Mothering Sunday

I am sorry to hear about your mother but you did your best which is admirable. I have a friend who had to leave her home town because her mother was so cruel to her. The friends has all sorts of mental health problems and she still calls her mother once a week. Her mother still manages to demolish her despite ongoing therapy. I can see the mother living for ages yet as she is tough and determined. I do feel for my friend but all I can do is listen. She still so wants her mother's approval which she will never get.

Usedtobeblonde
I’m the same.
My Mother was also cruel, physically and verbally. I used to read through the lovely Mother’s Day cards and wished I could send them knowing the beautiful words actually applied to us.
But she never acknowledged her behaviour, never said sorry ( which would have meant a lot ) I don’t think she thought she’d done anything wrong?
She died 10 years ago, but funnily enough though - I still miss her sometimes.

It resonates with me when you say about choosing cards that didn't express the best mother ever etc., I always bought her chocolates or flowers but out of what I perceived as duty. I felt that she wanted more from me that I wanted to give. She was a good mother, I was cared for and loved but she always held something of herself back, maybe that's why I was the same with her. I have a different relationship with my daughter thank goodness and her card yesterday said on the front 'Love you Mum'.

Same for me. I remember listening to Billy Connolly talking about how cruel his father had been and yet Billy had done everything he could to be a good son.
The interviewer had asked why he had done so much for a cruel father. The answer Billy gave made sense to me and helped me understand myself.
He was constantly hoping for approval and for love. I think that is probably true for most of us who had a cruel parent.
I like to think that I have become a strong person and a loving mother in spite of her rather than because of her. That way I am giving myself that approval that I once craved.
Sending a warm hug to all of you who suffered at the hands of the one person whose job it was to protect us and well done you for surviving.

Usedtobeblonde I understand what you are saying my mother did her very best for us, we were fed and clothed and she was a stunningly beautiful woman whom everyone gravitated towards, but she was never affectionate, never gave us hugs or kisses that I can remember. However when our younger brother came along both my mother and father lavished him with affection and attention, and we were expected to do the same.
I did love my mum but felt she never really loved me and as a child I always thought it was my fault.
When my own children came along I showed them affection at every turn, and surprisingly my mum did too.
Life is strange.

Growing up , we never had such a thing as Mother’s Day. But if there was, I would have given my mother the biggest card ever.
Later on, I moved thousands of miles away and posted them to her. I still have the last card I bought for her , just before she passed away, and never got to post 🥲
To those who did not have good experiences , I am sad for you.
I personally feel, I haven’t been the good mother to my children, as my mother was to me. My circumstances were different. I hope my children understand. They sent cards and flowers yesterday. I hope it wasn’t out of ‘duty’ ….

"I was always well fed and clothed to the best of her ability as a widow but she was so cruel in her words and this continued this for the rest of her very long life."
I could not agree more used to blond U could have written your post myself.

My mum didn't really like me. My younger brother was the golden one and his many failings forgiven over and over. I was the sensible one, the practical one. I was dad's favourite to compensate. Mum criticised everything I did. It was noticeable to all, my decor, my looks, my food. Anything i did or tried to do for her was "lacking". That was her favourite word for me. So Utbb I understand totally where you are coming from.

My experience resonates with the above posts. It’s something that those who had caring mothers may find difficult to understand.
Billy Connolly’s comment was spot on.

I grew up with the saying” after all I did for you” over the slightest thing.
I was an only child, at least I wasn’t compared to a favourite one.

I can totally relate to this. I was always fed and clothed, but I can never remember my mother showing even the tiniest crumb of affection towards me. She was never physically abusive - my heart goes out to those who were physically abused - but my god, could her words hurt! It took me the best part of 40 years to realise that no matter what I did or what I achieved in life, I would never be good enough for her. Sending to everyone for whom this post really resonates.

for you all

My mum, bless her, had a cruel tongue and could bear a grudge but in her late 60s she had two awful strokes. From those she developed a real sense of humour and fun. She died four years later but that’s the fun mum I remembered yesterday and try always to do. She became the mum I had always wanted.

