Were you a disappointment to your parents ?

I think possibly a whole bunch of learned behaviour from their own parents and a lack of mental heath support for parents and safeguarding for children

What was the matter with all these cruel, thoughtless mothers? Unhappy lives in the 1950s and 60s and beyond? Mine told me I was more trouble than I was worth. I was dumpy, fat and had my father’s eyes (bad) according to her. Then told me not to be so vain and work on my personality.

Grew up hearing over and over how awful my birth was ( made me terrified when I found out I was pregnant) and how she couldn’t face having any more children. My father wanted a big family but she was having none of it, he seemed permanently irritated with me as an hormonal teenager despite growing up himself with 5 sisters!
My mother decided I was overweight at the age of 10 and if I was invited anywhere for tea she sent a packet of Limits biscuits that I had to eat whilst watching everyone else tuck into a cooked meal - needless to say I have struggled with my weight/self confidence all my life.

for some folk ,depending on the persons makeup,and continued levels of abuse,some fail to rise above the abuse,this often ends up with mental illness, addictions etc which can be lifelong,it is a moment of revelation ,which should be shouted from the rooftops,when you realise that your parents failed you miserably and they are indeed a great embarrassment to you.

My parents were shocked I didn't pass the 11 plus. Even though I did well at secondary school there was always the suggestion that I hadn't much competition there.

Oh Yes, constantly. I was unwanted. My piano lessons were stopped (I love music). I was a pretty child that grew into an ugly adult. I had a boy, they wanted a girl, they didn't even like the names we chose. I was told why bother (3rd driving test, which I passed). They refused to come to my choir and opera performances. I could go on.....

The last of 4 and never good enough as I wasn't male and neither were my sisters...However my younger sister was told they should have aborted here or put her up for adoption so while not loved they could have been worse to me.

henetha

Yes definitely. I was adopted and never lived up to expectations. I think I was a huge disappointment.

Me also Henetha.
The sun shone out of my brother’s backside (their natural son) and I always felt inadequate. But 40 years on my brother treated them very badly and my mother died after not having seen him for over ten years. The one thing I did better than him was to give them grandchildren. However I feel very bitter as there should have been be someone else helping me to look after our parents. I’m now trying to manage my 93 year old dad who lives 100 miles away and it’s no fun at all.

Yes.

Probably l was dyslexic, didn't get into the grammar school, so l think they wrote me off, packed me off to a dreary boarding school - out of sight out of mind perhaps ??

Don't think l was a disappointment to my parents, but my dad was definitely a disappointment to me!!

Sara1954

Icanhandthemback
Wanting to be in a childrens home sounds like a silly flippant comment, but several children in our school were at the local one, and when we went there it seemed like a very happy place to be
Sadly that can’t be said of all of them.

It's not a flippant comment at all when you are deeply unhappy at home. Fortunately, I only had to put up with my Homelife until the age of 7 because I went to boarding school so was away except for the holidays. A blessed relief!

I don’t know….. but they were certainly a disappointment to me!

Sago

From the late Philip Larkin, he was head librarian at Hull University and a real character, he is still fondly remembered and has a statue in his memory at Paragon Station;

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

I feel sorry for the people of Hull who are reminded by this man and his poem of what life can and be like.
Better to be known for William Wilberforce one of their own not an incomer and all he did for enslaved people.

Icanhandthemback
Wanting to be in a childrens home sounds like a silly flippant comment, but several children in our school were at the local one, and when we went there it seemed like a very happy place to be
Sadly that can’t be said of all of them.

AreWeThereYet

When I was about 12 I was invited to a school friends birthday party. I didn't know anyone well as we had just moved there and told my mother I didn't want to go - expecting to be told 'Of course you do - you'll have a lovely time and make new friends'. What she actually said was 'Well don't go then, no one will notice you're not there'. It stayed with me all my life, leaving me feeling invisible.

