Christmas drama, mum being awkward

She’s making out she will suffer their company at their house or mine

I do hope she doesn't make that too obvious... ?

My mum is 96. Fit, well & ambulant. She likes, prefers even to spend Christmas Day alone. We let her get on with it. Myself, partner and offspring(s) do our own thing without her. Her life, her choice.
I don’t know why so many families get so hung up about one day of the year.

Blahblahblahblah

She’s now said she will just do whatever I tell her to do as she has no choice, not sure if that’s acceptance or not! I don’t want her to feel forced but she’s going to play the martyr either way. She also says she’s never liked my SMIL despite doing to their house before for Christmas and is going out for lunch the 3 of us last year and apparently I should have forethought not to invite them because of her feelings about them. She’s making out she will suffer their company at their house or mine, but I honestly feel like I have had enough of the drama.

So your mother is attempting to dictate to you who should and shouldn't be welcome in your home?

If it was up to her, your SMIL would never get a holiday with your family?

How is that remotely reasonable or acceptable?

It sounds like your mother is very used to making a fuss and having people change everything to suit her, no matter how many other people lose out or feel bad. I hope she won't make things less pleasant for your ILs on Christmas.

So you've to make the decision for her? 'Tell her what to do'. How about telling her NOW that, unless she tells you to the contrary, you will assume she is not coming. That could stand right up until your actual departure. Again, I would build in time for a last minute dramatic change of mind. It does seem to be all about her. Sad.......

No, don’t play her game - don’t tell her what to do, tell her what you are doing (going to your in-laws, I hope) and leave it at that, don’t even say “you can come too” - leave it up to her, as she already knows that she can come too. She seems to be trying to manipulate you with an almost passive aggression. Don’t let her.

Your mother declined a kind invitation.
Her decision.
Her choice.
Go and have a lovely day with your family.
Do NOT cater especially for her on another day 'to make up'... Christmas Day is 25th December!!!

Nonogran

My mum is 96. Fit, well & ambulant. She likes, prefers even to spend Christmas Day alone. We let her get on with it. Myself, partner and offspring(s) do our own thing without her. Her life, her choice.
I don’t know why so many families get so hung up about one day of the year.

Exactly right. Let her have the Christmas she wants.

OP when you say she is refusing to go does that mean you haven't just given her the invite and accepted when she declined? That's how it sounds to me. She's told you to go so why not leave her alone, accept her decision and go and spend Christmas where you like, you can see her on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Please go to your mother in law’s and have a lovely Christmas with your in-laws. Leave your mum to do as she likes. It’s her choice, she was invited, she declined. Enjoy your day.

I think you should stick to your original plans - not change them because of your mum's decision. Arrange to see her on another day. She might just change her mind, though, when she realises that you won't!

Even if she is really saying "You go and have fun (while I'm all on my own) " in pathetic, self-pitying tones, just go ahead with your visit.
She'll survive.