First Christmas completely alone

Whilst I recall from needy people in general, I would hope that if I'm in this situation in the future, that my children would liaise with one another and at least one of them invite me. I think your children have been incredibly selfish.
That said, I can't wait to have a Christmas on my own, with my dogs and my elderly cat. I'm really past socialising now my AC are grown. Hope you have a lovely day, whatever you do.

Sorry to hear this Pascal it was thoughtless of them to not let you know I have a similar issue going on myself so I can appreciate how you must feel.
There are some good suggestions on here although I understand it doesn’t take the hurt away. Sometimes we just need a good vent.
Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the actual event so I hope you have the best day you can whatever you decide to do🌺🌺

Surely, it isn't too late to find someone you could spend Christmas Day with? And I would think you can still be in time to join a group that are being hosted by Lions or the Salvation Army or suchlike.

I fully understand why you find it upsetting that your children did not mention that they would be spending Christmas with their in-laws. I find it exasperating too, when my son waits until the end of November to tell me what their plans for Christmas are. This year, I had already arranged with the Red Cross that I would host dinner at my house for any lonely people who would like to come and had invited two visitors, just so I would not sound needy when he asked.

It was probably just an oversight on your children's behalf you know.

I hope you manage to have a nice day, whatever you chose to do.

Dear Auntie E what a brilliant idea
I do think it's interesting that the first Christmas that that couple had nowhere to go and had to go in with the animals.
A friend of mine has been told her only daughter has other plans this year. And is understandably upset.
My daughter is working both days and so is her husband.
I do have DH but if he wasn't there I would have to plan something.
I do feel for you.

Children can get so wrapped up in their own plans and don't give a thought to what mum/mil is doing. I understand how hurt you must feel but don't spoil what may be a good relationship with them for one day at Christmas. They have been thoughtless rather than selfish.
Now you know you have the day to yourself try to enjoy it as others have advised.

Thank you, everyone, for your support and suggestions. It is still painful, but I will make the best of the day and try to look forward to better days.. I’m grateful to everybody for their help and feel less alone now x

I do feel for you Pastel. I think your sons have been very thoughtless in not letting you know their plans . Maybe there’s been a lack of communication between them and each thought you’d be with the other .
I do think that with sons the dils control Christmas, well that’s the situation with my brother and his wife .
Plan a spoil yourself day and maybe come on here. I’m sure there are others in your situation. Easy for me to say as I haven’t been in your situation, but it could come .

Two things strike me. Are each of your sons aware of the other’s plans? Maybe not and perhaps they assume you will spend Christmas with the other one. Secondly I don’t think you tell them how you feel so how can they know. We parents don’t want to appear needy but there’s no point in pretending to feel one way if you feel another way. There’s no shame in saying if you feel lonely. They can’t read your mind. Finally as many people on here will tell you sons invariably veer towards the wife’s family. I don’t know why it is so but it usually is. As someone upthread said it’s only a Wednesday.

Pastel

I really don’t want this to be a moan, but I am absolutely devastated about the coming Christmas and just need someone to talk to. I am a widow of some eight years standing and I’ve tried during this time to build a life for myself and try to look forward as much as I can. I have two sons both with families and this year both are going away with their respective in-laws. This means that I will be completely alone. I think I could’ve coped with this but neither told me what was happening and I was left to find out from my grandchildren. I have always tried to be very fair and understand that married children have to be even handed with time at Christmas but it seems that the other parents make demands on time spent with them something which I have tried not to do so that I don’t appear needy. I know I will get through the day but even writing this the tears are rolling down my cheeks. Has anyone else had to cope with this and how have you got through it?

Ahh poor you. I don’t know what to suggest, have you any friends that are own there own? Could you visit them?
Sending hugs 🫂🫂🫂🫂

At the risk of sounding a selfish misery, if I was spending Christmas alone, I would stay at home, eat what I liked, watch what I liked, rather than go to a charity ‘do’ with others in the same position.

The thought of sitting with people I don’t really know, in paper hats and pulling crackers, would fill me with horror.

That’s just me, if others want to do it, that’s fine.

Agree with Calendargirl, I’d find the whole ‘let’s get 20 lonely people together and make them all happy’ thing just more off putting than being at home on my own.

Pastel - I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you do, just bite your lip and get on with having a lovely nice cosy Christmas all by yourself - no stress, no extra cooking. 😄
Everything will look better in a few weeks.

Calandergirl I m with you I d treat it as a Sunday go for a walk if weathers nice if not hunker down with a nice meal and a bottle of wine and either a book or tv it’s over pretty quickly

I do feel for you, Pastel, not least because of the lack of communication. With two daughters and one son, I know how some sons can be uncommunicative. At times, I know more about the daily life of my daughter who lives in Australia than my son in the UK! As others have said, it’s often the DiL's who make the plans for the family.

I had an enforced solo Christmas in 2020 due to DH being unable to leave France (Covid restrictions) and other offspring being in “bubbles” with in laws, etc. After attending an early socially distanced (!) church service, I enjoyed tasty food, some fizz and watched TV.

