Bereavement wipes out everything

marlow

Hello everyone

I've only been reading gransnet for a few weeks and it seems to be a lovely, supportive community of caring people.

However I've got to be honest, I don't understand why, when everyone agrees that grief is unique to each individual, the original poster's opinion was immediately dismissed. It seemed to me to be a genuine heartfelt opinion intended to be supportive and yet it was met with a condescending reply and even a question about her own grief experience as if there's a scale and maybe she didn't qualify to have an opinion, even being referred to as 'glib'.

This is my first post and will possibly be my last as I'm sure I won't be popular but I think she has been treated quite unfairly for posting a lovely, supportive message and I find that difficult to read.

PS in case you're wondering, my own grief 'credentials' are that my beloved husband of 55 years died of cancer three months ago.

Marlow, thank you for your post. GN is an open place to share thoughts and opinions and there are plenty of debates and disagreements. The OP was heartfelt and positive with their post but if I do not agree that "emotions pass" and "grief fades", I will say so. I am not trying to order someones mood. Disagreeing is not a social illness here. This is a place of growth not stunting backwards.

Mystyeyes11

Its 12 weeks today since ny darlng hubby passed away.i am in bits been together since i was 17 we had 57 years together .ww were very close always just the 2 of us, didnt socialise was very happy with each other. Now im alone i cant eat, sleep i cry continuosly i love him so very very much my heart is broken, dont know which way to turn .

MystyEyes. I have suggestions off the top of my head from the love inside my heart:

1. You could be dying of a broken heart, like I was. Make yourself purchase a case of liquid meal replacement drinks for elderly and try to have one once a day to avoid getting sicker. If your stomach stays empty, it could refuse all food in the future.

2. Lay on your bed, on the grass, on the floor and cry your heart out any time you want to. This is not abnormal - it lessons the cortisol chemical hormone in your body.

3. Have a journal ready and write your husband a quick hello and put in words, your feelings. Write a goodnight and good morning to him in the journal. Write through the tears even if you can only write three words over and over again. Dont reread your writings.

4. Try to walk, if possible. Clean something vigorously if you want to.

5. Contact your GP and temporarily, start some anti-depressant medication. You can take less medicine after this shock lessons and you are ready for small bites of tragedy.-.not the whole dump truck load at once.

6. Dont reserve night for sleep. Sleep any time you can. Make a dark cave-like bedroom to crawl into mid-day. Lots of pillows, cats or teddies. Maybe even your sweethearts sweater or coat.

7. Learn to love yourself like he loved you and like he probably still is doing right now. You were put here to show him love. Understand you are human and thus you have flaws. Thats okay.

Many hugs, peace and strength to you.

Dont be so shy that you stop posting. Everyone is here to help you.

....and no one is going through what you are going through.

I lost my darling hubby in February after being bed bound for a year. He was 67, I am 64 and devastated...i dont think i have ever felt so much emotional pain in my life...I have no else but one adult daughter who sadly broke my heart when she didnt find it necessary to give me much comfort or company in the weeks following his death. I have known total and utter despair and had no one to help me. Now i have to try to look forward to a lonely life ahead. Saying im sad doesnt even begin to touch the horrendous feelings im going through at present. How do you carry on and begin your life all over again?...Im not interested in anything.

Doodle if I remember correctly its hasn't been to many years since Mr D died. For me and many others like yourself grieve does not fade. I know in my case it gets worse over the years as my husband has missed so much. He always wanted to be a grandad unfortunately he died to young to become that. Even thought my son estranged me 6 years ago and will never understand why but not just me but all over side of the family. I hope he does tell his 3 boys about his dad.

My daughters 2 boys love hearing grandad stories and great grandad and great nannie ones to. Family history is important well that's how I was brought up and had past it on to the children when growing up. My brother isn't bothered about family history but he has just become a grandad and my niece may want to know about so she can pass things to her son.
Grieve doesn't have to be a negative thing as I have said on other threads and here my rage and anger over my husband dieing gets me through everyday and thankfully after 14 months of my health deteriorating since March back to my normal self. But my grieve kept me fighting to do things I wanted even though my mobility and speech was effected.

