Were you a disappointment to your parents ?

Childhood was fine, my parents were strict but I knew they loved me. This was despite being estranged from most of their own families due to me being illegitimate and adopted. Things changed when at 21 I was pregnant and unmarried. My father had died by this time, my mother was appalled and mostly concerned about what the neighbours and people at Chapel would say. We did eventually make our peace and she loved her granddaughter.

We’ll I don’t know who you think you are, no one is interested in anything you’ve got to say

A close version Sara1954; mine was "Who do you think you are?" "You've got big ideas for yourself, you have." "I don't know why you think any one will be looking at you, you're nothing special."

It doesn't matter now; long since ceased to have any effect and I wouldn't have thought of it today if ”I rue the day you were born. hadn't leapt out at me!

Yes, definitely a disappointment to my father to whom educational achievement was everything. I was ok and loved arts subjects but was told if I wanted to go to university I could only study to be a doctor or vet, and I tried in these subjects but wasn’t really capable of the A level subjects needed.

2 brother also weren’t academically gifted either but 16 years later, along came golden girl younger sister who eventually went to Cambridge and studied Archaeology and Anthropology, my ideal subject. She was their everything.

Miss my fathers presence (he died 6 years ago) but don’t mourn his loss. My mother likes me know she is 90 and I do running around after her ( as I ‘have the time now I’m retired) golden girl does take her out for lunch from time to time.

So yes, I’m a disappointment to them. But my grandmother adored me and I miss and mourn her loss every day.

I was a honeymoon baby ?, seems my mum was terrified I would arrive early , I think it did colour her view of me

So interesting to hear the phrases that “narc” mothers come out with, I almost think they have some kind of innate script.
“I rue the day you were born”
“You’ll amount to nothing”
“Nobody’s looking at you”
“You’ll end up in the gutter”
“***** has more sense in their little finger than you’ve got in your thick head”
There are many more, I could not dream of saying any of these things to my wonderful children or grandchildren.
It’s so very sad.

Sago

So interesting to hear the phrases that “narc” mothers come out with, I almost think they have some kind of innate script.
“I rue the day you were born”
“You’ll amount to nothing”
“Nobody’s looking at you”
“You’ll end up in the gutter”
“***** has more sense in their little finger than you’ve got in your thick head”
There are many more, I could not dream of saying any of these things to my wonderful children or grandchildren.
It’s so very sad.

Except for the ‘rue’ one I’ve heard all the others, or versions of, from both my parents. Happy days!

H.mmm I suppose ‘I never wanted any of you’ is much the same as I rue the day you were born. So, yes, Sago, they’d learnt the script.

Narcissistic mothers:

My dad was the best ever dad when I was little, much more hands on than most fathers of the time.

But illness dragged him down, I think he was sick to death of the conflict between me and my mother, he would take himself off on his long walks, or down his club.

I feel a bit sad that I stopped accompanying him on his walks, I don’t think he had much if a life.

Disappointment not at all
I was an embarrassment

I wasn't a boy
I wasn't thin enough, outgoing enough, pretty enough, lady like enough

Why couldn't I be like X as she was the best student
Why couldn't I be like Z, great athlete
Look at Y, she is so pretty and feminine

Etc

Parents sure have a lot to answer for, it seems.
I never realised just how many behaved like that.

Hithere
They are the losers, we are alright, we are resilient, I spent many years thinking everything was my fault, not any more, I’ll willingly take some of the blame, golden child I certainly was not, I know now my mother is not a good woman, and she was a pretty poor mother, but it’s in the past, and I can laugh about it now.

I was the plain gawky kid while my sister was exceptionally pretty so I guess I was a disappointment to my parents in many ways. They made it plain that she was the golden princess. By contrast my grandmother never took to my sister and said she was spoiled.

My father (in particular) made it clear that he resented my ambitions and my going into a "posh" job where I was paid by bank transfer and used a cheque book. He believed that it was disrespectful to want a different lifestyle than your parents. He called it "having unrealistic expectations above your class"

I never believed that my "class" was dictated by my parents but rather by what I achieved.

Even when I later returned to education and completed a Ph.D my parents were not impressed. They did not come to my graduation.

This is a bit spooky after growing up as the plump plain child unlike my slim and pretty sister and mum I spotted a photo on Facebook today. Not having seen either of them for a long time I did smile at the two of them both overweight and not maturing well. Once I cut ties I discovered I had a thyroid problem and with the correct medication my plumpness disappeared I never post photos of me on social media but am so tempted to post one today.
I do recall going to buy my wedding dress and mum bought her outfit which cost more than double the cost of mine typical narc she said well no one will be looking at you but they will all be looking at me. Silly thing is we look very alike and whenever anyone said oh you're your mum's double she would reply yes but I'm attractive ?‍♀️

There is a thread in Estrangement for adult children who grew up with abuse if anyone would find it helpful

No NOT a disappointment to my father,he always encouraged me to go into further education and move away and see other places, his mantra was "YOU gotta get out of this place".and I did.
Yes to my mother who loved to boast about my achievements to others but never praised me to my face. She did not approve of DH because she knew we would not move back into her sphere of influence. She wanted him to go into a branch of his job he did not want so we could be near her and even suggested we bought a large house and all lived together.
I never did what she wanted according to her, I did not have a sibling but she held up a cousin as what I should be like.
Her behaviour was summed up by one of my children when they said"Only my gran could die so shortly before my marriage and try to spoil it".
I might add my MIL was just the same and in I a way I thank them ,I would not be what I am today without the battle I fought with both.

Probably. Totally wild. Left home at 17 to travel in America.

No my mum was a very kind and caring person.

No I wasn’t a disappointment to my parents, I was always encouraged to go for what I wanted to do, I wasn’t academic really, I had a great childhood and was very loved not spoilt though, and I along with my husband brought up our four children the way I was brought up with boundaries in place luckily everything has turned out great as our children have all got good jobs and happy lives

I was always a disappointment to both my parents my brother was the golden boy. When I had kids my parents said they didn't like them because they didn't like their dad. I have nc now havent for over 10 years I can make my own decisions now I can choose my own friends and how I want to spend my time it is beautiful

I was a disappointment to my mother from the moment she knew she was pregnant with me!!

mine resented me if anything in her life went wrong it was my fault never ever said she loved me or was proud of me, i became pregant at 16 my dad gave consent and married the father he was 19, she gave us six months and repeatedly said it wouldnt l when my son was born she constantly critised way i looked after him and again later when my daughter was born well she was wrong on all counts my marriage lasted 32 years now divorced and both DS and DD both grew up to have good jobs and familys

No, I'm sure I wasn't, even though I was very ordinary and grew up to have a very ordinary life. I always knew they both loved me very much and I genuinely felt that they were the best parents I could have had. We had a very close relationship and I feel surrounded by their love even now, when they have both been gone for many years. I am shocked and sad to read how many grans here did not have that. ?

It’s amazing how many mothers held up cousins or other people as examples of how much better than their own children they were. I wonder what the mothers got out of this. My mother did it all through my life, until comparatively recently. She’s really too old to be bothered with that now. She’s in a care home and not in a very good state and so her concerns are more about herself. But I always wondered why she compared me and my children unfavourably with other people who were obviously so much better than us in every way. I found it baffling.

What does the word narc mean I've never heard it in this context,we use it to mean annoy.