Daughter just uses me

Misty - they are all the same - daughters I mean and children in general……Take their Mothers for granted. You’re not alone

VioletSky

You have 2 choices I think...

1. Vent here, read the angry replies, get worked up until either you have an argument with your daughter or being around each other becomes very uncomfortable because of the big elephant sat between you taking up space...

2. You sit down with her, tell her how you feel and gently ask her why she didn't communicate this to you. Then really listen to the answer and use it as an opportunity to improve your communication and relationship in future...

I agree VS.

I think that the venting and hearing others feelings on the matter probably helps as well initially to get rid of the anger and hurt enough to do as you describe above ...which is clearly the best way to try and improve the situation.

I think that it is appallingly rude to not consult you after 3 years of care but I agree with Violetsky that there is a way forward that could avoid conflict and even bring you closer to your daughter...

It was rude of your daughter.
No excuses.

It is unfair to say daughter uses you

This arrangement worked well for you for a long time as you had access to your gc and spent time with her

Avoid conflict by really listening to your daughter's reasons for not having the courtesy to inform you that your (presumably free ) services were no longer required. Really?

Just simply very bad manners, with no thought given to the fact that you had prepared for the day, were left in limbo waiting and wondering, having to find out what had happened, and finally no apology for 'forgetting' to inform you your services were no longer required.

Should you inform your daughter how you feel you may well be punished by being estranged and not being allowed to see your granddaughter. I sympathise with your entirely justified hurt feelings, but in the present climate where adult children feel it is acceptable to revile their mothers repeatedly you will have to consider carefully how you proceed.

When we approach issues like they are a shared problem, rather than a conflict, that often gives the opportunity to improve the relationship for the future... Good communication is something many lack, especially those leading with their feelings first because, until the problem is known for what it is, those feelings may not be justified.

Or as my lovely nan used to put it "it should be you and them versus the problem, not you and them versus each other"

Recognise that feeling . Has happened to us a couple of times now . We were used for the early stages but then the connection was not followed up once DGC started school . Don't have a suggestion.thats better than PPs but just wanted to empathise . Try to explain to your DD how you feel .

I suggest you just say to your daughter, I really miss spending time with ????? and ask if you can pick her up once a week and give her dinner and drop her home after, or suggest you visit your DD and DGD once a week for a couple of hours after school. Not worth making your DD feel bad or getting into a row.

Unfortunately I think this seems to be a 'modern' fault. My adult daughter only remembers where I live when she wants something!! - usually money, or for me to pay for something 'and I will pay you back'!! Needless to say that never happens! I try to say 'no' but there are only 3 of us - me, adult daughter and granddaughter, so give in!!

VioletSky

When we approach issues like they are a shared problem, rather than a conflict, that often gives the opportunity to improve the relationship for the future... Good communication is something many lack, especially those leading with their feelings first because, until the problem is known for what it is, those feelings may not be justified.

Or as my lovely nan used to put it "it should be you and them versus the problem, not you and them versus each other"

You had a wise Nan VS! My mum actually used to say similar to me and she was pretty wise too! 🙂

crazyH

Misty - they are all the same - daughters I mean and children in general……Take their Mothers for granted. You’re not alone

My daughter and son in law have never taken me for granted.

Sorry but no one is so busy they cannot, at the very least, send a message or phone up! I think it’s very rude and sorry to say it but a sign of how entitled SOME of our children can be. I’d arrange to see her and very nicely explain how much you miss you DGD and would like to catch up with her and her mummy

My daughter and son in law have never taken me for granted either. They are very appreciative of the childcare I do. My daughter contacts me a lot outwith care time and will pop in to see me when she isn't working. In fact, they take me on holiday with them every year. You can't make one example a general issue

Perhaps, as it's probably been such a big issue getting childcare, she thought you already knew! I often find people close to me think I'm either a mind reader or aware of everything, everywhere, all the time! Maybe a mixture of just making assumptions and poor social skills, don't take it too much to heart X

crazyH

Misty - they are all the same - daughters I mean and children in general……Take their Mothers for granted. You’re not alone flowers

Sorry but whilst I agree ALL children, adult or otherwise, have the capacity to be rude, entitled and take parents for granted, some of us call this out straight away so it doesn’t become a habit as it’s very selfish and rude to behave like this and take anyone for granted xx

This is happening so much these days. Im thoroughly sick of hearing "young people are so busy". I never used to say that and was incredibly busy. In fact usually busy people rarely say that. Seems to be a excuse now for every sort of bad behaviour. I had exactly the same and still really struggle to see my beloved gd.

