Went out to bring in bin and got ambushed by neighbour of no 4. There are 3 houses in a line. I live at no 2. No 3 is a neighbour I have never got on with, now clearly with dementia or similar. Unable to follow a conversation or simple instructions and becoming very aggressive if she does not immediately get her way. Husband of 3 died 2 years ago, a kindly but weak man who was relentlessly bullied by her. We have never got on in the 20 years Ive lived here and I no longer open the door to her. There is a walkway behind the houses and Ive seen her drifting along wearing what look like pyjamas and flip flops (with no coat) on a very cold day. Seems to have been befriended by no 4 who lives on the other side.
4 tells me a rambling story about how 3 lived with her adult daughter for months following husbands death but had now returned. Daughter and sibling want to sell the house and use the money to buy a bigger property so 3 can live with daughter. However 3 has dug her heels in and refused to leave the 5 bed family home where she now lives alone. Both adult children live a distance away and can only visit every 2/3 weeks. Daughter is very worried about her mum and tries to phone every day. 3 does not always answer or return calls and sometimes daughter can go several days without speaking to mum.
Daughter and 4 have come up with a plan to have 2 immediate neighbours hold keys and provide a contact number. Daughter can then phone keyholder (in case of no contact with mum) and ask them to call round (and/if necessary) to use key to make sure all is well with 3. 4 tells me she is happy to be a keyholder but she has a “very important job” as an area sales manager and is often away. So she and daughter thought I might like to be the other keyholder. At this point she stands outside my (locked) gate dangling a set of keys in her hand.
I was tempted to tell her that I also have a “very important job” in that I run an international business. However this is not information I share with neighbours. It was more the annoying inference that I had time on my hands which was less valuable than her “very important” managerial position.
For multiple reasons I said absolutely no. Main reason being that I myself have significant mobility issues and would be of no use in case 3 needed physical assistance of any kind. We have never got on and I am reluctant to get involved in her affairs. I asked if this “plan” had been discussed with 3, as I cannot imagine my being at the top of a list of potential people whom 3 might want to enter her home unannounced. Even if I was physically fit I would be very reluctant to go alone into someone’s home in such circumstances.
4 tried to guilt me by saying well it probably wont happen very often and surely you can do a small kindness for a sick neighbour whose family live elsewhere. I suspect that this plan had been dreamed up between 4 and the daughter without any reference to or consultation with 3.
I left 4 standing there and told her my answer was final. There are plenty of able bodied neighbours she and daughter can ask to participate in their little scheme. When I told my nephew the first thing he said was that I could be accused (by the relatives) of stealing something or abusing or harming 3, given our stormy history and her tendency to become aggressive without warning.
Hundred per cent Nope! Sounds like they just want to do things on the cheap! Carers should be put in place! They are not the only ones who have been in this position thousands have, this lady needs professional help with dementia
I wonder if this loving daughter who wants her mum to move in with her actually asked 4 to involve you, or if 4 just took it upon herself as she doesn't want to be the main carer?
I'd try to contact the daughter and explain that you don't like being corralled into this, that she gave the keys to this other person and if she wants more help then she should pay for real carers rather than expect neighbours to do the job for her!!
It is quite possible, I think, that the daughter left the spares with the other neighbour as a 'just in case', but never said anything about handing some out to you!
Agree, you’ve done exactly as I would have done. No 3’s relatives need to sort her care and key holders, not No 4.
rowyn, my thoughts exactly. If anyone is ever concerned about the welfare of (or care arrangements for) a vulnerable elderly person, they should call Social Services and request that a check be made.
Our elderly neighbour, Frank, had two care visits daily. The first was to get him up, dressed and fed, the second, to get him fed, changed and back to bed. That was his miserable existence with no family visits.
One day, we heard him shouting as we passed but he didn't answer the door (we knew he could get about slowly) so we thought we'd have to call the police.
A neighbour's husband took a ladder and climbed in through an open upstairs window. No, he hadn't had a fall, his morning carer had left his walking stick upstairs!
I am an emergency keyholder for my neighbour who has has a couple of minor strokes. We get on well.
The issue is that she often sets her 'wristwatch' alarm off by accident, either when she is gardening or worse still playing golf!
I get a call as she never answers her mobile to the alarm company. I even got a call when I was out of the country at 4am due to time differences.
When I saw the title of you post I immediately thought I'd tell you to say NO, under no circumstances in this situation - glad to hear that's just what you did. Well done.
quite right to say no! Don`t waste your time on feeling guilty, get on with your life. x
Definitely NO. I'm glad you stood up for yourself.
