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"Modern mums have lost the plot"

(83 Posts)
Grannyknot Wed 27-Apr-16 19:50:04

This article is refreshing - (I am surrounded by first time mothers in my life at present). My young neighbour had a melt-down rant to me the other day about the temerity of the bus driver who wouldn't let her get on the bus unless she folded her pushchair (the bus was full). Another friend who runs a cafe says she dreads the "buggy brigade" coming in en masse because they're "quite demanding"...

granjura Wed 27-Apr-16 20:16:42

Yep- and ahve you seen the size of buggies these days!?!

Jalima Wed 27-Apr-16 20:28:53

They rule the world!

They are mothers!

However, I walked with my large Silver Cross pram and used a folded up McLaren buggy on the bus. In those days we knew our place.

Iam64 Wed 27-Apr-16 20:33:43

I'm surrounded by young mothers and their babies currently as well and enjoying it. I suspect most young mothers are like the ones I know, doing much as mothers have done since the beginning of time - the best they can. There is so much conflicting but definite advice for young mothers, I'm relieved I'm not one of them . Breast feed to 6 months, don't give formal, don't start solids - it's the law
Never ever co sleep, or swaddle your baby or the baby will be high risk of cot death - it's another law
Don't use disposable nappies because you'll wreck the environment
From the period when you're hoping to get pregnant until your baby is 18 (I exaggerate) never drink caffeine or alcohol, don't each soft cheese, more than one portion of tuna a week etc etc etc
Never leave your baby to cry itself to sleep
Always leave your baby to cry itself to sleep
Never have the baby sleep in your room
Always etc you get the picture.

I am not dismissing the need for safe sleeping or for sensible feeding/routines etc. The telegraph article is ok and the nanny who is its focus sounds smashing but honestly, I dislike the way successive generations tend to sneer at or look down on young mothers. those of us who were blessed with children have been young ,first time mothers. Have we forgotten how hard it was at times and was a steep learning curve. I haven't.

Jalima Wed 27-Apr-16 20:39:11

It's a wonder mankind (and womankind) has survived!

pompa Wed 27-Apr-16 21:04:22

I am truly amazed that our two children survived our childcare.

Indinana Wed 27-Apr-16 21:29:41

My DD has a big buggy - a wheel base with two tops: a carry cot/pram and a buggy/pushchair. The pram top was for when the baby was young, but as she grew, and liked to sit up and see the world, the buggy top was used. Either combo, with pram or pushchair top, is nothing like as big as the coach built prams we had for our children!
She is a single mum who doesn't drive, so she does a lot of walking with her baby and dog, frequently walking the two miles to our house. A small fold-up buggy, with flimsy plastic wheels, would last no time at all, and would be an uncomfortable ride for the baby on long walks. So she has no choice, really. She has to have a buggy that is strong, with suspension and large rubber tyred wheels, that will hopefully last the 2-3 years that she will need it. She cannot afford to keep replacing it.
And as she lives in a tiny house, where every inch of space is needed for the essentials of living, she quite literally does not have the room to keep an additional, lightweight buggy for bus journeys! And yes, she has been upset on more than one occasion when told there's no room for her buggy unless folded. Impossible to hold a wriggling 10 month old, and a heavy shopping bag, while trying to fold and manhandle a large buggy onto the bus - and there's never any move on the part of the driver to help her! So she knows that if the spaces for buggies are all taken, then there's nothing she can do but wait for the next bus. Sometimes in the pouring rain and with a baby who needs feeding, and a dog waiting at home that probably needs to go in the garden.
So I do have some sympathy for your neighbour's rant Grannyknot. It really isn't easy if you don't have a car these days.

NotTooOld Wed 27-Apr-16 22:30:25

Rachel Waddilove sounds like a sensible person to me. Tin gods are a nightmare.

Marmark1 Thu 28-Apr-16 07:54:18

I think most parents have got it right,I've met one or two so called tin gods,( not nice). It's usually the single mothers on our bus who think they own it.

Anya Thu 28-Apr-16 08:24:09

hmm not sure about putting babies to sleep on their sides. The SIDS charities have spent millions pushing the 'Back to Sleep' message and cot deaths have been reduced by 50% since this message got across. But they also push the message that it is dangerous to sleep with your baby in your bed.

A bit of common sense on both sides would go a long way.

These big buggies are designed for walking (as Indiana's daughter does). If someone has walked their baby to the shop/cafe/etc then fine, and many of these cafes would have less business without the buggy brigade at off peak times.

Where there is an element of truth is that some of today's parents and bringing their children up with a sense of entitlement which is unrealistic and they are in for a shock when they have to live in the real world.

Falconbird Thu 28-Apr-16 08:47:52

We bought our children up in the 70s and 80s with the general idea that if you fed them well, took them to various activities, found a decent sort of school,
and let them play outside for hours(not possible these days) they would grow and thrive.

In my son and daugher-in-law's house there are so many rules that the mind boggles.

My grandson asked me what the rules were in my flat to which I replied.
"Be kind and considerate."
I will probably get into trouble if this gets back to mum and dad. smile

I have envy for the mums and their buggies. I remember a driver saying to me when I tried to get a huge double pushchair (folded down) onto a bus.

"You're not getting on this bus with that thing!!!"

I do have sympathy for mums today but I've done the walking in the pouring rain, with three children and a dog with all my shopping underneath the pram/pushchair but I rarely complained. Life today is very car centered but back then it wasn't so we were all in the same boat so to speak.

Nelliemoser Thu 28-Apr-16 08:48:46

My daughter discovered the art of slings and baby wearing when DGS1 was about 6 mnths and has used several different types from the start with DGS2. Her hands are free to hold the toddler's hand and its easier to get on and off buses etc.
Dad takes the two little boys to nursery on the bus with Dgs2 in a sling and has a hand free for #1.

