Christmas drama, mum being awkward

My grandmother used to do exactly the same; she led my poor mum a right dance every Christmas. Mum and Dad had a lovely circle of friends and Dad had siblings which increased his family - Mum was an only child.
These friends and Dads family would regularly include Grandmother in their invitations. But she refused to go and guilt tripped Mum in to turning them down until the year Mum called her bluff. Grandmother spent the day alone........she never turned down an invitation after that.
Sometimes, all it takes is a bit of tough love.

We usually go to my DD, however one year they were going away, so we asked my stepdaughter and family. She normally does Christmas with her mother and brother as well. I offered to have both of them as well, but her mother declined and her brother made other arrangements. Some after Christmas my stepdaughter told me that her mother had been very difficult about it, but she had decided not to give in to her! As everyone else has said she has been asked, declined and wants you to di what she wants! Go and have a good day.

You should go. If your mother doesn’t like the in law it will me more relaxed without her. Some people enjoyed last Christmas being on their own !!

I apologise first if I sound cold and unfeeling, but as I have experience of this my first thought is do as she says and leave her home.
My mother takes this tactic to another level and after insisting she doesnt want to go somewhere (usually its family get togethers) she 9 times out of 10 cries on someone's shoulder about how terrible she has been left out (I usually get the blame) and someone takes pity on her and gives her a (wont pay for a taxi) lift at the last minute.
To be greeted with enthusiastic welcomes from those who dont understand the back story.

Narcissistic Maralyn Monroe complex.

Please dont play this silly game by changing your plans.
As others have suggested perhaps you can do something on another day for/with her?
Although if it were me I wouldn't. I'd carry on as normal.

Maybe different circumstances, normally my parents went to someone in the family for Christmas, then when my dad passed away (which was so close to Xmas), my mum was adamant she wanted to be ‘alone’, I guess she didn’t want to join in any fun or family festivities. I found this hard but accepted her wishes, but my children (her grandchildren) were shocked to say the least saying that granny shouldn’t be alone.
Anyhow, I agreed that come Xmas day I would dish up a roast for her and later the same day take it down to her, only about 5 miles from home, and the grandchildren called by throughout the day (grandchildren were young adult age). I guess different arrangements can be arranged unless some families are so far apart in distance

Explain to her firmly that as you have hosted for so long you deserve a break, that she has been invited but if she decides not to go then that is her choice. She may spend this Christmas day alone, but if you give in you will be giving into her moral blackmail

Six against one, no contest. Your in laws are as entitled to spend Christmas Day with their grand children as your Mother is. Ask her again, then just arrange to have her over for a special Sunday lunch the week before. Your DH is also entitled to spend Xmas day with his family for a change.

Ah Xmas, so much for the happiest time of the year!

Your mother has a choice and she has taken it

"She has said she will spend it alone and off we go and have fun."

It seems that your mother lives fairly near to your in laws if she is able to meet them casually in the street. In which case, could you spend either the morning with your mum before going to your in laws for lunch? Or the other way round, enjoy the day with the in laws then spend the evening with your mum.

Your mother's choice Blah why should everyone else change their plans for this non reason. Have a separate day with your mother and enjoy your own day with your in laws and family. Above all don't feel guilty.

Yes, go and enjoy yourselves; your Mum has chosen how she wants to spend her day and probably really means it when she wants you to go and have fun.
If she doesn't like your step-MIL and they don't get on then she won't enjoy the day anyway, nor will the rest of you.

Invite her to you on another day, perhaps New Year's Day?

I'd take her at her word, and go. Your mother is an adult, and perfectly capable of making her own decisions, as well as handling the consequences of them.

It would be completely unreasonable and unfair of you to ask everyone to change plans to accommodate your mother, imo. She has decided she dislikes your SMIL so much she won't attend Christmas there, what makes it any better for you to host everyone?

