Bully from school

45 years is a long time to bear a grudge.

Casdon

By all means if you feel you must, tell her.

I don’t believe it will bring you any satisfaction or closure though, because however she reacts, it will not assuage the hurt and anger which has lived with you for 45 years, nor will it help you to move on, you’ll just be adding another conversation to your memory bank to go over and over in your mind.

I wouldn’t put myself through that, but only you can decide what’s right for you.

Th OP is assuming that the woman who bullied her will give a damn what effect her behaviour had on OP. I suspect her memory will be of a bit of school girl ragging and she will be disregarding of the lifetime effect her behaviour had on you.

I am another who suffered severe bullying at school. In my case because I had a medical condtion and a small group of girls thought it funny to beat me up in a way that aggravated this medical problem.

I have met them as adults and I genuinely think that they actually have little or no memory of what they did to me and if they did, the last thing I am going to do is give them the possible pleasure of knowing that their behaviour affects me still. It doesn't because right from the start I was determined to show them that I was stronger than them, by shrugging off their assaults and taking action that made them less frequent.

If the OP confronts the bully, all she will be doing is giving the bully the opportunity of knowing how effective her bullying was.

Her best policy is to just blank her, not recognise her or remember her if anyone tries to jog her memory.

Thistle2016

Thank you everyone for your response but I am going for my gut response which is to acknowledge her appalling unacceptable behaviour which has impacted on my life and that you have no concept of but are happy to contribute your appalling lack of awareness to - so yay you your to your life !!!

Do what you want to do Thistle2016 . I’m baffled really as to why you posted, because you seem not to like some of the replies advocating caution. Bullying is awful, a lot of us have experienced it, but as I say, do as you wish. Please do not be rude to posters who have offered suggestions. If those suggestions don’t suit, ignore them, but no need to be unpleasant to posters trying to help.

I hope I'm not going to that social occasion.

I think you will do exactly what you intend to do regardless of those around you. Do not know why you asked in the first place. Your response says more about you. Just glad it's not my celebration you see attending.

Allsorts

I think you will do exactly what you intend to do regardless of those around you. Do not know why you asked in the first place. Your response says more about you. Just glad it's not my celebration you see attending.

Agreed.

TBH, Thistle, I feel psychotherapy would be more helpful for your future wellbeing than a public confrontation with your nemesis.
As others have said, you may spoil someone's special event and where would be the satisfaction in that?

Thistle for your own sake you really need to find a way to get over this childhood bullying.
I’m sure it was unpleasant for you at the time but honestly, still allowing the memory to dominate your life as an adult is not healthy at all.

Also as others have said it really is not a good idea to confront the woman if you do see her at the social event.

It could well be that she won’t remember you at all which would probably make you feel worse.

Thistle2016

Oh dear magneta8 I cannot comprehend how you can compare my experiences to yours so please do not do so. My life was destroyed by this individual if anyone has not realised my request it is just that they acknowledge their actions, please read and read again before they reply

Thistle, you are reliving the bully's past agenda.

Their agenda was to control you. You were not destroyed, you are alive, you survived.

You cannot control them. IF you demand they acknowledge or apologise for their behaviour; you're setting yourself up to be on the receiving end of mocking refusal, denial, further hurt and resentment . Once again, Bully rules and you lose.

They had power over you 45 years ago; don't give it back to them. YOU are strong now.

If you want their humble cringing apology written in their tears and blood ; you can have it . It's literally at your fingertips. DIY. Script the ultimate Bully apology in your own words. No holds barred, you're in control. Make them crawl and choke in shame and guilt.

Write it on paper, whatever you want to hear. Sign it from them. Screw it up, set fire to it, throw the ashes in the loo, shit on it, and flush it away.

This time, you got everything your own way. You won.

I agree with Kitty and others, ignore her, or greet her graciously, don’t let think she’s been important in your life.
Also remember. She was just a child, no excuses foy bullying ever, but she’s probably a very different person now.

Allira

I hope I'm not going to that social occasion.

It could be fun.

Thistle2016

Hello everyone I do not have any consideration how they feel only how I feel
F them so why is there is this issue and please no issue required

If they are for real, the above post says everything we need to know about the OP.

Frankly I would pretend not to remember her. That would probably hurt her more than confronting her. Just say something like. “Oh I’m so sorry I don’t remember you, did you say we went to the same school”?

