Missing someone

Those of us who's husband or partner has died. We lost half of ourselves. Us in a second becomes I and I hate it. I know nothing about being single as many here like me met our husbands when young . I was 16 he was 18. Even those who meet their other halves later in life and married or together for a long time we all feel the same. Their is a hole in us that was filled with them and their love . It was lovely not having to explain how I was feeling my husband just knew if my pain or mobility was worse without even seeing me . I always knew if something was bothering him. But together we faced many a hard time like everyone else here. But because you had eachother you got through it. Our husband or partners would fight dragons for us and we would for them.

For the first year I counted days and weeks since he died and I hated every Friday at 1.27pm as that was the time he died. I still ask him for advice but he never answers but I think how he would do things.

I still hate the empty side of the bed and slept with a cuddly toy snowman he won at his last Christmas in our GPs raffle and he won the hamper at the cancer ward raffle. He said typical I'm dieing and suddenly I win things. But he still had his sense of humour.

It's hard making a new life and finding who you are . But it takes years so pleased don't think you have to hide your grief you don't. Grief doesn't have to mean crying your eyes out as everyone experiences grief differently. The rage and anger I feel over my husband dieing instead of me gets me through everyday. People think the rage and anger is a bad thing but we all have to use what we need . And I need that.

I am a completely different woman at 66 to that 45 year old who couldn't envisioned life without my husband. But he was a wise man and knew what I needed to survive without him and it was a series of promises which I have kept. The main one is to live the best life you can. But it took me from 2004 to my moving here in 2019 to finally do that . I had parents and mother in law to look after. Moving gave me a new a better life and I found me again.

Grief like love lasts a lifetime. But you can still have a life but it takes time.

I know I have said all this before but it's only my own experience. And like I have said grief is the price we pay for true love . And we are the lucky ones to have had that .

It really is all encompassing; I don't think there is any part of me that hasn't been impacted.

I sort of expected grief to be just overwhelming sadness, but it goes so much further than that.

MissA grief especially grieving for a husband and child like you are impacts of your physical and mental health. It does if you are grieving for a husband or partner. Took me years to realise that.

Crying so much not only makes your eyes sore but your chest hurting and it's exhausting. I know even to this day if I have a good cry when the grief suddenly overwhelms me and goes on for a long time I fall asleep .

I don't know why but grief can make any health conditions worse especially in the early years . Yet another thing I didn't realise for years so wrapped up looking after others after my husband died until those dependant on me died.

I didn't realise I was seriously ill 2 weeks after my mom's funeral in 2017. Just thought life had caught up with me and it was my body telling me I had to rest. Couldn't see I was yellow as I had jaundice.

We put others first and it costs us. But I would do it all again as I couldn't not. We all have our own moral code and we have to live with our consciousness. I was foolish and held my grief in until alone for hours but mainly at bedtime. And it was no way to live. I caused myself more harm than necessary.

Others here may have or doing the same thing . I think it's because we go from us to I and take on things as if still a couple . Well I know I did. And still do by loving my family doubly especially my 5 grandson's even the 3 I don't see.

I've been reading this thread from the start and tried several times to express how I was feeling but failed. Now missing my daughter has become more acute. I am currently staying in hospital with my granddaughter who has an infected ankle and is facing an operation today to remove the infection. How I wish my daughter was here to talk too.

MissAdventure, to lose a child must be the greatest pain anyone can ever face. Do you have close friends? They will understand your sense of loss and be there for you when the pain becomes unbearable. It has changed you forever and I hope you can get some peace through nature or a belief in something greater than yourself. I have no idea how I’d manage if I lost my daughter and so far have only lost my parents. I miss them each and every day but the love I have for them has replaced the grief.
Have you tried counselling or therapy?

Thank you, LaCrepescule.

I'm going to sound a real old misery, but no, I've no really close friends; they tended to drift away when my girl was ill.

I do have my lovely gransnet friend I could chat to, as I've always been aware that she will support me, if I ever felt it necessary.

I wouldn't want to ring her up, blubbing, though, poor woman.