I had a mil like this wouldn’t come to our wedding if it wasn’t in a Catholic Church. Every Christmas it had to be about her and I used to try and make her feel welcome. Wish I’d stood up to her years ago. You go to your mil and enjoy yourself.

Certainly go but tell your Mother of your decision now and suggest to her to feel free to change her mind if she so desires. No big deal, just casual conversation in the passing, and give her time for it to sink in. Do be prepared that she might opt to join you at the very last minute!

Baggs

Yep. Call her bluff. Just go as invited and tell her she's welcome to come with you if she changes her mind.

This is what I was going to say. You have the responsibility for your mother all year round, you deserve a break this Christmas and your in-laws have been good enough to include your mother in their invitation, many wouldn’t. It is very unfair of your mother to try to call the tune to this extent. If she chooses to be on her own it’s her choice but I would guess that she will do a u-turn as the day approaches.

Go and enjoy your day, your mother is an adult and is choosing not to go, you (& DH/DC) shouldn’t have to miss out just because of her.
I’ve hosted Xmas every year bar 1 since I got married, and although a wonderful day it’s hard work! I’d love to have a break!

I think you need to go and she can change her mind or not.
Like paddyann and Ann our Christmases have been dictated by my mother.This year is actually going to be different as we have told her the plans and invited her.I don’t know who was more surprised at me and my daughters sticking up for ourselves.So far she says she isn’t coming but if she changes her mind even if it’s Christmas Day I will go and collect her.

Peasblossom

Definitely go.

Six (?) people not having the Christmas they want so that one person can have things her own way?

Doesn’t add up does it?

Exactly.

And think about this -
"If you host Christmas again you will be doing it for the rest of your mum's life."

OP

The title and original post says more about your reaction to your mother's reply than her behaviour

Your willingness to change everybody's plans to accommodate her is the red flag here

What are you scared of?
Are you used to jumping through hoops to make her happy?
Do you think she is just saying that as a manipulation tactic or she does mean it and wont retaliate when you do not bend over backwards for her?

Your Mum has told you to go and have fun!

Unless she was sobbing when she said it, it sounds as though she really does want you to go.

Don’t be a martyr! Just go.

BlhblahBlahBlah, I am even older than your mother and I think she is worrying about being out of her comfort zone. Naturally she can decide for herself what she does about Xmas.
I guess what she would really appreciate is for you to tell her how much she is wanted as at the and how much she would be missed if she could not go, She simply wants to be loved and appreciated . If after you have reassured her she remains obdurate or cantankerous at least she will know you wanted her, and I hope for her sake the others, the inlaws, will tell her how much she is wanted or how much they missed her whichever applies.

lemongrove

I would accept the invitation and go to your MIL’s house as planned.
Your own Mother has been invited and chooses not to go.
It’s only for one year and you have always hosted it in other years.
80 isn’t ancient!? It’s lovely of you to think about her needs but unless she has health problems which mean she shouldn't be alone, then don’t feel guilty at all about accepting the invitation.

It has to happen occasionally….I totally agree with you Lemongrove?
Mother has a cheek in my opinion turning down a nice invitation which would also get you out of cooking. Don’t give in to this ?..it smacks of emotional blackmail!

I'm sure your mum would be offended if you suggested she no longer knew her own mind.
In light of that, the respectful thing to do is accept what she says, and go and have a carefree day without her.

I agree with everyone else you must go and acknowledge that your mum has made a decision that’s comfortable for her
If it’s only one day can’t you have her for Boxing Day or even New Years Day
I know I d be mortified if one of my children asked me and I didn’t really fancy it so they cancelled for my sake totally mortified
You must abide by her wishes go and enjoy your day

Oh and as you asked for a grandparents view….as a grandmother I would be ashamed of myself if I made any kind of song and dance about Christmas…..
This year I thought son and wife were going away… not sure they are now…and the bloke doesn’t want to go away so I’m off on a jaunt in my own to stay with long lost friends!