Problem with gardener

Sloegin I'm sorry you have been feeling low for some time and this recent incident has knocked you right back. I expect the seasonal change in daylight doesn't help either. Are you able to get out to meet friends for coffee or exercise and a good chat?
Have you had a word with your GP? If you really start to feel overwhelmed talking therapy and/or a course of antidepressants could help you to feel more like your old self.

I think you need to consider the following:

Is this man's behaviour so upsetting to you that you would really prefer to do without his work, even if it means you have to give up growing vegetables?

He is a recovering acoholic, and the behaviour you describe is fairly typical for anyone trying hard not to drink.

Can you accept that his rudeness, and the fact that he disregards your wishes and does things his own way, may be part of his history as an alcoholic?

Is the gardener afraid of dogs? Many people are.

How does your husband feel about this incident? Would he be willing to let the garden go to pot?

Can you find another gardener or a firm that will do a basic amount of gardening for a reasonable amount of money?

Offensive language is so common these days that those who use it really do not comprehend why you (or I) are offended or disgusted by it. Their attitude is "Everyone speaks like that" Can you accept his language as part of who he is?

Finally, is there any harm in him thinking your text message was actually an apology? You feel he has been disrepectful, but what about his feelings? Might you not both be feeling that you have been treated disrespectfully by the other?

If you want him to continue working for you, I think you need to tell him that you were annoyed by his attitude, but realise that he had felt the dog running at him was annoying and agree to let bygones be bygones

Grammaretto

Are good gardeners so very hard to find?
Perhaps during covid everything is hard but there will be someone out there who will be on your wavelength.

I pay a gardener who comes for about 3 hours each week as since DH died I cannot manage it by myself. She is a young woman who has done courses in horticulture and is building up her business. She is always polite and explains things to me.

I had to employ a tree surgeon for some really big scale lopping and shredding.

In the past we hosted volunteers from all over the world who mowed the grass, built a raised bed, trimmed trees - all kinds of general labouring. This source has dried up now out thanks to Brexit and Covid but it is interesting about personalities and there was one guy who would never take instructions from me, only from DH. I got so annoyed by him that I said "This is not working out for me, can you please find another host" and he did.

The work exchange was and will be again a wonderful source of both help and meeting interesting people. Some of our over 200 volunteers are still in touch.
www.workaway.info/en/hostlist/europe/gb
www.helpx.net/
wwoof.org.uk/

I am sorry you have been so upset by this rough fellow.

Thank you for this. I love the idea of hosting volunteers as we're involved for some years in the Host scheme for International students run by British Council. Sadly, because of my husband's health problems, we couldn't manage to host a volunteer.

Follow Blue bell’s advice. I wouldn’t lose a gardener.
Just let him turn up, give him a cuppa-if he’s there that long, even a couple of biscuits-keep the dog inside and THAT’s IT! ?

Sloegin when you are feeling down it is horrible and demoralising to be treated as you were. I think you have had some good practical advice on here but you also need some sympathy for your personal predicament. My neighbour stopped me and complained about the big stone with the house name on it at the bottom of the drive. I said it was impossible to move so his reaction was he would put a bin liner over it. I told him I would take it off again. Next day he apologised when I said I had found him aggressive. Thing is I don’t want to garden down there any more or even walk down the rest of the shared driveway, so I know these unpleasant incidents can be very up setting especially when you had always been kind, maybe too kind to your gardener.

I think you would be much more comfortable to find another solution and get rid of this gardener. Just tell him you don’t need him in the winter, you can’t afford it or something. Then sort something in the new year. Take care now.

Do you feel that as he’s working for you he should touch his forelock? There respect and a certain snobbery here. Is it that he’s your gardener and should know his place? Or is it genuinely that he’s been unpleasant? Think,of how you’ve spoken to him in the past if your not happy find another gardener.

