Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

Grannylancs I'm curious...when you heard the Christmas rules, why did you contact DIL's mother first and not your DS? Surely you'd be more interested in seeing your DS and GS? Wouldn't it have been more logical to speak to your son first so he could explain any decisions that had been made?

What a strange thread, if it's genuine.

grannylancs, I don't think you are being punished or excluded - it is more that your son has made arrangements that keep his son safe, which is fully understandable, as he is so young and we are in the middle of a pandemic.

People asking the OP whether or not she has considered their personal circumstances (eg not being able to see their families abroad) - why would anyone think of what people on the internet might not be able to do before letting themselves feel something? That seems a very odd thing to say. It's not a competition for who has the worst deal.

Finally, what advice do you think we can give that will stop you having to spend Christmas alone? You are with your husband, so neither of you will be alone anyway, but there is nothing that any of us can say that will change the situation, as your son has decided to keep numbers down in order to protect his son.

I can see why they don't trust you to be safe during the pandemic and I think putting a newborn needing surgery at risk is a valid reason for them to be upset with you.

They obviously aren't terrible people because they have only raised the previous issue after you have used pressure, guilt and even messaging third parties to try and get your way. You put them in a defensive position.

I know many people who are having small Christmases this year having decided that Christmas isn't worth endangering or possibly killing a loved one.

I really think you should apologise for your behaviour after you have given yourself a good talking to. I think if you carry on this way you will lose them.

These are difficult times, many families are impacted. People have lost people. Hundreds of thousands of good people have lost their jobs. People are in hospital right now fighting for every breath.

You can make it through this, you can plan amazing times with family in the future. Be grateful for what you have.

I cannot imagine how anyone would visit a new born baby, knowing he was awaiting surgery, it could have stopped the operation.,if I were the parents I would be upset too. Also I wouldn't phone up asking if they were seeing you Christmas. You don't seem bothered your mother will be alone, his must she feel?. You have each other so you are not alone. I could have cried when I read it, I would love just a phone off my daughter who lives minutes away, she never sees me or rings, just the odd text. I gave up years ago trying to find out why. She couldn't give a reason, but she has distanced herself from both sides of their family, she sees me three tines a year for half an hour, but is bored, just a duty. You see your family but I think you need to give them space, because they do seem very caring, just because they are seeing her mother and gave given their reasons, dies the jean they won't ever include you, to ring her mother was not right it must have been embarrassing for her.

Every single year families up and down the country have to make compromises around Christmas.
Whose parents to see? Will the other ones feel left out?
This year of course covid is thrown into the mix with the inevitable differences of opinions about the risks involved with family mixings.

My view is those who are particularly nervous about the virus should be listened to and decisions about Christmas worked around them.

Inevitably a family which has been ultra careful is going to be very reluctant to see other family members who have been more lax aren’t they?

It’s really not worth risking a major upset for the sake of one day.

Doodledog. I think I may have phrased my post wrong. The thing about thinking if people with family abroad was just to emphasise really the “complaining “ tone of the OP.

I think this may not be a genuine story. No reappearance of Grannylancs .......

Try to see things from your son and DIL's point of view, Grannylancs. So many people are the 'meat in the sandwich' at Christmas, not spending it how they wish but how someone else wants. Having been in that position ourselves for many years, my husband and I vowed we wouldn't guilt trip our offspring. If they come to us, it's because they want to, not because it's our turn.

I really can’t see what all the fuss is about for what amounts to one day. I felt this kind of pressure with my own parents and in-laws and would not impose it on my own children.

Hi Everyone.

Thanks for all your comments. I'm sorry for everyone that is struggling to see people at Christmas, most years it is fine because they can just come down boxing day or whatever but this year, having not been inside since March and not knowing when we might be inside together again is a lot harder. I know I'm not alone in this and I was looking for some joint feelings but I see the perception is I'm over reacting.

There are lots of nasty comments about the cold. I didnt go out of my way to give the baby a cold, I didnt feel particularly ill just had some sniffles and a few sneezes that escalated during the visit. I just wanted to see my GS and if I could change that I would, but this was a year ago now nearly.

I'm not sure why people think this isnt a genuine post. I bet a lot of grandparents feel this way but darent speak up.
My DS is an only child but DILs family have more children they could spend time with. How am I meant to not be hurt by this decision?

