Still brokenhearted

So sorry Doodle. A year feels like the longest blink of an eye. It’s 2 years since my husband started the treatment it was hoped would extend his life expectancy from 4 to 18 months. He died five months later so I’m 5 months it will be 3 years since he died
I empathise with the feelings you express. I miss my husband and accept I always will. X

Ah Doodle, I wish I had something good or comforting to say but I hear your sorrow and sadness and there is no fix. It hurts my heart to know you hurt and I guess we have to hold the hand of sorrow and walk with it through our lives. I like to look up at the clouds and know he is watching me and loving me still. So, I dont feel alone, but separated for a time. You have another purpose - it just hasnt fallen at your feet yet. With love - Mac.

I am so sorry Doodle I hate to think of you like this, you were/are so caring and lovely on Black Dog, I have no advice as I have not been through this. Please look after yourself.

Thinking of you Doodle, bereavement is maybe the hardest thing we humans have to bear.
It’s nine years since my lovely husband died and I’m now pretty used to this new landscape, but as others have said, caught out at times by memories.
My DC have been my great comfort and when I see his features repeated in them, I’m grateful for the continuity and gift of life.

I lost my husband to suicide 2 and a half years ago. I ask the big question WHY which can never be answered. He took half of me that day. The sadness along with the anger is unbearable.

MooM00 I wish I could find the words to help

Doodle Others have said it all. Take care of yourself.

Actually, why still brokenhearted. of course you are brokenhearted. It is only a year since your DH died.

Thankfully DH is still with me, but when my dearest sister was killed in a road accident. I cried in the car as I drove to and from work, most days for a year, and even 34 years later, now and again something happens, that reminds me of her, and that can still bring me close to tears.

Hold onto your wonderful memories it will give you the strength to face each day 💐

MOnica’s experience and response feel reassuring to me. There’s so much reference to ‘ moving on’ ‘coming to terms with’ and worse ‘finding closure’ when we discuss trauma, including significant bereavement. The suggestion seems to be that if we manage our trauma / grief in some magical way, we can ‘find closure’. Whatever that might mean.

Our experiences are part of us. I’m grateful for many good years with my husband. We lived well together, through all the happy or difficult things life brought to our door. I do my best to live well without his physical presence. His death and all that went with that left me sad and drained, to put it simply. It also strengthened our love for each other and that sustains me.

Moo moo I hope my thoughts don’t add to your sorrow. I was very moved by your post 💐

All this 'find closure' stuff is said and written by people who feel uncomfortable around other people's grief.

On the other hand, we do need to adjust to it, so life is bearable. When my sister died, I had an irrational desire never to see the first agony of grief go away. She was so special to me the idea of this agony going away, seemed to say, I no longer cared about her. But even as I thught this I knew I was being irrational. I could not have lived with it long term, it would have killed me.

So I think what we do is we earn to live without that person. Easier with a sister than a husband, because we lived some distance apart so were used to being apart. For someone you have lived with, with love for decades, that is something else.

But, the grief never goes. We are downsizing and moving house and our household goods include things that previously belonged to my sister and, even these many decades later, as I resolutely give them to charity or send them to auction, I mourn.

MooMoo I am sorry your husband took his own life . The pain you feel not knowing must tear you apart. I know the feeling of losing half of yourself. I still feel the rage and anger at my husband but he had no choice cancer killed. .

But use your anger to get you through each day . It's the rage and anger that has got me through the last 21 years . The sadness numbs over time . But don't think you have to be brave because you don't have to be . Others will expect you to accept losing half of yourself don't listen to them they done understand.

Over the years I have found only people going through the same thing as you can understand how you feel. My grief is different to yours as I know why my husband died. The not knowing why is a pain only someone going through what you have can understand. Hopefully someone will post who understands what you are feeling . 🌹

Moo moo I am really sorry. Its hard for you, grieving yet angry at the same time. Have you been able to talk to someone, it might help even a little.

This is what happened to my friend a few years ago. A good friend rang her, they had a nice chat, no problems or worries, she was happy, awaiting her first gc and her dd was moving near to them, everything was fine. They said goodbye made plans to meet up and her friend killed herself that evening.
My friend was the last person to speak to her and still is confused and a bit guilty that she didn’t pick up that something was wrong.
Don’t be hard on yourself. Or him. Sending you a gentle hug and condolences.

So sorry to read how much your hurting and I pray your pain gets less each day and your memories help to console you xx

Thank you all for your replies. Molly Moo I’m so sorry must be so hard for you,
It’s the missing and the longing that hurts so much.

Doodle I meant to respond to your post, apologies and I add my condolences to you. [ flowers]

for Doodle

Thank you x

So sorry Doodle