I also look back on a sad and disappointing relationship with my mother.
She had a career and we never spent enjoyable times together .
Aged 15 , she took me out on a special day to an art gallery and ruined it by completely losing her temper.
Everyone in the gallery heard her shouting .
I felt sick.
I was devastated and sat quietly on the train as we went home.
I'd go to my friends houses as a teenager and noticed that my friends were comfortable with their mothers and not afraid of them .

As I grew older and married-she'd lecture me on how to be a perfect wife .
I always felt disapproved of .

I felt as though I'd spent my entire life trying to please her and failing.

When she became ill I looked after her devotedly .
She was nice for a week and then, became quite nasty .
She threatened to call Help The Aged because I suggested that she ate more fruit and vegetables.
Or I hadn't cleaned properly.
She told me that it was obvious that I deeply resented looking after her .

I persevered.

Now when I look back I realise that she was a deeply unhappy person ,who was nervous and frightened of so many things-and I understand and sympathesise .
But -
sometimes I relate to her reactions to things now I'm older .
I find some members of our congregation really difficult ,anti - social and rude as she did . No wonder she wanted my company as she sat alone .

Mum was a stickler for time keeping .
One o'clock meant that not half past or two.
I also feel irritable when a mutual friend is well over an hour late every time we arrange to go out .

I wish the whole damn commercial day was stopped. It puts us estranged parents into a miserable time.

My mother was never affectionate towards me and always gave me a look f disapproval even when I had done what she wanted … then when my daughter was born, she became a loving huggy Nanny and I saw a completely different side to her.

I was alone for the first time this M Day and reflected on our past relationship and didn’t even go and place flowers/plants n the grave.. am I now a guilty daughter- have mobile issues and just didn’t have the energy so said a quiet prayer and lit a candle ..

It's difficult - my Mum wasn't unloving she just had been brought up in a situation where hitting kids was the norm, & she was very young & just continued doing this.
Yes, she could be cruel verbally, we are quite different which I think makes things more difficult. But she was proud of me (sometimes) & wanted the best for me, even though my brother was her favourite.
She can still be horrid, but I know she loves me & have no problem choosing Mothers Day cards with grateful sentiments.

My mother thought that Mother’s Day was a lot of commercial nonsense. I bought her flowers one year( I think I was about 12) and she was really angry - I never did that again! So as a mother I’ve always felt a bit ambivalent about it, perhaps because I now think my mother had a fair point.

That’s lovely valdavi

You are lucky valdavi. Nothing i ever did was good enough for my mother. She was embarrassed by most things I did but nothing was worse than the fact that I had 5 children.

I understand you valdavi & know my mother was just doing what had been done to her. She thought smacking children ( hard ) was completely normal acceptable ( which to be fair it was back in the 70’s for many people )
She was proud of my achievements and I’m sure she loved me - and I do miss her. But it was never a really close mother & daughter relationship.

usedtobeblonde. I feel the very same about my mother. I said to DH only yesterday, that I thought fondly of his mother, on Mothering Sunday, but not my own. Nothing to be done about that now. Like you I respected her, sad with her for days when she was dying. Duty not love.

So I'm not the only one. I hate mother's day because of the feelings (like most here seemingly) I felt trying to find a card and think of a gift - it was such a chore that I beg my Son's not to bother with me each year but they insist which then makes me feel guilty. The day stirs up so many emotions, I'm glad when it's over.

My mum.was just never maternal....I would love to have had a mum who brushed my hair and showed ne how to ðo 'girl' things and grow up feeling protected and deeply loved. I too (along with my siblings) am a bit bemused by the mother's day sentiments, and we all try to find words that are both kind but true. The irony is that we are all such caring children now as she gets older and needs us more. Love to you all in the same shoes! X