Yes! In general I think a lot of younger people in general seem to think the world is only for them, in a way we never did.
Some of those buggies are huge, the equivalent of those 4x4 vehicles.

Teetime Thu 28-Apr-16 08:59:59

We don't have any new babies in the family at the moment although I suspect they are not too far away (grandchildren getting married now). However my hairdressers daughter came in with her four week old the other day and she was terrified of everything she was doing with her baby having received so much conflicting advice. I said what I said to my own daughter ' let your maternal instinct and your growing knowledge of the baby guide you'. My own daughter rather than take my advice slavishly followed Gina Fords Contented Little Baby and had anything but and although I love him to bits at nearly 12 he is a little tin god.hmm

Anniebach Thu 28-Apr-16 09:45:02

Why does every generation criticise the younger generation - in my day we didn't do this/do that etc.

Jenty61 Thu 28-Apr-16 09:52:13

times have moved on surely as long as the babies are doing well does it really matter how mums today are bringing up their children!

Luckygirl Thu 28-Apr-16 10:11:32

On the subject of sleeping babes on their back, I can only say that when mine were little the advice was to sleep them on their fronts to prevent them from choking. This was brought home to me when my youngest was just 24 hours old - somehow she rolled onto her back (heaven knows how!) while I was off in the loo. When I came back she was on her back, blue and gasping as she had inhaled vomit. I grabbed her from the cot, turned her upside down and hit her on the back, whilst shouting for my OH who is a doctor. He dealt with her and we had a long discussion with his paediatric colleague and decided to keep her at home with one of us observing carefully for the next 24 hours. She was fine in the end but I shudder to think what might have happened if I had been taking a bath for instance.

I found it very hard when my GC were laid on their backs as babies. I just had to grit my teeth. But my two oldest DDs fund it hard too as they had been old enough to remember what happened to their little sister and they can remember me shouting for some help.

I do not dispute the findings of the cot death researchers, but it is hard not to feel instinctively that this is counter-intuitive.

Indinana Thu 28-Apr-16 10:18:32

Anniebach hear hear. Yes, in my day we did things differently. Doesn't mean those ways were better confused.

It's usually the single mothers on our bus who think they own it. How do you know they're single Marmark?

Granarchist Thu 28-Apr-16 11:28:07

My DD was in a frog splint for CDH at birth - so impossible to lie on her side. One doctor told me if I put her on her back she would choke and another said if I laid her face down she would suffocate. Very helpful to a first time mother. I still think maternal instinct is the best guide and all my DDs have been able to ask advice and take it from people they trust. There are so many people out there with conflicting views and new mothers are so vulnerable.

Anya Thu 28-Apr-16 13:28:25

I suspect your DD was born a a time when advice was to lie babies or their side or back Granarchist - that was certainly the advice given to me. But since then hard evidence has accumulated that this is not the best option.

Statistics back this up - as shown by the dramatic drop in SIDS since the 'Back to Sleep' campaign. There are adults walking around nowadays who are completely unaware they could have been another sad statistic.

Grannyknot Thu 28-Apr-16 13:32:54

Pompa same here. I always say my children thrived despite me, not because of me.

I had my fair share of pushing prams and bus trips and crying babies. In fact I remember on one occasion when my youngest fell as we were getting off the bus and started crying (she had skinned her knee), and her brother (18 months older) started up too in sympathy, bursting into tears myself at the prospect of our outing being ruined. So we were all 3 crying grin

I happily took advice from my mother and my MIL, I was grateful for their input. Don't know what I'd have done without them.

Jalima Thu 28-Apr-16 14:46:20

I must say I like to see small babies lying flat, either in a pram or good-sized padded pushchair, rather than hunched up in the car-seat type that clip on to a base.

NotTooOld Thu 28-Apr-16 15:09:28

My son would only ever sleep on his front as a baby. He's 46 now - and says he's an insomniac.

Jalima Thu 28-Apr-16 15:18:15

DD1 slept on her front - the advice of the HV at the time (advice which was constantly reiterated and reinforced to all us new mothers). She hated it.
DS slept on his back (a very hot summer, it would not have been wise to put him on his tummy in that heat)
DD2 was put on her side with a rolled up blanket behind her (advice of the HV) but constantly wriggled until she was on her back.

LullyDully Thu 28-Apr-16 16:41:18

You can only ever do what you think is right. I slept mine on their tummies, to get the wind up I was told. My dil are amazed my boys survived. So am I, if advice has changed. confused

Also mine swam as babies due to living in the tropics. Dil thinks I am using rose coloured, surely not!!!!!

Badenkate Thu 28-Apr-16 17:11:58

No matter how I laid them, my DC wriggled round to sleep just how they wanted from a very early age. I was on my own apart from several young mothers who lived close to me, no DM or DMIL anywhere around, but I was a fairly self-reliant 29 year old by the time I had my first DS and felt that he and I knew what was best for him.
I was lucky in that I almost always had use of a car, but certainly when my DC were able to walk well, I rarely took a pushchair when we went out - and younger DS absolutely refused to go in a pushchair as soon as he could walk. I do wonder why 4 and 5 year olds seem to be plonked in a pushchair instead of getting some exercise. I know it takes longer to get anywhere but still...
I also wonder if young parents should be taught how to say 'No' properly wink. Children are like dogs - they can read a lot into how things are said. Anything other than a flat 'No' with no upward intonation means 'I'm not really convinced about this!'. Elder DS learnt this well, and DGC know that if dad or grandma say 'No' then they mean it.