To Have Or Not To Have Children

I wan't especially interested in becoming a mother when I was first married, but eventually realised that I would like to have children. My husband was keen too and my wonderful daughter was born. Then he said, "Just the one. We're not having any more". He was an only child while I had an older sister. I really would have liked another child, although I am not sure we could have afforded it. So she remained an only child. However, we could not be closer. She moved to New Zealand with her first love, which didn't work out, not least because she was far too young to make that decision. I looked after my ageing mother back in the UK, while making occasional visits across the globe. After my mother's death I moved to New Zealand and my daughter and I have resumed are close relationship. I have six grandchildren – some more lovable than others – and couldn't be happier.

To accuse someone of being selfish for not having children (unless the partner wants them) is ridiculous. Who is she being selfish to? The decision is hers and her partner/dh. I have two children and two grandchildren and love them of course. However another member of the family decided not to have children as her partner made it clear that if she did it would be her responsibility to care for them. Yes really what you want to hear! Also she added she looked at me and another member of the family who had young children and obviously what she saw was not appealing. However, as the years have gone by and seen our family grow up I feel she misses what we have. That being so she has also swerved some of the worries we have had and she definitely looks younger and hasn’t had her body subjected to problems relating to child birth as I have had. It’s all about choice and is definitely not the subject for judgement or questions.

I have middle-aged "step children" through my husband but no children of my own.
I do wish people would stop blathering on about being" childless" or "childfree", I am simply someone who didn't have children.
To be brutally honest I was never permanently partered with anyone during my childbearing years , there was not the socio-economic flexibility( including in the workplace) to contemplate being a single parent and , overwhemingly , I expected to support myself and to put a roof over my own head , so I simply couldn't afford it.
I'm not jealous (a) of other people's children or (b)of the fact that they had children when I didn't and I don't dislike children per se.
I don't at all mind having children around provided that their parents control them and they behave reasonably well. I don't find difficult the degree to which modern parents seem to be obssessed with their children but I do find difficult that they criticise me, through a lot of indirect whingeing ,because I'm not obssessed to the same degree.
I had a different life which I was perfectly happy with and I do wish people would stop banging on about "parenting".
Get on with it.
Incidentally I've been paying taxes for about 52 years and will continue to do so, probably, until I die. I don't at all mind contributing to state support for children and their parents as I'm just giving back what I received from the state as a child but I have always chosen to work. Some do not.

At least these days women have a choice which once , if they married at all , they rarely did . It’s absolutely nobody’s business and certainly not that of the prospective grand parents.

I suppose its one way of ensuring no one gets a stafe pension in the next generation. Unless of course all the immigrants start working 🤣🤣🤣

I had to work and did all the way thru bringing up 3 lovely boys . I did night duty as a registered nurse and slept when I could , then later school hours . I feel as if I will be tired forever but at that time helped run a school chess club , beavers , playgroup and did the school fete disco for 11 years plus many school trips as was deemed to be always available as not at work in the day . Also seemed to have to study for several diplomas and a registered sick children’s registration . Couldn’t do that again ! If I hadn’t have done that would not be in this house now . I knew a few nurses who lost their homes to repossession when the interest rates on mortgages went really high in the late 80’s and we had moved from the north to south of England at that time . I know of one former colleague never owned a house again after being repossessed . 🏠 some mothers have to work and circumstances change but that was our choice and we had no helped from my dead in laws , my bonkers mother who ran off with a very young man when we were teenagers or my father with his very possessive older lady friend who refused my sister and I entry to their flat Dad paid all the bills for . I help my two boys who have children now and feel very blessed indeed to do so . But the third boy who doesn’t want kids we are very close to and it’s his choice not ours .

It is nobody else's business ifpeople don't want children neither do those people need to give a reason.

One of my DAC has never wanted children. The have had problems with relationships due to various partners thinking they would change their mind, and it didn't happen. Their reason is they don't want the responsibility of another human being.
Also my hairdresser before I moved here ended up divorced after 8 years because her husband kept trying to change her mind about wanting children.
If you're with someone who doesn't want children you need to accept that it's forever in most cases. They aren't going to change

All women aren’t maternal and some don’t find out until they have a child.
I know 2 such women, one being my exDiL.
My H and I had a huge part to play in bringing up my GD.
As I said up thread she doesn’t want children, she worries that she will be the same as her M.
I applaud and support her decision.

