Missing someone

Thanks, you always make me smile MissA , definitely no liberties…

So sorry for all who suffer loss of a child whatever age. Can’t imagine how hard that is to cope with.
I am plodding on one day at a time. Not the life I want but the one I’ve got,

Keep plodding, Doodle.
It's all we can do.
A day of plodding is a successful day, if not a fun one.

Group hug for all of us plodders, and getting through the dayers, keeping awake at nighters, and doing what we caners, us mums eho have list our children, us wives who have lost their husbands, us deserted partners( me) we all deserve a big shout out for getting through each bloody day, so a big hug for all of us silently going about our lives and just about coping💐

The death of a spouse must be so hard, I was widowed age 33,
devastated yes but only 8 years of marriage , I remember my
Mother trying accept my fathers death, my Grandpa even after
20 years, grief is like love , so private in many ways.
What comes to mind is a book by Caitlyn Thomas widow of Dylan Thomas, a most stormy marriage but ‘ Left Over Life To
Kill’
For me Leigh Hunt’s ‘Jenny Kissed Me’

DH and I were together 57 years. Everything revolved round each other. We spent all our time together out of choice because that’s the way we wanted it to be, I am so grateful for all the years we’ve had. Also that DH got to see our children and grandchildren grow up. I find it hard to accept that he died when he did and still feel that it shouldn’t have happened. It was the result of a lot of circumstances but I blame the hospital for being the initial cause. At night when I lay down and my heels rest on the bed I think of the fact that it was the pressure sore on DH’s heel that started the whole thing. If only I’d known about pressure sores then. I didn’t but the hospital should have done. I try not to get upset about it but it’s in the back of my mind. I suppose we all have our “If only’s”

Well, I have many moments where I think I should have or could have done better.
That's another layer of the grieving, I think, as much as anything.
It doesn't give you a minutes peace, at times.
So many destructive emotions.
Anger, regret, jealousy, resentment, shame.
They're all simmering away ready to pop out at any moment.

downtoearth love your post. Sums us up exactly.

Anniebach it doesn't matter if you have been with the other half of yourself for a year or 50 you still lose half of yourself. To find the other half of yourself is so special to find the one person in the world who makes you whole and you can be the real you and they can be the real them is precious. Doesn't matter if you don't marry or are the same sex it's the same . Love ,true love is hard to find that's why it hurts so much when they die . Some people live their whole life and never find that . My own brother didn't find the other half of himself until he meet his 3rd wife. He paid me a great compliment he said he finally knows what my husband and me had. I told him finally he found someone for me to love . This may sound creepy but my sister in law is like a sister and I love her to bits. On their wedding day my mom said finally someone who deserves him .
Mom had cancer and dementia but she was still lucid it wasn't until 2 months later dementia killed my mom but her body lived on for another 4 months.

Doodle I know the terrible time you and your darling husband went through and that adds to your grief because he needs not have suffered like he did . This isn't the same but my mom lived with me for the last 18 months of her life as she wasn't safe on her own and I couldn't keep dashing over only to find she had panicked and when I got there she didn't know why she called. She didn't want to live with me but I told her I couldn't keep doing this . So she agreed . My brother realised what a shit him had been not helping me with mom only after I could have died. He apologised but told him it was to late but I loved him .

My brother to look at you would think he was strong and he is in a lot of respects but he couldn't cope with seeing mom die but her body lived on . Dementia and Alzheimer's kills a person long before their body dies. My mom turned into this horrible vicious person who I hoped every morning she had died in her sleep. I know how awful that sounds but it's how I felt. But could never tell anyone apart from when I talked to my dead husband. But I couldn't put mom in a home .

Doodle I will get to the point I knew about pressure sores dad had been in the St John's ambulance brigade for 30 years . Also knew lots of people who had relatives in homes who had them . So I got a pressure mattress for the bed mom used from occupational health and a pressure cushion for when she was still able to go downstairs. Once bed ridden had the blow up bootees to protect moms heels and ankles . I can't understand why the hospital didn't have these for your husband as they are basic equipment. I made sure mom's skin was well moisturised and turned her every hour night and day. Mom's skin go very thin first time I realised was when mom had red flannelette PJ's on and she run her hand over her sleeve and noticed blood on her hand . I pulled the skin back and covered it with a dressing as soon as it looked as if her skin would break I put dressing on . She looked like a mummy which she died. But it protected her skin . I am proud of the fact my mom never had a sore on her body when she died. The district nurses popped in each week where always surprised same if mom had to go too hospital. Mom's last 4 months where hell on earth as she became violent and attacked daily but I couldn't put her in a home . I looked after mom myself as I knew I could look after her better than anyone else but it cost me a high price healthwise but didn't realised until I got seriously ill with jaundice 2 weeks after her funeral.

