Christmas drama, mum being awkward

Thank you all so much for your advice, I am so glad I posted here to get some opinions from Grandparents. I’ve just spoke. To her and she is adamant that she won’t go, she said she’d go to one of my husband brothers if they hosted (which is t even on the cards as they’re going Wales!). I said we could see her Boxing Day to which she started crying and said she was sick of the whole thing and that she would just spend it on her own. I think she must feel a bit powerless as she is reliant on me for the day. When I tried to discuss making a different plan instead she evaded it. My husband thinks we should host as it will ruin my day knowing she’s on her own. In all honesty we probably have let a bit of a codependent relationship develop with her, but it’s very hard not to as the only child in the country and them not having many others, I have always felt a bit guilty towards her as she never had another relationship after my parents divorced and has never seemed to be happy.

I don't think she's sulking or being a prima donna - she just doesn't want to spend Christmas Day at the house of someone she probably doesn't like very much.
Fair enough!

Nice post, Caleo.
MissAdventure I agree, we're not supposed to think for ourselves over a certain age.

It's a horrible position to be put in, but you could phone her a few times during the day, and leave her some nice food.
She is just being awkward, I'm sure you know.
It makes my heart heavy to read, because I had similar with my dear old mum.

X post, Blah+3

And conflicting advice.
She isnt being awkward.
She's just being awkward..

Oh dear, it seems she is going to get what she really wants and that is all of you doing what she wants. As others have said she is capable of making her own decisions. She has been asked and has declined. Please don’t start begging her to change her mind. You are not responsible for how her life has turned out and you deserve ‘your’ time too.

Calistemon

I don't think she's sulking or being a prima donna - she just doesn't want to spend Christmas Day at the house of someone she probably doesn't like very much.
Fair enough!

Nice post, Caleo.
MissAdventure I agree, we're not supposed to think for ourselves over a certain age.

But is she going to be any happier to spend the day at her daughter's in the company of that same woman who, in the OP's words "she has taking a dislike to" [...] " based on one random conversation in the street""?

Blah, is there a risk that even if you host the day in order not to upset your mother, that she will still sulk and perhaps even be rude to your films wife?

Hopefully not. You are in a difficult position already, and that would make it even more complicated.

Films??? That was meant to say fil's!

Mmm. Suppose if you tell your husbands mother you’re not coming, she starts to cry and says she’ll just spend it on her own instead.

Who will you give in to then?

Go and enjoy your Christmas at your in laws and then have a day either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with your mum.
For Christmas Day, make sure that she can easily prepare herself a meal or even look into having a meal delivered for her (some restaurants will do that) along with a basket of treats that she can help herself to.
Maybe see if one of the care agencies would pop in to see her.
Just don't let her hold you to ransom. You deserve a day away!

Easier to say than do. Go and try to enjoy yourself, I've been there got the cap and the badge.
Sorry I can't say it will only get better she might see reason and decide to join you all which would be lovely or she might stay at home hoping you are worrying about her. The sooner you call her bluff the better for you and your family but I can assure you the more you do it the easier it gets.

She’s now said she will just do whatever I tell her to do as she has no choice, not sure if that’s acceptance or not! I don’t want her to feel forced but she’s going to play the martyr either way. She also says she’s never liked my SMIL despite doing to their house before for Christmas and is going out for lunch the 3 of us last year and apparently I should have forethought not to invite them because of her feelings about them. She’s making out she will suffer their company at their house or mine, but I honestly feel like I have had enough of the drama.

I think you could take that as acceptance

It sounds as if she doesn't want to lose face, but realises she may end up staying home unless she does "give in".

So it seems that she's trying to transfer all blame to you by making you tell her what to do.

Try not to let her do that - give her the options, but make her make the final decision for herself, if you possibly can.

This is emotional blackmail and I have the feeling that whatever you do your mother will spoil the day.
If you host at home she will sulk because you have invited someone she has taken an inexplicable dislike to; if you leave her she will sulk because she hasn't got her own way and she is on her own.
Your in- laws have invited you and I think they are entitled to have Christmas with their son's family in their home for once; you need to consider their feelings and harden your heart. Your mother won't stop; this is sadly a battle of wills and she won't compromise, so put the feelings of the rest of your family first and make the best of Christmas Day with them.

If she decides to go with you, will shepherds spoil the atmosphere for the rest of you.
Go and enjoy yourselves. She’ll get over it.
My mum was similar. Always pulling the ‘poor old lady’ card.
I always gave in to her. Don’t you !

She spoil - not shepherds ?

Don’t allow the drama to continue. Tell her you are going to your in-laws and it is her choice to come or not . A simple yes or no answer is required. End of conversation.

"Mother, you are an adult behaving like a little trantruming child

Decide what you want to do for xmas
I will not be part of this unnecessary drama anymore"

Thank you all so much for your advice, it has been so helpful and really kind of you to take the time to reply.

Calistemon

I don't think she's sulking or being a prima donna - she just doesn't want to spend Christmas Day at the house of someone she probably doesn't like very much.
Fair enough!

Nice post, Caleo.
MissAdventure I agree, we're not supposed to think for ourselves over a certain age.

Perfectly possible. My gran always spent Christmas Day by herself once her kids left home. She was the most fun person I've ever known but she had a baby die at Christmas and her choice was to be by herself on that day and think of the little boy who never had a chance to grow up. Boxing Day she was back to normal and just got on with it.

Don't tell my kids but I loved last Christmas, just a relaxed day for my and DH, no fuss, no chaos. It was great.

Blahblahblahblah

She’s now said she will just do whatever I tell her to do as she has no choice, not sure if that’s acceptance or not! I don’t want her to feel forced but she’s going to play the martyr either way. She also says she’s never liked my SMIL despite doing to their house before for Christmas and is going out for lunch the 3 of us last year and apparently I should have forethought not to invite them because of her feelings about them. She’s making out she will suffer their company at their house or mine, but I honestly feel like I have had enough of the drama.

Right so you go to in laws. Tell mother that’s what is happening and then ignore any further complaints!

theworriedwell

Calistemon

I don't think she's sulking or being a prima donna - she just doesn't want to spend Christmas Day at the house of someone she probably doesn't like very much.
Fair enough!

Nice post, Caleo.
MissAdventure I agree, we're not supposed to think for ourselves over a certain age.

Perfectly possible. My gran always spent Christmas Day by herself once her kids left home. She was the most fun person I've ever known but she had a baby die at Christmas and her choice was to be by herself on that day and think of the little boy who never had a chance to grow up. Boxing Day she was back to normal and just got on with it.

Don't tell my kids but I loved last Christmas, just a relaxed day for my and DH, no fuss, no chaos. It was great.

Yes but you were not alone were you ?

I'd be happy by myself Lucca, it just so happens DH lives here as well. This year I will be back to a houseful of visitors, I have 4 kids, their 4 partners and 6 GC. I end up with people on sofas, people at local B&B but here all day. I spend my time cooking, washing up and the noise. Last year it was quiet, relaxed, I watched films on netflix and relaxed. I had to do a full turkey dinner or DH would have been traumatised. If I was alone I wouldn't bother so it would be even more relaxing. Not to mention I am his carer so a day on my own would be very relaxing.

I am happy with my own company.

Exactly, and that is not being 'ackward' either.