Problem with gardener

I can understand why you are so upset. The advise you have been given is ( mostly) sound. No more meals but drink of tea is the way to go. Let your DH desk with him re. payment. Keep him to outside work only , perhaps look for another gardener if you continue to feel uncomfortable about him.

Allsorts, than you for your kind, helpful response and yes, those telling me the mistakes I made have just rubbed salt in the wound. I'm well aware that I've handled this badly. Baggy and Fleur thank you too. I know he's not frightened of dogs and think he was genuinely concerned that she might have or cause an accident . I had no problem with him telling me to keep her in but he was so aggressive in the way he said it. Really unpleasant. Merely Streep, you make a very good point.

I suggest you let your husband deal with him in future and keep contact to a minimum beyond making the odd cup of tea or coffee. Dh may enjoy chatting to him about the garden but it sounds as if your chap likes to be left alone to get on with the job. Experienced hard working gardeners can be difficult to find. Most are so called landscapers with minimal actual gardening knowledge and charge an arm and a leg as well. You could look for another gardener but keep this one on until you find one.

I have a gardener and when he calls we say our pleasantries then I just leave him to get on with things as he knows what needs doing , it’s their job to know . I think you’ve taken this position step too far in making him lunches , analysing his personality, trying to make a friend out of him, he obviously doesn’t feel the same , as he’s hard working man as you say just leave him alone to it to get on with his job , the poor guy most probably doesn’t want all the fuss and faffing about , just a quiet life and to get on and do the job you’ve employed him do.

Before I retired I was a gardener. Most of my work was for people who loved their gardens and had been keen gardeners before they found themselves needing help as they got older. Often my lovely clients would potter around the garden with me as I worked and we would plan projects together and talk plants for hours.

I loved doing the job and it was a joy when my customers became friends, gave me snack or cuppas.

I'm a bit shocked by the comments here telling Sloegin to 'pull up her big knickers' and to put up with the swearing and shouting. Also, the 'you can't get the staff' jokes aren't helpful. If you are buying a service you don't have to put up with bad behaviour from anyone, whatever their background. I'm a working class person who has been employed by multiple clients of all backgrounds over many years. I would treat people politely and with respect and they always returned that favour.

I don't see why the OP should have to skulk in her house keeping out of the way of a man she is paying to work in her garden.

The customer isn't always right, but this lady and her husband seems like great people to work for and the least this man could do is be pleasant and not foul mouthed. The dog is on it's own land and was presumably part of the deal when the man took the job on. An experience gardener will know how to keep a dog out of the way if any dangerous work is going on.

Good gardeners are hard to find, but they are out there. I'd recommend keeping a polite distance from this man, forget the incident and focus all your energy on trying to find one of the qualified (not retired painters) gardeners out there who will enjoy working in your garden for such kind, generous employers.

I live in a very rural area and last week, after much searching and waiting (10 months) a man came to install a fence. He was a chap as different from me as it is as possible to be. He was excellent at what he did and a great bloke to have around. I gave him lunch and cuppas galore and he brought his fab little dog along who romped around the garden all day with my own dog. He and I got on like a house on fire and as well as doing a brilliant job I enjoyed his company.

Keep looking...they're out there.

Laugh perhaps and say to your husband you’ve decided that you might as well buy your veg rather than paying a gardener to grow them for you!

Cheeky bugger. He seems the type to ‘do his own thing’. I’d be uncomfortable around him. Seems he’s got a sharp tongue too. A ‘no’ from me anyway!

I wouldn't have him back as wouldn't want to be tip-toeing around my own home keeping out of his way.

And definitely wouldn't tolerate someone shouting aggressively at me!

Thank you Scones, you've made me feel a lot better. We did have a very nice ,properly qualified gardener but she was expensive and was employed nearly full time at a ' big house' so could only fit us in when free. This chap is not very knowledgeable about plants but good at digging, cutting hedges and grass etc. We have got a ' garden services' person who will come once a year to cut back creeper on the house. I think, at this stage, I'd be happy to move to an apartment! DH just can't accept leaving.

I wouldn't have him back - not because of the way he spoke to you about your dog, but because he didn't do as you asked regarding the furniture, fridge etc. That's not a personal issue, that's just not doing his job (and it is his job, however casual it is) as you asked. Is there a local Facebook group for your area? If so, you could ask on there if anyone knows anyone who can help. It might be a teenager who is looking for something to fund their way through college, or a pensioner who needs to keep busy (and some ££s). Either way, you are the 'employer' and that person is the 'employee', no matter how personable or not they might turn out to be. Good luck. x

I've had a thought Sloegin. Could your garden services people do a 'spring blitz' and 'autumn blitz' that would keep your garden under control. Then your qualified lady would come in now and then (to keep costs down) when she has a moment just to keep things a bit pretty.

Some of my keen veg growing clients found that transferring their veg growing to raised vegetable trugs (for sale all over the place and online) they were able to keep growing their own without all the bending and heavy digging.

Don't let this get you down. A garden's meant to be a fun thing and a pleasure. Getting the right people for the job will make it all seem more manageable. Hope your husband comes around to moving if that's what you really want.

your big mistake was allowing him over the threshold for meals before you got to know him .... you employ him to garden, he is not your friend.

