Care home thoughts

I'd hate it, and I'm sociable. The thought of going into a care home and being forgotten about terrifies me.

Has anyone had experience of buying and living in a retirement apartment. I am 77 and have recently lost my husband, feeling a bit lonely and have considered buying one of these apartments after selling my house. It is early days yet and I haven't committed to anything but have had some negative opinions, eg. ground rent and maintenance charges going up quite a lot and people being unable to afford it anymore, not being allowed to do any improvements in your own home, being hard to sell these properties if you did have to go into a care home and having to pay the charges even if you are not living here. All very scary, I did like the idea of someone always being around and perhaps having a social life round my home but now I am not so sure. Any comments

I visit a lady in her 90s in a care home just a 10 minute walk from her home. She had to sell it to pay for her care.

She has a lovely large room overlooking the gardens with her own en suite. She has kept her old telephone number and she is really good on the internet. Last time I went she was waiting for new hearing aids as her current ones are hopeless.

The home is a large, former country house and I guess about 25 people live there. She gets lots of visitors and some take her out for a drive and coffee/cake. She says she is very happy there but obviously there is nowhere like your own home. She accepts that she is not safe at home.

Quote Missiseff Sun 20-Oct-24 14:26:11
I'd hate it, and I'm sociable. The thought of going into a care home and being forgotten about terrifies me.

Why do you think your family would forget you ?

Nobody in the care home I visit is forgotten about. There's always something going on if people want to join in or it's fine if they prefer to stay in their rooms or find a quiet spot. Staff, visitors and volunteers keep an eye on everybody.

Definitely the case one would need to inspect them VERY carefully if it came to it.

I was in the position of having had to move to Wales (long story) and my parents were still both back in south-west England. My erstwhile brother and his wife were given all the stuff like "power of attorney"/basically made arrangements all round. Cue for we only managed to agree on two things:

1. my mother would refuse pointblank to go into any carehome ever (no matter what it was like) - as she's basically rather antisocial and likes things her way. So I insisted it must be the best carer firm available that would go in for several visits a day to her home and shopping was done online for her, etc.

2. My father had it made very plain to him by social services whilst he was "bed-blocking" in an NHS hospital that he was going to be made to go in a carehome regardless and my mother (his wife) didn't want him home anyway (!) and so I was the one that belted back to England to personally inspect any nearby carehomes that had made it through my online analysis of them all. From this - it is very necessary indeed to personally inspect any "possibles". My erstwhile sister-in-law was fixed on one - until she got it pointed out very strongly by me that it was right by a very busy road and that our parents home was 10 minutes walk away from it (after crossing that road) and I know my father well enough to know he'd have been out there trying to do so. Also I went through the home and barely saw anyone and did see various trip hazards and the like. I also saw two others where there was barely any sign of staff and I couldnt see any residents and they felt dire to me as well.

In the end I went into a modern purpose-built one - complete with handrails, sensory stimulation room (whatever that was - but it obviously meant they were trying), I could see various people living there and carers working there. When I spotted that there were a noticeable number of people walking up to the woman in charge as she showed me round and she instantly remembered their name and knew what they were likely to be concerned about I was veering in that direction. I then saw one of the people get obviously upset about something and a carer promptly sat down by her and put an arm around her = my decision was made on the spot.

It was rather unnerving that I had to make that decision all on my own and in the knowledge that the one I'd chosen was almost certainly the most expensive and my erstwhile brother/sister-in-law refused to give me any idea whatsoever what my parents financial situation was and I just had to think "Well - They can't chuck my mother out of her home whilst she still needs it and They can't sell it over everyone's head ditto. If it comes to it - then They will have to grab their house after my mother no longer needs it. But at least there is a fair bit of money in the house that They can grab if it comes to it to pay for a carehome - so it should last some time if need be". So I had no idea whether my - obviously expensive - choice could be funded!!! But I chose it - and I argued determinedly for it - and got it.

