Boarding Schools

Sent to boarding school with my twin aged 10. Yonger sister joined us a couple of years later ,Parents were diplomats, would have had 8 or more different schools by aged 18 ..at least, which is why we went to boarding school.Had a very good education but left with huge fury at being separated from parents for so long, saw them 3 holidays a year and not in term time unless they were on leave in the UK..School kept us like a nunnery, locked up, so we perfected the art of deception, the school was so unreasonable.Freedom day girls had was ok but not for boarders.Dorms of 11 and no escape from bullies , and activities featured in the brochure which my parents chose the school for ,closed down..eg Girl Guides..and, as parents broke from cost of fees and getting 3 of us home to where they were, Africa, India,we never signed up for expensive school trips . The school is quite different now from 1966 to 1973/4. The boarding school 'house' you were in made a difference to what boarders experienced I think. We were in what I consider a bleak one...

Boarding schools are not necessarily the main or even one cause for the list of problems posted earlier

That is true and I don't think Nick Duffell is suggesting that with his list. It is just a list of traits that are commonly seen (not necessarily all of them) in people who have been to boarding school. I am sure that other things can cause the same traits as other experiences could have the same impact on a child's development/psychological health I suppose.

Galaxy

I dont think having a dog is an example of anything to be honest, lots and lots of day schools have dogs, I go into many many early years settings with pets. So no those photos would not have any impact on my choice of school.

It was meant a bit tongue in cheek!
Did you know pupils who go to Millfield are allowed to take their horses with them?

I always wanted to go to boarding school. I read the Chalet School books at an early age, I was so disappointed that I couldn't go there.

but left with huge fury at being separated from parents

Evidently huge anger (possibly buried and unacknowledged) is a common trait seen in ex female boarders. (Nick Duffell)

I'm not sure therapy always works out well. It was only CBT but I got tge blame for my oldest daughters depression and anxiety when 50% of the things she blamed me for I had no idea they had happened at all and another 25% her versions were totally different to the rest of the 4 family members. When things happen to you in childhood your perspective is often biased to how you saw something not how it actually was. It's probably different with boarding school. If all the children see their maternal relationship the same it's probably closer to the truth but when 2 out of 3 are happy with their childhood and only the I've with extreme mental issues lays the blame on you (the mother) it hurts that they feel it was all your fault, when you had no idea.

I won a scholarship to a boarding school at 13. Once there I found that the school had been attempting to higher it’s achievement’s by gaining pupils who had the ability to pass exams. Unfortunately the standard of teaching and the lack of facilities meant that my education came to a sudden halt. I hated it. There seemed to be a hierarchy amongst the girls based on their families income and standing in society. Being there as a scholarship girl was like being the runt of the litter. I was fair game to any pupil who felt the need to belittle me. I was invited to join the chess players but after 5 games, was told by a teacher that I should stop winning as it marked me down as an objectionable show off. I left after 2 terms.
During my 20’s and 30’s I often saw my tormentors names in society pages as having drug or alcohol related problems.
The school was closed down 6 years after I left.

That sounds awful Mallin.
I was just wondering if in the past children ever physically ran away from boarding schools? I think I would have done if it were that bad.

I think it must be very difficult to get accurate information on this issue, my mum went to boarding school, if asked she would say it was brilliant and she was certainly escaping things at home. It's hard to pull out what impact boarding school had on her in comparison to what impact her rather distant relationship with her mother had on her.

My dear husband would agree with most of the traits on Nick Duffels list. He was sent away at age 9 and hated every minute and it has had a really negative impact on him and his life ever since. His sense of abandonment was acute. Other Europeans see it as barbaric. ‘Why would you leave your young child to be raised by strangers?’
I would like to see the boarding school system abandoned completely. My husband has attended Nick Duffel’s seminars and has benefitted enormously from them, especially going forward with a really nice group of men who he meets on Zoom every week. The opening sequence of The Making Of Them (BBC doc which you can view on YouTube) is testament to how tragic it is to deprive young children from a protected and loving family life. The shots of a little boy who is trying to stay brave until his parents leave, collapses crying. There has to be a better way of educating our children, people. We are not preparing them to run empires anymore, we don’t have one. Look at the shower leading our country at the moment. Many of them have no idea what it’s like to live in poverty. They are privileged often damaged boys who have never left school, with no concept of ordinary people’s lives and the challenges they face.

Me. Aged ten.

Was horribly homesick. Older sister was at home but I went to school down south (lived in Manchester). It had good bits and bad bits. I don’t think it made me resilient. It was 1973 and I quickly learned to fit in and immediately got rid of my accent.

I left at 17. Went to live in London attending the Upper School. I found it hard to cope with “life on the outside” and dropped out. Took years to get back any self esteem.

I was horribly bullied at boarding school by a very well known and much loved comedienne. Saw her on a quiz show last week and my stomach turned. She was awful to me. Not just me.

No, I wouldn’t send my child to boarding school so young. As a teen, maybe. If they really wanted to go.

I didn't , but my son in law and a female friend did. They are both well organised people, very independent and wise, but both, I feel, carry scars of their time away from their family.

In my son in law's case, he lost his Mum when a baby so he and his brother were packed off as soon as his father could do it. His father is a business man who seems to care for little else but £. At holiday times my son in law often had to stay at the school or was taken home by some of his friend's parents.