I have had counselling, and emdr therapy, and belonged to a bereaved parent support group. (I've been expelled, though!)

It simply doesn't take away the pain, though.

Sometimes it's too much, and it needs to come out, really, not so it can be "fixed", just so we can get on with putting one foot in front of the other, and trudging along.

MissA, If my memory is correct, haven’t you been bringing up your young grandson since your daughter died?

This must have impacted your ability to grieve as you would have been putting his needs before your own. My two grandsons were in their late teens but I found it exhausting helping them with cooking, cleaning etc., while dealing with my own emotions.

Do you think your grief may be affected by the fact that he’s older now? As he moves on with his life you may be struggling to move on with yours?

If only grief were something we could take off and hang on a hook for a while.

Yes, he is still here, Merlot by the skin of his teeth, (and the gnashing of mine!)

It certainly hasn't been a walk in the park.

I think it has made me out of step, in a way.
Not a young mum, not fancy free, and now not very well, too.

You're exactly right; sometimes we need to shrug off the grief and hang it up somewhere for a while.

Gymstagran I am so sorry about your daughter. There are no words, it’s utterly heartbreaking.
I hope your grandaughter’s operation goes well today.
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Do post again, there’s always someone here to listen.

MissA for you and your girl. The same goes for you, there’s always someone here to listen.

Thank you.
I know, and have always known that.

MissAdventure

Yes, he is still here, Merlot by the skin of his teeth, (and the gnashing of mine!)

It certainly hasn't been a walk in the park.

I think it has made me out of step, in a way.
Not a young mum, not fancy free, and now not very well, too.

You're exactly right; sometimes we need to shrug off the grief and hang it up somewhere for a while.

I take my hat off to you. I have a small understanding of how difficult it must have been.

You are probably grieving for the ‘what might have beens’ - not just for him but for yourself as well? How she would have dealt with him as a young mum might not translate to how you have coped.

Your life would have been so different and what you have done him is selfless and brave beyond words.

You’re probably sick of hearing people telling you its time to put yourself first but sadly that’s the only advice most of us have to give.

Thank you.

I think this thread has some of the most raw and honest posts I’ve ever read on GN. I’m facing huge challenges in my own family right now (I don’t want to go into details but they are life-changing) and your posts are both desolate and awe-inspiring.

Thinking of you all.

Su22

MissA sending you a big hug,

They say it gets easier with time but I am still waiting it's 3 years next month since I lost my husband and not a day goes by when he is not in my thoughts.

So sorry, MissA.
My fabulous husband died over four years ago and, although I have a full life and family who love me and live nearby, I still feel as though my life will never mean as much as it did when he was alive. They broke the mould when they made him. As a bonus, when we met in 1962 he was tall, dark and very handsome. People said he looked like a young Gregory Peck. He stayed handsome in my eyes up until his death at the age of 81.
The point of my ramble is to say that I agree, time doesn’t heal at all. If you have had a really happy marriage, it’s even worse. I try to be grateful for the years we had , and I am, but I still miss him like crazy. It’s like a sword in my side. My thoughts are with all of us in this position, be it missing a daughter, like MissAdventure, or any other much loved family member.💖

I met a lady on the bus who said that she always saw her husband as the same handsome boy she had first met when they were teens. even though she was probably about 80 when we chatted.

She said she couldnt ever look at any other "old man" because she missed her handsome boy.

SueDonim

I think this thread has some of the most raw and honest posts I’ve ever read on GN. I’m facing huge challenges in my own family right now (I don’t want to go into details but they are life-changing) and your posts are both desolate and awe-inspiring.

Thinking of you all.

SueDonim,
You don’t know me, but I just wanted to say that I wish you the strength to cope with your challenges, whatever they may be. It sounds as though you are having to deal with more things than seem fair. Please look after yourself.

MissAdventure

I met a lady on the bus who said that she always saw her husband as the same handsome boy she had first met when they were teens. even though she was probably about 80 when we chatted.

She said she couldnt ever look at any other "old man" because she missed her handsome boy.