Right the point I am trying to make in my long winded way Doodle is for a year I could only remember the violence and the harm my mom caused me I couldn't remember my mom before that time . Then one day out of the blue I could remember mom before the dementia. And finally I could remember the Mom she was the woman who after her first mastectomy weight her boob on the kitchen scales to see how much weight she had lost. My dad was alive then. I did ask why she didn't weigh herself before and after her operation and she said where was the fun in that . My husband was still alive then well then and told her he hoped she washed to scales well as he didn't want sweaty tit cake. The scales where manual and had a container to put the ingredients into to be weighted.

It takes time to come to terms with not only your other half died but the run up and manner of their death. It haunts you everyday . I hated 1.27pm on every Friday for years as thats the time my husband died. The first year I counted in days and weeks since he died. And for 14 years the lead up to the anniversary of his death I relieved his last 2 weeks it was like watching a black and white film. On the anniversary I was a sodden mess. If it happened I was at with my mom and dad they couldn't say his named as I couldn't cope with hearing it . Dad out lived my husband by 3 years. After that Mom couldn't say his name . The children text to see if I was ok . I always said sad but fine they never knew until the 14th year and my daughter phoned and it all came out she told her brother and they both said the same thing I should have told them . But how could I they where grieving as well. But I promised myself that I was allowed to feel sad and cry etc if I wanted to on the day but the lead up had to stop. And I keep my word to myself.

That's why I always say it takes years to learn to cope but the grief for the other half of yourself and those brave parents who have written about the deaths of children the grief also gets worse every year as they have all missed so much.

As per usual I ramble on but that's me in real life . But my ramble doesn't mean I don't care about everyone here because I do and the daily pain you live with. Nothing ever prepares you for overwhelming grief.

downtoearth

My first daughter died aged 7 weeks her birthday is on sunday she would be 46.
My dad died 6 weeks later 3rd of january.
My second daughter died aged 23 on the 3rd of january 24 years apart
This time of year for me is very poignant as my happiest and saddest memories are in this season
My girls would now be 44 and 46.
One I never had the chance to know, and one that I had got to know, I still grueve for both in different ways, I dudnt get chance to say goodbye to my dad or my girls.

Downtoearth; what a sad,sad post! 🌷🌷I am near to tears reading this. The only bereavments I have suffered are my mum and dad .They were 76 and 73.Also my sister in law at
71. Bless everyone who are grieving. 💝

❤️ to you MissA. It is torturous to not be able to communicate with those we love. I don't believe that people die. I believe their bodies do. I think they are still with us but we just can't reach each other yet. I believe in eternal life from a pseudo-scientific standpoint.

Or maybe that's just my way of coping with the trauma. I just keep going more and more numb with every loss.

I don’t feel lonely it’s that ‘alone’ feeling that really really upsets me, I cry every day. My life has changed for ever, never the same……just wish I could have had one more day with DH, too many plans left undone ….I’m heartbroken, will I ever feel different ??

A helpful thread, I can say what I like, nobody judges just supports………

I hear you NannyG4 and feel the same. I can cope going about and doing coffee meeting with people but all the time I long to be with my DH. As soon as the thought of not being able to hold him or cuddle him again hits me it’s like a tidal wave of emotion rolling over me. I get so scared and upset that this is my life now. I have a good life and a lot to be thankful for, friends and family but it doesn’t stop the grief and panic overwhelming me.
So many of us in the same boat.

The rage and anger over my husband dieing gets me through everyday. It has never left me. But I use it for good and try and help people when I can. I am lonely but only for my husband. I have gotten yo like living on my own doing what I want when I want. But it's only been the last 5 years that I have been able to do that.

Learning to live as I instead or we is hard. When my husband died everything was on paper where it said marital status it was married,single , divorced that was your choice I always crossed threw them and wrote widowed in large letters. Mine you I did once write window. 🤦.

Simple things become hard the first years of widowhood like remembering to cook for one less or not laying an extra place at the table. Ordering less shopping or stop buying things only your husband liked to eat.

