To Have Or Not To Have Children

It is believed by many that if he had lived longer Pope John XXIII was going changed the rules about contraception. He was from a poor background and understood how difficult life could be with too many children.

Emelie321

Every child should be wanted and loved.Fortunately, these days it is easier to be open about any negative feelings on this matter, and to make what you think will be the right decision for you - and your partner / spouse, if you have one.
However, there are still many who do want a child of their own - and then discover for one biological reason or another that it is not that easy. And have to accept that - in spite of IVF and other scientific advances- it is not going to happen. For that reason alone we should all refrain from having expectations of others, and making what could be hurtful comments.

Housing and childcare costs these days can be astronomical, and not everyone has free childcare on tap from grandparents. These are serious concerns for responsible people.

And our world once again seems to be entering a very dangerous phase. But wars, plagues and famine have always been with us throughout history.Children have been our hope for the future, and given meaning and purpose to our lives over centuries.

I do now think myself that there are opportunity costs to whatever people decide, which may not become evident for many years.I had a good relationship with my own mother; but put off having my own children with my husband for a number of years because she told me how bitterly she resented having to give up her first professional job and her independence after marriage to my father - an older man.And then having children in her early twenties - in a home hundreds of miles away from the rest of her family.

Having my own - always much loved - children I will admit was sometimes boring, not infrequently stressful, and from time to time worrying. They undoubtedly limited to some degree my career choices and opportunities to travel. (This last,you will not be surprised to learn, did not happen to my now ex husband!)

But they and theirs are the best things in my life. To see them happy and making a contribution to society has given me great satisfaction. I have no regrets.

Our post war generation was perhaps the first to have any real choices in this regard. I have a number of good friends who chose career, freedom and travel over family - and have lived very interesting, high achieving and worthwhile lives. Good for them.I admire them all.

But I am increasingly seeing that, as they enter into older age - and especially when they become ill or disabled - they no longer run the world as they once did. Whether you have your own children or not,in later life a failure to care for others and invest in close relationships over the years comes at a price.

I am afraid you have made a 'hurtful comment' yourself in your suggestion that those who have prioritised freedom and travel etc now somehow 'deserve' lonliness and feeling uncared for in old age. You may not have said it directly, but it is strongly implied. There is a smug undertone to your post which is deeply upsetting to those who do not have children either by choice, or in my case, by circumstance. You have just made me sob out loud.

theworriedwell

It is believed by many that if he had lived longer Pope John XXIII was going changed the rules about contraception. He was from a poor background and understood how difficult life could be with too many children.

Yes, I think I remember that now.

My DD who would have been 53 decided when married not to have children. Even 20 years ago she felt there were too many people in the world using too many resources. She did like children and enjoyed having her niece and nephew to stay.

@Emelie321 My apologies, I do see now that you say 'whether you have your own children or not' which presumably means you think it is possible to be a kind and caring person and to invest in relationships regardless of whether you have children yourself. I hope that is what I can do. It's just that I am short of places to direct my love or care. I am an only child, so have very little family (no nieces or nephews etc)

I have one lovely daughter who is special as I had cervical cancer in situ so had a hysterectomy when she was six months. She has chosen not to have children . She never wanted to be pregnant but did consider the adoption route but that did not work out. I would have liked another child but am happy with being alive and seeing my girl become a very professional, thoughtful, caring person. Parenthood is not for everybody and we cannot judge

A number of people at my club have had no children and they enjoy life, chatter and travel just like the rest. No difference and quite often they are less burdened by wayward kids and extended family and their problems which no one wants to hear about anyway. Good for them.

I never intended to have children. We were both only children and I knew very little about them. I'd never even held a baby. However one accidental pregnancy produced our daughter and she turned out to be such fun we had another. Every time my son plunges into another disaster he says "Remember, I'm the one you wanted to have"! And now my life revolves round three lovely grandsons.

I know it's not a reason for having children but, during the nine years my husband had cancer,my life would have been awful without them.

The decision to have a child is a woman's and only hers. It is her body that must undergo pregnancy, a delivery, possible loss of control over bodily functions for the rest of her life. It's not a woman's partner's decision. But if a woman truly feels she doesn't want to have children biologically then she should discuss this with her partner before marriage or commitment. This is where things go wrong, and partners feel cheated when the question comes up, and then subsequently put pressure upon the woman to become pregnant when she's terrified of being a mother. As a psychotherapist I see so many women especially in their mid-thirties who really don't want children yet feel they are constantly bombarded with questions and asked to give reasons for their decisions. This is enough to send them into therapy with feelings of guilt and beliefs that somehow they are incomplete in the eye of society. I have only ever had three clients who wish they had had children after deciding not to, and in these cases it was because their partners had died and they felt 'lonely'. Not a good enough reason to have a child I feel.

