Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

There are 365 days in the year, with the covid virus crisis around the World, surely one or two days a year can't be worth all the weeping and wailing about who sees who!! Just can't believe people are prepared to risk friction within their family over this ridiculous rubbish!

Personally, I’ve told the whole family (3 married children, six grandchildren - blessed) that I’d rather be alone this Christmas (widow last 17 years) than be ‘six feet under’ next Christmas.
This leaves them free to make whatever plans they want with their other halves’ families, although I get the impression that they’ll all be taking the same cautious and in my view sensible approach. With vaccines on the horizon what’s the rush?
As to your visiting last year with ‘the start of a cold’ prior to GS op I’m not surprised they don’t trust you, to be honest. You shouldn’t have been anywhere near him pre-op!
Why not redeem yourself by being gracious and unselfish this Christmas, then maybe plan a family get together later in the year, when it’s safer?

Goodness, this does all sound very childish. Just have Christmas with your DH and sort out something with your son and DIL for another time!

If the daughter-in-law's family are staying home and not mixing with anyone, as opposed to visiting shops, they are a safer bet for the parents who are being ultra careful about their baby. Who can blame them?

Of course a cold virus can be picked up anywhere but, if you're isolating before planned surgery and someone with a cold spends time in your house, sneezing and coughing, it's highly likely that the cold you then develop came from them! That's a reality.

We live in Ireland and havent seen our youngest daughter and family for a year now. Shes not the best communicator and I did point out gently that she should put a bit more effort in which seems to have hit home. Ive no doubt that once the pandemic is under control she will be sorting out flights for them all. We do facetime but its not quite the same. I have had major heart surgery this year (and lived to tell the tale) so now very aware of my own mortality and the importance of family. However Christmas is only a couple of days in the year and im sure most families have many more days to celebrate together.

I really struggle with this - unless one is particularly religious Dec25th is another day on the calendar. Having worked with so many people who were not going to live to see Christmas on Dec 25th and who had the ‘get together’ early because of that fact I believe it can be held any time.

I'm not going to blame you (OP) for your feelings. I think secretly we all get a bit of a lurch in our tummy when someone is chosen over us. But this bubble system was always going to be very hard on the non-chosen and perhaps it would have been better in the long run to maintain your dignity and simply go to your mum's as ds suggested. Your mum will get all the same feelings you had about your son if you don't! So now you know what it feels like, you can feel good about sparing your mum from it.

I must admit that I would be furious if you visited a young child of mine about to have surgery when you had a cold, I would have asked you to leave straight away. No excuse for that in my eyes and it would make me wary (rightly or wrongly) of whether you've been following current Covid guidelines. Perhaps you might accept it was the wrong thing to do, apologise and give in gracefully to this years arrangements. Enjoy a quieter day with DH and make the most of it without any ill feelings if possible.

For goodness sake don't alienate them more. It seems a little selfish to have gone with a cold or the end of one in the circumstances and I am with them re-shopping centres, I don't imagine you have to go, we have a fortnightly shop and I have been to a quiet supermarket half a dozen times since early March, we are lucky in having lovely countryside and beaches to walk but I really don't need to go to a shopping centre, do you? If you like shopping and it is your 'hobby' I understand but there are other things you can do. I know that sounds harsh and I do have sympathy with your situation but you could have 'Christmas' outdoors in the summer or when we've all been vaccinated, that's what we're doing, imagine how bad you'd feel if you gave covid to them or how guilty they'd feel if they gave it to you. I'm sure they don't mean to upset you but decisions have to be made. Try to plan a nice time for the two of you, special treats in the food line, a good film, special presents (though my husband and I are giving eachother a week away when we can rather than presents), a good walk if the weather is nice or whatever you like doing and are allowed. If you can change your attitude of mind you'll have a much better time than if you are determined to be miserable, I know it's hard, I'd love to spend Christmas with family, but it won't happen this year apart from on zoom

Grannylancs, you need to back off. Just reading your post made my hair stand on end.
By your own admission you were pushy and then got your husband to phone and have a word. Really?
That's a good reason for your DIL and DS not to want to invite you in future. And contacting her mum seems underhand to me.
Just have your own mum over for Christmas and be thankful.
By the way, I'm probably going to be on my own as I don't want to risk my health or others by joining a big family gathering, but it will just make next year all the more special.

May I humbly suggest that a sincere apology from OP would go a long way towards ensuring good relations within the family from now on.
Whatever religion anyone may be, Christmas is surely the time to exhibit kindness, generosity of spirit, and love, and especially in this most difficult year. I hope all Gnetters will keep well and safe and manage what may be a rather strange Christmas for most of us.

I think you need to step back. Christmas is not a competition. My own DD and SIL cannot visit his parents this Christmas (its their turn but they live abroad) It is so sad for his parents but they are brilliant. Before foreign travel was banned we actually offered them our house to stay in and said we would go to other relations so they could have a family Christmas together. In your place I would now apologise for being so pushy. I would explain that you were upset because you really want to see them, but you TOTALLY understand the situation and are looking forward to seeing them when you can. Otherwise your future relationship could be a problem and Christmas become a battleground - which is not what it is all about. Have a Christmas Zoom call and be gracious. Keep your dignity. Causing a family row is not going to help you in the long term.

I know you feel hurt, but look on the bright side! You can watch want you want on TV, you can eat what you want and when you want, you can do what you want?

