Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

Unless they're all totally self centred which is unlikely, it must have been obvious that you and your DH would feel upset to be excluded.

That said, I can't imagine leaving my own mum alone on Christmas day. So you now have the opportunity of her spending the day with you and your DH. Perfect.

Me???? I'm staying home on Christmas Day cos I can feel that vaccine sitting in a fridge waiting for me. My sleeve is rolled up and ready! My family fully understand, thank goodness.

Try not to dwell on this. We all react differently....

Oh I do love the sound of what you are doing and may think about this for us rather than spending half the day cooking. Enjoy.

We know how your family feels, we have elderly neighbours who have said they always get colds & flue this time of year, it turns out thou they have a car they use public transport - ??
Next time maybe say youv'e got colds or anything else in open & trusting conversation before you turn up and pass on lurgies. Cheers

You wont be alone though...you have each other. Some people will be alone.

Who needs family therapy when you've got the combined wisdom of Gransnetters which is far better--always full of well thought out advice based on years of life experience!

Missing moominM- thats just mean to OP- she deliberately jeopardise her GS's surgery! Its not something she did on purpose! Stop picking on folk. Its understandable she wants to see her son & grandson at some point.It seems tight to hold a grudge nearly a year for something she couldnt help then use it this year to punish her with! That sounds a bit crazy to do do thf.

Personally I think you should back off as you are in danger of making yourself 'persona non grata' with your dil and her family. Enjoy a quiet Christmas with your DH and possibly old mum, Covid isn't going to last for ever but ill feeling can last for years.

This is what technology is for. Also, on another note - none of my three children lives here; my daughter who is a nun can come once a month, and the boys work on shifts, so you can imagine the logistics behind finding a Sunday when they can all come, and the way things are, she might not even be able to come at all in December. If I were you I wouldn't sweat it.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

The OP did NOT jeapordise the surgery on purpose! It was not even proven the cold was from them.(even if they isolated before surgery a cold bug can be picked up from anywhere!) From their shopping/parcels/post deliveries even or actually in the hospital, or from any health professionals they see before the surgery! They could have given it to them not other way round!

On my eldest DD and DSL first Christmas my DD told me she was spending Christmas day with me and her siblings and DSL was spending Christmas day with his DP's and siblings as l thought it very strange they should want to spend their first Christmas apart l pushed her for the real reason, turns out the DML had started crying and wanted them all to herself for the whole day, DSL isn't an only child btw, l certainly wasn't making them spend their first Christmas in separate houses so l suggested we did boxing day, the relief on her face said it all, l was upset but l didn't show it and wouldn't dream of emotional blackmail.

In our mid twenties, when we moved into our first home together ( an unfurnished rented flat with very little furniture)
we didn't visit either set of parents but stayed at home that first Christmas. We had Bucks Fizz and scrambled eggs with salmon for brunch then we went for a walk along the Thames by Ham House. When we got back we watched a film by Kurosawa on tv and I can't remember what we cooked for dinner. What I do remember was that it was a lovely, peaceful day.

Pennykins "she who has to be obeyed" is not a good attitude to take. You run the risk of alienating your son. His loyalties should lie with his fiancee and not with you.

My only son, DIL & only granddaughter live in Canada....havent seen them for over a year & unlikely we will be able to see them for another year (until we & they have had vaccinations)so we will FaceTime & feel very grateful that we are all fit & well. Please be thankful grannylincs that you have family that you will be able to see after Christmas. It is ONE day & not worth falling out over....just plan your day & enjoy. Dont hold grudges or it will only bring you sorrow! Life is too short...

We had 8 years of travelling almost 300 miles to see our families in turn with tension and upset from various family members on both sides each time.
We took the decision when our DD was born in a cold and freezing December that we would not do any more travelling and told everyone they were very welcome to come to us but we would have Christmas at home from then on.
It took a lot of pressure off and we could start our own traditions. Some years we had visitors other times not but we would contact everyone on Christmas morning and then the rest of the day was a relaxing family time,
We visited family later in the year in better weather and things were much easier as we could have days out and were not all cooped up together.
I know some will be horrified by our plan of action but, it worked for us and the children all have lovely family memories of Christmas.

