Can't cope sometimes

Bless you. It's tough having all the responsibility with no help and whilst being unwell yourself. My daughter is my father's primary carer as I have incurable cancer and am often quite ill. We have my DH's aunt to look after as well but she is in a home so that's easier and we have a 15yr old 'Kevin' (as in Harry Enfields character) I wish your daughter good luck for her tests. Make sure you are accessing all the available help there is and consider putting DM into a home where she'll be safe and looked after all the time. There will be times with your own health that you can't get to dm if needed. There's support on here if you want a rant, ignore people who don't support you. Bad help is worse than no help at all! x

Having had an awful lot of dementia to cope with for so many years in the past (mother and FiL) I do second the advice about the Alzheimer's Society Talking Point forum. Whatever you are going through, someone else will have been there - it's always a safe space to let off steam, have a good old moan, with people who understand exactly what it's like.

It does sound to me as if your mum should be in a care home - she sounds extremely vulnerable. If she doesn't have sufficient assets then the council has to fund it. You do need to tell Social Services firmly that she is Vulnerable and At Risk - the buzzwords. If you are 70 miles away, never mind your own health problems, then I don't see how, with the best will/ability in the world, it's possible for you to give enough care.

Do please have a look at the Alz. Soc. website and Talking Point forum - you will be able to access a lot of very well informed advice.
BTW live in carers, as suggested by somebody, do come extremely expensive - often more than a nice care home, especially when you take into account all the household expenses on top. We looked into it for an aunt of Dh - no dementia but needing help more or less 24/7 - the cost was prohibitive. She finally went into a nice care home instead.

I do hope your mind will soon be put at rest concerning your daughter - such a dreadful worry for you.

Well I have no intention of living longer than my brain. First sign of dementia and I will be out of this life. No desire to be dependant on my daughters or anyone else. Me and DH agree on that.
I would like to know why it is that the authorities think its their job to prevent me from deciding for myself when to go. If they made it easier one could risk waiting longer but they don’t so we have to go while we still can.

luckyrose62, I am care supervisor in a residential home. Reading your account of your Mums needs she appears to be very vulnerable and at risk of harm. I would certainly recommend you contact social services for a care plan assessment as I feel it would be in her best interests to move into 24hr care. The funding body would need to complete a financial assessment but she sounds like she meets the criteria for funding if she hasn't any assets. Do not feel guilty. She will benefit from the social aspects of the home as well as the personal care. You can then enjoy her company as a Daughter instead of a carer and live with less stress in your life.

It is damned hard ladies isn't it? My mum is 92, deaf, heart failure kidney failure, high blood pressure and the beginnings of dementia. Gets really agitated over the slightest thing, which of course racks up her blood pressure usually ending in an ambulance trip to hospital. I try to make life as smooth as possible but recently her fridge broke, and she got so upset, even though it was sorted within 48 hours for a new one. I am constantly worried sttressed and worn out, and frustrated as there are many things she coup do to make life easier but refuses. If I ask what the reasoning for this is she always just says " I just don't want to"- sooo frustrating! Oh Lord ladies , do you think in another few decades our children will be saying the same about us ?

Oh Maw, I didn't know PW had passed, all love to you.

The trouble is she lives in a coastal town a typical retirement resort. I cannot even get them to say how much they would fund. The respite one which she enjoyed is £650 ph but from reading between the lines the only give about £450. We did have named social worker who was interested and understood mums needs and got extra home care in. However they only assign them got 6 weeks then they have done. I have put £660 aside to give her and us a weeks break. Trying to get another social worker is blood out of a stone. Decided mum can have the pull ups is it makes her happier but they are a devil to change with tights on. She can do that herself but takes ages when she remembers. She got nasty with carers when I asked them to remind her. When she went in the respite they tactfully sent them to the toilet at regular intervals.

What a frustrating read your post made for me Mary doll.
If only people would seek advice as soon as there is a problem? Citizens Advice give people advice on benefit entitlements and about legal rights regarding social services assessments, as well as things like power of attorney or appointee-ship
It depresses me how little people know about their rights and entitlements, or how to access these?it seems to be a growing problem! When I first went into social welfare law and joined an advice agency 20 years ago, there was a better level of knowledge in the general population, and an ability to seek advice. now we see more and more people who had no idea of the sources of advice or information, and have been struggling on for ages often needlessly and often missing out on things they are entitled to. This is across the board from employees who are being dismissed without any procedures or for automatically unfair reasons such as discrimination to people entitled to benefits they don’t know about like those your mother was entitled to! Thank goodness your colleague persuaded you to call adult social care!
I know that legal advice agencies are stretched financially and resource wise as most are charities. Citizens Advice certainly is and the local offices receive no funding from Government! No doubt some people will have comments that theirs was useless etc as I have seen on threads before, however it’s a good starting point, and I can only speak for the 3 I have worked at,that give an excellent service and try to move clients on with their problems with an holistic approach to look at all the issues that they can get advice on

Thankyou all for your comments. I am feeling much better now. Daughter has got the all clear. Mum got into respite at Christmas and is really enjoying it.
Yes I do feel a bit silly when many of you are going through much worse. I think it was the worry of daughter that tipped me over a bit. She had been through a horrible year her husband left when their daughter was just 18 months old. Left her clearing some of his debts. So I just felt she and us could not cope with anything else with the three elders.
Happy and healthy new year to you all.

luckyrose our feelings are real what ever the circumstances, so you shouldn't feel silly. You were able to unload your feelings here and it sounds like things are going better now. It's easy to look back and feel like you should have been able to cope better, but the truth is that sometimes life feels overwhelming. Best wishes to you and your family for the coming year.

I’ll second Wilma’s good wishes. Life can be hard and it’s good to be able to vent sometimes. What you’ve been through lately certainly wasn’t trivial and it’s good to hear that you all seem to have turned a corner now, particularly regarding your daughter’s health. Happy New Year!

Luckyrose, can you try and persuade her to give up the tights?
My mother in law only wore popsocks when she was in that situation. She went into a care home after being found lying in the garden where she'd been for three hours.
She then decided to make her own bed in the care home, tripped and hit her head, had a stroke and never came out.
She had to be moved to a nursing home after a year, as the care home could not cope with her nursing needs and dementia.

I know what you mean about getting angry as well. I used to get angry with my husband who had ataxia and was doubly incontinent for over fifteen years. It took his mother's 90th birthday party at our house for our sons to tell me I couldn't cope on my own any longer. New Year's Day 2012. He died three weeks later, but for those final three weeks I was so relieved to have carers coming in four times a day, so I had time and energy to have my husband back instead of just being a wornout carer. I still had to feed him and give him insulin injections, but I didn't have to sort out the incontinence issues.
Durham had the same problem with numbers of pads as well. Because he was being cared for at home, the carers used to come with a few from the care homes to supplement those he was allowed.

Take care of yourself. You won't be any good to your mum or your daughter if you get worse.

By the way, I didn't know about Gransnet until after he had died. I could have done with somewhere to rant.