Thankfully havjng my mobility and speech back and enabled me to join a contemporary choir. My cheeky daughter the first night said what out for stray cats 🤣 did say to the choir director if I sound like a foghorn please tell me turns out I am an Alto. Am loving singing.

If we didn't love then we wouldn't grieve . I would rather grieve than never feel the love my husband shared. Losing half of myself was the price I was willingly pay to be loved so deeply and found the other half of me and my husband found the other half of himself in me .

citygirl I know you don't feel what's the point. I know when my husband died I didn't see the point in washing ,brushing my teeth or getting dressed. But I knew I had to because I would be letting my husband down if I didn't. It's like walking through treacle those first few days, weeks ,months even years . I call the first 10 year's early grief but that's my experience. Grief doesn't get easier but I found coping does. I do all
the things I do because my wise husband knew what I needed to live without him that was a series of promises and have kept everyone for the last 22 years. But I couldn't do the main one until I moved to the north west in 2019 and that's live the best life I can and I do.

After my husband died aged 47 I had my parents and my in law to look after. I had no life I existed. Our home was just a house. I heard my husband come through the door ever night at 6.30 drop his 2 briefcase in the porch and shout hello Whiff and I replied hello hubs. I still saw him sitting in his armchair laptop on his lap and files round his feet.

That stopped when I moved . My armchairs are identical so don't know which was his. But I do still see my husband if I have had a rant at him or very ill.

I would say to everyone talk to your loved one every day I have shouted at my husband for dieing, blamed him if he hadn't died our son wouldn't have dumped our side of the family, swore at him ,but also told him everything that our grandsons have done. My daughters boys. But I see him with that stupid grin on his face my knight in slightly tarnished armour as if to say feel better and I do.

Grief for a spouse or partner is an individual things and its lonely. I am lonely not because I live on my own but lonely for my husband. He is the only person I want but he had no choice he had to die his cancer was to far advanced and he fought for 3 years . But he was in agony, unable to breath on full oxygen and unknown to this day because he didn't want them to know blind all he could see was people as black blobs. I had to tell him to stop and we would be OK. He died few minutes later. But there is never an okay.

Grief takes its toll on yout physical and mental health took me years to realise that but at 45 why did I know about grief like that.

Just get through each day the best way you can its all you can do . But please eat and drink and I don't mean alcohol. And look after yourselves only wish there had been someone to tell what I would go through. So hopefully my experience has helped one person .

Thankyou Macaydia for your very understanding advice. My heart is truly broken ww were 2 hearts beating as 1 we were so close we often had the same thoughts at the same time when he passed he took mine with hom i am ledt with fragments of a heart which is crumbling by the day. My love for him is so intense. 2 of my daughters have their own thoughts on what they call "my behaviour" which doesnt align with how i am feeling hence now no communication. I am not depressed or suicidal but i am truly heartbroken, every day is a challenge i cry all the time, i am now in gods waiting room waiting for my turn i am 75 now hopefully wont have a long wait and csn then be reunited with my wonderful ,magnoficent husband. Im trying to get through without getting meds of a GP. My love for him is so intense so I guess thats why my grieving is too. Ps please ignore any spelling errors im doing this thru floods of tears which is how every day begins. Thanks again for your advice. I am in middle of writing tge story of how are life togethwr began also got 5 photo albums on the go, i love looking at his pics. Ive also up to now ,on counting, have got 60 photo frames various sizes a lot wall mounted with large pics of him hung all over the house from the front door on , his warm loving smile greets me when i come in stops house feeling so cold and empty. I spend hours thru tears working on hos photos in a bid to keep him alive and with me. I bought 3 journals which i haventstarted to write yet. A Life well rememvered lives on. Take care.

