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I’m at my wits end !

(129 Posts)
Beau1958 Tue 23-Jun-20 20:47:11

Now that the pubs are about to open I have had rows with my OH about him going there with his friends. We are both in our 60’s my OH is very overweight I have a lot of stomach problems and have lost a lot of weight I can’t afford to catch it. I really don’t want him mixing with lots of different people there will be no social distancing all his group of friends can’t wait again for the pubs to open. I’m helping my 40 yr old daughter with her two boys under age of two, if I get it she could too I couldn’t bear to think of the consequences. My OH says he doesn’t care about getting it. I’m just at my wits end with it all. What would you do ?

narrowboatnan Wed 24-Jun-20 14:51:19

I don't think moving either of you out of the home is going to be the answer, but actually communicating with each other probably is. To say he doesn't care about catching it is the sort of thing a petulant teenager might say and it needs pointing out to him that it's not the risk of him catching it that's the problem, it's the risk of him passing it on to others - potentially lots of others - that is. Please try to talk to him calmly and rationally and hope that he can engage equally calmly. Good luck xx

aonk Wed 24-Jun-20 14:58:52

I agree with everything on this thread. I’m horrified by this thoughtless attitude. Of course it’s not right to go to the pub under these circumstances. I wonder if the man in question is aware of how different pubs are going to be. I was driving along this morning and had to stop outside a local pub to allow oncoming traffic to pass. There was a notice outside on a huge blackboard saying that booking is essential, large groups will not be allowed and seating will be by allocation. Drinks will be ordered and served only at the table. Maybe this will put some people off?

Pink44 Wed 24-Jun-20 15:47:26

What a selfish uncaring man! Definitely leave him to his own devices and move in with your daughter. Good luck x

NannyG123 Wed 24-Jun-20 16:10:08

Who's going to check that pubs are making customers social distance. I go to shops where there not. And on a train where only a few of us had masks on.

Harv1 Wed 24-Jun-20 16:42:50

Please don’t move in with daughter I did exactly that in a disagreement and I am now in the process of a divorce and my house has been sold!!! So please take care and listen to yourself I’m at the age where I thought the only way out of my home would be in my box ! At 67 believe me it’s not fun it’s so bloody frightening !!!... Think for yourself and listen to your heart .... Take care X

Elizabethregina Wed 24-Jun-20 16:54:23

Totally agree

Fronkydonky Wed 24-Jun-20 17:17:30

Move In with your daughter and leave him to it. Agree with leaving hardly anything in fridge and freezer. Your daughter and her two small children are obviously not as precious to your husband as they are to you. Get out of the house if he’s that desperate for a pint and stay at your daughter’s home until the end of lockdown, for your own safety and sanity.

Dollybird2010 Wed 24-Jun-20 17:23:31

Maybe when your OH gets to the pub and sees all the measures in place,he’ll realise it’s not like it was before.Personally I would do a flit to your daughter until the coast is clear.

Sussexborn Wed 24-Jun-20 17:24:20

Beau. Is the house in joint ownership or does it belong to you or your OH? Very important to seek professional advice or at the very least Citizens Advice before leaving.

When my friend made a passing comment to her solicitor about wishing she had changed the locks and not let her OH back in the house. Despite him being unfaithful on numerous occasions the solicitor said that it would weaken her case and seriously strengthen his. Not sure if this is still the case.

Siamsabai Wed 24-Jun-20 18:20:31

We've been able to go to cafes and restaurants here in Portugal for the last few weeks, people here are sensible, wear masks, use the disinfectant provided at every place, tables spaced properly, it feels safe and great to get out and abut again oh as all the staff wear masks, something we are used to as obligatory in all enclosed spaces

specki4eyes Wed 24-Jun-20 18:51:55

When he goes to the pub, lock him out and bolt the door. A night on the doorstep will get your point home. I'm like him think they're omnipotent. I used to be married to one, now I'm blissfully single.

jerseygirl Wed 24-Jun-20 19:50:36

Move in with your daughter as soon as possible and leave him and his friends to it. And i'm serious too !!

