Can't do right for doing wrong

Silver lining, we are all in the same boat. We mustn’t dare mention any past misdemeanours on our children’s part EVER. They know everything and we know nothing,
It’s because of loving them more than they love us.

My husband had just finished his radiation treatment and we were in France having a much earned rest from the turmoil of the last few years. My Husbands Mother had also just died, when we received a call from one of ours to come to his house in the UK and look after his wife who was recovering from a illness, bearing in mind she is in her early thirties and we are pensioners. He wanted to go back to work and although her family all live near by, my son considers them feckless. He had forgotten all the trauma we had been through or where we were.
They just don’t think about us much. I consider I have a close family. The children all ring almost daily but they offload on us constantly. If we do..we can get in the middle of a sentence.” .I need to go now Mother as I am hungry/tired” etc.
They will bloody well miss us when we have gone.

Well I wouldn't be bloody apologising to them. As poster above says, remind them you are the parent, they are the child, you do not wish to be talked to ever again in that manner. You are following government guidelines and are not in the shielded group so have done absolutely nothing wrong. It may have done some good to remind your son that his past actions had consequences for you - he probably never thought about you at all. Selfish that's what they are.

Your children are bullies and soo unkind. Try to calm your mind and go quiet on them. Don’t tell them what you do or don’t do.
Only do what makes you happy and that you would like to do. I’m so sorry for you.
Love and pray for peace in your life x

Seems to me you have acted within the guidelines. Shopping because you are able to and not too often. Your kids have treated you badly (they can all do it sometimes). Put it out of mind and don't tell them your every move. You are not stupid! They have been unkind and thoughtless in the way they have dealt with this. Now forgive and forget.

Sounds to me as if you are towing the line in respect of the lockdown — my daughter is the opposite and takes the view life is short and do what you are comfortable with as long as not hurting others.
I am sorry you have this problem but what stuck me is that the issues between you and your children are complex and deep seated and perhaps need sorting after the lockdown lifts. They still care enough about you and you still worry about them so hang onto that

Good luck and keep walking that dog it’s what keeps us sane !

Your adult children are showing complete lack of respect towards you. You have to look after your mental health as well as your physical health and if that means a walk with the dog, then so be it. I would just not tell my children anything, in fact I wouldn't contact them. Look after yourself both mentally and physically.

I agree with mum of madboys whole heartedly.
Ok you were upset and went on defensive( we all would) but you seem to be doing things the best you can .
My mum is 83 and I've been cross with her a few times re social distancing with neighbours but it's out of fear. Fear of her suffering and fear of losing her. Could be they struggle with this too.
We are losing enough family members with virus without losing them through arguements. Maybe write down how you feel and send it ( or not). Then move on.
Keep safe

3211123rjc are you in the vulnerable group or over 70. As I can understand there concern if you are. But I still don't think it's right for them to be so rude to you and not talk to you. I've got an uncle 84 lives on his own. Who keeps getting a bus to get his shopping( he has a co-op next door to where he lives) I keep asking him not to go. My son has offered to get his shopping. But still he goes on bus. I've actually pleaded with him not to go. Yesterday on our daily telephone call he tell me his bored so going to get bus to shops. I asked him not to. Don't seem convinced when he said he wouldn't. I did feel like crying. But today I will still phone him. Would never stop doing that.

I would leave them to it - yes maybe you shouldn’t have mentioned the past - but sounds like to me they were bullying you and you retaliated - which is normal - yes I think they are concerned about you going out but it’s no excuse for how they spoke to you. I feel very sad for you as you sound very hurt as I would be if any of my 4 spoke to me in that way - which they never have. I feel they have no respect for your feelings and shouldn’t have spoken to their Mum like that at all. Sending you big hugs .

Carry on with your activities but if you want/need to keep them in your life, back off, do not engage in confronational conversation.
An apology might be made if you can manage that and if you think it might help.
In my 10 year experience this is what made the relationship between a very 'troubled' son, living with me, and myself maageable.

I agree that your children are being extremely disrespectful. My eldest is 52 and wouldn't dream of speaking to me like that! As for this constant harping on about over 70's - I'm 73, fit, well and healthy. I'm old enough and sensible enough to understand the rules and to adhere to them. But on my weekly shopping trip I have to put up with younger people constantly pushing up alongside me in the supermarket to get to what they want. Yesterday on my walk there were three young men straddled across the pavement drinking beer, at 9.30 am. They didn't move so I had to walk in the middle of the road to avoid them. Which if us is more likely to be spreading the virus? You are doing ok OP, don't allow your selfish children to bully you. I'm sure they didn't like their past being brought up, but maybe it's a timely reminder that their actions caused you a lot of pain. What you are doing is hurting nobody.

I think you did cross the line with your comments. Yes, the outcome of their drug abuse was awful. They survived. That was the past. Let go. You cannot change anything. There seems disrespect from both sides. They are showing concern. Appreciate they care. Their language and tone is disrespectful. Your response in anger has certainly hurt them. If you want a relationship with your children you need to be the bigger person and apologise. Then, calmly explain how they offended you. I am writing from experience. I used to react with very cruel comments. We had lots of battles. One day I apologised and tried to see their point of view. Presently, if I have an issue I try to tell them in a mature & calm way. We are adults. Good luck.

Ignorance and personality disorders. Who gave them the right to impose strict prohibition on your safe life? They broke the societal rules, not you. You are not going to win. Do you have any long term debility? No then get on with what you are doing. Enjoy your dog, walks, shops and the love of your husband. Love yourself.

