Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

‘ We don't normally celebrate Easter at all but DIL family do so would be an opportunity to invite them for a 'big day'.

... & the answer to that is No.

Your DiL’s celebrate Easter for a reason & probably in a particular way that has meaning for them. An invitation to a ‘A Big Day ’ at yours will not land well in this instance.

You may have to be at your most gracious & accommodating for a while to serve your term for ‘Snifflesgate’ last year - you did get that wrong & seem to have been tone deaf about their legitimate concerns.

Step back for a while to reflect.

I’d enjoy your quiet Christmas, put your feet up and have contact with your family via phone, video etc. At least you won’t be on your own like a lot of elderly people are every year

Lucca

ExD

(can I lighten things up a little?)
How does the old poem go?

"your son is your son 'till he gets him a wife,
Your daughter's your daughter the rest of her life"

....... something like that - an old ode that makes sweeping generalizations but contains a pinch of truth somewhere.
Time to paint on the smile and pull up the big girl's knickers?

Oh not again.

Oh not that again.
My sons are still very much my sons just with the added bonus of a lovely wife each.

I seriously doubted OP was a genuine post with all that whingeing and getting husband to have a word etc
Also babies are not possessions that you have absolute rights to see as often as you like.

Speaking as the mom of a preterm baby who spent 2 weeks in NICU, if you had turned up to cough and sneeze all over my baby, that would have been the last time you came near enough to him to endanger him.

Never mind not wanting to become the MIL from hell. Too late.

If you want to salvage any relationship, write an humble apology letter now.

Next step: cut off.

If they are totally isolating and you're not, that is probably why they don't think it's safe to meet up. Totally your choice about how much Covid risk you expose yourself to, but you don't get to make that choice for others by exposing them through contact with you. Not being honest about the cold last year has clearly been remembered. They're not prepared to risk it again.

In relation to the DiL issue, it may be that she will spend more time with her family. The relationship you have with your son will be what decides how much you see him. It sounds as if you damaged that relationship last year, when you exposed a health compromised newborn and the family to your cold.

I do think you need to be very careful. There are so many estrangement threads on here. If you push too much, you might push them away.

I would back off completely. If you hear from them, gush about the plans you've put in place, make obvious you're not going to make a fuss. Possibly a comment about seeing them when everything calms down.

"Oh not again" my thoughts too Lucca, I always cringe when I see that.

I prefer 'a son is a son for the whole of his life, whether or not he has a wife' which is how it should be. Presumably mum's of daughters don't expect to lose them when they marry, so why should the mum's of sons?

If it means so much to you to see them, why haven't you knocked the Saturday shopping on the head?

Don't turn this into a battle with your family.
I'm sure if you ask friends you will find another couple that you can team up with.
You should be grateful that you have a husband to spend your day with and leave your son to make his own decisions. We have 4 children all with spouses all with children under 8. They are buddying up together in 2s so the cousins can enjoy being with each other. Thay each have a couples friend or sister/brother in law with children that they have agreed to buddy up with to make the 3 households. None of this includes us or in-laws. I think it has been planned brilliantly and I love the idea that all my grandchildren will have each other. I have aslo said they are not to spend the day zooming or calling parents that they have left out as this is unfair on our grandchildren.
We have our eye on the vaccine and getting there in one piece .

Wow. Your whole first post is exactly about you trying to guilt trip everyone!!

Accept that you will be with just your dh at christmas and stop trying to get everyone to do what you want before you damage your family relationships permanently.

To be honest, I do not think that you should have visited them when you had a cold and knowing that surgery was scheduled.

In your son and DIL's place, I would have been furious and find it very difficult to trust you in the present circumstances.

They should have been honest about their anger at the time.

You are only upsetting yourself by continuing to discuss Christmas with them. If you continue to do so, you risk them refusing to spend Christmas with you next year, as well as this year.

Give in gracefully and try not to resent their decision.

Can someone on gransnet tell me why so many people feels so entitled nowadays. For most of us nobody owes us anything yet we get so obsessed by being left out of peoples arrangements. Christmas day is just one day, it is 24 hours that will come and go like yesterday and tomorrow. I was reminded today that when my generation were children in Scotland, Christmas was hardly noticed as most of our dads worked it like any other. I've never understood the hysteria about Christmas. It causes more anger and tears than is necessary about 1 day. Please please get it into proportion. It will be done in 24 hours.