Abracadabra Wed 24-Jun-20 20:42:54


Okay this is not going to be popular.
I’m in Guernsey where things have moved on, we have used the pub during the first stage it was fine. Table service people kept their distance. The publicans are desperate to rekindle the business and were outstanding at observing standards of hygiene.
This whole thread is quite a husband bashing and reality is please trust him tell him your fears. He could be safe if he follows all the guidelines and then you will be too if you don’t want to go with him.

I really like dogsmothers post and I agree with all she has said.

I’m guessing that meeting friends in the pub was an important part of your partner’s life. Not seeing them, and pubs closing, may have made his life seem flat and colourless and each day seem much the same as another, and it stretched on and on. I’m not saying there were no good things too during this time - I don’t know how he spent this time. I know I’d miss my friends dreadfully - but I have Zoom and can now meet them outside.

So to hear the pubs were open and he could see friends again must have filled him with joy - and instead he is being expected to continue to be locked down (or locked up as he might see it). What is his alternative? How has he had fun during lockdown or does it seem more of the same?

I’m hoping that, once he calms down, he’ll think of safer ways such as already suggested, like going at quieter times and sitting outside rather than inside. Or having friends round in the garden if that’s possible as another pp suggested.

Constantly rowing won’t help. He knows how you feel so you don’t need to keep telling him and he’ll metaphorically put his fingers in his ears. After all, you’re the party pooper who wants him to carry on not seeing friends or having fun when everyone else will be.

I hope you will be able to choose a time to share your concerns while also trying to understand and reflect back how he is feeling, and come up with a compromise that suits you both.

I do think pubs will look and be run differently than before they shut, as a pp described up thread.

You say you’re helping your dd with two children under the age of two. What does he do when you are doing this? Is he involved? If not, he may not be on board with your worries. Is he bored and lonely? It’s worth thinking of what he is missing so much that he wants to rush to the pub again.

Or you can just move out of course....

Hawera1 Wed 24-Jun-20 22:18:18

Move in with your daughter till covid is under control. It would be terrible if you passed it on to your grandchildren. He's being very selfish. Maybe absence will change his opinions. You are massively at risk.

PauliLenney Thu 25-Jun-20 06:55:25

Why don’t you insist that you go with him? Maybe the pub won’t be quite so attractive under these circumstances!

Cymres1 Thu 25-Jun-20 07:46:19

I'm with Supernan, how utterly selfish and hedonistic. I have a similar situation, worry about my OH taking himself back to his local. Its not youngsters, it's elderly thoughtless drunks, who are stupid and opinionated, that scare me.
Move in with your daughter, you have never had a better reason.

Knittynatter Thu 25-Jun-20 08:43:42

I agree with @hetty58 and @Dollybird2010 - he is remembering the pub as it used to be. When he gets there and experiences the new way hopefully he won’t enjoy it at all.

Flakesdayout Thu 25-Jun-20 10:16:01

Nannan 2 - its not a pushbike - these are motor bikes and as they have all been building them there will be group discussions, looking closely at what each other has and hasn't done. What if one has an accident or breakdown, they will all be hands on helping. I am classed as high risk and whilst my partner is quite risk aware I have seen him with one of his friends and they do talk closely. Beau58. I have re read this thread and I do think your best bet is to talk to your partner, tell him of your fears. Sometimes men just dont think and the Government have said its ok so that must be ok then!!! Alcohol and social distancing do not mix well. I do hope you get this resolved.

Beau1958 Thu 25-Jun-20 22:02:54

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. Franbern I was not helping my daughter in Lockdown I started seeing them when we were told we could. Yes I will try and discuss things again with him but I feel I am fighting a losing battle. He is also holidaying in Ireland with friends horse racing and drinking in August I really don’t know why I’m still with him to be honest. I feel the option to move out is so scary so I am just going to have to face up to things and face the consequences.