Mystyeyes11 heartbroken is exactly what its like for the love of your life to die. Yes everyday is a challenge. But would your husband want you to give up. 75 isn't old and unless you are dieing from an illness you could live 10 or more years yet. What would he say to you ? You know deep down what that would be . Grief is never ending. I was born disabled and born with a hole in the side of my heart. It was my fit healthy husband who got grade 4 malignant meloma was given 5 years to live he lived 3. He wanted to reach his 47th birthday and died 4 days later at home with our children.

I am glad you can write the story how you meet and hope you write about your life together . You are braver than me . There is no way I could do that. When it would have been our 40th wedding anniversary I wanted to look at our photo album but couldn't but I did days later. And remembered all the things that went wrong that day. It was a mix of happy and sad tears.

I always believe as long as 1 person remembers the loved one who dies they live on . I like my husband are an atheist. What gives me comfort is part my husbsnds DNA lives on in our children and grandsons.

But like I have said I owe it to him to live the best life I can and its hard. But its what he wanted. I have already had my brush with death. But to stubborn and my temper won't let the grim reaper have me yet. My husband is always with me in my heart and mind. He was and will forever be my one and only true love my rock and because of him I get through whatever life throws at me . Because I know he wouldn't want me to give in .

Do you realise you are showing your strength and courage and your undieing love for your husband by posting here. I am sure he would be proud of you. You may not think you are brave but you are .

I suppose my sitting in gods waiting room is my urgency to be with my hubby and i cant see any life for me without him. He waa my world. The night i met him he came into a club. Said to my friend im going home with him and i did, i left the club with him and never went home again . Married him twice 1st time in a registry office then 25 years later renewed our vows in a church for our silver wedding i would do it all again in a heart beat. I looked at seceral forums not confident enouh to register with any. Then at a low point i came back to this one so in need to talk took bull by horns and joined. So glad i did the people are lovely, kind Sympathetic because of their own experiences. The last 4 years of his life he had health problems several things, he has heart problems several mini strokes copd registered blind,and dementia. He lost a lot of weight he was poorly, I became his 24/7 carer he wanted to live at home and i was happy to look after him i would do it all again just to have him back. He ended up in hospital with sepsis on his kidneys and 3 days later he quietly slipped away while i was there visiting, even the doctor said he wasnt expecting it. The house is still the same as when he was here his stuff everywhere it brings me comfort. I uses to think dying of a broken heart was just an expression ive since found out it is possible it can happen. Its amazing how a strangers words can help ease the pain, and I thankyou for that. Take care.

Todays been a really bad day, cant think straight cried most of the day, dont know what im supposed to do, not used to being alone dont know where im meant to be feel like screaming not coping without my DH, doubt it woll ever stop hurting i love him so very much. Im in bits today its the 87th day without him. I am heartbroken , cant eat sleep or focus on anything I so want him back, sorry nobody to talk too have to unload stuff. Thanks for listening. Im just hurting so much .

Mystyeyes you probably won’t believe me if I tell you I know how you feel. When I felt the same I thought I was going mad. Other people seemed to cope they weren’t at their wits end.
I phoned the GP in a state of panic. They asked if I intended to harm myself but I assured them I would never do that to our family but I just felt out of control and spiralling.
Unique though these feeling feel to you i assure you others have felt the same. Not everyone, because marriages can be different but lots of us have such great love for our husbands.
I am still here and living now. Doing things. You will get by I promise. Sorry I have to dash out now but I will come back and talk to you again if you want. There are many here who understand. Hugs.

It feels like my whole world gone, some folks just dont understand. Talking would be good, catch you later thankyou. Hugs back.