All these things we have to learn not to do. But then we have to learn such a lot of things on our own. I found making simple decisions hard. Remembering to put the bin out . All the things my husband did.

Those who had young children you suddenly become mother and father and that must have been so hard .

Doing things as a couple you take for granted but on your own it's like climbing a mountain covered in oil one step forward 2 back.

When I had a nightmare my son used to hold me until I fell asleep now I have to leave the bedside light on if I have one.

I know this is so random but my mind is muddled tonight. There have been fireworks going off and they effect my neurological condition. When startled my limbs stiffen and if standing up I fall . Luckily I was sitting down during them but my body couldn't move until I got used to the bangs. It's happened my whole life but since having my diagnosis in 2022 and talking to others with HPX I understand why my body has done and still does. My life makes sense.

What hurts is it never phased my husband from when we went out and he was the first time I wanted to tell. I did once home but I know if he had been alive he would have wanted to celebrate but also know as he had a wicked sense of humour who would take pleasure in saying I was a mutant. He was a bugger at times but he was mine and me his.

Not son husband ..That makes me sound like a pervert. Told you my mind is all over the place..🤦🤦🤦🤦

Whiff

Not son husband ..That makes me sound like a pervert. Told you my mind is all over the place..🤦🤦🤦🤦

Don’t worry! I think we all knew what you meant!

It’s been a long time since I posted but I just wanted to thank everyone on here who, like myself, understands exactly what it feels like to lose their loved ones.. My husband of 25 years passed away in September 2023 and I’ve been feeling so lonely without him. I had to sell our home as it was too big for me to manage and have now moved into my smaller house. The last year has been very overwhelming. Grief plus the reluctance and hard work involved in a house move. However, I’m now trying to move forward but finding it very hard. The tears are constantly flowing. Today I decided to go with my daughter to my local U3A open day. I crumbled and more or less just walked in and then out again. It feels so unreal to be branching out without him. We did everything together. I’m finding the only thing that helps me is the knowledge that I am not alone. Nobody prepares us for this emptiness and the feeling of having completely lost our way.
I know the way forward will take time and I know life will never be the same again, but I thank you fellow Grans for helping me put things back into some sort of perspective and to feel less alone….

I spent a long, long time going to places, turning around and scurrying back home again.

It's good that you went, at least, for now; it's very soon for you.

I've no words of wisdom, or I'd take my own advice, but misery does at least love company, so you might want to post again whenever it feels too overwhelming.

Everythingstopsfortea you’ve had a lot of upheaval. Moving house on top of your loss must have be emotionally and physically exhausting. Please do try and keep going places.
I’m not nearly as far down the line as you but I do find that the more I do the better I get at coping. The first time I went for a meal out with someone I sat there making small talk but my heart was racing and I was there in body not spirit. I kept thinking I don’t want to be here I just want to go home and cry.
I am able to cope a bit better now. I still cry every day and sometimes find it so hard to carry on. I miss him so much. You are right, it’s threads like this that make us realise we are not alone. We belong to a group of people who all understand and can relate to our feelings and thoughts.

Everythingstopsfortea you are bound to feel lonely for your husband. He was the other half of yourself . When my husband died I felt half of me died to and after 20.5 years I am still not whole. You have not just lost your husband but your best friend ,lover ,knight in shining armour,etc. But the only person in the world who knew the real you and you him. It's still very early days for your grief. Plus moving so quickly you haven't had time to really grieve. Grieve is overwhelming and not only effects you emotionally but has the knock effect of effecting you physically and mentally. When your husband took his last breath your whole world changed . Your present and future died to. In that moment suddenly you are no longer classed as married but single . With his last breath your place in the world changed . These are all things I have come to realised since my husband died so I am only writing my experience but it may resonate with what you are feeling .

I was 45 my husband 47 when he died what did I know about bone crushing grief. I had been a couple since I was 16 and my husband was 18. Looking back I lost my identity. My home in a second changed to a house as my home was my husband.

You have had so much upheaval in a very short time you need to take time to grieve . You will find it all just to much at times and your heart will break . You may not of gone through all the stages of grief or you may go through them all again and this time they will hit you harder.

This is all assumption on my reading your post. I have had to learn the hard way about grief that's why I write on the threads here . If I can save one person doing what I did then my repeating myself is worth it..

