In tears because of GD

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I replied to this poster on the first thread with much the same advice as most others. I find it strange that she has started a new thread with exactly the same complaints about her poor older GD after many of us replied to her first thread. 🤔

Cat among the pigeons here!
I fully understand how the eldest daughter feels , there does seem to be an unnecessary high level of excitement regarding the younger GDs engagement. No wonder the eldest is feeling miffed! However she is 39 years old for goodness sake!!!! I recognize she is not well and feeling all the attention is on her younger sister - I get that - but surely she should be able to muster a little enthusiasm and be happy for her sister? She is a grown woman not a 7 year old!
As for thinking she would refuse to be a bridesmaid, I would imagine that at pushing 40 that is last thing she wants - I agree that is a bizarre to thought. We do not understand the full story here , but I do have some understanding of how Yorkshire Queen is feeling. Judging by the posts I feel sure I am alone in my thoughts.

M0nica

Actually this thread isn't about the grand daughters, it is all about the OP (as was the last one). I think she is rather enjoying it.

Perhaps we shouldn't encourage her.

Although, like grandmother, like younger grand-daughter.
Peas in a pod.
Attention seekers.

Perhaps we shouldn't encourage her.
I agree.

I agree too.

I agree with Monica as well. I cannot see how the OP feels at all because I dont play favourites with my children/ Grandchildren.
I also have a feeling that the grandmother not only enjoys the attention, but I get the feeling she is the family s... stirrer.

If OP is still here,I wonder how the younger daughter - living at home, part time job- managed to save £80K if I have got the figures right, and older GD also living at home, part time job, didn’t?

RosiesMaw

If OP is still here,I wonder how the younger daughter - living at home, part time job- managed to save £80K if I have got the figures right, and older GD also living at home, part time job, didn’t?

I believe the OP posted that the oldest GD paid to live at home?

Oh dear, perhaps I should say eldest, that always confuses me.

Perhaps this situation is not genuine, but someone is trying to wind up everyone for their peculiar amusement?

Why exactly are you in tears? Is it because you feel sorry that your younger GD may be upset that her sister hasn't publicly shared in the happiness around her engagement? Is it because both GDs parents are upset that she hasn't shared in that? Or, and think carefully, is it because your feelings are more important than anyone else's. I feel very sorry for your elder GD - I just hope she isn't aware of your judgement of her and that you have chosen to share that (again) on here. If I'm wrong and you are actually worried about her and how she is feeling, then I apologise, but perhaps you should make that clear here and, more importantly, to her.

utterbliss

Perhaps this situation is not genuine, but someone is trying to wind up everyone for their peculiar amusement?

I agree, I cannot believe anyone can be this stupid, and if untrue not very clever either.

One other question - how exactly is your elder GD supposed to "show some grace" when it seems everyone around her is judging her? I wonder what her parents' take on all this is - you barely mention them. Are they "in tears?" Do they find it "embarrassing"?

This has made me impatient if it’s not true it’s a waste of time if it is true it’s totally unbelievable and YorkshireQueen needs some help

I do not like to think that Gransnetter's time and good natures are being wasted by this person. Glad you can see it too RAFICHAGRAM and BLUEBELL.

I’m taking this as face value and looking at practical ways the family could help GD1.

To answer RosieMaw’s question. From reading both threads, I believe OP said GD2 had been saving since her teens. Although she only works part time now due to mental health issues and earns about £9,000 pa that doesn’t necessarily mean she hasn’t, at some point, worked full time. Key is that she has not contributed anything to the household. Over say fifteen years from age 16 it would be possible to save at a rate of £5000 or more a year. I believe GD1 also has savings but has contributed housekeeping.

The crux seems to be that neither woman could afford a place of their own until now but now that GD2 has a boyfriend, that gives the two of them the scope to buy somewhere place to live whereas on her own, GD1 cannot and seemingly never will be able to.

I was thinking about possible solutions to this. OP says (on the first thread) that she visits her son’s house at least three times a week. That suggests she lives very close by. With a granddaughter almost 40, I’m thinking OP must be around 80. OP doesn’t mention a husband so I am assuming she is divorced or widowed. She needs to be thinking about her longevity and future care needs.

