Funeral

Totally agree with Bellasnana. Already purchased Direct cremation. No funeral. Hate being centre of attention.

Bellasnana

No I don’t as I’ve already bought and paid for a direct cremation. I don’t want a funeral. I’ve always hated being the centre of attention so would rather just go off without a fuss.

Same here.

i don't think about my funeral, my son knows that i want a straight cremation, no service, no music, i was widowed at 39 and my son was 16, watching him at his dad's funeral broke my heart and i decided then i would not put him through that, he is fine with what i want, i have asked him and the family to plan a day out on the same day and have fun at the seaside and maybe let off a couple of baloons and to think i will be free of the pain that i am in everyday due to chronic nerve damage in both legs and feet.

Same as JaxJacky

I don't think about it and my son doesn't want to talk about it yet as he thinks we're both too young to worry about it. I just want him to arrange something that he's comfortable with. I won't be there so it doesn't bother me and I trust him to do something respectful.

A "final goodbye" is a rarity.

When our son died very unexpectedly, all my DH and I wanted was to hide away. We had not a clue what he would have wanted - certainly no fuss. But DD, as a vicar, told us it was imperative to have a funeral, with coffin for his mates to see and be able to properly say goodbye.
There were three short talks, one from his brother, one from his best friend and one from his work colleagues. There were three coffin was cardboard as he had been working in a pape4 recycling factory. The church was full.
When DH died, he had chosen the music and the vicar to perform the ceremony. A surprising number of people attended.
It is cathartic for the family to have some sort of send off, also to have some sort of idea what the deceased wanted.

I have such a small family and who knows what friends will be left and there is nothing worse than a funeral with three of four people there…. I dislike funerals so much and avoid them.
I ve done everything to make it as easy as possible for my daughter and she knows and agrees
Co op were as cheap as Pure cremations and I got £200ish in co op stamps 🤣and I trust them too
My daughter is going to do the same for herself later
I ve done it, not for me, but to make it as simple and easy as possible for her My other two are not in Uk I don’t want my son spending thousands of pounds to come and just say goodbye I d rather him say goodbye in his head

That’s all I hope is that I stay in my children’s and grandchildren’s heads and hearts as long as they live and that they can talk about me kindly to any future generations

This is so pertinent for me at the moment as my best friend is in end of life care at hospital she has left her body to science unfortunately it won’t be used as there is little of her left
We ve had a lot of fun and she ll live in my head

I would like to add that I truly don’t care - I’ll be dead and shan’t know, but it is very important for those left behind.

The last funeral I watched on a live stream was upsetting on several points. It felt very intrusive to see the close family so distraught, the celebrant went on and on repeaating herself and all, including the celebrant,
were expecting the coffin to disappear at the end which it didnt. Mechanical failure? So there was a very awkward time when no one knew what to do and then had to leave the room leaving the coffin there on its own. With my relation inside on her own. So sad. But she probably would have laughed.

Those who leave everything till the eleventh hour often run out of time at half past ten. High tide for my departure.

We have thought about our demise. We have decided on cremation only. This leaves more money to be divided between our chosen charities. If anyone wants a "party", as is popular today, they can organise it. My brother-in-law died recently and the facebook invitation was to a party. We didn't go as their parties usually end up as a drunken brawl.

grandMattie

I would like to add that I truly don’t care - I’ll be dead and shan’t know, but it is very important for those left behind.

Absolutely my feeling as well, funeral plans are to comfort the living and that is what mine are, a comfort to me now. What actually happens when I finally die I really do not give a toss.

Half my (small) family are here in Canada and half in the UK so I've opted for direct cremation

It’s a goodbye for others close to accept that you’re gone. I’ve pick songs. No church and straight to the crematorium. Cheaper the better. Plenty to eat and drink afterwards. If my possessions can be sold then they can enjoy the proceeds. That’s DH and my youngest son. Hopefully I don’t have a long and painful lingering death. Horrible thought but that’s life. I don’t dwell on it.

I told my daughter in 2020 when I changed my will and took out both powers of attorney that I was looking at cremation only . But she said no mom I want a funeral so said ok . I will pay for it . But she said no it's her responsibility when I die and to spent my money while I am alive.
So said ok you do what you want . She knows my wishes non religious service ,no flowers and no wake . And my ashes will be sprinkled somewhere nice with my husband's. There won't be many at my funeral anyway . Have choose my 3 pieces of music but my taste has changed so must write down the new ones . But to go out it will be the same as her dad's Mr Blue Sky by ELO.