Try and forget recent incidents and if happy with what this person is doing for you'let sleeping dogs lie. Saying that ,as he has upset you by his attitude, and you seem uncertain, and having been in your position it took me ages to find a replacement .am now very happy with my present gardener and only give him garden work. I take him tea/coffee outside and he sits in his vehicle to eat his lunch brought with him.He uses my outside toilet Never have him in the house.So shop around .I would be inclined to find a gardener who is a gardener and not claims can decorate etc etc etc.as well To each their trade what ever they claim. Good luck.

Sago, I'm sorry that you experienced similar but nice for me that you totally understand how I'm feeling. Trying to heal the rift in the hope of thinking he'd reciprocate with an apology was my mistake and I feel so foolish.

Newquay
Love your comment

A Little story about a gardener. My DH's GF did occasional gardening work for people - it was a sort of hobby I think. One afternoon he was working for a rather snooty woman who bragged about meeting the Sheriff of Nottingham that evening at an official dinner.

Imagine her face when she was introduced to the Sheriff - her gardener in full regalia.

* I'm a bit shocked by the comments here telling Sloegin to 'pull up her big knickers' and to put up with the swearing and shouting* I DIDNT SAY THAT As often happens you have put your own incorrect interpretation on my post Scones I didn’t tell sloegin to put up with swearing or any other bad behaviour My advice about the knickers was to stop going over and over what she’d ‘done wrong’ (she’d done nothing wrong but was beating herself up that she had)
Luckily Sloegin seemed to understand what I was advising although you obviously didn’t.
It was said in the original post that there were little choice and he was a good gardener so surely it’s about her being able to find a way to feel comfortable

Just remind me again - you're paying him right? If you let him get away with treating you badly then he will. Find someone else, unless of course you don't mind the bad language, abusiveness, upset, anger etc!

He's not a skilled gardener. From what we've been told he is good at digging and heavy work but a plantsperson is a different thing isn't it?

It sounds as though Sloegin and her DH are both keen and experienced gardeners already and just need someone to do the heavy work.

It should be easy enough to find a strong young person (or older) who wants a bit of extra cash and who could discover if they want to garden as a career.

Unless you do all the DIY yourself, we always employ people to do the things we can't.
My DS1 came over last w/end and I told him he had to help me rethread my kitchen pulley which had broken and fallen down. A tall ladder was required and I didn't want to attempt the job on my own. He protested that he was not the right son and didn't do DIY. However after gentle persuasion and a look on YouTube, he did it perfectly and went off feeling very proud of his new skill.

If DH enjoys the garden and you do too you should stay and enjoy it as long as you are able.
The garden was such a joy for us both during last year's lockdown and DH being shielded.

Somebody asked if gardeners are hard to find.
From my own experience they are.
I had no intention of doing paid work ever again when I retired 17 years ago.
Then in spring 2020 my close friends parents were told by their gardener that because of covid he wouldn’t be doing their garden. I was asked if I would do their garden. Then another friend was told the same thing by her gardener. Again, could I do hers.
They both know that I can’t go on forever ( I’m 75) but they both say the same thing: nobody wants to know.

Sorry you are still feeling low Sloegin, it is hard having to pay people to do things you could do before Father Time intervened.

The best advice I received when I had CBT was to remember that people 'own their own reactions' and their reaction to us is very often nothing to with us at all. Whatever this man said or did, is due to whatever is happening in his world, and who knows what is going on in it.

He can't be the person you need him to be, so just leave a flask of tea for him and don't have any more interaction with him.

BlueBelle

* I'm a bit shocked by the comments here telling Sloegin to 'pull up her big knickers' and to put up with the swearing and shouting* I DIDNT SAY THAT As often happens you have put your own incorrect interpretation on my post Scones I didn’t tell sloegin to put up with swearing or any other bad behaviour My advice about the knickers was to stop going over and over what she’d ‘done wrong’ (she’d done nothing wrong but was beating herself up that she had)
Luckily Sloegin seemed to understand what I was advising although you obviously didn’t.
It was said in the original post that there were little choice and he was a good gardener so surely it’s about her being able to find a way to feel comfortable

Do I 'so often' interpret your posts incorrectly Bluebelle? I honestly can't remember doing that before - if so, you've not mentioned it.

