Time for another great Gransnet story!

Before he knew what was happening, she was upon him,

You are mine at last, she shrieked!

Suddenly the door burst open with a sound of splintering wood. Outlined against the bight light was

Her twin sister!

He’s mine she cried, I saw him first, she flew at her sister, as she did so , he made a break for it and ran out of the door, trying not to trip over his big

shopping bag, crammed full with...

96 toilet rolls, some jellied eels, and his favourite triangular shaped mouth organ.

.....,,Toilet rolls ? and ...

He took the mouth organ, gave it a wipe with one of the jellied eels and gave a magnificent rendition of ...

Of 'The laughing policeman'.
Boy, he could make his organ sing!

He then turned to speak to his organ grinder Dom and tickled the monkey under his chin. The monkey not liking this action very much began to ......

sing "The Green Green Grass of Home", very badly, wriggled free of his shackles, stole the grinder's wallet and .........

ran off to but some bananas on which he wrote "You are Loved"

Harry intercepted the banana meant for Meghan as the monkey had not been wearing protective gloves or a mask as she had ordered; he sent it to his brother who ....

immediately threw into the trash as ripe bananas were not his 'thing'. His had to be under-ripe. He was however feeling peckish so wandering down to his usual fish 'n chippy he was disappointed to find a sign on the window, saying.........

Closed for the foreseeable future. Try the Woking pizza place.

As he wasn’t in Woking he decided to go to Sainsburys and join the queue, hoping not to be recognised he waited in line, hunger was piercing his sole, so he took his shoes off.

Suddenly there was a tap on his shoulder

....^Excuse me Sir perhaps Lidl would be more value for you today but you’ll have to be quick the centre aisle is selling out of special buys very fast^ ....

‘Centre Aisle’ thinking quickly our hero realised that this aisle held his favourite colognes and hair colouring, he knew that if his grey roots started to show the ladys wouldn’t be so keen to spend time with him.

However, Lidl was quite a long way away

and by now it was snowing even though it was early Summer. So 'Oho', as Our Hero now liked to call himself, gathered his Best British Baker apron around his rotund torso, pulled up his snow bootees and trudged on with nothing but Lidl on his mind. Suddenly and fortuitously, because his stomach was rumbling there appeared..............

... a giant donut, free wheeling down the street, towering over and frightening the few pedestrians who had ventured out of doors...

The giant donut was intercepted by the bodyguards of Our hero....,yes he had bodyguards who were keeping 2metres away,wearing hazmat suits,....

Or hazmat suits (typo error)

"Stand back" they cried "We need to check this donut for corona virus".
"I'm starving" he protested but they

Ignored him. Then before he could say any more, they grabbed the donut, and started stuffing huge pieces of it into their mouths.
“We have had nothing to eat except dry pasta for days” they cried.

Too late to stop them as they all collapsed from the diabetic sugar intake, or so some thought.

Others noted to the policeman that they had seen too russians throwing something in a trash can.

Another wise one said it's the government they are drastically trying to reduce the next tranche of pension takers...was this the sting in the tail of a waspi?

"Haha!" Our hero laughed, wiping away tears.
"You'll be sorry tomorrow, because...."
With a flourish, he revealed his toilet rolls.. "I have them all! All the rolls in all the land! Hahahaha!"