Can't cope sometimes

Right I really have to go now temporarily. Yes you are so kind. Yes Annesixty I know where you are coming from and normally. It would not affect me and I should think myself lucky and I can walk away,I have had two calls since my first posting . One the control centre at mums saying someone gave the wrong password to get into the sheltered housing. So would not let the carer in . I spoke to the care agency. Then the carer which luckily I know this one got in by ringing someone else's bell. Or mum would not have got her Wiltshire farm foods lunch. It's daily life people phoning me .about mum. Then a really sad call my cousin called his grandson is very poorly little lad with a brain tumour. He fought it once and survived. Does not look too good now. I am off now to get out the Christmas decorations.

"There is no money in the local council to pay for mum to go there"

Decisions about admission to a care home and how it is paid for are based on need and not on how much the LA has in its coffers. Your Mum needs a proper assessment from them and if she needs care in a home, then there is a financial formula for who pays and how - but they cannot refuse her the care because they have a tight budget - they have a legal duty to provide that care.

Yes, if your mum has less than £23,000 in savings (I think it is) the council has to step in and help.

Is there any way you/she could afford a live-in carer? As your mum doesn't need nursing care and is mobile, one person should be enough.

Doesn't growing old sound horrendous

She is well below the threshold and she lives in a one bed housing association flat. Just had a phone call from continence nurse saying the samples she had sent round mum says she won't wear them. So we have to carry on with the expensive pull ups which she finds hard to change with tights etc. I told her wear them because what if I refuse to go and buy them I will get them myself she says( she is housebound. I don't know why I even try to argue,

Oh dear luckyrose. You have my sympathy having been in your position with my poor mum who also lived at home alone for years before having to go into nursing care and who also had dementia.
All you can do is your best, which is what you are doing. I can say try and be patient but if it all gets too much dont beat yourself up either.
Best not to argue....gets you nowhere. Its an awful situation. Do come back for a bit of support because there are many here who understand.

Oh that’s an awful situation. Of course you’re worried about your daughter, and that anxiety makes things much worse! I think the long appointment is standard, as they do a whole range of tests, and it includes a consultation. Most people are fine, so fingers crossed!

My DD, aged forty, had a 3 hour appointment just yesterday. I think it's because after a mammogram, if any concern, they will then use ultrasound, which then may lead to the necessity for a biopsy. After the ultrasound, my daughter waited to see a doctor who said all was well. There are waits between all these steps, hence the length of time allocated for the appointment. The doctor said that 50% of the time, nothing further is required, so fingers crossed.

You don't know it's cancer. Most breast lumps are benign. They've given her a 3 hour appointment so that any Xrays or scans can be analysed by the relevant experts and results given to her immediately and if necessary, a plan of action decided. I think that's a good idea. I had to go back twice!

It is a place to moan. And to share our stories. I am shocked at the appalling provision for the elderly. It breaks my heart.
I managed to get my mum intoa nursing home near me when she was 94. She didn't want to leave her home so after falling on the floor lay there for three days wantng to die. I was 250 miles away. Kept ringing phone apparently engaged she had taken it off the hook. She hadn't pressed the button round her neck, She kept all that secret. I was so pleased she was found and saved by a cousin who went round when we all thought her engaged tone as odd. And after 3 months in hospital in London I managed to get her up to Leeds into a nursing home where I was able to visit her every day till she died 10 months later. I was lucky - her house paid. In truth the NHS should have paid as she was in need of medical nursiing care and not just residential. It is a massive problem.
As well as for you I feel so much for your mum. As we become as helpless as we were as babies there for the grace of god go we. As a civilised society we must fight politically for this. Decent full time care where we are safe and clean and warm in our dotage is something that shouldn't be left entirely in the private sector - for the haves - not the have nots. It is truly disgusting.
Good luck with your daughter. Another massive worry. Big hug

Yes, and if they do a fine needle aspiration the resulting fluid will need to be analysed in their lab. If it looks like lager, it's a cyst!

I empathise with your situation as my family have recently began looking after my mother who has Altzheimers but is still able to live at home with support from her family. I am lucky to live 10 miles away so visiting is easy and have two siblings to share the support. My own mobility is greatly restricted until I have my knees replaced!

Re funding for a care home, your mums local authority will have to pay for a place if your mum has savings of less than £23,000 (approx) and does not own her house.. I suggest you contact them to ask for an assessment with social services, stressing to them how vulnerable she is, her falls etc and poor diet. You need to be present when they do it so that you can make sure they know the real situation. They are obliged to do this but might try to fob you off.