I sometimes think as children our minds magnify comments that our parents make. Of course I don’t know how your mother sounded when when she made this comment but perhaps she didn’t want to push you into doing something you weren’t comfortable with. When I don’t feel like going to a social event I often tell myself that no one is going to miss me anyway.
For my part I remember my mother making a comment to my aunt when I was a teenager saying “isn’t she TALL ”… at that time it seemed to me that most other young ladies of my age were about 5’ 2 tall - like Brenda Lee and Twiggy who were popular at the time. After that comment I spent the next 10 years trying to look shorter by wearing flat shoes, walking in the gutter and hunching my shoulders ?. These days it’s more ‘fashionable’ to walk tall….. but her throw away comment stayed with me for years.
My son sometimes tells me about unkind comments I have made during his and his brothers childhoods - probably said when I’ve been under pressure from life itself - usually I can’t recall saying them but luckily we can both laugh about it now.
On the whole though I was lucky enough to have thoughtful loving parents.
I feel sad reading some of the comments on here though.

I think my Dad loved me and was proud of me, as was my Mum until I reached an age when I had opinions of my own and, worse still, voiced them. Her favourite phrase was 'You're just like your father you are' not said as a compliment. She had no interest whatsoever in the things that mattered to me. She never went to school events (parents evenings, plays, sports days etc) to the extent that teachers stopped giving me the letters to take home. She barely read my reports. It became clear that she saw my future as being her companion and carer as she had been for her parents, she simply couldn't accept that I might want a life and family of my own. So when I met my husband and we became engaged her reaction was one of utter disbelief. Whatever was I thinking of!!! What was she supposed to do? What would happen to her now? In my usual forthright way I told her. That was when I was a huge disappointment to her. Despite all of that I did love my Mum but there was a lot I didn't like about her.

I had a similar background to the fundamentalist family contributor. My father believed that my brother and I were so fortunate to have this background that they had already solved all problems for us at our conception and we required little further exceptional attention
Dad went off where-ever possible to preach or to record services which he would go and play to the housebound encouraging them to sing hymns with him
'Isn't your father lovely, said one girl from the church youth club he ran ' I don't know . I never see him. was my reply. Friends were always encouraged to visit and stay so that I might have the opportunity to take them to Sunday School..... mostly they preferred the cinema on a Sunday

Both my brother and I were loved but I was not liked as I fell so far from the requirement of what a daughter should be. Both of us were told by mum ' Isn't it a shame that you are the girl and he is the boy?. she told me to tone my conversation down as 'No men like clever girls'.
I loved everything acdemic, never failed an exam and wanted to study medicine. Funds had been laid aside for my brother to do this but were not available for me. I got to university by my own efforts but had to cut short the studying as mum was ill with cancer. I was needed at home
Brother wanted to be a pop star This was more than idle thinking as the group for which he was lead singer came second to a now well known household name in an international contest to win a recording contract
They bought an old van and there were already groupies following them. Then came the Sunday engagements. There was no compromise here. If my brother stayed under the family roof ( now aged 19 or 20) then he could not indulge in such activities on a Sunday said my father ( who supported him financially)
I've had a happy life notwithstanding that. Possibly the obstructions made it all far more interesting. I married a clever man and the children were successful academically too( 'How can such strange looking parents have such beautiful children') said a friend

i was until I got my doctorate then on my next visit she was introducing me to all her posh pals because I was now Dr. She has always favoured my younger brother who is an academic and his children. My late father never made any difference between us or his grandchildren. My children have all gone on to do well in life and are happy people who get on with each other whereas my nephews have all had problems and can't stand each other. Maybe being a disappointment has its advantages.

Only when I got to my teens and I turned into a wild hippy child! My poor Mum and Dad ? I tried I made up for it as I got older but will always feel guilty ?

Sara1954

Icanhandthemback
Thanks for the explanation, I never really knew what it meant, but secretly hoped it meant I might be put in a childrens home.

Yes, I had my moments when I wondered whether it could be any worse but the stories of a children's home were pretty dire. I didn't realise that my Mum and her brother had spent time in one so it amazes me that she would scare us with this. It just seems so cruel.

Hate it. It might apply to him, but is not universal.

FarNorth

Narc = narcissist

Thanks for the explanation. I said it would mean to annoy where I come from.

More like we’re my parents a disappointment to me ?

Love this poem x