MiL wants to go to care home. We don’t think she’s ready.

A lot of care homes allow potential residents to go for a day, have lunch etc to get an idea what it would be like to be there full time. We did this one a day a week for several weeks with my step dad.

It might be an idea to look into this so your m.i.l. will at least have some idea what life could be like. I understand your concerns cloudscape but perhaps she isn't coping as well as she appears to be.

Maybe she wants to make the decision herself and not land you with all the decisions? This way she would be able to choose for herself - go and see a few before making a decision. Moving to sheltered accommodation may be better just now but if she did need care in the future she would have to move again?

Is there any kind of supported housing nearby that might be suitable?

I moved at 66 into a small retirement complex.

Own flat. Lunch included in the rent, for companionship and nutrition.

Not mùch in the way of organized activities (thank goodness) but plenty of opportunity for social interaction.

See if she can spend a month in a suitable one then she can decide if that's for her?

By us there are places that are like hotel complexes with a variety of different housing, care on site if needed but there are also a couple of restaurants, communal meeting places, lots going on, a cinema. I wouldn;t mind living there myself!

There are other options that provide self contained accommodation in small flats but with care on the premises in case of need. It allows for social mixing in safety.
In this area think it’s Extra care, sheltered housing may no longer have wardens so need to check.
A couple of days in day care could be an option people are picked up and taken home after a day of activity and lunch in the company of others.
It’s a big step from
Independent living to a care home.

Sounds like your mother in law is eminently capable of making her own decisions cloudscape.

I think a trial of a couple of weeks would be a good idea and I think your MiL deserves to be treated as if she knows what she wants. It would be disrespectful not to do her that justice.

A retirement village with her own accommodation and social activities if she want to join in may be the compromise your Mother in Law needs.

What a sensible lady! It sounds like she realises she is getting less able and wants to make the move now rather than when she has no option and would feel less able to cope with the change. My dad's carehome was wonderful with lots of different clubs and he could use the resident's kitchen to make drinks etc . If she has little social interaction now who is she having serious discussions about books etc with ? If she has particular friends she likes chatting with they will able to visit her in the carehome or there is no reason why she couldn't get a taxi to take her out to visit people

'she’s adamant that she wants to go to a care home'

so that is her choice entirely, and to be 100% respected, surely.

Will the nice home allow for a 2 week respite to see if she wants to go and live there permanently.

there are some care villages now which offer a range of care. I doubt she'll get state funding though if that is needed and they are soooo expensive. I think people loose cognitive and physical skills the less they do so I think you're right to discourage her. Maybe some sort of day care provision would help though? then maybe she could invite people to see her.

Thanks for all the helpful comments particularly the suggestions about a trial stay.
To those concerned that we are intending not to respect her wishes that’s absolutely not the case . As I said we’re perplexed and are trying to understand her reasoning, not disrespect her wishes. We’re just worried.

Baggs

I think a trial of a couple of weeks would be a good idea and I think your MiL deserves to be treated as if she knows what she wants. It would be disrespectful not to do her that justice.

Indeed.

We intend to select our care, when and as needed in our opinions - we know what we're about far better than our daughters.

A friend's dad went to a care home after hospitalization for a fortnight. Went home, but he'd liked it so much, he sold up and went back.
Can she do a fortnight in the best one?

Thanks Norah. Feel thoroughly told off now 😔

Most people are desperately trying to get the elders into homes while they are kicking and screaming not to go this time the
lady who is fully capable would like to go into one I think it would be a big mistake to think she doesn’t know best
You say she s starting to find it a bit more difficult to go to her meetings and at 92 that will escalate quickly
Please don’t think there wnt be anyone in the home able to debate politically with her or chat about books there will be all sorts of folks there just like outside. Most homes do not lock the residents in they are normally free to come and go, on their own if able or with family if not.
Most homes do do a two week trial they don’t want unhappy residents either
Good luck I think you are very lucky that your mum in law can and has made her own decision

cloudscape

Thanks Norah. Feel thoroughly told off now 😔

No intention to 'tell off' - attempted pointing to the other side. We do know what is available when we need care.

A 2 week stay is a brilliant idea. See what fits.

Fleurpepper

'she’s adamant that she wants to go to a care home'

so that is her choice entirely, and to be 100% respected, surely.

It's her life, her choice.

the problem of moving into supported accommodation is simple; unless it's within a complex that includes a full care facility, there may have to be another move, and not at a time she may not have the choices and capabilities she has now, sometimes in an emergency.

it depends very much on the care home as to whether there are other residents who are able to relate to others or are all in end of life/dementia situations.

Your MIL sounds like a totally compos mentis, active adult who is certainly more than capable of making her own decisions, for her own reasons. Let her do so. How would you feel if you were making a decision about changing your own living arrangements and she told you that "you were not ready"? Annoyed at the patronising interference? I would be.

Am really really not trying to say that she doesn’t know best just looking for some insight about how a 92 yo might be viewing the prospect of supported accommodation v care home and why she’s making that choice. At the moment the reason “I don’t want to move house” isn’t making a great deal of sense to us. We are respecting her opinion and always have.

I give up.

cloudscape

Thanks for all the helpful comments particularly the suggestions about a trial stay.
To those concerned that we are intending not to respect her wishes that’s absolutely not the case . As I said we’re perplexed and are trying to understand her reasoning, not disrespect her wishes. We’re just worried.

So sorry cloudscape, my post was never meant to be critical- just to say that, it is her choice. So refreshing in many ways, as we have witnessed so many older people in tears, begging us to help, because their family want to put them in a care home, kicking and screaming and totally against their wishes.

So I think it is wonderful she has made a choice and wants to stick to it. At 92, it is wonderful.