Yes, I know how she feels! I couldn’t bear the thought of being with anyone else. I suppose that’s true love for you. It’s rare, apparently, but I will forever be grateful that I experienced it.

My husband died aged 30, as I aged I wondered, so much to wonder about.

Anniebach

My husband died aged 30, as I aged I wondered, so much to wonder about.

Anniebach, I don’t know what to say! That is horrendous and I am so sorry. My uncle died at 33 (before my time) but apparently the whole family changed.
I do hope you are managing to have an enjoyable life, regardless. We have to carry on, don’t we? For the sake of others, mostly!

Thank you Crosstitchfan our daughters were aged 5 and 7, so definitely carry on, but so many hopes and dreams and plans were squashed., and I was angry for him.
When our elder daughter married 15 years later, I sat in the
Cathedral, listened to their vows, felt such grief but couldn’t say
anything he should have been there with us.

MissAdventure

I met a lady on the bus who said that she always saw her husband as the same handsome boy she had first met when they were teens. even though she was probably about 80 when we chatted.

She said she couldnt ever look at any other "old man" because she missed her handsome boy.

I know what she means. When I look at my photos of Dh when we first met as teenagers etc my heart can still flip 🥰
Another thing is none of us have stuck him on a pedestal. We still talk about him as the person he was which I find very comforting. I’ve found it especially this past weekend, with my siblings and their wives we were ordering a takeaway and my SiL mentioned that one particular dish was a favourite of my DH.

Thankyou silverlining48

Anniebach

Thank you Crosstitchfan our daughters were aged 5 and 7, so definitely carry on, but so many hopes and dreams and plans were squashed., and I was angry for him.
When our elder daughter married 15 years later, I sat in the
Cathedral, listened to their vows, felt such grief but couldn’t say
anything he should have been there with us.

Absolutely he should have been! How awful for you and your daughters, especially the elder one having her wedding without him. I felt for you, having to bring up a family alone.
There’s a saying that I use at times like this. It’s not inspiring, quite the opposite but sometimes it seems absolutely right. It’s ‘Life’s a bitch and then you die’. Said tongue in cheek but at times, actually so right.

I sent a photo of my grandson to a friend recently - he’s nearly 18 - and I hadn’t realised until I looked at that photo the resemblance he now bears to my late DH when we started going out together 58 years ago, when he was 23. Put the two photos side by side and it’s uncanny. If he grows up to be half the man his grandfather was, he won’t go far wrong. God, how I miss him!

I have talked about the grief overwhelming you without warning . Well it's hit me now . But unless I write this down it's going to hurt more . So please bare with me while I have a can't even find the words to describe how I feel . It just hurts so much it's making my physical pain worse and the tears are flowing .

I think I know why I have been going to a gel printing class at the Brain Charity and Wednesday will be our last class and that me feel sad . I know it's because I will miss all the people and getting paint on my hands and creating things that I am pleased with . It's a long day for me as well have to leave my home at 7.15am to get there between 9 -9.15 . I like helping getting the room ready ready for the class at 10. Being with others with disabilities makes me feel part of something bigger . This week it was my baking week and made ginger biscuits which everyone liked.

We are having an exhibition of our work at a library near to me. So will help set it up those that can get there will do too. It runs from the 1st until 12th. My husband would laugh but also be proud of me being an artist that's what our teacher calls us and I think it's funny. Me an artist . I can't keep my hands from shaking but I can do the gel printing. It's like when I do my cross stitch my hands don't tremble no idea why. I can't write long hand and when I can write it's very small because it takes lots of willpower to control my hand.

When I started the class I never thought of it ending . I wasn't told it would only be for 8 weeks. So it was a surprise when told this week next week is the last class.

My life has always run on routine and planning ahead but because I didn't know hadn't planned for the end . It's all part of having hereditary Hyperekplexia it's rare but others with it are like me planners and live by routine .

Sorry when so many of you are grieving but if I don't write this it will fester and I will hurt more .

Finally the tears have stopped and feel better . Thank you if you read this. 💔