Allira

TerriBull

I was annoyed with the Pope a while back, when he said that people should stop having dogs (not literally) and have children. Sorry I know you're poorly at the moment Pope, and essentially we human beings are here on this earth to propagate the species, but it's up to the individual. People, and in particular women should be free to make their own choices about the matter and no one should be guilt tripped into having children if that's not for them and with the state of the world at the moment, I can't say I blame anyone for not wanting to go forth and procreate.

The only way to save this Earth is for the population to decrease, not increase.

I've never understood why Popes and Catholic priests, who are supposedly celibate, are so keen for women to keep producing children, especially when many are too poor to feed the ones they already have.

Allira, the reason is quite simple

More children= more Catholics

I was raised RC although I am now lapsed.

I was very happy as an only child and suddenly aged 10 mum decided to surprise my step dad with my sister. Dad didn’t want anymore children as he had three with his first wife. I told him all excited that mum was having a baby. She hadn’t told him! My new baby sister was doted on by mum but dad wasn’t keen and took long work contracts abroad. This all put me off having children. My first husband didn’t seem to mind and as soon as we signed the marriage certificate gave up his lucrative job and said he expected me to support him. When I eventually took the risk of marrying again aged 30 I made it very clear I didn’t want children and had just been turned down by my GP for sterilisation. She thought I might change my mind, At 37 I was asked by my husband if I realised it was the last chance to change my mind. After 20 years on the pill I was confident I wouldn’t fall pregnant so reluctantly agreed to try. Six months later I was pregnant and petrified. Thought I would never go to the cinema again, on holiday, to a pub etc. Fast forward. Who do I do these things with? My wonderful son and now with his fiancée.
I posted because I can see both sides clearly. People shouldn’t judge.

I knew from my early teens (having seen my grandmother's house taken over by fractious baby cousins and having the whole place stink of formula milk and nappies) that I would never want children. I am now 78 and have never regretted my decision. My partner - of 37 years - had been married before so he didn't want a second family. I sometimes wish there were someone to fetch and carry for me, but, maybe they wouldn't have wanted to!

When I married for the first time we were both very young. We both worked hard to save enough to buy a house and immediately my MIL started to nag about grandchildren. She even wrote to me once saying that it was my duty to give her grandchildren! We were both progressing in our careers and were able to afford nice holidays etc. so really didn’t feel we wanted children at that stage but she kept on and on making our relationship with her very difficult.After 17 years our marriage broke up as he had an affair and I met my lovely 2nd DH. To my surprise I fell pregnant with my DD and, even though it was a shock at the time, I have never regretted it for one moment. We have been married now for 42 years and also have a very precious GD. Incidentally Ex went on to have two children, giving the old bat her desired GC but she then fell out with him and wife so she rarely saw them!
My attitude is if you don’t want children don’t be pressurised it’s your decision and no one else’s. However I am very glad I did.

An interesting thread and some refreshing responses! I am childfree. I had an abusive childhood and no maternal instinct. 30 years ago I used to get sick of the expectant pause from people after I said I didn't have children. You felt you had to give some sort of reason for not having children.

My husband had 2 children from a former short lived marriage. They lived the other side of the country. When they visited it was a further reason for not having children!

My eyes glaze over when many contemporaries are obsessed with talking about their grandchildren. They don't seem to have any other interests or hobbies and are exhausted from looking after them.

I have a younger friend with a lovely boy but she is continually anxious about him, especially social media, bullying etc. It is not a nice environment now compared to the 1960's. Even though I had an abusive childhood I had lots of friends and could spend time with them or playing in the woods and fields, out on my bike, less traffic and I enjoy those memories.

I don't regret my decision and it is good to read so many non-judgemental responses.

I considered having an abortion when I found out that I was pregnant. Now that I'm getting huge and can feel my son's strong kicks, I'm glad that I chose to have him.

I now tend to feel sorry for those who chose not to have children, and that's because I am now old and widowed and alone. I don't live near any of them as life has worked out, but I am in touch with them all the time. If they didn't exist where would that unquestioning love that I give and receive be channelled? To me, they are the greatest achievement of my long life and I'm so glad that we decided to have them - and that they too have had children and indeed that those children have started to produce another generation. Will the old and childless experience the same joy and reciprocated feeling of love once their life partners have died and they have reached advanced old age? And no, I'm not advocating having children as a guarantee of happiness in old age! I suppose you can't miss what you've never had.
Anyway, as most have said - it's their decision and theirs alone. I just think the decision should come with a health warning.