You are very early into your journey - twelve weeks is no time at all to be expecting anything of yourself. As Doodle says, be assured that, like the rest of us, you will learn to smooth out the bumps in the road and life will feel more like living again. There will always be times when you’ll struggle. I do now, after four years. But it will be bearable. There will be a small tear in the fabric of this awful existence that you will whittle away at to reveal new possibilities. When that time comes, you won’t turn your back on it and let the tear heal. You’ll craft something new and different that will still contain everything you loved about your husband, but those memories won’t be raw and painful. The intense hurt you are feeling now is a necessary part of your grieving but it doesn’t have to shape your future. I wish I could take away your pain. All I can say is, be kind to yourself.

My family feel i should be over the tears, im totally heartbroken and a long way off that. They are causing a rift. I am trying to distance myself .I cant imagine ever coming through it hes my world imconstantly crying not sleeping or eating just want to be with him its 88 days today cant believe hes not here, not sure where i should be dont know where i fit any more. Found myself shouting at DH before, never ever shouted at him when he was here its crazy. Had chest pain since day he passed like im carrying a heavy load.thankyou for your kind words much appreciated.

Have you been in touch with anyone about counselling?

It sounds as if you need someone to listen without judgment to all your pent up grief.

Mystyeyes I am a widow of five weeks standing and understand how devastating this can be. I have moments of despair, too, although I do have support from my AC and friends and there are lighter times as well.

Have you tried to access any professional help from your GP or other listening services? Your children may simply be at a loss as to how to help so outside help could be useful. I know it seems a huge effort to have to make, to start off the process, but it might come as a relief to you to share your sadness.

Take care. X

116 123 is the number of the samaritans, i believe, too, Mystyeyes.
They will listen, any time, night or day.

You never get over the tears but please don't fight them. Let them flow if you don't your chest will hurt well thats how it was for me . The feeling of being alonr never stops but it takes years to cope. As I have said before this is just my experience .

I am in Lancaster for 5 days hols. Walked over a lot lot of cobbles stones and my stick slipped lot of times and all I could think was where is he to save me. I didn't fall luckily . But my husband was always there . We saved each other in it lot of ways .

The feeling off this shouldn't be my life I still feel. But I know my husband would be flabbergasted the things I do. But I don't do or go to places we went together those memories are to precious. Unfortunately when my health got worse in 1988 I lost some of my memories of our courting days. I can look at a photo and no idea where or when it was taken. And it still hurts. I feel like I am betraying him.

All the things you are feeling is because of love. For many of you your loss is worse as you had decades more than I did. But it all boils down to feeling the same.

How do you stop being a couple the answer is you don't. You are alive and the love of your life is dead. But not in your heart and mind . And its hard and will only get harder. I used to count hours, days,weeks,months then you find a year has gone by then another . For years I hated 1.27pm on Friday . But my eyes always went to the clock watching the count down from 15 minutes past no matter where I was.

Each day feels like walking through treacle one step forward 2 back. But i never want to stop feeling that because it makes me fight to keep the promises I made him . It's what gets me out of bed every morning.

You all know what your spouse or partner would say to you and what they would want for you and that's to live .

Do all of your realise how much courage you have by posting on here. As its hard to write how you really feel. But here there is no judgement only support ,understanding and friendship.

Things you can't say to anyone in real life you can say here. I know writing my rambles helps me because the words are out of my head .

No one expects you to ever stop grieving as without true love with the other half of yourself you wouldn't grieve.

It's hurts but some people live their whole lives and never know the pain we feel because they have never had the love and the feeling of being whole .

Hopefully this makes sense to at least one of you . Keep posting and get the words out of your head it won't stop the grief but better than feeling unable to get through the next hour or day.

Another bad day more and more tears.doctor rang yesterday wanted to see me immediately thought i had a blood clot that could travel to heart and lungs and could prove fatal. It was weird I suddenly felt calm, uplifted like my wish to be with my DHwas being answered, sadly not to be, turns out tobe an ulcer which had caused leg to swell a lot as it was infected. I fell back to earth with a bump then more and more tears right thru the night. I dont want this new life i want my old one back.counselling not for me I get too upset speaking verbally nor do iwant meds they just mmask tge pain when u stop your problem is still there. The seep pain i am feeling is born from thedeep love my DH and I shared why would I ever want to wipe those memories out they were 57 wonderful years. I have to work thru it even though i have no idea where the end of this heartache is going to be. My love for him will far exceed eternity he was a wonderful man i ache to ve with him. Take care thinking off you all on this heartbreaking journey.