You could also contact Alzeimers Society who have a helpline and also a forum for carers who are very supportive.

hi there, the Alzheimers society has a website with a chat forum. Think it's called 'Talking Point' if I remember rightly. It covers everything, legal, emotional & practical help. I found it very supportive when helping a relative with long hospital stays, move to care home,increasing dementia, power of attorney ..... No matter your situation you will find, someone who has been there & can empathise. we all want our relatives safe, warm & fed and even that can seem impossible at times. Best wishes to you x

I really feel for you , we had to be quite frankly ‘arseholes’ to get my mum in law into a home . Because she lived in a council house they didn’t want to give her a care Home place . We supported her at home as much as we could , but she didn’t know day from night , wandered about at all times of the day and night and couldn’t get herself home . She was dirty , under nourished dehydrated and unable to co-operate with anyone . We were lucky after an immense struggle to get her a place in a lovely home , I think not only do we feel the burden of caring for our frail elderly parents it is the feet that in a few years this is what is coming to us x

luckyrose, first of all, loads of . People have said it all already, but just to emphasise a) you are entitled to a Carer's Assessment from SS b) your mother WILL get help towards respite/full time care if her assets are below £23k c) losing the plot is understandable and inevitable! I looked after DH with dementia for 15 years, and I can attest to that! You are so worried about your daughter, it has brought this to a head (btw, they will probably be doing several diagnostics and will be able to tell her the same day if she needs treatment, hence the 3 hours). Please make this the opportunity to review what you are doing. Ultimately, and possibly quite soon, your mother will need professional care, and it is always better to start off the process when you have a choice rather than wait until you break down or she has an accident, when choices will be limited. All the very best to you, and please come on here to vent when you need to!

Hi Luckyrose, Believe me I understand just how you feel as I have a daughter, living on her own some 55 miles round trip away. She has all the same medical problems plus she is type diabetic and seizures. She does have carers, good one but she is hard work and I feel so guilty, not sure what about but guilty. I was 70 this year and have my own health problems and at long last I have managed to step back and the guilt and worry is nearly gone. I have done as much as I can. I just hope you find a way to feel better about the situation, it’s not easy. Rant on gn as much as you like, we will always listen

Luckyrose, it sounds like you are getting really stressed out with everything which is not good particularly for you because of your MS.

I hope all goes well for your daughter at the hospital.

If you haven't yet then get a full assessment for your mother as it seems maybe a care home would be the best place now and would be peace of mind for you maybe.

I also think you need to find some form of stress free therapy to suit yourself. This is important for you to manage your own health and cope with stresses which can appear much greater when you are not coping.

From hearing other people's experiences I think it's hard not to lose patience with people with dementia. It might help if you remember it's not your mother doing annoying things, it's something that's imposed itself on her, doing annoying things to both of you. I dread dementia so much that I sometimes wonder if everyone wasn't better off before we had all this dietary and exercise advice and used to die of heart attacks in middle age before all these old age things got to us.

luckyrose That sounds like a dreadful lot of worry for you. Do rant on if it helps you feel better.
I think many of us have had a rant on GN when very stressed. Sending a supportive (((hug))) if it helps .

It is hard in a different way if there is a distance. My mother rang me last week to say that she had been run over by her wheelchair which she forgets to turn off and has staples in her head. She is in Canada and I am not well enough to travel. She has a brilliant care agency but she can't afford to have them in every day and she turned nasty when I offered to pay for some extra time. She said 'no one will help you when you're my age so you need your money'. She has always been a bit of a martyr but not it is a real problem. A friend visited her a couple of days ago so she was quite cheerful but often isn't.
You can only do so much. Fighting with the authorities can be the worst of it and I am grateful that I haven't had to do that.
Don't expect more from yourself than you are capable of.

Lucky Rose, regarding your daughter, try to block out any worry thoughts by distracting yourself. When I went to get a lump checked out, I was surprised how common it is. I met two past acquaintances who were also there. We were all cleared. I tend to over think,so I know how important it is to control negatve thoughts or ants as they are referred to.

Try and stay positive about your daughter. I had a similar thing 6 months ago - the 3 hour appointment was for a breast scan, ultrasound and needle biopsy, then chat with consultant. At least you know they're doing everything to check it out. Thankfully it was nothing. I hope your daughter has a good result.

luckyrose62
Who is looking after your mum in between your visits.?
I lived 300 miles from my late mum so she was given adult social care. Had she gone into full time care this would have been funded by the state as the flat she was living in was rented and not her own. But any savings she had would have been used for care home fees. Your mum will not be left to fend for herself I guarantee.The UK is not a third world country.I don't know your mum's financial situation but she clearly needs 24hour care Have you not looked into this.? As for your daughter I can understand your worry but many of these lumps are benign and aspiration of the lump is usually done first and the fluid then tested Been there so can understand your concerns Please please try to be positive.

Thanks I am feeling so much better. Just one of those days. Mum has refused the continence pads so we are just using pull ups like we have for the last 2 years. She said I am not having anyone messing with me. I told her it's for her to put the pads on . She said they rode up in the night. She would of only got 3 a day anyway. 3 miles away in another town they get 4 a day??? Thanks again all and annesixty yes I was a bit harsh and stressed.

I'm pleased you are having a better day, we all have days when things get us down and the last straw is reached.
We must all hope that the good days outweigh the bad.
My H drew the curtains yesterday evening and said " is it time for bed now?" It was 5:15pm and then he thought it was 5:15am. I managed to keep him up until 9pm.
Last weekend he was in bed at 8pm both Sat and Sun, the thing is he expects me to go as well.

If you think your Mum would be best served by joining her relatives in the home you have described as being good, and herself is willing, then there is nothing standing in her way, except the existence of a vacancy there.

SS must assess her, both for her needs, and also for her finance (which will determine how it is paid for) and then you can approach the home. She really does sound as though she qualifies on the basis of need; and that her contribution will be small and affordable..