So Ive been “volunteered” as a proxy key holder and possible carer for my dementia neighbour!

It seems in the absence of an agency that orchestrates care for vulnerable individuals, the more people who take an active supervisory interest in the vulnerable person, the better.

There is no special reason the woman's GP should be the orchestrating agency, but it seems to be the case that in the absence of such agency the GP gets to deal with these loopholes in the care system.

You did well Big Louis to refuse hands-on care . However I think you might alert her GP to her vulnerable circumstances.

Or failing the GP , the social services.

Luckygirl3 a pendant alarm is likely to be no use for a person with dementia, since they are all too liable to forget to wear it/forget what it’s for even if they do/hide it/bin it.

OP, you did the right thing. We have been keyholders for very frail elderly neighbours, and although we’ve known them for ever and are very fond of them, there’s no denying that it was fairly often very worrying and time consuming. (E.g. waiting with them for an ambulance after a fall.)

Another well done. Absolute cheek even asking. Not a neighbours responsibility, esp a difficult one!.

Lomo123

Another well done. Absolute cheek even asking. Not a neighbours responsibility, esp a difficult one!.

No, it's not a neighbour's responsibility but neighbours often do look out for each other and a keyholder who lives nearby is only required to check if called in an emergency and then alert other services or family.

However, the circumstances biglouis describes are not at all straightforward and the neighbour is difficult.

How can the family think that their Mother can be left alone at all?
What if she leaves the door open, or a pan on the heat?
It seems to me her falling over is the least of their problems.

Well done for standing your ground.

Well done for not taking on that responsibility and for someone who you don’t get along with. You have your own health issues. So, you have done the right thing

The family has to step up and take charge.

I wouldn't blame the family without knowing the whole picture

"However 3 has dug her heels in and refused to leave the 5 bed family home where she now lives alone"

The neighbour may also be against having carers come in, fire them or be in denial of her condition

We have seen it plenty of times on this board - a difficult family member making an already complex situation even harder

We have seen it plenty of times on this board - a difficult family member making an already complex situation even harder

Well one of the things that made me angry with 4 (apart from her "very important job") was that she did this little speech on the above lines. How elderly people can be stubbborn and awkward and suspicious when their relatives only want what is best for them. This came after the story about how 3's children wanted her to put the house up for sale to free up capital.

I thought that was quite a patronising way to speak to me. I told her in a snippy tone that I too was "elderly" and could be very stubborn but that I did not allow family and much less neighbours to tell me what to do with my property.

Strangely enough I had noticed that there had recently been workmen pressure washing the roof at 3 and gardners tidying up the garden as if they wanted the house to look its best. Ive also heard other "work" type noise from next door. So I am wondering to what extent the two siblings are preparing to go ahead and cajole their mum to put the house on the market.

None of my business of course.

Of course you were absolutely correct in saying no!! How dare they put you in that situation. It's one thing to keep an eye on a vulnerable neighbour and but quite another to be a key holder / carer?
If you had agreed you would have been in a very vulnerable situation, the lady with dementia could well accuse you of theft or abuse. Stand your ground - I feel sure you will!

As I started to read your post I could feel my blood pressure rising for you. Half way through I was thinking 'please don't agree'. When I read that you had said 'no' I let out a huge sigh of relief. Well done, biglouis, you have very wisely saved yourself a lot of aggro. At the end of the day the lady from No. 3 is her children's responsibility and they have to provide support for her. You need to look after yourself.

Of course you were right to refuse biglouis. I would have in your situation. .

We act as keyholders for a friend and neighbour and have a key box number for our immediate neighbour. Both after discussion, none of the people involved have dementia and in both cases we have contact numbers for family. Our friend fell last year and we cared for her as best we could until an ambulance arrived. Also helping her post surgery. She is a friend, not a neighbour we don’t get along with, a very different situation.

Apologies. First line above should say. I would have done the same in your situation.

well done biglouis, absolutely the right answer, especially well done for thinking on your feet. Not your responsibility at all.