But at nearly 68 not planning on popping my clogs anytime soon.

In Covid I watched a live stream funeral, a chap in his 50’s with a wife and 3 children.

At the end, the mourners filed out, leaving the immediate family to say their final goodbyes.

It felt intrusive, I felt like a voyeur at that point, and thought that it should have been stopped as the mourners left.

I know I could have stopped watching, but it seemed like it was nearly finished, and it just seemed upsetting by then.

It is interesting to see that many people want to go down the no fuss route.
My view is that funerals are an important part of the grieving process for the relatives and friends. The urge to say a proper goodbye us universal ... all cultures have rituals around death (even elephants I believe!) and I think this is for a good reasons.
It respects not just the person who has died but also the value of human life itself. It is a way of saying that life is important and expressing our humanity.
I watched my adult children preparing my OH's funeral. They threw themselves into it and came together to remember him and discuss how they might honour his life. These were valuable conversations.... we shared memories and helped and supported each other.
Indeed when he was unconscious but not about to die, I took them out to lunch at the nearby pub and we talked then about what sort of send off they would like to give him. It was a positive moment that gave them a short break from our vigil and helped them to think of how they could honour him positively.
There were lovely small touches at the wake ... for example everyone was offered a Tunnocks tea cake which had been his favourite. The grieving process was helped by these little things.
Because of all this I have set down some funeral ideas to help them plan, including music that we made together.
I am not sure that the no fuss route is always a kindness to family. In the same way that we will be dead and not know what they actually do, having a funeral to help them grieve when no fuss has been requested would I think be a legitimate thing to do.
The funeral is for the family and friends, and a funeral planned ahead can also be a message of love from the deceased to the mourners.

Since my husband of 53 yrs passed I’ve arranged my paperwork in such an order my family will know my wishes

Nothing beats a good Irish wake

I am in my mid-80's and with five adult children. I know I could die at any time, or - indeed, live for several more years.
When my ex-hubbie died, he had paid in for decades to the synagogue funeral fund - although totally non religious. When my eldest daughter (who was doing the arranging) talked to them about the funeral, she said none of the family had any religious believes, could they keep any mention of god to the minimum

This request was totally ignored and we all had to sit there in the Chapel at the Crem, feeling totally embarrassed having to listen (what to us), was so much talk of a totally mythical creature!!!. Two and half years later, that daughter is still very angry about it!!!

I have arranged and completely paid via direct cremation with the Co-op (same as but less cost the Pure Cremation), put aside some money for them to arrange (should they wish), some sort of wake or celebrations of Life.

No stranger talking about me - even if we go along the Humanist celebration, there is a total stranger. I have even printed off a number of poems, etc. about mourning and death which are totally non-god, non-religious, non-afterlife. These may or may not be used, I will never know.

24 years ago, when my youngest son died, suddenly - tragically at the age of 25, all of us were horrified by people trying to tell us that he was 'up there' looking down on us - we all knew he was not - he was dead!!! All these years, we still keep his memory very alive, celebrate the life he did have and ensure younger members of the family know all about him. We find this so much nicer, realistic and far more comforting than the 'pie in the sky' kind off talk.

That is interesting Franbern. My OH's funeral was in our very beautiful and historic village church in spite of the fact that my OH had no religion. But the building had meaning for us all for many reasons and he had requested the funeral be held there and burial in the chrurchyard.
The vicar knew all this and was a friend. The funeral reflected his scientific background and rationalist stance ... she had no problem with this. She asked only that the lord's prayer be included and this we did for those in the congregation who did have a religious belief.

I've told mine I have no interest in having a funeral . I think they're awful things. I've never felt like I've 'said goodbye' after one. Money making and sad.
Just a quick cremation and Bob's your uncle

I suppose what I am asking is does a quick cremation and Bob's your uncle help those relatives who feel the need to honour and remember their loved one with family and friends?

I have just returned from the funeral of a very dear friend of nearly seventy years. A humanist funeral as specified by her, beautifully done, cathartic yet comforting, bringing peace to those who loved her.
Funerals are for the living as well as for the dead. Don't demean them.