Should add… it made me a real “homebod”. I’m nearly 60 now and frankly, still detest “leaving home”.

Yes, my twin brother and I were sent to a boarding school. Awful. I think I was in shock for the first year.

I am married to someone who was a Boarder from the age of 11 following his family tradition. He hated his 1st year (they were not allowed teddy bears after year 1) but, as he got older he had a great education, particularly in music as he hated sport, and was also allowed to keep snakes! He made some good friends whilst there. Disadvantages - not understanding girls, emotionally uptight, sense of entitlement, and exhibits some of the traits that were listed above. I am a product of a Grammar School and also got a good education but had a difficult family situation to return to every day. I think boarding school might have benefitted me!

I went to boarding school at 11 and couldn't wait to get there. My older sister had been there for a few years.
We went as my father was in the forces and moved every 18 - 24 months. As I had already been to 5 primary schools a settled senior education was important. (I would have had 4 senior schools).
It made us all (my brother went at 11 too) very independent much earlier than most children. I know my mother found it hard as we had grown up between holidays. We didn't go home for 1/2 terms, so only had 3 holidays a year with them(they were abroad for the entire time I was at boarding school) - mind you, they were long stretches.
I loved it, my sister hated it and my brother blossomed. Very mixed bag!

Bluebell I totally agree with you. My soon to be ex son in law went to boarding school. He is damaged and openly said his parents were at fault sending him. Now his parents are much older he has precious little to do with them.

I went to a Nuns Boarding School in Spain. My parents were immigrants into this country and boarding school was their way of ensuring I had a chance to a decent education which allowed me to have a better life than theirs. IT WORKED.
I boarded from 13-16, and stayed at the school the year round. It reinforced my independence, and my sense of justice (nuns can be truly petty and vindictive beings). My piano teacher was ADORABLE.
I will forever thank my parents for having had the guts to leave me... we were a happy loving family and now that they have both died more than 10 years ago, I still miss them.,

I was sent to private girls nursery, aged 3, which fed into a private girls school which I attended until aged 10 before boarding school, girls only, to join cousins which probably helped me settle in quickly. I loved my time there and still in touch with friends who boarded with me. DH was also a boarder at a boys school along with siblings and cousins, similarly still in touch with friends made at school.

Quite a coincidence LN, my SiL also attended boarding school in Brisbane where he and our youngest DD have now settled after years of travelling.

I went to a Catholic Boarding School in Dublin when I was 11. I went with one of my friends which made it easier for both of us and we just seem to slot in and we’re very happy there. I came to London when I was 19 and met my DH when I was 23. DH went to boarding school when he was just 7 and was very unhappy but loved his public school.

Our youngest son boarded at his prep school when he was 11 for 2 years and I’m not sure if he was happy there even if he says he was!. It was on the heads advice and it was usual for boys and girls to board for their last 1 or 2 years. I have always regretted it and missed him so much and would get so upset whenever I went into his empty bedroom. Thank goodness we didn’t take the heads advice when we decided not to board our eldest son as he would have hated it. Sometimes we just get it wrong as young parents and some children are just not suited particularly ones like my youngest son who loved being at home. Some of us loved boarding school but it’s not for every child.

It is interesting because many say that they loved boarding school. Nick Duffell's work highlights that even when children love it they may not be aware of the long term impact on their personalities and behaviours, not necessarily negative impacts though in some cases certainly that.

I have been thinking about that in relation to myself and some things that I absolutely identify with are:

*an absolute loathing of saying goodbye to someone I care about, for any expected length of time before I see them again
* a need that I am aware that I have learnt to control to at least some extent, to "get in first/say my piece/say what I think" because of a sense that I have to do that before I am ignored/not listened to/told to be quiet!!
*a lack of self confidence hidden behind a "confident bravado"!

Now I am aware that such traits could be attributed to all sorts of things and many may feel it is just psychobabble nonsense or whatever.

What I do know is that my parents style of parenting was most definitely not ignoring me/telling me to be quiet/not listening ...whereas my boarding experience from the age of 8 certainly had large elements of that in style! The loathing of saying goodbye ...well that one is rather obvious I think to attribute to a BS experience! Developing a confident bravado front - yes I can certainly see links to BS experience in that one as well.

The people I know who went to boarding school all seem to be happy, well-adjusted and independent, but I believe they all started boarding after the age of twelve. I don't know anyone who boarded as a child, and I don't think I could have sent my children away at that age.

Me and my ex hubby thought about sending our two boys to boarding school as they were getting shipped around to different schools while we were in the military. But we changed our minds. My oldest granddaughter was 7 at the time as being in a boarding school for few years while her parents are in military me and her other grandparents would visit her on a weekend and she loved it at first. Then they came back to England and at first she stayed in the school but after covid hit us they decided to put her into local village school and she enjoys coming home every day to her parents. But she loved boarding school because of all the things she did and was taking too. I found the school to be very welcoming and not posh and everyone who looked after her were brilliant.

Yes, I did. As an adult, all in created was a strong, independent woman. Who has always relied on herself and no one else. The drawbacks are numerous, as others have mentioned. LauraNorder is right, we can be a victim, or a victor. Our choice...