Clearly I need to do some reflecting because I didnt expect this kind of reaction, I expected annoyancewith me and similar tales.

You have my empathy, this year is the first without my children. No advice to add as there is plenty here, but it’s tough I know. I’m planning to make things a little fun this year by making my own homemade baileys and eggnog! Do something jolly and different this year and try take your mind off the missing table settings.

The "nasty" comments about the cold come from your selfish, lack of introspective skills and childish behaviour - you wanted to see your GS, no matter the cost

It is truly not material for a rocket scientist to see how wrong it is - you put your wants above the health of an infant.

This, together with your complaints about no visit due to ovid and this latest xmas episode, is what monsters in law are made of.

You would be very very far away from my family till you learn to adjust your expectations.

If you have the slightest sniffle or doubt about a cold and a surgery is pending, you just stay away to be on the safe side. At the least you ask the family whether they want to risk it. I'd do this regardless of whether there was a pending surgery, it's just all the more important when there is that kind of thing. 'Just a sniffle' can be very poor timing for the family if they get it.

Having other children doesn't make up for the one who isn't there or not having the whole family together. It's also more people for them to want to catch up with. My SIL has family he can only see at Christmas so they often go to his family for it. It is only one day of the year. I can see them other times. I admit I felt a bit rejected when it sounded like they were going to do that every year but really, that is their call to make and not worth making a fuss about. That feeling did pass quickly. It is their right to decide to spend every year doing their own thing (and that is what they should do, they have grown up). I know what it's like to have ILs who must have Christmas their way and I don't want to be like that either.

Our children are their own people, not an extension of us. Their families are their own unit, not an extension of ours. I think we feel more tied to our children's families than they do to their family of origin. I think that's quite normal. It's okay to be disappointed when things don't happen like we'd like them to, but it's important to keep that in perspective and think about how we felt if relatives tried to force their will on us.

Please tread carefully if you want to preserve the relationship at all. There are many other days of the year. I know you haven't seen them since March but this has been an odd year with extra distance between people who might normally have connected. If you think you can own rather than try to justify the issue with last Christmas, maybe an apology would be a good place to start?

I have three children. Each one is an individual and deeply loved.
If you took one of my children and said “oh well you have two more” I would tell you where to go.

Her family want to see her (and her little family) she wants to see her family.
You don’t get a claim because you only had the one child. They do not get deprived of their daughter and her family because of you.

And yea, the ‘cold’ incident may have been a year ago but I promise you now. Knowing that you risked their babies health will stay with them for ever.
You have already nuked some bridges. Keep going and you very well will never have a relationship with any of them.

You've seen them throughout the year ,even if its garden visits you have seen them.I haven't seen my daughter or her family since the beginning of March.She has chronic health problems and theres no way I would put her at risk .Its just one day,this is the first Christmas we wont be with the whole family.some years there are 24 or more ,there will be 3 for dinner this year including my OH and I.jUST ENJOY YOUR DAY,YOU'LL SEE THEM WHEN THINGS IMPROVE

Grannylancs, hopefully some of the advice on here will, as you say, have given you food for thought.

Looking at your last comment you still haven’t quite grasped what people here are advising you though.
“I didn’t go out of my way to give the baby a cold.......I just wanted to see my GS”
In your son and DIL’s shoes this one section would (for me) sum up the issue. You assume this is perceived as a thing you’ve done on purpose - it’s probably not what they think, but it was very careless and selfish. Which is then backed up by the fact that you “just wanted”, your wants overrode theirs and more importantly the wee ones needs.

My advice would be to have a think and and see if you can appreciate their perspective? If pre-pandemic you were cavalier in your attitude to health/safety of their child, then that may be the basis of mistrust during the pandemic.
You obviously feel left out and that’s a horrible feeling for anyone, maybe try and put the emotion aside and look at the issues. If you can see where they’re coming from you might be in a better position to find some perspective.
If you do decide to apologise, make sure you actually know what you’re sorry for and don’t try and justify your actions - you’re right you can’t change what happened then, but you can control what you say and do moving forward. Saying I’m sorry and then following it up with a but or a justification isn’t a real apology - acknowledging where you went wrong, and how you’ll ensure it won’t happen again might give them some peace of mind. IMO you need to acknowledge where you went wrong.