See if you can meet up halfway between your homes for a lovely walk and a picnic ?. Any time in December will do. You can exchange presents and have a lovely time.
What does it matter really? It’s just one day. And next year will be different again

grannylancs you said 'we' will be alone, lucky you, I can say I will be alone as I was last Christmas. I am disabled housebound and my family were not allowed to visit and it will be the same this year. at least you have some company, stop being so selfish enjoy what you can

No good comes of forcing people to socialise (I don't meant Covid-wise - just people end up resenting it). Also they do have a point if you visited while infectious last year. So, be happy when you do get to see them - and whatever you do don't mix while ill. People have become more aware of how irresponsible this is now.

My own eldest sons family have just been diagnosed with covid19 (son not yet but hes looking after his wife & kids so may get infected!) Including newish early baby- so i doubt they'll be seeing anyone for foreseeable future! I'm worried sick for them all. Puts it all in perspective for me- they've been so careful not had anyone in house etc (even I've only seen baby once!) But because stupid Boris is still keeping education open & sending kids in like cannon fodder that's how they've caught it- eldest GS got it first at school! Boris is a idiot!??

So would you rather be somewhere unwelcome and under sufferance? I have never had a christmas with one of my gss because they live a long way away. It was thoughtless to take your colds to you DS’s house in the knowledge that gs was due to have an important operation. You should have asked if they were ok about you going. Strange as it may seem to you, christmas isn’t all about what you want.

I’m not going to say anything about you visiting with a cold as it’s all been said and surely you must realise by now how wrong it was, what I would advise is to be careful that you don’t turn into one of those mother in laws from hell that no daughter in law wants to visit and consequently the son visits less and less, and with him being an only child you sound at risk of becoming one.
As other posts have said it’s none of your business what he and his wife decide to do you sound a little controlling and maybe he has more fun at his in laws, he’s not a child anymore
Just think of that mother off sorry the program with Ronnie Corbett years ago ( if you saw it) and be careful that you don’t come across like her.

Please please try to put this behind you and look forward to making the best of decisions that others have made. Your son now has his own family and they rightly will take precedence. Christmas will be different for all of us this year - you are not alone. Your son’s family have had a difficult and worrying enough time without having to cope with a needy mother. Be strong - it must be harder when you have just one child. But think of your own mother too - spend time with her - try not to let feelings of jealousy and competition colour your love for your son and family. I’m sure you had no intention of passing on a cold- and worry over their son probably made your son and daughter in law very sensitive to this and likely to blame you - It has been a horrible year for all of us. One of my children has a profoundly disabled daughter - we would love to see them - they have 4 children and we haven’t seen them or hugged them since February - My son and his wife are so worried that their daughter will get the bug - they are also worried about us and that we might pick something up. Their views have to be respected. Help your son by being cheerful and positive- this will all end eventually- good luck?

And its not like gs is a little kid either hes a teenager and been following all the school rules too (clearly someone else has not!) And in particular our family has had so many premature babies over last 28 yrs that our family have always been used to hand washing/sanitising! We always have had hand sanitiser in our houses ever since!

grannylancs - you are in great danger of alienating your son and dil if you continue with your selfishness which is what your behaviour is demonstrating. There are valid reasons why your son is spending Christmas with his wife's family. It will be your 'turn' for Christmas next year. The suspicion that you aren't as careful about passing on colds etc. has only come about because of your behaviour. It's an objective observation. Also, getting your husband to phone your son and 'have a word' is emotional blackmail, which is nothing short of bullying. Finally, it seems you have your own elderly mother who will be alone at Christmas. Would you seriously put your own desire not to allow your son's in-laws their 'turn' before keeping an old lady company on one day a year? Sorry if I sound harsh, but you're the one exerting the pressure on this situation and you need to stop otherwise, your son and dil won't need any encouragement to cut you out of family gatherings (when covid has gone).

(can I lighten things up a little?)
How does the old poem go?

"your son is your son 'till he gets him a wife,
Your daughter's your daughter the rest of her life"

....... something like that - an old ode that makes sweeping generalizations but contains a pinch of truth somewhere.
Time to paint on the smile and pull up the big girl's knickers?

My heart goes out to you: this was always going to be a problem with these arrangements - and also for people who live on their own and have no family or can’t get to see them. In some ways I think they are worst off: no benefit from the relaxation in restrictions, but they will still have to endure the same ratchetting up of lockdown which may follow, at the darkest time of year. As so many have said, we just have to make the most of what we have and look forward to Christmasses to come