Were you a disappointment to your parents ?

I should add, my brother was certainly not a disappointment.

BlueBalou

Blondiescot
My mother said the same to me re going to university then told me I should have been a doctor (I was a nurse but that wasn’t good enough), I should have married a doctor (!) etc.
I was compared unfavourably to her friend’s dd at every possible opportunity too.
Sickening isn’t it?

It is indeed. It took me the best part of 40 years to realise that no matter what I achieved in my life, it would never be enough for her. I used to say that I could have invented a cure for cancer and brought about world peace and she'd still have found something to pick fault in. Being treated like that leaves you with lifelong mental scars.

Norah
Oh no boys rarely seem to disappoint.

Being treated like that leaves you with lifelong mental scars.

Absolutely Blondiescot. I have struggled with depression for much of my adult life. It’s pretty well controlled now with my medication but it always threatens to reappear despite my medication when life becomes too stressful. It’s no accident that my only sister always has always struggled with severe mental health difficulties which continue to this day. The responsibility lies with my mother who seems to have had absolutely no idea of the problems she caused.

My parents were too detached to be disappointed or proud of anything I did.

Sara1954

All I can say is, my mother was an enormous disappointment to me.
When I was in other peoples homes, I was really amazed at how other families interacted, wealthier families, poorer families, single parent families, they all made me envious.

This is a brilliant comment, I am going to change my thinking.

My mother was a disappointment to me

Thank you

I imagine that I probably was a disappointment to both parents. Older siblings went on to further education, I started work at 16, but I always knew that they loved me.

It was only after my divorce that I became closer to my parents and we did have a few wonderful years before failing health took them from us.

We can't change the past but we can learn from the present to influence our future.

Sending hugs to all those feeling a little 'lost' and perhaps like me, just a tad tearful.

No. I had amazing parents who encouraged me in everything I did, none of which was particularly earth shattering. I was an only child, a brother being stillborn a year before I appeared, and they both doted on their 3 grandaughters. My Mum told me more than once how very proud she was of my ‘mothering’ abilities. What more could a daughter want but affirmation from her parent.

Violetsky
You are most welcome

When the time came for my father to make his will it was lucky that I accompanied him to the solicitor. As the only surviving child I was amazed to hear him tell the solicitor that the reason he hadn't made a will was because he didnt know who to leave his assets to!
It was pointed out to him that as I had looked after him and that he was close to the grandchildren it would be sensible to name me as the beneficiary.
I don't think that had occurred to him before!

I wasn’t a disappointment in my childhood. My mother often said that when I was born she couldn’t believe she had got what she wanted - a girl. They already had a boy, and I don’t think she ever thought much of boys. Then when I was grownup my father, talking of me as achild, - I can repeat this because none of you know me - said I was “perfect. You were good, you were beautiful, you were clever”. Note the past tense.

I went on being perfect until in my mid-twenties, when I had the distinct feeling that in order not to be a disappointment I had to be married, and I showed no sign of that. This feeling came mostly from my father - I don’t think my mother minded much. Luckily I did marry in my late twenties, so that was all right. However, my assertiveness was seen as aggression, not feminine enough. One day my mother said “Whatever happened to my lovely daughter?”. That really hurt, and still does.

Ohh this is a very good question because .....

I was adopted and saw nothing but love, care, guidance and understanding from my mum and dad, gran and grandad. I know i was a lovely, good (very shy daughter ) and they were proud of me .... and then the teenage years descended
.. i reflect back now with horror at the way i spoke to my poor mum and dad, ohhhhh atrocious. I went through the rebellion stage with a capital 'R'.
Looking back ( which I have done countless times ) I deeply regret the way I conducted myself to the 2 people who loved me unconditionally, BUT despite those shameful years, they knew i loved them SO very much, they were my world and I know 100% that I was not a disappointment.

To my mother, yes. All she wanted was a pretty little girl (I was tall, lanky and not very pretty) who stayed close by, got married and had lots of children. She wasn't in the least bit interested in academic or work successes. She was the reason I left home at 18, when I finally realised that until I got married and gave her some more grandchildren (she already had 7, now has 13) and moved back to where she had access to them I would never be of interest to her.

What sad stories some of you have to tell.
I was born after my parents had been married for 9 years, and thought that they could not have children. Both my parents loved us dearly. I had a brother 2 1/2 years younger than me.
They encouraged us, and although money was tight, they were inventive.
I can't begin to think how I would have survived without their love.
Hope it's made me a good mum to our 3.

Absolutely to my mum. She is a narc so very jealous if I did anything more than she had done any success was dismissed as showing off. I finally broke ties in my early 30s and without the constant negativity I flourished and have done incredibly well. I feel sorry for her that she can't acknowledge it.

Maria
Oh yes, showing off!
Everything was showing off, having an opinion that wasn’t theirs was showing off.
Telling them I’d had a good mark at school was showing off
Getting a part in the school play was showing off.
I could go on, but obviously I spent most of my childhood showing off.

Everything was showing off

And God forbid if you were ever caught looking in a mirror; "Who do you think is going to be looking at you?"

My mum used to say that, too.
Showing off was strictly prohibited.

It is so sad to hear of people not being happy with their parents. I'm afraid I took my happy childhood for granted and loved my parents. They allowed me to make my own choices and always supported me. I moved a distance away and I'm sure they must have missed me but they never showed it. Now that my own family live far away I know how my parents must have felt but they never made me feel guilty and I try to extend the same courtesy to my offspring.

I was their golden girl I couldn't do anything wrong, I had a great relationship with both my parents.

My father was quite detached so might have been - or not.

My mother was proud of some things I did but only if she was able to show off about them. I passed my 11+ and woe betide me if I didn't wear my hat ALL the way home from school so people could see me.

Similarly, I married a 'professional' man (very good) bur let the side down by not dressing as befits the wife of a professional man and compounding it by having 5 children.

Though she took great pride in her 6 great grand children - from the embarrassing 5 children I produced.

When I was about 12 I was invited to a school friends birthday party. I didn't know anyone well as we had just moved there and told my mother I didn't want to go - expecting to be told 'Of course you do - you'll have a lovely time and make new friends'. What she actually said was 'Well don't go then, no one will notice you're not there'. It stayed with me all my life, leaving me feeling invisible.

What a huge relief it was when I left home and I could be myself without the constant bullying and harassment. I never looked back and managed to get on ok with my Mum who stepped back and concentrated on bullying my Dad instead.

Chewbacca
You make me smile
Did you used to get
‘We’ll I don’t know who you think you are, no one is interested in anything you’ve got to say’

I could do no right and everything I did was criticised.
I once came second to a boy in a maths test: "Why did you let him beat you?"
My brother did his own thing and largely ignored them.
My sister (youngest) was the golden child who could do no wrong.

I wanted to join the WRNS but that was dismissed: "You'll end up married to a sailor and he'll be away all the time."
I gave up and stopped trying, stopped caring.
I left as soon as I could to start a degree course I had no interest in, purely as a way to leave home; I met my husband who was on the same course under the same circumstances.

We have three children and it wasn't until I met other young mums that I realised not everyone was cross with their children all the time. That was a steep learning curve for me.

We have just celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary. We've worked hard and are happy with what we have achieved. No regrets.