Time for another great Gransnet story!

"Where I bin waiting for ages for a plane to Alicante. But all that appeared was a number 9 bus going to....

Nether Wapping" So she hopped on board and hoped no one would notice that she was transgender. On the bus she fixed her make up and

discreetly eased her size 10 feet out of her size 9 Manolo Blahnik crimson stilettos. They had been 50% off in the sale, she couldn’t resist them, but, by heck, they did pinch her little toe!

But surely Luton Airport has closed down its flights so how did you really waft in? Was it on a gossamer feather or a

hitch-hike on the back of Tinkerbell from Neverland, but she was in a foul mood and said

"I'm on the F***ing bus to Nether Wallop. My feet hurt. I need a manicure. My hair needs cutting and wouldn't mind having a facial. But everything is shut. I have no idea where my next loo roll is coming from" But even as she spoke the bus came to a stop and a masked policeman boarded it

‘Your money or your life he demanded’ , this was no Dixon of Dock Green ! This was the phantom loo roll snatcher of Upper Wallop, failing loo rolls he is quite partial to money or jewels.
She picked up her haaaaaandbag and smacked him around the head’ im in no mood for this ‘ she yelled.
The bus driver turned to her and said.......

“For heaven’s sake, you’re going to get us killed! Give him your damn handbag, it doesn’t even match those ridiculous shoes!

Leave my Jimmy choos alone they cost me a pretty penny I'll have you know.she shrieked at the copper.

‘They’re not Jimmy Choos, they’re Manolo Blahnik, anyone can see that” yelled the copper.
“I’m arresting you on suspicion of wearing stolen designer shoes, plus they don’t even fit properly”.

"Arrest me then!" she laughed, "and if you do I will clobber you with my Manolo Blahnik in a very delicate place!" And with that she

shoved the copper off the bus and yelled at the driver "Drive, you numbskull and never mind Nether Wallop we're going to

Either Downton Abbey or Belgravia, whichever is nearer.

But the driver was incensed about being called a numbskull and said "I aint taking no instructions from you Miss, and I'll thank you to kindly get off my bus this instant or we will sit here all day, Jimmy Choos or MB I don't care." He got out his pack of cheese sandwiches and began to eat them, laughing at his power. The other passengers began to mutter amongst themselves and

decided to hijack the bus, using the climax of the Dirty Harry film as a template, hopefully without having to resort to any of the violence however.

Sobbing our hero collapsed into the nearest seat as the bus careered through the countryside. "I just wanted to visit my dad" she sobbed. "It's his 78th birthday today and I'd planned such a party. That's why I got these shoes."

“But you’re not allowed to visit him at the moment, we’re in Lockdown! Or haven’t you heard? Who is your dad anyway? Why, it doesn’t matter if he’s an MP, or even if he was an MP once, you have to Stay at Home!!!!

"My dad is Prince Philip," she replied. "Cant be," said the driver "He's 98, but he thinks he is only 78." she replied.
Anyway the driver changed course so they could go to Windsor Castle, where Prince P and the Queen were in lockdown. Prince P was suffering with his memory and was eating a lot of stewed plums and custard to keep himself young and fit so as to

keep chasing the house maids around the billiards table (although they could now all out run him and only kept doing it because he tipped them a tenner each time). "What do you want?" he demanded with his usual lack of charm "You look like the Wicked Witch of the West in those shoes."
"Well," she began

“I’m looking for the Yellow Brick Road. Who are you, are you the Scarecrow, or the Tin Man?”

"I'm the one with no heart" he sneered, "And you'd better get out of here before I

"shove you off your Manolo Blahnik's and leave you on the patio like a bit of roadkill"
"But you are my pa!" she protested. Ignoring her the Prince just contnued loadng his gun..

and pointing it at her demanded she give him the Manilo Blahnik's. I have been looking for a pair of these he said putting them on then he...

Strutted his stuff across the highland moors. Wobbling little on his Stillies he got caught in a trip wire intended for a poor unfortunate ....

poacher, and as he toppled to the ground, his shotgun went off....