Franbern Fri 26-Jun-20 09:00:15

Beau - from your last post, it appears as if you have many problems in the relationship with this man. Think you have - in your own mind- just used as an excuse the fact that he wishes to go out with his mates.

I detest it when people give relationship advice to someone else on these forums. Particularly when that advice is TO LEAVE HIM!!!

Relationships are very involved, and without long term discussions and counselling it is really totally impossible to know what is going on. Think you may be feeling that you want people on here to give you permission to break up with this person.

You really do need to evaluate what you have, and what you might have if you left. Would he be willing to join you for some professional relationship counselling? Or course you talk out all the problems with him in a reasonably calm and sensible way?

Reading between the lines, I do not think this breakdown has much to do with your fears of him bring the virus back to you. You appear as if you are unhappy in this relationship, and probably, the months of lockdown have emphasised this.

It is a very big step to break this up - and usually, there is no going back. And, I speak of someone who is very, very happy in my lone living status - having broken up with my husband nearly twenty years ago.

Do try to think clearly what is really upsetting you in this relationship, -and also think clearly of what things are good about it.

Forget the Corona Virus - that will go, how would you be feeling without this added complication?

Good Luck in your decisions.

icanhandthemback Fri 26-Jun-20 13:12:14

I am just amazed at how many people here have an attitude that it is my way or the highway. It is no wonder so many marriages fail. I'm beginning to wonder if I am getting it wrong in allowing my husband to have an opinion on anything! grin

Beau1958, if it were me I would try not to worry about the August holiday as things might be very different by them. I fear that there may be a big pull back because Lockdown is ending and people are getting too blasé about the virus. Only you know whether this is the straw that has broken the camel's back. Marriage is a balancing act and all the time the scales tip towards happiness overall, there is a chance that you can build on that if there is good will to do so on both sides. If it is going the other way overall, then that is the time to take stock and decide if it is worth making the break. Just make sure that if you have a knee jerk reaction to this that you are prepared to take any fall out. I know of several people who thought by moving out they were making their point so it would bring their partner into line but it has backfired big time.

Shazmo24 Fri 26-Jun-20 18:52:37

If you are able to & can seriously consider moving in with her...or jusy disown your OH selfish man

Kate1949 Sat 27-Jun-20 18:33:06

I really don't think he'll be allowed to go to the pub willynilly. Our local has set out strict rules for reopening.
Booking essential, even for a drink. Book and pay by app whether for food or drink. No standing. Tables for no more than 5 people. If you are going for a drink, you can stay for 90 minutes. If you order food, from a now limited menu, you can stay for two hours. No going up to the bar. No music or quiz. Doesn't sound like much fun to me.

welbeck Sat 27-Jun-20 20:54:24

there are much bigger issues here OP. you know that.
if you think you will have nothing if you leave, ask yourself honestly, what do you have if you stay.
what will you have, if he passes away. nothing.
are you staying there for accommodation. it's not enough.
you sound like an appendage to him.
would he tend you if you were ill. i think i can guess.
but you would be expected to wait on him and scurry around. because he is the big man. he has the money. and house.
get out now OP. you need to be with people who really care about you, who will make some effort for you, and to whom your feelings are important.
or else be alone. hold your head high. things will be ok.
the older you get, the harder it will be to move. go now.
good luck

ExD Wed 01-Jul-20 19:48:37

You cannot be serious!
Are you all recommending that the OP abandons years and years of married life just over a disagreement about him going to the pub.
Wait until they open and then judge, I can't see any publican risking having his newly opened business closed down because he doesn't stick strictly to the 'rules' can you? If you can get your DH to talk - though I doubt he'll be prepared to discuss the matter after the fuss you've made - explain to him, calmly, how you feel. I suspect he'll still go, so sleep in the spare room, stay 2 meters away from him, don't let him touch you, wash everything- but please don't move in with your daughter!