for him I don't know how I coped but he's love and support never wavered and just faced everything by my side .

Movinghouseplanner do you mean your husband or your granddaughters other grandpa ? I know if it's your husband your grief is overwhelming and you want to be brave for your granddaughter. I can only go by what my parents told me when my granddad died as my children where to young when my father in law died but adults when my dad died.

My parents told me grandad had gone to heaven and was no longer in pain and that he was always with me watching me grow up. My brother is only 16 months younger than me at 5 and he worried grandad would watch him on the loo . But mom said no but he would be with him everyday and watch over home during the night . I am 66 now and can't remember if it helped or not.

My own grandsons never knew there granddad as he died in 2004. But I talk about him to them and my daughters eldest who will be 7 next month asks about him, his brother is 4 and only understand grandad as he's dad's dad . No idea if my son has told his 3 boys about his dad unfortunately he decided to estrange me 4 years ago via email and follow up letter. No idea what I ever did nor ever will.

Your granddaughter will forget what it was like to be with her grandad as she ages. But for now all you can do is tell her how much he loved her and hold her when she cries and talk about him . And hope she has photos of them together she can look at and remember funny things he did but she my feel it's wrong to laugh but reassure her , her grandad loved to hear her laugh and the fun they had together .

My oldest niece was 9 when my husband died but doesn't remember much about him now she's older. But my nephew remembers little things as he was 13 but their sister was 1 so only knows what she was told .

Hope you come back when you feel up to it and let us know how you are both doing . A death near Christmas always feels harder as there is so much hype about a perfect family Christmas and no such thing as perfect . Plus things are harder to get sorted out as lot of things are closing down for the holiday . 💐

Ah, thanks Whiff (not that I remember being particularly helpful)
Obviously not the exact same, but I know my girl's infusions to try and strengthen her bones caused pain - some people had to try a few different ones before finding one they could tolerate.

I wonder if it's something similar to how your body reacted?
Of course, that's on top of your other issues, which you just get on with.

Sometimes though, an extra thing can feel like it's just too much to bear.

My only (older) sister passed away 4 days ago in Canada. I hadn't seen her for 10 years and since she was diagnosed with Alzheimers, communication no longer made any sense. Until my BIL died (suddenly) 18 months ago I could at least keep in touch through him.
I learn the cremation has been held already so although I "lost" her when her dementia kicked in, I have now lost my very last "blood" relative and the last link with my childhood.
It's hard not to even say goodbye.

That must be difficult to take in, that you now have no blood relatives at all, particularly when you've not had the chance to mark her passing, in some way.

Is that the end of your ties with Canada, Maw?

It seems so very final, and sad.

My Dad died in 2007 and Mum in 2020. I miss them both. They both lived good, long lives. Dad was 86 and Mum almost 97.

Right now I really miss my Mum because my husband has been in hospital for almost 4 weeks and even as old as she was, she would be supporting us. She always had a positive outlook and was great at giving practical help.

I had a Memory Teddy made from her favourite lambswool cardigan and a pretty blouse and I talk to her a lot. ❤️

Her family are my only contact with Canada- my sister and BIL and their 3 little children under 5 left Scotland in 1966 to emigrate to Nova Scotia. I very much hope that a visit from my 60+ year old nephew and his wife in 2025 will provide an opportunity to rebuild a relationship with her family- many of whom I have yet to meet.

Hoping the visit happens, and you can meet up, and make contact with every one of your sister's family.
A new chapter, after the sad ending of the current one, hopefully.