I struggle opening up about things i am a very private person and have always kept personal stuff to myself and worked through it with my DH. I havent even spoke about this verbally to anyone. I dont have friends as my life was everything i needed just with my DH and he with me. 2 hearts beating as 1. When the doctor rang yesterday I ended up babbling in floods of tears as she wanted me to go surgery and I didnt want to leave the house , ive spent most of laat 4 years indoors as my DH carer and it has affected my walking ability, lack of confidence it makes going out a stressful position. Since my DH pasaed 13 wks ago i have hardly been out not even once a week i buy online so save the anxiety of going out.My DH and the house have been my whole world and it worked well as my DH was here .Hence speaking verbally to strangers abour my private stuff is too traumatic

Do you have any pets?

Just stay home alone as long as you need to. I couldnt face anyone either. I was in shock and still am, somewhat. I read that people stop asking how you are by month four so that is when they forget about your loss and how you are coping. You have to do this alone. I know you can. I definitely coudnt look at any photos - way too sad - but i have a special beautiful candle I light when I have no words. There are no words.

I am only half a person and dont know how to function. Just figuring stuff out after 5 months.

I am glad my DH is free from pain and I feel privileged that he chose to share his life with me. I am also glad that he doesnt have to go through what I am going through.

Keep posting whenever you want and GN will listen. (I cant do counselors either.)

Wishing you peace in this foreign place you have found yourself in.

I too feel priveleged he chose me and spent 57 wonderful years with me, he was and is still a wonderful man, he brought such love and life to me. I spend hours looking at his pics some make me cry some make me smile, some i had enlarged and framed seem alive has his eyes seem to follow me as i cross a room he has a beautiful smile. Im thinking of having gis pic printed on a duvet set as its one way of getting my wonderful man back in bed lol have his face on the pillow too.

I do have a pet, a cat Bennie hes 14 now. Always slept downstairs till my DH passed he now fights for DH side of bed. He rubs his head on DH urn saying goodnight its on the hearth when we go to bed its cute like he understands

Mistyeyes a lot of what you say resonates with me. I cried every single day for over a year when I lost DH. Your children are wrong if they say you should be over tears.
Thing is many people can’t cope with the tears. They don’t have any answers and don’t know how to help you.
Like you I was with my DH 57 years. We also did everything together. Spent all our time happily with one another. I only had one friend and no outside interests.
Apart from the first week and an odd occasion I try not to cry in front of our children. I know they are hurting too and they can’t help so don’t want to burden them.
Unlike Macaydia I don’t think you can necessarily do it on your own. Certainly only you can help you but I do think we need people to talk to. To be outside of the house and find some interest in other things rather than constantly thinking of how bad things are.
I think a big part of your problem is being housebound and not wanting to talk to people. We need company. We need distraction and spending all your time on your own won’t help you. Counselling isn’t about trying to make you move on or forget. You won’t forget. This grief will be with us forever but counselling of the right kind can help as can antidepressants although I note you don’t want meds.
I do think you need to find something to do outside of your home. You need company otherwise you’ll sit and think all the time.
A lot of how we live with grief is how we try and cope, nothing will ever replace my DH. I miss him every second of the day. I want to be with him again as soon as I can. Life is not the same without him. I’ve cried buckets and felt mad with grief but I’ve made an effort to live. I now have friends and believe me having someone to talk to and meet up with does help. There are many other widows out there who would like someone to chat to. Even is you’re not that sociable you do need to try for your own sake and that of your family.
Trust me I do know that great love. The overwhelming loss but you can manage to live with the sadness and loneliness if you can share some of those feelings with others,
Sending a big hug to you and Macaydia