I’m just wondering about your very elderly mum in all this. Shouldn’t she be your priority as you have no way of knowing how many more years she will still be around for Christmas?

You did mention possibly having her for Christmas day but does she know that?

You want to see your son and grandchild.
Your mum may well be having very anxious feelings about whether she will see her daughter.

Exactly nipsmum. I'm working Christmas Day. And not devastated about it. It's one day.

I really wouldn,t want to go anywhere where I hadn,t been invited . I left it to my grown up children to make the arrangements they feel comfortable with . I have had 69 lovely Christmasses its their turn now .

TBH I think it is you who are being unreasonable. If you are going to coffee shops and socialising ( when allowed) I also wouldn’t want to have Christmas with you. Why make a fuss? It is their choice to look after their family, they are doing what they think is sensible and correct. Asking DH to ‘have a word’ was confrontational and purposeless, enjoy it with DH & DM.

Remember the old saying: A son's a son 'til he takes a wife. But a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life.
It is natural for your DIL to be with her family for Christmas, and your son will want to keep her happy. To make a fuss would be to risk driving your son away.
My attitude to who goes where at Xmas has always been fairly relaxed, having all kinds of undercurrents and pressures in my wider family over the years.
This year is so much worse for many people, and in ways that are beyond the majority's comprehension.
Maybe it's time to be thankful for what we have, and not cause difficulties for our families who may be struggling.

It’s really up to our children to do what they wish at any time of the year. I know it’s hard to ‘let go’ but you probably brought up your family to be independent.

I have to be honest here. I would have been very cross if you had come to my home “sneezing and snuffling” and then again two weeks later and coughing (although I appreciate that might have been because of the weather). I think I would have been inclined to blame you for your grandson’s surgery postponement.
However, it would have been better had you been told right from the start that that was the reason you were not invited.
It really is not that important. As others have said, you have your husband to enjoy Christmas with. I may well be alone as my daughter won’t come near me as she babysits her school age grandchildren and is terrified of passing something on to me. This is a strange year and things will be very different over Christmas for many people.
Push it to the back of your mind and enjoy a lovely cosy Christmas with your husband. Just think — you can get up when you want to, dress as you please and choose your own menu.— bliss!

Yes, sorry! I forgot your mother. She would probably appreciate Christmas with you both too, rather than being on her own.

Oh no, don’t say that*Lazyriver*, I was picked on for saying that. These sayings, although fairly lighthearted, don’t come from nowhere. There’s always going to be exceptions I’m sure, but generally, judging by many threads, and life experiences, it’s spot on.

Seriously? Grow up...judging by your self-pitying attitude and the fact you clearly have a problem with your DIL I can understand why they don’t want you there. It was selfish and entitled to visit a sick baby when you clearly knew you had a virus. Shame on you.

my DS has been going to DIL parents for christmas since before they got married (over 6 years now), I think its selfish. We took turns with our parents when they were alive and I guess I thought the same would happen. Since grandaughter arrived they still get first preference over everything and both DH and I get upset (hopefully we hide it well ), It is just the way it is.I'm sure that if we complained it would cause ructions and I think it's better for all if we enjoy the time we do get a visit. It is just one part of the year and this one has been so odd it's hard to tell whether it is Monday or Saturday so any visit could be considered a christmas celebration even if you have to wait till Easter
.

I can relate to this it makes me sad. I live alone and on every holiday my son goes to his wifes family. They are not alone as they have lots of other family. (before and after Covid) I do not think it has dawned on them no matter how much I say the difference between being alone as part of a couple or other family opposed to actually being ALONE. This has been going on for 10 years every year I hope for a change but there is none. The ONLY way I ever see my son is by taking care of my granddaughter through the week and this is starting to be hard for me I already care for my grandson by my daughter but I dare not complain I will not have any connection at all. Any advice is appreciated!

The post I would like to read is the son and DiL version of events. They have obviously had a traumatic time with the new baby and while your 'sniffles' were not much of an issue with you, the ramifications were obviously huge to them. I think they can see that you are not as cautious as some and therefore are protecting themselves as best they can. Personally I have not been into a shop since March. I really think that its time to take note of some of the excellent advice posted.

I meant to mention both my own parents are gone so I can't visit them or that is exactly what I would do and my sister and brother are currently in another place under lockdown yes it is a strange year for all.