Last year your baby GS was awaiting surgery and you visited when you knew you were starting with a cold? And you go retail, ie unnecessary, shopping every week and for coffee with friends? They have a baby DS who is now post operative and they prefer to spend Christmas with the part of the family that are keeping away from shops apart from what is absolutely necessary.?And you're wondering why you're not the chosen party for Christmas celebrations?
Give your head a wobble and resign yourself to making Christmas as enjoyable as possible for you and your DH and DM.

they don't trust us to be honest about when we were ill

This is the point.

It doesn't matter whether anyone caught your cold or not - you put their very new baby at risk because of your selfishness.

They don't trust you not to do that again and they don't like you very much because you did that.

Your son's choice is to avoid you as much as possible, especially during a pandemic.
He is right to do so and you could push him into cutting contact with you altogether if you continue to be so selfish.

Pestyone although I have had no real problems with my children, I too have will be alone unless my DD persuades his family to eat in the garden. We are living in strange times, I used to have 14 round the table. I haven’t seen, in the flesh, one front line Manchester working daughter since last February and the other two plus grandchildren since the summer because of French lockdown.
I don’t understand how people say the are alone when they have someone to see and talk to even if the relationship isn’t milk and honey. I honesty do not see are speak to anyone in the flesh from dawn to dusk.

Grannylancs You should have thought before visiting your grandson, it will very difficult for you DS to forget that his Son’s life was put in danger my his mother, you will have to live with that. The best thing would be to drop any notion of visiting them in the near future. Zoom time everyone with a smile, not mentioning how you would have liked Christmas, and think about sunny days next spring with a big Easter reunion.

Christmas is just one day and a lot of people are on their own, with no husband, wife, family, etc....so at least you are fortunate you have all of those to be grateful for and you will see them again .....so count your blessings and enjoy your day..you can at least speak to them on the phone ...but please don't give them a guilt trip or you may never see them again. Be happy and thankful for what you have.

I feel for you grannylancs. We never see our GC on Christmas Day. They usually arrive on the 26 th and stay for a couple of days. (This year that won’t be happening.) DIL has already said that they are going to MIL for Christmas. No discussion with anyone. MIl has seen the children at least six time this year already but we haven’t seen them since last Christmas.
We’ll be on own again. Not bothering to put a tree up, not worth it.

It really wouldn't bother, a lovely peaceful day doing what we like x

Further to my previous post, this thread has got me thinking about Christmas per se, under normal circumstances and varying attitudes towards it.

Christmas it can be said, is almost like the big white wedding fantasy lite! It's one day, some over invest in it, it doesn't always reflect real life. Yes it can be magical when children are of that optimum age which falls briefly between being too young to understand and the knowledge that Father Christmas doesn't exist. It's a small window. A baby aged one will be oblivious to it all that's for sure, and feeling desperate to spend the first or even second Christmas with an unknowing infant, is buying into the Disneyesque fantasy peddled by masses of schmaltzy consumer ads.

Yes we had nice Christmases with our children when they were young, at our house. Since the grandchildren's arrival, more often than not they've been with the other side, an occasional actual day with us, that's fine. I would suggest that sometimes the days when they have been present have been the most exhausting, young children particularly are at their sparkly best when confronted with "the pile" as each present is opened, and often cast aside that elation diminishes, until the last present is revealed and what surrounds them and us is the debris. Frustration often sets in when things can't be constructed to their liking, or some integral piece is missing Often we the adults are stuck with umpteen instruction leaflets to try and make sense of. When my children were young I always read them a book by the wonderful Shirley Hughes around the Christmas period, called "Tom and Lucy's Christmas" she captured that perfectly, Lucy and Tom getting up at the crack of dawn, opening all the presents, eating too much becoming overwrought, tired and frazzled, all ending in tears and tantrums!

Whilst I'm going to miss some close family adult get togethers, mass, carol services, mince pies and wine have been very much part of our Christmas Eve. There's no point in being disappointed in what cannot be this year, better in my opinion to look forward to hopefully better times when getting together wont be a potentially life threatening event. In the meantime, I'm quite happy for it to be the two of us, scrambled eggs, smoked salmon, Bucks Fizz, watching what we like, not trying to turn cartwheels making sure everyone else is being suitably catered for and then relaxing over possibly dinner later, and if the weather is nice an afternoon walk.

I consider myself lucky having read the sad post up thread, not the OP, but the one where the mother has become estranged from her only son. There are many people alone and unhappy at Christmas, quite honestly, the rampant cranking up of what is after all a religious festival gone rogue, really hits those people hard. All the bickering about who sees who is just such a load of nonsense imo.

Oh dear I think you sound like hard work and that's probably the problem rather than Covid As my own Gran used to say "it's best to wait until you are invited"

GrauntyHelen
Nail on the head ? They just don't want her there. End of!!

ExD

(can I lighten things up a little?)
How does the old poem go?

"your son is your son 'till he gets him a wife,
Your daughter's your daughter the rest of her life"

....... something like that - an old ode that makes sweeping generalizations but contains a pinch of truth somewhere.
Time to paint on the smile and pull up the big girl's knickers?

Oh not again.

I feel most sorry for poor old Mum. Sounds to me like everyone is leaving her on her own on Christmas Day. Have you asked her what she would like to do?

I think if you do not apologise for making such a fuss you may alienate them for a long time.

Your daughter in laws family are obviously more important to her and she is more important to your son than you are.

I am sorry you are in this situation,please try not to make it worse.