Our children weren't little 20 and 16 but foolishly I thought I had to be brave for them and hold my grieve in until I was alone or at bedtime. Looking back I hurt myself and it felt like a physical pain . I used to cry so hard my eyes where sore and my chest hurt. Even now after all these years I can still have moments like that . But I don't fight it like I did.

I hope you talk out loud to your husband everyday it will help. I have screamed ,swore ,blamed my husband for leaving me but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feeling better. I even blamed him for my husband sake falling through twice and my son estranging me 4 years ago via email. And no I didn't do anything wrong . I never saw it coming . Anyway that's another saga.

Unfortunately grief doesn't ease as the years go by but this is my own experience. It gets worse as my husband has missed so much . You just learn to cope I call the first 10 years early grief . That's just my take on it.

Moving so quickly you need time alone to grieve and let all your feelings flow . Don't try and hold them in as you will hurt yourself you have to let everything you are feeling out . I have and still do shout out loud this shouldn't be my life . The rage and anger I still feel over my fit healthy husband getting cancer and dieing gets me through everyday. I was born disabled and was prepared to died first . It seems so unfair he died instead but that's life it's not fair . My husband made me promise a lot of things he was a wise man and knew me for well he knew what I needed and I have kept every one . But the most important one is live the best life you can. It's to early for you to do that yet. There are a lot of newly bereaved people here but like I say I class the first 10 years early grief.

My husband died in 2004 everything was paperwork and the only choices on the firms where married , divorced and single . I used to cross them all out and write widowed expect I did once write window only remembered that a while ago. Had to cross it out.

I hate being classed as single as to me I am still and always will be married and a Mrs . Love never dies as grief doesn't. But grief is the price we pay for love . But we are the lucky ones we found the other half of ourselves that's why its so hard when they die.

It doesn't matter if you have been with the other half of yourself a year or 50. Same sex or opposite love real love hurts the same ..It's just the longer you are together the more memories you have . Plus have videos of your other half. I haven't got any and nothing with my husbands voice on. The moment he died I lost his voice but still know the way he phrased things and still seems him but since my move 5 years ago not sitting on his armchair as they are identical and don't know which one he sat in. But when my grandsons have decorated my Christmas tree I see my husband standing by it .

Because I was 16 I never did a lot of things on my own we did everything together . When I was 46 I went to York for 3 days my husband made me promise to go on holiday year after he died. I had never been on holiday by myself not even walked into a pub by myself. I went but spent most of my time crying in my room .

Hand trembled and pressed post.

I was glad to get home . Both children left home in 2006 .Son to uni and told my daughter she had to go back to the city where she got her degree and had meet her future husband at uni . She came home after her degree to help her brother through A levels.. But she was only doing temp work and not using her education. They had to live there own lives it's what I wanted. I told them both me and their dad had our time it was time for them now. You have to let your children live their own lives . But I couldn't live my life. I had both parents and mother in law to look after . I could abandon them when they needed me . But I had no life I existed and that's no way to live . I had not only lost my husband but me .

I was finally able to move 5 years ago to live closer to my children a move of over 100 miles to the north west. And I found me again and I am happy . I have a home again . I slept for the first time since the children where born all night my first night here but it had taken me 15 years to get to this point .

My son hasn't spoken or seen me since my birthday in 2020 his choice . Never understand why . I have 3 grandson's with him and my daughter in law last time I saw the 2 eldest they where 4&2. The hardest thing was realising my son is cruel and a coward he should have told me to my face on my birthday I would never see or speak to him ever again . My grandsons are 8 this week, 6 and their brother is 4 I don't even know his name of exact date of birth. My son had told me they where expect again and it was a boy. But what my son has done is nothing compared to my daily grief for my husband.

There is no right or right way to grieve but your way . Please do not be hard on yourselves and never fight your feelings. I would hate anyone to do what I did but what did I know about bone crushing grief.

Life isn't fair but it's life and as hard it is being on your own life the best life you can but take your time getting there. I am lonely but only for my husband. I like living on my own . But at least I live now not just exist .

As some know I ramble on but hope I have helped someone.

💐to you all.

Please excuse any typos hand trembled again before I could press preview

Its almost 3 months since I lost my DH and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel lost, lonely and heartbroken, what have I got to live for.... My life has changed forever....
I'm feeling guilty now as he was dying in front of me and I didn't realise , no one told us this would how it would be... Heart Failure....
I know I'm not alone on this thread which really helps... Wish we could all meet for one big hug💕💕.....love and strength to you all. 💐💐