my dad

nanachrissy A loving father...ongoing peaceful memories.
nellie and granbunnycomforting (hugs)

Thanks all, I'll be glad when it's Saturday.

Hi When glad you're back

my dad went to the doctor on monday to try to get some help for mum. the doctor would not listen at all about mum, but took a sample of my dad's blood, and wants him in tomorrow about the results. dad is really scared. i tried to reassure him.

Oh dear, granbunny. It looks as though you're going to be in for an even more difficult time if your dad now has medical problems too. I expect you'll be at work and unable to go with him, so is there someone else who can accompany your dad to his appointment so that you will have a clear and accurate understanding of what is being said? It's often difficult for people to properly take in what a GP says when they're feeling anxious.
Whatever the outcome of this, it is important to keep on trying to get some help with your mum. Perhaps you can write to the GP?

there's only my daughter at home and she is all at sea with having been so ill and having the baby... i'll contact my brother, grannyactivist, thank you for the idea. dad and brother are going together to ageUK about mum. i'm going to try to write to the psychiatrist. i've done it before so it shouldn't come as a surprise!
thank you for your post

i sent a text to brother explaining. he's just phoned and will ring dad tomorrow to see if he can accompany him.

result, grannyactivist! brother doesn't do this family stuff, so i'm totally impressed with both him and you.

grannyactivist, you are a decent sort!

gb just read your posts

There you are granbunny ...they say a trouble shared is a trouble halved...
but, your earlier post would suggest that your family's concerns over your mother didn't get shared with the GP?? perhaps you might need to try to see them about her, while your brother supports your father? Just a thought

You will get a better picture as to what is happening after your Dads appointment granbunny

i'm going to the boss, jacey, i'm going to write to the psychiatrist. its all such an issue because my dad went against them to reduce mum's medication, which worked, and my mum can't go to appointments because the ambulances won't take her due to her physical health problems, though sometimes nurses come to the house... all such a worry!

granbunny - good news about your brother.
Don't forget to take care of yourself, too. You will undoubtedly be affected by the stress of caring for your daughter and your parents.

Thinking of you granbunny and hoping the news from GP isn't too bad.

hello thank you for your thoughts. i've been out until now - work, then babysitting the little grandaughter while her mummy went to choir practice and her daddy went out with the nct daddies. a treat for me!

brother went in with dad today. B12 deficiency and kidneys not working, but the gp couldn't think why they wouldn't, as dad does not have any other indications. so, he'll be seeing a specialist fairly soon. brother will go with him. someone will have to look after mum. i'm hoping the appointment chances to be in the school holidays. fingers crossed.

granbunny Good wishes and I hope that your father will get the treatment he needs and will make a swift recovery.

thank you, soop

Granb Hope all goes well

granbunny kidney disease can be treated very effectively if it's caught in the early stages. Just so you have a better understanding here's a useful link. Hope this problem with your dad leads to you getting some help for your mum.

thank you for the link, grannyactivist, and for the positive wishes, nanachrissy.

Oh how I understand your problem granbunny. When my father-in-law was taken ill several years ago we did actually move into his home to care for him. My SIL was the golden child who did sweet b all. We were younger then and we had been told he would only live 3 months.

After 6 months we had become so entrenched but I had a row with my mother-in-law who was not the nicest person in the world. I made up my mind that I needed help as I had become a fulltime carer. What we did to ease the problem was advertise in the local paper for a qualified nurse or someone in nursing profession. We were surprised at the response. We actually hired a lovely girl who was training to become a nurse but she wanted a little extra money, like we all do. Her duties were very light, it was basically to give me time to get out of the house before I burnt it down. It worked like a dream and it did'nt cost as much as going trough agencies. If your dad can afford it, if he can't then he should be asking for help, give it a try. I think all he probably wants is an hour or two a week to do what he wants without thinking of his woes. Mary Poppins would be nice but that's going too far. Good luck and never feel guilty!

thank you, POGS .

i suspect my dad is very worried about money. my mum says the house is only warm when they are expecting visitors! in theory he should have enough money to spend on help but i don't think he will do it - though perhaps he will have to, soon.

and my mother has a vice-like grip on everything he does, he daren't step out of line. he wouldn't be allowed to have a woman in the house. only a few weeks ago, she accused me of visiting because, she claimed, i 'wanted to have a relationship' with my father! she had kept that up with him for a couple of months before she confronted me with it. it upset my dad a lot. i laughed at her and told her she had to have the relationship with my dad, that was her job, and she hasn't mentioned it to me since.

before the cutbacks due to the economic crisis, a visitor came to the house for an hour a week. it wasn't perfect because she was always off work ill, but when she did turn up, my dad had chance to nip out for errands mid-week. and in the glory days, a few years ago, two workers came fortnightly and took my mum out to lunch! when my dad cut back her medication, mother was able to speak more clearly, and that level of care was withdrawn.

i have read the linked document, grannyactivist. i will try to find out from my dad some of the details of his test results. i hope his case isn't serious - i suppose we will know by how fast they get him into hospital for more tests- having the blood tests back in 24 hours when he expected a ten-day turnaround was a bit worrying.

posting here has made me realise how much time i already spend with my parents, despite being estranged, so i'll try not to feel guilty. i think when (it seems like when, not if) my mum goes into a home, i will feel bad about it. on the other hand, we may not find a place willing to take her, with her physical and mental issues combined! then what?

not a problem i can solve tonight.

thank you, again.

granbunny I have only just read this thread and I feel so much for you, your mum and your dad.
Ive had my share of looking after parents and its not easy is it.
_Get all the help you can_, its important that you look after yourself, you have own family that needs you.
Its good to see that Gransnet has been a huge help for you (not a bad bunch are they ) . Keep posting on here it helps to cope with things if you know that someone will be there with a few words of wisdom and comfort

grabunny no real pearls of wisdom just a big hug

thank you, nelliedeane and annika! yes, gransnetters have been lovely and full of good, practical suggestions.

dad has his appointment with the consultant in the renal unit on may 14. that's fast. not a good sign, but efficient. if he has to go into hospital, i can't see a way to avoid my mum going into a home of some kind. if i take carer's leave i won't be paid and my world would fall apart within a month - i live on the knife-edge! my brother says he's willing to do the caring (! a bit astounding as he doesn't even visit regularly, or hasn't over the years. he's a bit better at that, now) but he can't be in two places at once and someone will have to go with dad to the hospital. oh dear.

still, we don't know what will be said on the 14th, or as a result of that visit, so better not worry in advance.

is there someone from adult social services who could go with dad as an advocate,and who could organise respite care in the home with mum so she is not disrupted in her routine there is a service called PALS in hospitals which I believe run a similar system to the Almoners service to make sure patients worries where alleviated prior to their treatment.Age concern have volunteers who befriend older people an part of their role may provide advocacy and also have come up against similar circumstances and they may be able to help or signpost you to some help and support as a family...wish I could wave my magic wand xxxxxxxxx

Unfortunately granbunny we all worry in advance ...crossing bridges/counting chickens.

As others have said ...be honest with all the professionals you see re-needs of your mother and how that has impacted on your father...and take all the support that is on offer from NHS etc.

Just don't spread yourself too thinly