We do not know if the parents and OP own their own homes. If they do then there is scope for ordinary inheritance in the future.

If they are tenants in local authority or housing association properties, then there may be inheritance rights too. It depends on when the tenancy agreement began:

Before April 1 2012

You have succession rights if you live with your relative for at least a year immediately before their death.

On or after 1 April 2012

You have succession rights if the tenancy agreement says a close relative can succeed, and you meet the conditions in the agreement.

You may have to show you lived with the tenant for at least a year if you have succession rights.

A grandchild can inherit a tenancy.

If you inherit a property and it has more bedrooms than you need, you may be asked to move to a smaller property.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/council_housing_association/can_you_inherit_a_council_tenancy

Various permutations come to mind about how to give GD1 a bit of help toward having a home of her own including how to utilise the spare bedroom that GD2 will leave. Maybe it could be rented out to raise some extra cash to help her.

If OP has a tenancy, would it be possible for GD1 could move in with her grandmother to inherit the tenancy when she dies? I think an arrangement of this kind might go some way to compensating her for the unequal treatment the two daughters have had over so many years.

Just some lateral thinking. It doesn't help resolve the current tensions but might give GD1 a bit of hope for the future.

I will report all posts that accuse me of trolling as it is not fair.
All this with my youngest GD, the engagement and process of moving into a flat has come about very quickly. I have not amended my will to reflect this. I don't think my eldest GD will want to live with me though.
I think many here would secretly be upset if their eldest GD was the only one who didn't send an engagement card and that youngest GD couldn't tell us all in person she was getting engaged as she didn't know how her sister would react so had to text us instead and both her and her fiance now feel they have to stay out more and not come to the family home as much because of her. I don't see how anyone can say that wouldn't bother them.

Don't speak for other people, I would not be upset. You are UNBELIEVABLE now report me, as I really don't care.

I haven’t read your previous thread but you come over as thinking of your soon to be 40 GD as a 19th century spinster, this is how single older women were treated for centuries, she sounds calm and collected to me. You have celebrated your younger GD’s good fortune? so leave it at that. I sincerely hope no pressure is applied over bridesmaids or anything else.

YorkshireQueen don’t you understand that your reactions to your two grandaughters is so extreme and strange that some people can’t believe what you are saying.
We don’t know how your eldest has been treated over the years how incapacitated she is or how mentally well she is
Its absolutely nothing to do with you or the rest of the family whether the eldest sent a card, did a dance, or stood on her head with joy if the youngest wants to tackle it with her sister that’s up to her but absolutely NOTHING at all to do with you

If they don’t come to the family home so much that’s exactly as it should be they are moving on with life

You sound totally biased and over involved Let the two girls sort themselves out and keep out of it it’s nothing to do with you

keep out of it it’s nothing to do with you

This, plain and simple.

Eldest is not incapacitated. She has ulcerative colitis and rheumatoid arthritis but both are controlled well and you wouldn't even really know that she had them. Except she gets tired easily and has to pace herself but she has the ability to do whatever she wants. She needn't let these diseases hold her back.
I'm sorry but I do have an issue with my youngest feeling like she can't visit the family home. I do not favour the youngest but nobody is going to believe me on that.

My best wishes to you and your admirable elder grand daughter who is understandably tying to accept her lack of success as compared with her sibling. I expect she will make good progress , as already she has accepted the situation as it is.
I do like her for being such a realist!

If you get a chance maybe you can say to her she is loved unconditionally.

YorkshireQueen

Eldest is not incapacitated. She has ulcerative colitis and rheumatoid arthritis but both are controlled well and you wouldn't even really know that she had them. Except she gets tired easily and has to pace herself but she has the ability to do whatever she wants. She needn't let these diseases hold her back.
I'm sorry but I do have an issue with my youngest feeling like she can't visit the family home. I do not favour the youngest but nobody is going to believe me on that.

I'm sorry but I do have an issue with my youngest feeling like she can't visit the family home.

I don't understand why not.
If the older sister stays in her room why can the younger and her partner not visit her parents?

Could you explain why?

Ulcerative colitis and rheumatoid arthritis? Your poor older DGD. It might be under control but they are both extremely nasty conditions which could flare up unexpectedly at any time.

I feel even more sorry for her now you have explained.