Christmas and sons dad

Why now the drama after all these years?
What’s changed?

Cos he’s had a string of girl friends but now he’s on his own. And as yet no one else invited him so my son said he doesn’t want him to be on his own , fair enough. But he insists I should ask him here

Your son is obviously an adult, it’s up to him and his dad to make their Christmas not rubbish, perhaps by inviting some of his dad’s family to share it.
I would agree with the man I married and stick by him, it’s not your responsibility, however I sense a ‘back story’.
Good question Urmstongran.

In a word, no.
Sorry, but it’s emotional blackmail. Your husband should come first, not your ex.
The fact your ex is on his own is his fault, not yours. Just don’t contemplate having him for lunch.

When the twins were small it was obviously the every other Xmas with their dad, then as I said he had girlfriends and the twins came a kind off second and we just got on with it but now cos he not going anywhere my son literally can’t see the problem that his dad come and spend the day with me, my husband, my grown up kids from another relationship as a big happy family cos to my son 15 years is enough time for my new husband to not have a problem

If your son wants to see his dad, he can invite him to his place -at 26 he’s a grown up now! Why should it be a “rubbish” Christmas,?
Time to stop being a doormat and letting these “adult” children guilt trip you into doing something which will upset your husband and make you both unhappy.

Listen to your husband.
He doesn't want your ex-husband at your house for Christmas just because he hasn't had a better offer this year. Why ever would he?

Your son can spend Christmas with his dad if he's worried about him, as can your daughter.
Why do you think they'd have a rubbish Christmas? They're all adults, they can sort themselves out.

It's not your responsibility and not worth causing trouble at home for.

Your son in an adult so he can choose where to spend Christmas. It sounds odd that he should even suggest your ex husband should attend.

You absolutely back your husband over your adult child. There is no negotiation.

Your house , your invite ! Don’t even think of inviting him !

Thank you for the answers coming in. I will be sticking with husband and not backing down over ex husband but I needed to know I wasn’t being unreasonable, I have constant messages and discussions with my children at how my husband is ruining their Xmas. That my husband should be over it by now after so long. Trouble is I know that my son will just be sitting there while my ex is either asleep or watching tv which is the hard bit. And my ex will make NO effort to have a good day . Yes I know my son is 26 but still feel for him.

As I have said before Christmas is a season, not just one day Thousands of families will see some of the family on Christmas Day, while meeting with others on Christmas Eve' Boxing Day. New Year or any time in between. This is not only because of Family rifts but also because of distances to travel or small homes which cannot accommodate the whole tribe at once. If travelling distances is not a problem, then it is possible to spend time with with everyone eg Breakfast or Brunch, Lunch, Afternoon or Evening. For many years I did 2 Christmas Dinners - one for my shift working side of the family, the other for the InLaws. You need to have a grown up conversation to sort it out.

Yeah I have said to him to come Xmas evening and I will make a big fuss of him Boxing Day . Or he can spend Xmas Eve night here and have a lovely breakfast to go to his dads who won’t get up till at least 11am. I think deep down they know what they asking and doing is wrong. ( I hope )

Does your ex even want to come? It seems this is all being arranged for him by your son and daughter. He may even be happy being alone at Christmas.

Stick your husbands view. It is not your responsibility to see your ex has somewhere to go on Christmas Day!

That’s the thing.it appears they have told him he coming. Well not told him other wise. He won’t call any of his family members to see if he can go there. And he says “ I’m ok on my own” knowing full well that my son won’t let that happen

And I think my daughter ( though I hate to say it out loud) is shifting her guilt over to me by questioning my husband decisions because she has no intention of staying with her dad and not coming here.

He is your ex for a reason. Your loyalties are now with your husband.

Seems like they would like to pop over for a lovely Christmas lunch without the work and the faff. Your stance is perfectly reasonable.

A big fat no. I totally understand your feelings about your son, but he doesn’t understand your feelings about your ex husband or indeed your present husband.
Don’t be emotionally blackmailed by your adult child.

Where's the proplem? You have been apart 15 years, he was presumable not pkeasant to e marrid to.You have been happiky married for someone else for 12 years.
Your grown-up son is being utterly unreasonable.

Why on earth it should break your heart if your son chooses to spend a miserable Christmas with his father defeats me. I can see no reason other than fanciful self-indulgence for you feeling like that.

You enjoy your Christmas with your DH and the rest of the family and do not waste a passing thought on either son or ex husband. They are both adults and can make decisions for themselves and live with the results if they aren't all they wanted.

I think this is a question of boundaries. Your husband has a right to draw his line in the sand and so do you. If it were my kids, I would tell them that they might not understand now but if they are ever in the same position as your husband, they will. It's one thing to be magnanimous and friendly with exes at weddings, christenings, etc., but another to spend Christmas together for no particular reason other than your ex hasn't sorted himself out.
If I told my children that it was important to me to back my husband because that is what a couple do with each other if they want their marriage to work, they would want what was best for me. Your son should want that for you.

As an ex wife with sons I’d say sorry son but your dad is no longer my problem as we divorced now he has his own family to go too. If your son chooses to go with his dad as an adult that is his choice. My sons used to go to their dads one Christmas and mine the next now both married with wife’s and kids of their own they invite us. I’m on my own so I’m off to my youngest my ex going to his own family my oldest going on holiday.

Over the years you make an effort for family weddings, christenings etc but l wouldn’t expect my husband to entertain my ex in our home neither would my children. We’ve attended a grandchild’s birthday party at my daughters home with ex also present and we’re sociable but l don’t understand why your children think that just because time has passed you should welcome him with open arms