Is marriage hard work?

lovebeigecardigans1955 If your are married a long time there are bound to be difficult patches, all sorts of life events can destabilse a relationship for a while. Unemployment, bereavements, difficulties with children, illness, physical and mental. Some people can deal with these thing easily others cannot.

A good marriage is one where you weather these storms because you know deep down inside that these are passing storms and that your trust and determination will carry through.

It’s VERY hard work unless you’re both pulling in the same direction and quite often your very hard work doesn’t pay off and then it’s heart breaking hard work but sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you work you get buried in the mud
Some people seem very lucky in their choices
Often it’s no fault of those that don’t have a good time

Same here Hetty!

An honest and solid partnership can weather the storms when they arrive as they do. The good times in life come and go so there has to be equality and compromise. If you are not on the same page it could be hard work.

I always go back to what my mother told me when I told her we had decided to get married after just 4 months ,She said "dont marry him just because you think you can live with him,marry him because you cant live without him" .

That was exactly how we felt then and how we feel now ,and we still slow dance round the sitting room at 2am regularly 47 years later .

I left home when I got married none of that living in sin stuff ,my parents were old school it wouldn't have happened.Somehow starting out after the wedding made it all a bit more special .Old fashioned but true .

Yes, marriage is hard work.

Well, I've only been married once, and yes, that was blooming hard work!!
But, it takes 2 to make it work (unless you're a bigamist or have a harem, or are in a cult) so 2 should be working at it and not just expecting the other one to do it!!

In my own experience I wouldn't say marriage is or needs "hard work" but like all living and growing things, it needs care and attention.

I think sharing a home with anyone is hard work - from washing up to sharing the cleaning. Having lived in house-shares in my 20s (and watched my children do the same) and lived with my adult DC, it needs give and take. Bluntly put - plenty don't understand give and take. (Btw kids did, ex-husband didn't!)

I often say that, it takes two to tango! Good old give and take but from both sides, not just one partner expected to do all the giving!

Living with people, whether you're married or parenting, is hard work - doesn't mean it's miserable - just takes real effort.

My first husband was bloody hard work. My second - well, so far, so very much better! He wants to make me happy, whereas no 1, not so much.

I find it strange that you say your DD is "supporting" her friend, yet seems to want to tell her how to proceed, or have I got that wrong?

all life is hard work

love the quote, marry if you can`t live without them, and don`t we widows/widowers find the truth of that when spouse dies...

sounds like your dd`s friend has the committment, but no details so who are we to comment or judge?

I should add, I am easy-going to a fault.

Yes marriage can be hard work but it is worth working at. I will soon have been married for 54 years. My husband is my closest friend and we are very happy together.
The one tip I would give to anyone is always be kind. What you give out you get back.
I would also say be polite to your partner and treat each other with respect.
Looking back over younger years when we have been trying to be right and scoring points over each other, well that was so silly. You are a team in marriage, your children draw their examples of how to live happily from their parents. Always try to show good examples. You won't always get it right but it is worth trying to.

Depends who you are married to, I suppose.

My accountant once said to me that "love is a verb, not an adjective". (He was very Ghandi-like).
Any relationship requires "work", in that you both work together to create happiness.
I believe that if its "hard work", that you're putting in, it means the other person doesn't get that love is a verb, ie, they're not putting in their share of the work that's required.
It applies to any relationship whether sanctioned by church/law or not.

Yes if you let it. It is give and take and negotiate. My mother once brought me up sharp when I went home uninvited because DH was at work all weekend. She said"YOU have made your bed go home and lie on it untidy of get it made properly"we've managed nearly 50 years with lots of negotiation.

Your mother was very wise PaddyAnn.
Yes BlueBelle I agree, much luck is involved in meeting the right person and working at a marriage that then doesn’t work is not the fault of anyone.
I think I was extremely lucky. Orlin and I were 15 when we met and 20 when we married in 1970 so I suppose we ‘grew up’ together which may have helped.

MayBeMaw

I think it should be like any form of exercise you have chosen - yes, requiring effort and patience , “hard work” but something you do because you also enjoy it.
When it becomes a drudge, hard graft with no satisfaction, then something is wrong.

This pretty much. I lost my husband 10 years ago. I always felt that marriage….. sny kind of close relationship..,. Should be somthing that is something that you can’t live without rather than something you can cope with

I met my husband at age 20 and he was 21. our hormones were raging and it was the swinging 60s. I got pregnant and we got married mainly because of the baby, a girl. I was in love with my husband but as the years passed we both realised that we were absolutely right for each other. We had a son a little later . Times were tough and we had little money. Often I just wanted to get out of the marriage and wished I had not rushed into it. I missed my freedom and saw other girls my age enjoying themselves while I was looking after 2 small children. But I stayed because I loved my husband who was a good man and a loving father. Yes, we had a lot of rows but worked hard at our marriage and things got a little easier moneywise, as I got a job and our children were looked after by other people and then they went to school. My husband who had always had good health got Alzheimers and looking after him was damn difficult.... eventually he had to go into a care home and died.
I do miss him so much, remembering his many good qualities and our love... That was 6 years ago and I still miss him...
Yes, marriage can be hard work... but love triumphs.

I put up with an annoying mother in law because she was needy having been injured badly and lost her husband in a horrific car crash before the wedding for yrs because I love my husband and he and his family were all close and loving we had no money and it was a struggle, but a loving husband even if you are broke makes a difference, yes I got fed up with toddlers underfoot and no space in tiny house and him working long hours but wegotthrough it..

I'm very happy being married to my husband, I've never thought of my marriage as hard work, their have been days when he's annoyed me or I've annoyed him, but only the odd day and the rest of the time we are happy. My sister constantly says marriage is such hard work but her and her husband constantly pick fault in each other, I'd absolutely hate that type of relationship. So I suppose it depends on who you are married too and what you get from your marriage, I'm guessing I'm very lucky as we both enjoy each others company and thankfully he never notices my faults ? over 45 years and having fun together.

I don’t think any of us are so perfectly matched that we don’t need to work at our marriages, but I don’t necessarily think it should be hard work - supporting each other through life’s journey comes naturally if you love each other.

I agree with the OP though - life has its’ ups and downs, and if problems are being swept under the carpet instead of aired, then you have to ask yourself why that is. I think the hard work element comes in if you find it difficult to talk to each other about things that are bothering you. Bottling things up doesn’t work because you inevitably end up at breaking point and it sounds as though that’s what will eventually happen to the DD’s friend.

"dont marry him just because you think you can live with him,marry him because you cant live without him"

Paddyann I want to borrow your mum's advice.

Mind you I have no intention of remarrying. My beloved DH of 51 years died a year ago and I miss him very much for all his foibles come back all is forgiven! but also his tolerance of mine.

I have nobody to chuckle with, cuddle, celebrate with, complain to, despair with, cook for, eat for, walk with and travel through life with.

I believe in having our own interests and friends so when one of you leaves this world, or you part for another reason. We are born alone and die alone.