I understand both sides on this one. Firstly, she was wrong to not communicate with you that LO would be going to preschool for 5 days, that would have been common courtesy after you doing the role for so long. Are you sure there are no issues that she may not be communicating with you? On the other side of the coin, preschool gets children used to being in the routine of going to school 5 days a week so when it comes to them going to actual school, there are no issues with that transition. They have people there trained to help children reach developmental milestones and gives them opportunity to socialise with children of the same age, so while it was nice for you to spend time with your grandchild and had benefit to you, it's likely more beneficial for your grandchild to go to the preschool.

I'm sorry neither of them had 5 minutes in their 'busy' week to tell their parents what
Was going to be happening. What a load of twaddle. It seems they found time in their busy lives to ask them to look after the child.
I bet they found time in their busy lives to let them know what to get for the child's birthday and Christmas.
They are just rude and if it was one of my daughters I would be on the phone asking why they didn't think I warranted a phone call to let me know the situation.

Kacee

I'm sorry neither of them had 5 minutes in their 'busy' week to tell their parents what
Was going to be happening. What a load of twaddle. It seems they found time in their busy lives to ask them to look after the child.
I bet they found time in their busy lives to let them know what to get for the child's birthday and Christmas.
They are just rude and if it was one of my daughters I would be on the phone asking why they didn't think I warranted a phone call to let me know the situation.

This!
No excuse for not informing you. They must have known that you would be expecting your GC after doing the childcare for three years! I would have to address this with them. However it is up to you all to try and find a new way of seeing your GC going forward as it is their decision how many days their child is in daycare. Sadly it will be different but be glad for the three years you had. Not all grandparents get that.

Im sorry, but there really is no excuse, it takes a minute to send a text, i know some of how you're feeling myself, not to that extent that you are experiencing i looked after my 2 grand daughters fir my daughter, for one day a week for 3 years, till they went to nursery, we were and still aren't ever invited to her house, no lunch, no drinks, nothing. Yet they fall over backwards to please my ex and his partner in crime. It hurts yo be discarded and especially when you have such a close bond with your GC. I hope you can resolve this, and still see your GC. You deserve to be treated much better than this x

I, like others on here, don’t agree with this excuse that because young parents are busy people they can behave without any thought for others. I see it time and time again in these threads. Looking after your DGC for 3 years is a long time and part of a routine. What on earth did your daughter think she was doing changing this without telling you about it? It’s rude, thoughtless and unacceptable. Do talk to her and tell her you feel let down - without falling out. There also seems to be a feeling from many on here that, if you stand up for yourself, you will, in some way, be punished like not seeing your family. It’s making door mats out of grandparents.
My children are grateful for help and say so and I have to say I expect it.

I’m sure that they would notify the pre-school establishment if there was a change of plan, so why not grandmother, the
‘ previous’ minder?

Ok. So tell her how much you’re missing seeing your granddaughter and ask if there’s anything else you can do, like babysitting or collecting her from play school. Stop expecting to be part of their life except if you’re needed. Sounds nasty I know, but I’m afraid that’s life. And. Get yourself one. Know that sounds nasty too. Yet how about advertising yourself as a babysitter? You’ll be paid, appreciated and doing some good.

It is a sad situation to be ‘discarded’ like that …..but so many grandparents are crushed by similar situations. But take a step back and realize that you probably put no restrictions on providing free childcare for your GC! If you dedicated yourself to this routine happily and willingly and didn’t give a thought or had the time or motivation to realize that this is is your (mid life) time to enjoy like minded friendships and to try new hobbies……. then when your ‘services’ aren’t required any more you have nothing to fill that void! Yes, you have good reason to feel miserable, but why didn’t you think about what you needed as well as what your family needed before jumping in so willingly!