The swearing and shouting element of my post did not refer to you.

I was shocked by the tone of some of the comments to the OP. I thought I had conveyed that in a gentle way and not in a confrontational or aggressive way. I thought I'd written a kind and supportive mail to the OP and my sole aim was to try to help and be kind as I'm sure was yours.

Thank you to all of you who have left supportive comments and advice but particularly to those of you who understood why I was so hurt by this incident. One or two were, I felt, unkind and it's hard to understand why anyone would want to be nasty to someone who has said that they've got an ill husband and already feeling low. I only discovered Gransnet during lockdown and only second time I started a post. It's been a learning experience! A genuine thank you to the kinder folk. I think, overall, it has helped me get this in perspective .

I think you are extremely lucky to have found a gardener, let alone A hard working one. If it was me I would just forget what has happened and start again with him. As for the dog, well he could have been worried he, the dog, would get hurt, maybe he is a bit scared of and as for speaking aggressively to you that was probably done without thinking. Just put it all behind you and treat it as a bad day.

I would have given him his marching orders the minute he started using bad language. This is completely unacceptable behaviour from someone who’s come to your home to do work.

There are loads of people out there who can garden. You seem to be bending over backwards to accommodate him, when it should be the other way round. He needs the work. There’s so much wrong here, he needs to go.

It is only a garden. Get someone else.

Harris27

Do you feel that as he’s working for you he should touch his forelock? There respect and a certain snobbery here. Is it that he’s your gardener and should know his place? Or is it genuinely that he’s been unpleasant? Think,of how you’ve spoken to him in the past if your not happy find another gardener.

Good grief...that’s not what the OP is saying at all!! She’s employed this person to do a job...in her home. She’s entitled to feel safe. Not have aggressive and disrespectful mouthing off.

We have gardeners to do trees, and if they behaved as this one has, they wouldn’t be coming back.

I am amazed at so many of the responses, is the OP really supposed to accept this behaviour?

She has been kind and accepting but treated in an unfair and aggressive way ,this man has ignored her requests and had the temerity to get angry about her dog on her property.

There is no excuse, he is rude and aggressive.

The problem the OP has is that I think she lives in a rural area and it’s difficult to find someone willing to do gardening. She might feel inclined to continue using this man even though he offended her as it’s not going to be easy to find a replacement.

I suggest you give him another chance, ignore your feelings following your text and give him the benefit of the doubt. If he behaves in an appropriate way on his next visit, then try to forget about this incident, but do try to keep your dogs out of his way. If his behaviour is still inappropriate, then you have to decide whether you tell him not to return but risk not finding anyone else to help you in the garden or put up with his slightly odd attitude.

I’m not sure what I would do to be honest.

Has he expressed annoyance about the dog before this incident?

No no no! You should not put up with this bad behaviour.
Rewild the garden if necessary. It's very good for the environment.
At the Edinburgh Botanics there is now a large area devoted to the wild ness cause. You wouldn't know at first glance as it just looks neglected but they have put up an information board.
I left half my grass to become a meadow last Summer and I was very pleased with it. It was full of orchids and butterflies. I mowed around it, to give it an edge and I have rid myself of the big heavy macho mower and bought a nice lightweight battery one.

There are a lot of "Boys' toys" in the world which on closer inspection are just heavy and need strength but there are often alternatives.

I also made a non dig garden for the potatoes. I followed Charles Dowding and am very pleased with the results.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LH6-w57Slw

The bottom line is that you need help with the garden. Don’t lose sight of that.

Bear in mind you only found him “with great difficulty”.