The most surprising thing to me is the way your children speak to you. There are ways of disagreeing, or even disapproving without resorting to insults or swearing and I have a feeling that your children have been allowed to get away with this in the past. You should insist on being treated with respect from now on. You have nothing to apologise for. You are an adult, living your life as you choose, without looking to your children for help. I know it’s hard because they are your children and you will always love them but it’s they who have a problem, not you, and you must not let them dictate to you. I hope I don’t seem too severe but I am a strong believer in the saying that you have to respect yourself first.

Have you had a letter to shield yourselves. If not then do what you want within the restrictions. I wouldn’t lie about your movements and I wouldn’t tell them either. Too many people have died with this virus and we’re not over it yet. Be the bigger person apologise then it’s there problem. The balls in there court - don’t give the upset any energy. And go live your life as well as you can in lock down. You are doing the responsible things that you can.

Oops their not there

My heart goes out to you. You must do what you think is right for yourself, and what makes you happy. It’s your life, not theirs. You take control of your own destiny. It sounds like you have had such an awful time, over many, many years. It’s now time to put yourself first and not give in to any bullying or blackmail. It is hard to do, stepping away, but please think of yourself and use you own precious time how you want.

No they definitely shouldn't be rude, but they maybe right?
We're in a small attraction area ( closed down to the puplic now) which has a small gated community but do walk the dog and go to waterfront. And open garden areas etc freely
Sometimes only seeing another dog walker or people cycling etc as I said it's closed to the general public ...

But we don't do click and collect have everything delivered including any medication
This last few weeks had no problems getting orders delivered
(Weekly )
And most suppermarkets offer a extra booking service if your older Etc
Worth you enquiring even Iceland have special time slots now.
Go for the beginning of the week if possible more chance.

Addiction of any kind can destroy relationships. My son is an alcoholic albeit in recovery. I spent many years of stress and misery trying to help him. Eventually I had to withdraw physically and emotionally because it was literally killing me. Now, with encouragement from his controlling wife, I am estranged from my son and grandchildren. She says I am no help whatsoever when things get tough. To be honest I don’t think when people are under the influence, whether it be drugs or alcohol, that they can see the pain and suffering they’re causing to their family and so when they finally stop using they have no memory. Luckily I had my daughter to support me. As for saying you’re irresponsible I guess that’s said for the right reasons from their point of view although maybe they could have worded it differently. For some reason there comes a time when our children think they know better - role reversal. My daughter treats me like a child at times but I just don’t let it get to me ?

You clearly have experience of addiction and behaviours that go along with it. I have a wonderful saying/action, give it a go... if you point the finger, there is three pointing back.... in other words everything that was said to you was more about their guilt, probably because of loss of control. They are unable to control the situation or you so that makes them feel out of control and are pointing at you. You understand what enabling is so don’t allow them to create this misery for you. You really have nothing to apologise for, so don’t. If they or more likely when, going by past history they do contact you. Just say you are well and managing and that you are glad they are well. Please do not let their guilt continue to make your life a misery. They know where to come if they need you. They always have. You are doing all the right things in this terrible time, trust yourself and do what you need to for you. Addiction is lifelong and they need to realise it affects the whole family not just them. Stay safe xx

Hi, it seems to me too many people tell each other where others are going wrong without looking at their own behaviour... And those that do it have made more mistakes than anyone. If it was coming over in a nice way...because they have made so many mistakes...it would not be so bad. But, when it comes over as attitude and used as an opportunity to have a go then I don't blame anyone for reminding them that their not perfect too and don't always do things right. It is annoying...your children are coming over as 'brats' and part of their anger will be about the past. You tried your best back then to get them away from their Fathers behaviour to a place of safety & peace. They have still suffered regardless but they need to sort this out for themselves and get some therapy...there is stuff there that is not resolved. They are Adults now NOT children so they need to grow up! Maybe if they did the therapy and you were involved in it in a safe place more understanding on both sides could take place. But right now as it stands there is too much anger and not enough respect and I think that will continue..until all is addressed. In the meantime You get on with your life and if and when communication in whatever form takes place a suggestion of therapy might be good so both sides can listen to how it was for them back then. If your children won't take part in therapy...then the problem lies with them as they are not prepared to move on. Maybe the hurt is too much for them right now to have therapy and deal with what went on. But, until then the abuse cannot continue...it is too toxic and this behaviour will repeat and repeat. A letter from you...when you are ready suggesting therapy and if so repeating why you did what you did back then for their sakes may help. But, you need to state quite clear to them until all is resolved from the past your not prepared to take the disrespect & abuse from them. xx

Having been on this path myself I feel for you. Our children seem to think once you hit a certain age you become unaware of what goes on or do not understand anything and they forget the past and all that support they were given, I would let the dust settle, write down your thoughts in a letter, put it aside for a couple of weeks, reread it then decide whether to send it, time puts a different perspective on things. We're not telling ours what we're doing, which is following the government's advice! I hope it all comes right for you.

So sorry you are having such a hard time. I would just not speak to them for a bit and when they call you (as I am sure they will) refuse to discuss what you have been doing. If they ask say something like "I don't think we should talk about that". Or "We are sticking to the guidelines" just don't go into any details. If they still want confrontation breathe deeply apologise and hang up

What horrible children you have i would disowned them you are better of without them.I hope if you have made a will you have left them nothing

They sound like ungrateful and typical of drug addicts. Never take responsibility and it's always someone else's fault. You are both young enough to know what to do and to take responsibility for yourselves. Stop enabling them and live your own lives. If they don't like it, tell them to take a hike. I'm speaking from experience.