If she wants to be near the sea maybe sheltered living would work well for her.
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Care & carers
Reluctant carers, should I interfere and insist NOK step up to support?
(38 Posts)Aged 70 (a decade ago) my SIL decided to move away from her daughter and friends to live near us (because she had always wanted to live by the seaside). The move was prompted by the death of her chronically unwell husband whom she had cared for for the previous decade.
During the period that SIL was caring for her husband my DH and I supported and cared for their parents (we did not expect any input from SIL as she had enough to do looking after her husband) and then my Dad.
We tried to talk her out of moving as we feared her own ill health would mean we would end up caring for her further down the line. It may sound callous but we did not want to do this again, especially as she would be deliberately moving away from her daughter and an already established support network of friends.
We had a frank discussion with her and her adult children explaining such. We offered SIL an alternative solution by coming to stay in our annexe (which had been purpose built and lived in by first her parents and then my Dad) for prolonged periods of time where she could do her own thing. She declined, because (you guessed it...) she had always wanted to live by the seaside.
So here we are, 10 years down the line and SIL is in extremely poor health. This hasn't been a sudden thing but recently things got much worse. Apart from rushing to her bedside when advised that she may not survive the night her children have not visited since she has been discharged home. Separate visits from each of them had been arranged but excuses (in one instance an outright fib) were made at the last minute and neither of them came.
My husband had a heart attack last year and does not need the added stress of looking after his sister. Both of us have been good at maintaining boundaries with her, insisting that she contacts her children first if she is unwell and not relying on us. Currently she has carers coming in twice a day which has been arranged by the hospital. This arrangement will end after four weeks.
Whilst in hospital she agreed to self fund onward care from that point but I know that she does have the motivation to make these arrangements by herself. Her children need to step up and help sort this out but I fear it is very much a case of 'out of sight, out of mind' regarding their Mum.
During her hospital admission and stay my DH and I were on a city break in Europe, so we did not have the opportunity to speak to her children face to face. All our communication with them as been by phone or text.
In my head I want to speak to them both at the same time and have another frank discussion with them. I want to do this quietly and discreetly, without my husband knowing.
Speaking to them both at the same time is going to be impossible but I could include them in a joint text. The problem with that is tone and nuance is often lost and its also impersonal.
I'm not a confrontational person and will avoid it at all costs but this is making me angry. I want to say my piece without appointing any blame.
The question is should I or shouldn't I interfere? I fear this move may create a falling out between her children and us.
Thanks again everyone. SIL has a brittle personality! Generally manages to rub people up the wrong way and can alienate herself very quickly in social situations. So hasn't made many friends, or at least any that are willing to help.
I'm afraid I snapped at her the other day, suggesting she could be asking her children to do more. Very insightfully she said 'unfortunately I seem to have brought my children up with too much freedom to do what they like, when they like and with no consideration for others..................' Couldn't have said it better myself!!
Hope I won’t be thought badly off but I need to off load my husband has always been the strong capable one takes care of everything kind of man a good provider generous we don’t have children but we did have dogs budgies cats I was able to stay home and give them all a wonderful life and do work volunteering at animal charities however he got cancer and now I’m having to be his carer I do absolutely everything cooking cleaning shopping diy the garden accompanying to every appointment his dressings his medication I don’t drive so can’t escape I feel so weak and ashamed that I feel so anxious and resentful im disappointed in myself that I hate being a carer even though I love him very much and keep it well hidden I just want our life back disgraceful rant over
You should start a new thread Astrastar as you’ve tagged onto one from last year and haven’t received any replies.
Is your sister in law getting on ok with the carers?
If necessary, the arrangement can be carried on, without any break, but perhaps an increase in the calls.
Is she agrees, of course.
It sounds as if she needs more of a home help type arrangement, though.
Then perhaps you might feel up to just checking in with her once or twice a week, by phone (hopefully!)
You need to be VERY clear just what you can do and what is too much, and stick to your guns. She has capacity to manage her own life, and money to pay, and you have your own commitments.
Hold a Zoom/Facetime meeting with her family and explain this. There are some good suggestions on this thread that you can make to them, but it is up to them to set them in motion.
Don't get involved in organising her pills regularly for her - my 90 year-old aunt receives loaded dosettes delivered weekly from the pharmacist, free, ever since we realised that she had several half-finished packs of each medication and was confused about whether she had taken the right tablet for that day of the week because each pack had stopped at a different day. The family need to contact the GP and the pharmacy and state their concerns.
She could do her shopping online, and pay regular bills by DD or SO, and irregular ones by bank transfer, Again, it is her family who need to talk to her about this and help her set up any arrangements.
This is an old thread.
I've just realised that. It isn't very old, though, and the situation may still be ongoing.
Re dosette boxes, there is a link here - online-pharmacy4u.co.uk/blogs/news/blister-packs-nomad-packs-dossett-boxes-trays
Old, but relevant.
I use pharmacy4U, and I didn't know they do blister packs.
Thanks Elegran 
You have done your best and the children are imposing on you , by just expecting you to be there all the time. So my suggestion is that firstly you do go away for a couple of weeks somewhere and have a break for yourselves. But do not state a day when you will be back and then also state that you will be away or out for various days for different things and that you are letting them know as you wont be available. Take up a course or two - september is the date that many courses start, and just look at what might interest you both . It might lead you into something new you would enjoy. But the point of it would be just to make it very clear that you are not available any longer to be relied upon. You have your husbands health and your own to think of, and as they clearly dont care much about their mothers , they certainly wont be any asistance to you so however hard it seems , I think you have to get back to the priority of looking after your own health now. It is sad but she chose to move even when you put the points about being on her own there. You need to keep this up for some time as if you begin to do many things for her then the children will continue in their selfish ways and leave it to you.
How does the pharmacy4U work when you are with a dispensing practice? - does anyone know?
The children probably know that you have done all that caring for past relatives, & expect it for their mother, don’t be emotionally blackmailed in to caring for her.
Do a zoom call with sil & children & explain that you aren’t up to caring for any more relatives. Time to put your feet up, if you able. Good luck
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