Taichinan

I now tend to feel sorry for those who chose not to have children, and that's because I am now old and widowed and alone. I don't live near any of them as life has worked out, but I am in touch with them all the time. If they didn't exist where would that unquestioning love that I give and receive be channelled? To me, they are the greatest achievement of my long life and I'm so glad that we decided to have them - and that they too have had children and indeed that those children have started to produce another generation. Will the old and childless experience the same joy and reciprocated feeling of love once their life partners have died and they have reached advanced old age? And no, I'm not advocating having children as a guarantee of happiness in old age! I suppose you can't miss what you've never had.
Anyway, as most have said - it's their decision and theirs alone. I just think the decision should come with a health warning.

I am childless by circumstance and fully expect to have a lonely and miserable old age. You have confirmed this will be the case.

You have misunderstood Strawberries. Read taichin’s post again. She is not lonely or miserable. You really need to get a grip on this, as I have said more than once.

Barleyfields

You have misunderstood Strawberries. Read taichin’s post again. She is not lonely or miserable. You really need to get a grip on this, as I have said more than once.

I know she isn't lonely or miserable, but she put that down to having children and grandchildren!

Taichinan

I now tend to feel sorry for those who chose not to have children, and that's because I am now old and widowed and alone. I don't live near any of them as life has worked out, but I am in touch with them all the time. If they didn't exist where would that unquestioning love that I give and receive be channelled? To me, they are the greatest achievement of my long life and I'm so glad that we decided to have them - and that they too have had children and indeed that those children have started to produce another generation. Will the old and childless experience the same joy and reciprocated feeling of love once their life partners have died and they have reached advanced old age? And no, I'm not advocating having children as a guarantee of happiness in old age! I suppose you can't miss what you've never had.
Anyway, as most have said - it's their decision and theirs alone. I just think the decision should come with a health warning.

I am also intrigued as to what the 'health warning' should be. Presumably that loneliness kills. I have heard that said before.

I just think the decision should come with a health warning

I agree. All babies should come with a health warning.

The warning should read "This sweet cuddly baby will become a terrible two, a thunderous three then later on a Teenager with all that entails 👹 Beware!"

Allira

^I just think the decision should come with a health warning^

I agree. All babies should come with a health warning.

The warning should read "This sweet cuddly baby will become a terrible two, a thunderous three then later on a Teenager with all that entails 👹 Beware!"

Not forgetting that all their troubles and woes through life will be your troubles and woes. Once a mother always a mother.
I naively thought as a young mum that once they reached 18 I wouldn't have to worry about them. How wrong I was.

"Will the old and childless experience the same joy and reciprocated feeling of love once their life partners have died and they have reached advanced old age?"

The most wonderful lady I've ever met was my childless great aunt. When she was very old she was surrounded by lifelong friends, beloved neighbours and extended family. She couldn't possibly have been more loved if she'd had children of her own.

She said to me that her most heartening moments were when all the many seats around her table were filled with people she had chosen as friends and who had chosen her.

Churchview

"Will the old and childless experience the same joy and reciprocated feeling of love once their life partners have died and they have reached advanced old age?"

The most wonderful lady I've ever met was my childless great aunt. When she was very old she was surrounded by lifelong friends, beloved neighbours and extended family. She couldn't possibly have been more loved if she'd had children of her own.

She said to me that her most heartening moments were when all the many seats around her table were filled with people she had chosen as friends and who had chosen her.

This is absolutely lovely! Thank you so much for sharing. I hope this is how my life will turn out. I do my very best to be a good friend. I can't help that I have little to no family. So I try to pour my heart into other relationships. Not everyone is lucky enough to have children (and let's face it - a lot of it is down to luck like meeting a partner at the right time, not suffering from fertility issues). Just because some of us haven't experienced that luck, doesn't mean we deserve to be old, sad, alone and lacking loving relationships. Especially if we are kind and thoughtful people. Thank you again. That's a boost of positivity which I much needed!

I don't have children or a large extended family either Strawberriesandpears. They do say that friends are like the family that you chose for yourself and that's exactly how I feel about the friends I love and treasure.