Would it be possible to plan an alternative day to spend with your sons and their families before or after Christmas? After all, it was once the case that celebrations extended over the whole 12 days. I believe our late Queen kept the Christmas tree up until Candlemas which is in early February.

I hope that sharing your concerns on here will have enabled you to feel more positive about Christmas Day. Gransnet is always open…..! 💐

If anyone lives near me, they're welcome to phone, pop over for a cuppa, or dinner, or to do whatever they want, as long as its legal.

It's a shame I don't drive, and taxis are double cost, but the offer is there.

I am heartened by all the comments and lovely messages but I agree that a Christmas “do” or volunteering on the day is not for me. At the end of the day you go home alone to an empty house so you might as well enjoy home and stay cosy!
I am lucky that I have a dog so we will share Christmas dinner. Thinking about it (or trying not to!!) it was the lack of communication and involvement which hurts the most.

MissAdventure that’s so kind of you.
The true spirit of Christmas.

Well, it could end up as being something a bit different, at the least, is my thinking.
Maybe a living room full of drunken strangers?

So sorry, perhaps you could volunteer, my husband before we married used to volunteer at a homeless centre on Christmas day, it's worthwhile and you will meet others in the same boat, make decent friends for future activities

I’m sorry that you’re being treated like this. I do have a DH to share Christmas with, but also know only too well what it’s like to be second fiddle to the other In Laws. Over the years we have adjusted any expectations and enjoy our day.
I agree with those who suggest making it ‘your’ day and doing what pleases you. I’d definitely factor in a walk, as you’ve said that you’re in a village, I’m sure there’ll be other walkers to say good morning, Happy Christmas to.
I’m also one that would hate any forced ‘get togethers’, unless it was popping round to MissAdvenure with a bottle!
Whatever you do I hope it’s peaceful and enjoyable.

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I hope you are feeling a bit more cheerful Pastel. There is a lot of common sense displayed on Gransnet which is why I'm always looking at it ! I too couldn't face a get together with people I didn't know or have to pretend a false jollity that I didn't feel. I do however really admire the thoughtful volunteers who give up their time to provide Xmas lunch for those who have absolutely nobody. You don't fall into that bracket, you have just been thoughtlessly sidelined this year; enjoy an indulgent day when you can do exactly as you like so that when the family ask about you just say you had a lovely day, much better than you expected and that you intend to do it again next year, God willing!

Calendargirl

At the risk of sounding a selfish misery, if I was spending Christmas alone, I would stay at home, eat what I liked, watch what I liked, rather than go to a charity ‘do’ with others in the same position.

The thought of sitting with people I don’t really know, in paper hats and pulling crackers, would fill me with horror.

That’s just me, if others want to do it, that’s fine.

Me too Calendargirl. It's 24 hours, good to come out the other side with sanity intact.

I agree with many comments already made above. You could either do like the queen and have an "official" christmas day later and on the actual day, just treat it like any wednesday, doing the washing or whatever, but definitely have something you enjoy eating etc. Then you can plan your "official" date to go to do something you would really enjoy. Trip to the Ballet, or theatre, spa day or whatever. I am a widow and live alone - have written a spiel on the chat page, so wont go into it all again, but just hoping that I might get back here and have a shower and be able to use my own bed, but havent seen any pigs flying overhead yet!! Oh by the way, when you take your "official " day out dont bother to let your family know! If they then ring up wondering why you were not at home etc etc, you have the option to remind them that they didnt let you know etc at christmas! When my husband was alive , we thought it was a lovely treat to have roast beef and yorkshire pudding etc etc for our christmas. Then when we visited family or friends and they would say rather mournfully " Would you like a turkey sandwich?" they were pleased that we were very happy to eat one. Win/Win!! Some months ago on here I tried to see if there were enough Gransnetters in my vicinity , as would have been happy to meet up for coffee or whatever but not a lot at that time in North Yorks. You can be sure that I will be on here on Christmas day at some time and so we can keep in touch and know that we are happy to share some thoughts together and might get some good ideas. I am a singer and so for me , going to a carol concert, singing with various groups and the Christmas midnight service followed by a lot of wonderful J S Bach throughout the day will lift my spirits and I shall remember the many and varied musical christmas of the pasts. (To cheer yourself up, have a go at singing the Yorkshire version of While Shepherds Watched , sung to the tune of Ilkley Moor baht Hat!! Works very well and is much more fun to sing to that tune!!! I have lived in various different countries and in a lot of places in Britian, so when the conductor says "I would like descant on verse 3" I ask which one they want and they often only know one , but of course there are many local variations and people are surprised to hear new versions to try out. I shall definitely be singing "in the Bleak Midwinter" to the Harold Dark tune at some point. One of my favourites. So although I shall miss being with family and friends on the day, I shall thoroughly enjoy listening to all the carols and of course joining in with many and then peace and quiet to allow me to listen to J S Bach with no interruptions , banging doors etc. That will be bliss for me and no one talking over the top of it. So if you watch any of the services or hear radio 3 , you can know that I shall think of you and hope that you have had a better day than you expected and who knows we might meet up one day in the new year. All the best

whereabouts do you live?? Have read a lot of your posts over time