I accept that there are people who don’t want children, but I simply can’t imagine feeling like that. If I hadn’t been able to have them, I’d have been absolutely heartbroken.

GoldenAge

The decision to have a child is a woman's and only hers. It is her body that must undergo pregnancy, a delivery, possible loss of control over bodily functions for the rest of her life. It's not a woman's partner's decision. But if a woman truly feels she doesn't want to have children biologically then she should discuss this with her partner before marriage or commitment. This is where things go wrong, and partners feel cheated when the question comes up, and then subsequently put pressure upon the woman to become pregnant when she's terrified of being a mother. As a psychotherapist I see so many women especially in their mid-thirties who really don't want children yet feel they are constantly bombarded with questions and asked to give reasons for their decisions. This is enough to send them into therapy with feelings of guilt and beliefs that somehow they are incomplete in the eye of society. I have only ever had three clients who wish they had had children after deciding not to, and in these cases it was because their partners had died and they felt 'lonely'. Not a good enough reason to have a child I feel.

Thank you for sharing this. It is an interesting insight. I don't have children - more by circumstance than choice. I worry so much about being lonely and unloved in later life, but as you say, that isn't a good enough reason to being a child into the world.

I’m not sure I completely agree with what you say GoldenAge. A woman has the right to choose whether or not to have a child, but I believe a man also has the same right. It’s important for couples to be completely honest about their wishes, and not to feel trapped by a partner who wants something different to them. Men can be trapped into having children they don’t want too.

It's possible to be lonely and unloved later in life when you've had children Strawberriesandpears.

Grandma70s

I accept that there are people who don’t want children, but I simply can’t imagine feeling like that. If I hadn’t been able to have them, I’d have been absolutely heartbroken.

As would I, despite mine driving me completely batty!

Smileless2012

It's possible to be lonely and unloved later in life when you've had children Strawberriesandpears.

So it seems.

It's possible to be lonely and unloved later in life when you've had children

Which must be a 1000x worse I’m sure.

Smileless2012

It's possible to be lonely and unloved later in life when you've had children Strawberriesandpears.

Oh absolutely I know. It's just that by not having chikdren, I have guaranteed that for myself.

You can’t rely on your children to be your sole source of love and company. They have their own lives. It’s unkind and selfish to expect them to prop you up in later life. Great if they do, by choice, of course but they don’t come with a guarantee.

Barleyfields

You can’t rely on your children to be your sole source of love and company. They have their own lives. It’s unkind and selfish to expect them to prop you up in later life. Great if they do, by choice, of course but they don’t come with a guarantee.

Oh absolutely I agree with that. I just don't know where else you can earn love and support from. I plan to maybe move to a retirement village though, where there will hopefully be others in the same situation.

You’re only young, as I recall, in your 30s. You earn love by showing love to others. My parents have been dead for many years. I have no siblings. I have a husband but who knows which of us will go first. His only sibling is dead. I have a child who is married with children of his own but doesn’t live near me. I’m 74 and I’m certainly not planning to live in a retirement village - my idea of hell. Anyway this has already been discussed at length on another thread you started and I don’t want to derail this one.

Never had a broody moment, never wanted children, never regretted my choice, grateful to live ar a time and in a place where I could make that choice. Not a career type either, being myself is enough. In the early days virtually everyone said I would change my mind. It's good now to see women who make that choice being considered as normal.

Barleyfields

You’re only young, as I recall, in your 30s. You earn love by showing love to others. My parents have been dead for many years. I have no siblings. I have a husband but who knows which of us will go first. His only sibling is dead. I have a child who is married with children of his own but doesn’t live near me. I’m 74 and I’m certainly not planning to live in a retirement village - my idea of hell. Anyway this has already been discussed at length on another thread you started and I don’t want to derail this one.

I definitely agree with that. I do think fears about old she are valid when you have no children or any other younger relatives to look out for you though. What happens if you get dementia etc? Who steps in to help. That is why I wish to live in a retirement village where there would be professional carers on site and where I could access different levels of care if / when my needs change.

Ok. Just stop thinking about it and live your life.

My daughter is 30 now. She has always said that she didn't want children. Her and her husband are very happy with the way their lives are and enjoy just being themselves, with their dog. I totally respect that. She loves children and enjoys being with her friends children. They just doesn't want their own. One of their main reasons is not wanting to bring children into the world as it is now. I totally understand that.
My son does have a child, my little grandson. My daughter jokingly says that him having a child takes the pressure off her to give me a grandchild. All in good humour of course.

One of my lot had her first and last baby at 39. She is now 6 and I have a great grandchild of 13 and another one who is also 6. Life can be strange. We just call them all cousins.