It’s been a tough year for everyone, so I hope you and your mum and husband have a nice festive period and when emotions cool down a little, you’re able to get things back on track with your DS and his family.

Please don’t get upset and risk your future relationship with your DS and his family.
Call DS say you are sorry you got to upset and can you arrange to meet them in a park over the holidays so you can exchange presents and see your DGS. If they have a window I am sure they will agree. This is just 1 year and the more we keep away from each other the sooner it will be over. Think about the future not just the here and now.❤️

You still don’t get it though do you, you keep making but only comments
You have no rights over what your adult children do at Christmas time or any other time
Enjoy your Christmas with your husband and never, never never get your husband to have a word to try and get your own way with your children’s arrangements
I personally don’t think this has anything to do with CoviD they just want to spend their holiday with her family which is their right it was your turn last year and you messed it up

Think how lucky you are my son and grandkids live 12 000
niles away and spend EVERY Christmas with his in laws

There are lots of nasty comments about the cold. I didnt go out of my way to give the baby a cold, I didnt feel particularly ill just had some sniffles and a few sneezes that escalated during the visit. I just wanted to see my GS and if I could change that I would, but this was a year ago now nearly.

My comment about the cold was not intended to be nasty. Even a few sniffles would suggest not going before a coming operation, and should have o overridden yohr totally understandable desire to see your grandchild. It happened a year ago but sadly the fact that it happened has coloured their view of how much they can trust you etc. That may be exaggerated fear but even if it is then it is still how they feel and getting upset/angry/arguing is like to emphasise rather than reduce their fear!

I think many posters do understand how you feel. Many are also aware how easily this type of problem can escalate into much bigger ones and are suggesting that for your consideration, to try and avoid bigger problems

I hope that you can sort this out ok for all of you and that you can see your grandson soon when his parents feel ok about any arrangements

I personally find it really bizarre they way some people obsess about Christmas, under normal circumstances, but even more so this year. If you are going to be with your husband on that day OP, you're not alone then are you? If your grandson is only one, he's not going to be that aware of what's going on anyway. We are not living in normal times, this Christmas will be one like no other we've ever experienced, therefore precautionary measures are a prerogative many will want to exercise and rightly so. If only some people stopped busting a gut to meet up and just accept that hopefully we can all lead a more normal life once the vaccines have been rolled out and the virus is on the wane, then get togethers can be had under safer circumstances.

Visiting a new born about to have surgery, with even the beginnings of a cold does display a rather determined mind set which may have some bearing on how your son and d-i-law's Christmas arrangements in these particularly difficult circumstances we are living with.

Good post TB. Obsessing indeed.

One of my family members has 4 grown up kids and many grandchildren. She always does a Xmas day on Boxing Day. So the kids go their in laws on Xmas day (which keeps them happy) and it guarantees she gets everyone together on Boxing Day. Won’t be possible this year but usually works very well for all

Can you not see them at New Year instead? When my children were little we alternated between Christmas or New Year with my inlaws and own parents. Hopefully by Easter the vaccine will have been rolled out and families can get back to some kind of normal routine but, until then, I think you have to go with what your DS and partner want to do, the only comfort is that you are not alone in this, many Grandparents are finding it impossible to reconcile the instructions from the Government with visiting/having visitors at Christmas.

I live alone and have always been with a large family group - 4 households 4 children 6 adults, but this year I said very early on that I would not go so as to avoid all the upset this person is having - be the bigger person and do the sensible thing - it is a day that should not be complicated by upset and there is always something like Zoom for present opening if you cannot bear to miss that - there are so many risks with mixed households take it on the chin and meet when you can and are still well and safe

I understand how upset you are - we haven't seen most of our grandchildren for months, but really just two observations:
This three family exclusive bubble thing is unworkable for most families, is not going to contain the virus and as you are experiencing is going to cause a sea of upset and hurt feelings.
Secondly my parents and in-laws used to do this "it's not fair" and "it's our turn" thing about Christmas and consequently I absolutely loathe everything about the season to be jolly now because it represents pressure and miffed people!
We've already told our DD and DS that the only thing we will consider is a Christmas picnic somewhere on day that suits them as they are both pressured to meet from others and the exclusive 3 will be a complete myth!