Why not look on checkatrade or similar for someone doing gardening in your area. And no more meals! Keep a professional distance if he does return. Meanwhile, I’d be actively looking to let him go.

Thank you again Scones, very helpful.

You need to stop him coming immediately.
He clearly thinks he has the upper hand, this will only get worse as time moves on.
He could become a bigger problem, find a replacement and keep things on a professional level.

I agree with others that the OP shouldn’t have to stay in the house or go out when he is there gardening, it’s a bad job when you feel so uncomfortable with him that you feel obliged to keep out of his way. It’s your domain after all, not his.

Also agree about lunches, I make any workman a tea or coffee, no biscuits as I try not to have them in the house, and certainly wouldn’t be providing food. Bad enough deciding what to have for ourselves without any needless extras.

If after a while she still feels uncomfortable about it all, try and find another gardener, but remember sometimes better the devil you know.

The gardener is not going to adapt to you. It is annoying when a workman needs micromanaging especially when you don't like his mannerisms.

If this were me, I'd not get rid of him because of the swear words but because he disobeys or misunderstands instructions. Are you sure you told him explicitly and clearly where to place the fridge freezer?

I'd be worried that he might be so pig headed he'd do some work that you'd consider actual damage.

I suppose your work must not have included managing sweary underlings, so you were quite fortunate really to always have been treated with respect.

All advice to adopt a simple employer/employee attitude towards the gardener is good advice. Actually, I have had to get used to worse rudeness from workmen than you describe, including patronising facetiousness so I understand how employees can hurt your feelings.

I understand how you feel, my husband asked one of his retired golfing friends to garden for us, and he really patronised me. He shouted at me outside the village shop about payment - I thought my husband was paying him. My friend was in the shop doorway and he said 'have you ever worked for this woman?' Luckily she defended me. In the end I didn't even take him a cup of tea, he was a pig, I can't even remember how he stopped coming. Unfortunately now I've moved I live opposite him!

A widowed friend had a new gardener, unfortunately when he was strimming the lawn a stone jumped up and broke her patio window. She then found out he wasn't insured. Do ask your husband to find out if your gardener has insurance.

Whilst I've appreciated some of the practical advice not many seem to have picked up that it's advice and support about how I'm feeling following this incident. Maybe my fault for going into too much detail in OP. Some of the critical responses haven't helped me feel better about myself. This incident has almost tipped me over into depression. I just want to go to bed and hide but unfortunately too much to do to allow me to do that. I do seem to dwell on things more than I used to.

Sorry, didn't finish that sentence- it's advice and support about how I'm feeling following this incident I was hoping for.

Sloegin, your feelings sound out of proportion to the matter itself. We do tend to dwell and ruminate on things when we're unhappy with our own past actions - or reactions.

Try to accept that you made some mistakes, you failed to keep a suitable distance, you had high expectations etc. - then just forgive yourself and move on.

As you can’t easily find another gardener and we’re coming up to the time of year when not much will need doing in the garden, my inclination would be to keep him on for the time being, but letting your husband deal with him and just taking him a tea/coffee outside unless your husband can do that (you say he’s not in good health). Then I would set about looking into getting some raised beds put in if that’s affordable and you think your husband could manage them (and if he was a keen gardener I would think he’d love the opportunity to grow the veg again). Have you seen the chap on Gardeners’ World who is in a wheelchair and has some raised beds and long-handled tools for the others? Perhaps your lady gardener could advise and the ‘general garden maintenance’ people could put them in at a reasonable price over the winter when they might be glad of the work? The general maintenance people could doubtless do any pruning and hedge cutting you and your husband can’t manage. Then you can bid your present gardener a friendly farewell. Good luck. I hate confrontations too.

Sorry, I should have added that planning the way forwards as I suggested, if it’s for you, would help you not to dwell on this unpleasant business.

Sloegi
You need to be busy now to take your mind off him ? or practice some CBT.
But, if you do need/ want him back, least said soonest mended and fake it to make it.

Are good gardeners so very hard to find?
Perhaps during covid everything is hard but there will be someone out there who will be on your wavelength.

I pay a gardener who comes for about 3 hours each week as since DH died I cannot manage it by myself. She is a young woman who has done courses in horticulture and is building up her business. She is always polite and explains things to me.

I had to employ a tree surgeon for some really big scale lopping and shredding.

In the past we hosted volunteers from all over the world who mowed the grass, built a raised bed, trimmed trees - all kinds of general labouring. This source has dried up now out thanks to Brexit and Covid but it is interesting about personalities and there was one guy who would never take instructions from me, only from DH. I got so annoyed by him that I said "This is not working out for me, can you please find another host" and he did.

The work exchange was and will be again a wonderful source of both help and meeting interesting people. Some of our over 200 volunteers are still in touch.
www.workaway.info/en/hostlist/europe/gb
www.helpx.net/
wwoof.org.uk/

I am sorry you have been so upset by this rough fellow.

Sloegin I understand how you feel as I had an incident with a decorator this summer.

I was shouted at in my own home by this man, he waited until my husband was out to do this.

I was so shocked, I shouted back, he left the house and waited outside until my husband returned , he knows he will never set foot inside again.

I felt violated and extremely angry, my home is my haven and he had tarnished it.

Only time will heal and getting rid of him.

Do not try and heal the rift, leave it.