In the event - I'd just literally picked it in time before They announced "Covid" Lockdown and he was in there. Unfortunately, I never got to visit him in there - as by then They had stopped everyone doing everything and it was the initial "2 weeks" period They said Lockdown would be for. I believed them when they said it would be for "2 weeks" and decided to go back to visit just after that 2 weeks was over and we were back to normal again - only to realise about 4 days after the end of that "2 weeks" that no-one had officially announced it was over and we were back to normal again and They intended to keep Lockdown going for "who knows how much longer". So I was never able to see how things worked out in practice - and just had to cross my fingers they were treating him humanely and weren't forcing him to have "those jabs" or keeping him isolated.

Watching what happened in so many carehomes then and being shocked and horrified at forced jabs/waving through windows trying to hold "conversations"/etc was the final straw in my own personal decision that I will never go into one myself.

I'd bought a bungalow here anyway (more by accident than design), put a large walk-in shower in anyway instead of the bath whilst I was renovating the house. If the worst came to the worst one of my two options would be = throw money at it. Throw money at paying someone to do housework for me/throw money at paying for cooked meals to be delivered to me/etc.

I like company - but Lockdown showed me very clearly how many people like to "fit in" and I'm a questioner and certainly not someone who tries to "fit in" for the sake of it. So even the best of homes wouldn't suit me anyway...and hence part of why I wouldnt even consider going into one. If I spotted a bad system = I'd be working out a better one and wondering why if no-one would even consider it. If They did another Lockdown I'd "go on the run" quick and get out. All round - I'm too much of a thinker and too non-conformist to even contemplate the idea myself.

CariadAgain you'd fit right in at the care home I visit. There's a residents association which meets regularly and points out anything people are not happy with or improvements they suggest. These are listened to and acted on. It's a very calm happy place. I have no axe to grind. I just observe and note as I go around.

Again I can only speak of the Nursing Home where I live, I have a large room with patio doors leading out to a secluded part of the gardens, my own telephone, am on the internet,
Activities arrange much , I am not able to join any at the moment because of a spine problem, I always loved gardening
because I cannot go into the garden, hopefully I will soon, the
gardener comes to my room every week to chat about the gardens here.
I live in Wales so yes we have visits from a choir, quiz nights,
there is a pub, a kitchen for residents who want to do a bit of
baking.a cinema, Art classes ,poetry reading evenings, craft work afternoons , so many activities to take part in or not.

Aveline

CariadAgain you'd fit right in at the care home I visit. There's a residents association which meets regularly and points out anything people are not happy with or improvements they suggest. These are listened to and acted on. It's a very calm happy place. I have no axe to grind. I just observe and note as I go around.

That's absolutely how things should be indeed - ie a residents association for communal decisions to be made communally. So as long as "Mrs Always Tries to get her own way regardless" is kept an eye on (as there's always one of them.....).

I've seen another carehome years before that was of the good variety and my aunt (no I mean my grandmother!) had her own en suite room, it was modern, the funeral at the end was held in a large room they kept specially for functions, there was a little library right next door, etc. I did note favourably that the woman in charge and her sidekick came to the funeral as well.

But I'd still never go into one myself - no matter what the financial situation was - if only because my diet is vegetarian/healthy/trying new things regularly and I want my home totally silent (which my house is) and I would anticipate some level of being "watched over" and I wouldnt be able to "keep my options open" to decide my body had got to a level of illness I wouldnt live with and so I'd better "exit stage left" so to say (as someone would probably try and save me.....).

BA69

Has anyone had experience of buying and living in a retirement apartment. I am 77 and have recently lost my husband, feeling a bit lonely and have considered buying one of these apartments after selling my house. It is early days yet and I haven't committed to anything but have had some negative opinions, eg. ground rent and maintenance charges going up quite a lot and people being unable to afford it anymore, not being allowed to do any improvements in your own home, being hard to sell these properties if you did have to go into a care home and having to pay the charges even if you are not living here. All very scary, I did like the idea of someone always being around and perhaps having a social life round my home but now I am not so sure. Any comments

My mum will be moving into a retirement property tomorrow! It is a wonderful place, yes the maintenance isn’t cheap but she can make home improvements if she wants to. She knows a few people in there already and my sisters and I have had glowing reports from our friends who have relatives there. If you can afford it I would say do it.