Do you engage differently on gransnet than in real life?

I definitely don't dish out personal insults in real life. I don't dish them out here either but I suppose someone might feel insulted if I disagree with them.

In real life, I don't get the opportunity to discuss as many topics as on here. I suppose I might be less likely to express a dissenting opinion in real life but isn't that part of online discussion - that back and forth? In a real life discussion group that was topic focused I would be more likely to express an opinion, because that's the intention of the group. It's a bit different than general conversation.

I actually find it harder talking on here, than in real life. I rely a lot on body language/ gesticulation etc. Just seeing words can be so cold, no matter what is said. The actual intention gets lost.

I know I avoid many threads now, eg politics/ religion, which I would never do in real life. If you’re sitting round a table with ten people, it’s easier to judge how what they are saying, is meant to be taken, if that makes sense. I find that hard on here, particularly as you don’t really know people. You can only go by how they write. That is not necessarily how they would be face to face.

So, I don’t engage in discussions as such. Mostly because I don’t have the time. I just tend to give one answer to a problem, so my opinion, and don’t very often contribute again, even though I may keep reading the thread.

I think it depends on the tone in which the news is written. Some times people announce the loss of someone close and it is clear that they are reaching out for sympathy and support, but sometimes the news is being given as an adjunct to something else, like 'After my son died, I felt(or did) this', which I would not say anything.

The other thing to remember is that often members are all busy somewhere writing their post and either post their contribution, within seconds of the one with the sad news, or even post 10 ir 15 minutes later and will not have refreshed the site, so will not have read the post with the bad news.

Not really. My opinions are the same wherever I am discussing them. Although to save all out war IRL, I might just disengage from the individual I disagree with in person quicker than I do on GN.

I always end up cutting off people I totally disagree with eventually if I regard them as entrenched bigots. Different if they're up for rational debate, but I'm never tolerant of anyone who discriminates against others (racially, ethnically, sexually, gender/trans, ableness). Doesn't matter if it's in the flesh or online.

And of course many posters only read the OP and then comment, ignoring the rest of the thread.

M0nica

I think it depends on the tone in which the news is written. Some times people announce the loss of someone close and it is clear that they are reaching out for sympathy and support, but sometimes the news is being given as an adjunct to something else, like 'After my son died, I felt(or did) this', which I would not say anything.

The other thing to remember is that often members are all busy somewhere writing their post and either post their contribution, within seconds of the one with the sad news, or even post 10 ir 15 minutes later and will not have refreshed the site, so will not have read the post with the bad news.

I think that's a good approach, Monica. If I mention my deceased child or something about it, it's because it's relevant experience. I don't need condolences or sympathy. It's just a fact of my life I'm sharing. Quite different to a post if I was asking for support or ideas.

I definitely don't dish out personal insults in real life. I don't dish them out here either but I suppose someone might feel insulted if I disagree with them.
I am the same CafeAuLait. I have a tendency

oops
I have a tendency to be witty in real life, but sometimes it can maybe come across as a bit flippant on here to those who don't know me.
I find the flowers symbol [flowers} quite good for expressing sympathy.

I tend to comment more when I've had actual or similar experience of the topic in question. Find I'm on more comfortable on that ground than just airing my opinion. Also agree with Monica regarding the time lag between postings. Can be unfortunate. Can't ever decide whether it's arrogance or sheer laziness that prompts contributors to state that they haven't read the previous posts but go on to comment anyway. They only usually repeat what has been said by someone else many times over.

Pretty much the same, except in real life I stutter and lose my words/train of thought

The difficulty is that there is no set line between what is acceptable or not. It varies from person to person.

I have been disconcerted several times when some one seems to be deeply upset by something I said when all I said was 'So&So I profoundly disagree with you, you should take into account.....' or some such. Others, like me, are more robust and someone would need to be very offensive and personal for us to be, not even upset, but certainly enraged.

However, I do think there are times when you can write in civil terms things you would be careful about saying to someone's face.

An example would be some of the MiL stories we get when possessive mothers (usually) are outraged when a child, usually a son, snips the apron strings. I will usually let the thread run a page or two and then write a 'this is what you are doing and have earned what ever your DS is doing' post. I would never be personally insulting or rude. I would still say what I wrote to the person, but over a conversation of perhaps 30 minutes.

We do often recommend people write a letter when there is a problem

I don't engage in any political threads very often even although in real life our family will debate/ discuss/ become rather heated on the subject. That's a euphemism of course.!
I find on GM some people are not prepared to actually debate but to railroad any opinion not agreeing with their own. Reminds me of the playground, find it crass and childish.

Some people I notice read things into what you type that are not there and don't accept it when you try to explain. It's hard to have a discussion with people who do that and I think it would be harder to do that face to face but not impossible.

Some people, as a friend pointed out recently, think disagreeing with them is the same as bullying them.

I think you have to remind yourself it is (usually) a real person behind their computer screen and they are having a tough time (sometimes) so it is worth acknowledging they be experiencing a range of emotions that we cannot see or even read

Whereas in real life if it was a friend/family member you would know the background and you would pick on other language and expression.

The written word can be very cutting too, even if not intended to be.

Lucca

And of course many posters only read the OP and then comment, ignoring the rest of the thread.

Yes.

Which is fine.

The problem is you cannot second guess things you know nothing about. You get this in threads where the OP reveals on the third page an important fact that completely invalidates everyone's comments up to then.

If you assume someone is experiencing a certain emotion and they are feeling nothing of the kind it can make matters even worse. We have to make decisions about our responses to posts entirely on what is written on the page. We can go no further.

I also have a very zany sense of humour which certainly doesn't transmit at all as well on paper as does a knowing wink and smile in person. I learned very early on here to cut that out (and rightly so!)

It reminds me of Alice in Wonderland who gave her self good advice but seldom took it.

On GN I try to give good moderate advice taking in all the factors concerned. In real life I am not always so temperate with my initial reaction.

I think on GN I have more time to think and sometimes I feel a bit like Miss Marple as to whether I know somebody who has been in a similar position, what they did and whether it worked. In real life I know I am seen as a good listener so I do try to read all the comments unless I come in at page 12!

I also use humour a lot IRL but on GN I have had a couple of instances of offending someone where no offence was intended, so try to be careful. Similar to business emails which I am writing all the time, however not trying to be conversational in those.

M0nica

The problem is you cannot second guess things you know nothing about. You get this in threads where the OP reveals on the third page an important fact that completely invalidates everyone's comments up to then.

If you assume someone is experiencing a certain emotion and they are feeling nothing of the kind it can make matters even worse. We have to make decisions about our responses to posts entirely on what is written on the page. We can go no further.

I agree we can't always know what's going on in a person's life, but I agree with Janejudge that it's important to not forget that the poster you're talking to is a real person, not just a name on a screen.

I'm sure many people come on here as a distraction during times of difficulty or sadness, and being subjected to unwarranted insults or sneering and jeering for simply expressing an innocuous view that some posters don't agree with must cut deep.

Pretty sure I’m poor on here, when I read back I realise my skills at writing are quite poor. My education was limited, my intelligence is not however.

Much better with the written word, I’m no talker. In school I used to be good at writing essays. But as others have said, the written word can be misinterpreted.