What sort of event is it? If it is a friends celebration then I wouldn't want to spoil it by having a confrontation there - I would go and just politely say hello if our paths crossed at the event and leave it at that.

If it's one of those school reunion events, could you just not go? My old school held one a few years back but I had no interest in attending whatsoever!

Bearing a grudge over a long time is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

I just feel really sorry for the OP. All those years hating and bearing a grudge, when her time could have been spent enjoying and being happy in life.

Someone bullied her viciously at school, despite her belief that what happened to her was uniquely awful, in fact many others were vilely and viciously bullied at school. Most of us left school, and despite the scars left by bullying, we cast it away and went on to enjoy life and used our experience to be very prtective of others.

There are some people, who seem happiest when consumed with hate. I have a friend whose whole life has been consumed by a hatred of men because her father was abusive. It destroyed her marriage and her relationship with her son and her view of everything in life from politics, to the quality of food, everything is governed by this all-consuming hatred of man. As a result she has few friends and a rather lonely life.

The OP seems anoher such.

The problem with school bullies is that they can wreck your time at school, make learning difficult and even result in school refusal. So yes, I can wreck your life too.

It's difficult to know how to deal with school bullies when children are reluctant to tell parents, when schools are ineffective in dealing with the bullies and the best thing is to try to rise above it, if not at school then making you stronger to deal with adversity as an adult. Not easy but it is the best way.

Be the better person.

So yes, I can wreck your life too.
!!!

So yes, it can wreck your life too

I think as folk have suggested upthread, it would be better to dismiss the 'control' this bully still has over you, instead of putting yourself back into a position where the abuse might be revived.
I agree with Allira, and Einna, that was a crackin' quote.

Einna

Bearing a grudge over a long time is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

👍

TBH I’d just say a cool hello, and move on.

While on holiday in her early 20s, at a buzzing nightclub abroad, a dd once bumped into the 2 little bitches who’d bullied her at school.
At first it was all nice and sweet fake-friendly, but dd then went back to her own friends, saying, ‘God, I wish I’d told them what I really think of them!’
And ((having had a few drinks by then) she did!

She could be decidedly fiery once roused, and really let rip. The two were too overwhelmed to say anything much but a male friend who was with them said something like, ‘Hey, steady on..’.
She turned to him with flashing eyes and told him to stay out of it!
She phoned me next day to tell me about it, saying, ‘Ooh, it was lovely!’

I don't think it is a matter of bearing a grudge, the damage bullying does is far greater than simply causing the victim to ' bear a grudge' prolonged and extensive bullying stays with the victim for ever! However I am not convinced that confronting the bully at a school reunion is the answer.
Thistle, I recognise that your pain remains and that what happened in school has had a devastating and profound effect on you - so I am not going to suggest you move on or stop bearing a grudge or get over it . I know the damage is too deep rooted for that!
However have you thought about seeing a counsellor? A few sessions can work wonders and help you through this. If you decide on this course of action do ensure you make an appointment with an accredited counsellor- any one can call themselves a ' counsellor ' . Your GP practice may have one. I wish you peace of mind and good luck. 💐💐

Everyone behaves differently but I would just opt out of the social event if there was someone there I would find difficult. As someone has said you could write her a letter and then burn it instead of sending it. A friend whose mother bullied her was advised to do this even though her mother had died. It did help .

I have been bullied a number of times in my life, it is devastating and can destroy self esteem and self confidence and even seeing someone like the bully in later life can trigger the feeling of helplessness that being bullied brings.

Therapy/counselling can help but other people often, without meaning to, further ignite the anger underlying the helplessness by their misunderstanding. So it can be infuriating to talk about because others often simply can't 'see' it. Trying to shame the bully later in public is going to risk the bully claiming not to remember or minimising what they did and others are likely to feel a scene is inappropriate or uncomfortable.

If the OP can write or paint or fantasise as vividly as possible what outcome she would like from a confrontation with the bully, and do this more than once, it might help. Accepting the unacceptable is a difficult thing in life for some. No one wants to feel unheard or unsupported and sometimes, in life, other people are just incomprehensible ***!

Einna

Bearing a grudge over a long time is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Absolutely brilliant and absolutely true.