A bit similar to me at the moment, wrt a neighbour. I am keeping my distance in all ways, he will need permanent help and his AC will be going back home in a few weeks. He is still in hospital. It took one statement several weeks ago when he was ok and at home `you could always get the shopping for me` well no I won`t and I will make myself unavailable. I know I will be asked and thank you for posting biglouis, that has prepped me for when they ask me to be a key holder.

Being a key holder also means you are contacted at any time of the day or night if said person falls and has a Mecs alarm. A friend and I had that discussion a couple of days ago. So don't give out your phone number unless you are prepared for that. It is really kind of people who are key holders for neighbours who have become friends but in OPs case, definitely not

I think that you were absolutely right , Biglouis .

It's really up to your neighbour's relatives to get her an alarm and carers .
They could install security cameras .

If she isn't answering the phone then she's not cooperating with them .

Perhaps they don't understand your unfortunate history with her .
Or maybe , they don't want to understand .

It's really cheeky of the neighbour at number four to delegate these duties to you .

You were absolutely right to stand your ground .

The situation might be different it you were well enough to cope and if you had a good relationship and enjoyed the company with/of this lady - but even so it's entirely your choice and decision .

Lunching with friends this week , we were discussing just how impossible our elderly relatives can be .

I said , if they ruled the roost when young and healthy when they get older they don't morph into sweet and pleasant people .
They laughed and agreed .

So if you didn't get on with this difficult neighbour it isn't going to be easy .

And continue to ignore the attempted guilt trip .

Good luck .

You are absolutely right, this is not your problem. The family will have to make proper arrangements. If the woman has POA in place then the relatives can make the decisions. If the neighbour is deemed to be unable to care for herself then POA comes into force.

I understand that there are people who are "private" carers (not attached to social services) and one can hire them as required. They need to put someone on a retainer to be able to check on 3 if the need arises, and who will know what to do if she is ill or has an accident. Or, as several posters have indicated. sign her up with an alarm service or install a descreet camera. In point of fact 3 is not physically frail and seems to zip along quite swiftly - she is much fitter than I am in the physical sense. So she is not frail.

A few years back one of my relatives had a stroke. Because he was unable to reach anyone to alert them he lay on the floor for 2 days before he was discovered. People who have already had a stroke are more likely to have another so he now has a cctv camera installed in the hallway of his flat. It doesnt infringe his privacy but he has to pass it when he goes to the front door/pick up mail. So if the camera does not show movement for a day or more his relatives will know something may be wrong and investigate.

4 knows very well it’s a big deal which is why she’s trying to pass the buck to OP and absolve herself of responsibility

Based on my personal experiences of a similar situation - wise decision Biglouis. Keep that gate locked.

I am proud of the fact that I was simply rather "snippy" with 4 and did not give her down the banks (as we say in Liverpool for a good telling off). My nephew wanted to go and give her "what for" but I told him to leave it. I just wont open the door to her.

What annoyed me most was not the request that I hold keys/provide contact details for a needy neighbour. Rather it was this mention of her "very important" job and the assertion that anything I, as a presumably retired person, needed to do was less important or demanding than this highly responsible role.

The entitlement of some people is monumental.

Good grief, you did right imo

I was a keyholder and later had the number of his keysafe box and found that I was called a number of times when he pressed his alarm or people could't get hold of him. He was frail. I liked him but in the end had to say I couldn't help - one morning I was called at 5.30 because he had pressed his alarm. He had fallen so I ahad to ask the aylarm people to call an ambulance and I had to wait for the to is and for family to arrive. I wouldn't have done this for someone I didn't get on with.

Apologies for my devious and rather negative mindset,but if no 3 owns a 5 bedroomed house, which she presumably is unable to maintain properly, why hasn't the daughter contacted Social Services for help?
I have a slight suspicion that daughter is hanging on grimly to the house in the hope that she will inherit it, So she does not want any 'official' involvement which is bound to isuggest daily carers, for which she will have to pay - or at least part, I guess, or selling the house and moving to a Care Home, where the cost will be paid for by the house sale.

Stick to your guns biglouis.