A keysafe might be the solution, but in your position I don't think I'd suggest it; it might be taken as a sign you were getting involved.
Damn cheek, good for you
It's not your responsibility or problem even if you have all the time and energy in the world. You don't need an excuse.
It's interesting that as women we are conditioned to feel guilty when we say 'no' as we have been trained to say 'yes' , especially when it comes to caring for others.
You are not selfish, uncaring or any other negative word. You know what you want and don't want. Well done for fending off the manipulation and respecting your boundaries.
I am sure you will be caring in other areas of your life that are relevant to you.
My husband has just gone into care because of Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia…..I’ve looked after him for 27 years since his stroke and after my third stroke last year he had to go! My point is this: if number 3 is wandering down back alleys in her pj’s it’s time for her to be in care! Her family are trying to save the inheritance by keeping her in situ….and not even arranging a care package for her! There thoughts are all on on her property….which will be an asset in her name….so will be used to pay care home bills if she’s no savings of note! What a nasty family. You were absolutely right to say no …..and don’t need to feel guilty! She is not your responsibility….she’s her families …
We were put down as emergency contact with no reference to us . We agreed. One night, middle of night, emergency call. Husband got up and let himself in. Elderly neighbour fast asleep..it had been a false alarm. You were right op to refuse
Even if you were younger and fit, a resounding no in order. Thin end of wedge apart from anything else.
Well done you for doing exactly the right thing under the circumstances!!! I think no.4 is going to have a rude awakening to the true character of no.3 and just what a huge responsibility she is taking on!!! I can see the arrangement won’t last more than a few days, if it ever gets initiated!
Well done on sayi g NO
This is not holding a key for emergencies, this is a request to be on call 24/7 to check on her
If she needs this much supervision, she needs 24/7 carers or memory care facility
Why on earth do they imagine that you would be willing to do this? The fact that you have no real relationship with 3 makes the whole thing untenable, she'd probably be pretty unpleasant to you and, as you say, your mobility issues make you unsuited to the task in any case.
Why on earth don't they get her one of those alarms to put round her neck to press in case of problems. Then a suitable person can come and rescue her if necessary.
A regular carer coming in would solve the problem of lack of contact.
Well done, you did the right thing. The famiky need to get sicial services involved so the neighbour can be assessed as to her care needs. Get the feeling the family may be reluctant to accept their mother needs care. If neighbour can't make decisions social services may end up doing that for her, and the family. Definitely stay well out of it.
My dad had one of those alarms necklaces and wore it dutifully. The numbers of times I went to his house in the middle of the night expecting to find the worst, only to find the best of his snoring. He was surprised I woke him up! The ambulance service made quite a rude telephone call to me to say that their service was being used too much by him as where I live the emergency calls goes through ambulance. I answered by saying that social services issued him with it and told him to wear it 24/7 so what was I supposed to say to him. Biglouis, you are truly well out of the situation. Cheeky people!
OP you were right to be firm. The next step may well have been Adult Social Services ringing you up and trying to get or assuming you are responsible for things. No one should be made a career without their direct consent.
Well done for saying no. It’s a sad situation when her family are unwilling to pay for care. They obviously want to keep their inheritance in tact! Disgraceful behaviour. She really shouldn’t be on her own if she’s wandering around in her pj’s in cold weather. Social services should be made aware of the situation, but that’s not your job Biglouis. As for number 4, what a cheek!
Well done for saying 'no'.
When my mum first had an alarm wristband fitted we were asked for keyholders but had the option of having a key safe fitted instead. As it worked out she now has both as neighbours offered!
I liked the keysafe option as I was hesitant to burden neighbours.
Obviously the right decision! My parents were both frail and my father had dementia. My sister and I lived a fair distance away but we made sure there was an excellent care package in place (carers calling three times a day, alarm etc). It worked fairly well until it didn’t and they needed to move into a care home near my sister for specialist care. We would not have dreamed of asking one of their neighbours, kind as they were, to take on such an important responsibility.
My first thought was similar to your nephew's. If the poor woman has dementia and you have a key she could accuse you of anything that's mislaid or lost or whatever especially as you don't get on anyway. Good for you to refuse, this is for the family to sort out not the neighbours.
We looked after mom for 2 years before her passing with dementia. We eventually had to relent and let mom go in a home for the last 8 weeks of her life when she had a nasty fall.
My hubby and I are disabled, though mobile and we were wiped out. It took us months to to recover.
Mom care home was 5 minutes from us and we went in everyday. There will comes a time when this neighbour of yours will need to go into a care home.
It's impossible to keep someone safe with dementia all the time. You have done absolutely the right thing. I’m glad your nephew is supportive of you
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
