Time for another great Gransnet story!

But, the policeman pointed out, zis is la belle France and we are not hoarding toilet rolls like zee crazy Ingleesh across La Manche. So what will you do wiz zem all?

The veiled woman had been watching him from a safe distance. "OK" she said, and now you've finished shopping perhaps you have time to walk my St Bernards for me."

This was the last thing he wanted to do, but he was so entranced by the veiled woman that he ...

took the dogs' leads in his hand completely forgetting that he was allergic to dogs. He hadn't taken more than a dozen steps when he sneezed loudly and

next thing he knew, the policemen pounced on him, handcuffed him, dragged him away to a safe social distance, i.e. half a mile away, so he could not see them commandeering the super soft quilted loo rolls.

Just checked in, I’ve been a lurker for ages and definitely now feel totally over awed by the brilliant wit of so many grannies, congratulations ladies, what a laugh I have had!

...the loo rolls were distributed to the old and needy. Meanwhile our hero was conveyed back to the shores of La Manche where he took his place in the queue waiting for the Portsmouth ferry

(Welcome Still.!)

So here he was, queuing for the ferry, no TP in hand and still hingry... but he could smell something delicious...

However The Portsmouth ferry was quarantined so he had to take a trip on the Mersey ferry instead and listen to the strangled voice of Gerry and his pacemakers singing ferry across the Mersey on a continuous loop for 20 mins.......I kid you not.
When he stepped out onto the pier he was greeted by ......

Sorry that should have said Gerry and his Pacemaker, he is getting on a bit
Welcome stilllearning

the Dagenham Girl Pipers, the London Symphony Orchestra and the Tiller Girls, all disobeying instructions to self isolate but using the excuse of a visit to the....

White Cliffs of Dover, where Dame Vera herself was belting out We’ll Meet Again after the quarantine ends,

"Nooo!" he yelled "I can't wait that long" so he pushed her over the cliff and ran off towards

the shepherds hut where the shepherd was shearing his sheepdog with a pair of scissors cos he should have gone to Specsavers. Other opticians are available.
The sheep were quietly grazing when suddenly the sheepdog...

Belted off down the hill, jumping walls and hedges, & swimming across rivers. Our ‘hero’ (I’ve lost track of who he is ?) and the farmer chased after the dog, slipping and sliding all the way, covered in mud and soaked to the skin when, suddenly, they came across a .......

A scarlet unicorn hidden in the bracken. Behind her, carefully hidden, an entire case of look paper!

look paper, as we all know, is the latest eco brand of loo paper.

(calgirl ?) The case also contained 34 tins of baked beans, 16 lettuces, 103 litres of milk. But that's nothing said the unicorn, you should have seen.....

the size of my horn before they started scraping bits off it. Because everyon knows that unicorn horn s the only certain cure for

At that momoent he awoke, realising that, like Bobby Ewing, it had all been a ghastly dream..but the reality was so much worse because....

During his sleep, foxes had built dens all around him and had invited the largest group of Morris dancers ever assembled to perform.

Their leader was Michael Flatley, who flatly refused to Morris Dance, and instead launched into a spirited version of Riverdance.

Much against his will our hero (whoever he is) found his legs beginning to kick and stamp along with the other dancers. "Stop" he cried but Michael and the others simply danced faster

Aghast his partner cried Michael stop you don’t have to be in the river to Riverdance!

I must he cried - for I am not Michael, I am Michaela, and I am a mermaid...