Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

I have to say I am so bemused over all this fuss about one day in the year.
We go each year to my DH 's daughter and family along with her husband's family.
We enjoy it very much but I think there will be too many "bubbles " this year so we are going to say we will be spending Christmas alone.
I am not being entirely altruistic because as we are both over 80 I think it is the wisest move and it means I can have a doze when I feel like it and eat what I want when I want to

Lazyriver, you are correct.
My Dr son told me years ago that many of his middle aged women patients who came to him because they felt depressed had fallen out with their daughters in law and were upset because their sons had "sided" with their wives -as they should.

Oh SingleGran I have no advice; I wish I did. It makes me so sad and angry when I read a post like yours. Only seeing your son when you're looking after your GD during the week is so unfair.

Maybe for some, they think that ridiculous saying about a sons and daughters is set in stone and that's how it should be. Well it isn't, it's wrong for the son's parent(s) to always miss out in favour of his wife's.

Maybe one day if they have sons and they are on the receiving end, they'll understand how hurtful and selfish that attitude is.

Goodness me, what a fuss. No wonder families fall out with people being so needy

I totally agree about the media (and often public) obsession with what happens at Christmas - one or two days out of the year. I am more distressed about the fact that I haven't been able to see my daughter, her partner and my grandson for most of the year, who cares about Christmas? I have felt for many years that we all get far too stressed about Christmas and if you want to see your family, why wait until Christmas as there are 360 odd other days that you can see them (except for this year obviously, ha ha!)

We are planning on seeing my daughter and her family at Christmas but only because the Government is letting us do that as she is living in Tier 3 and, ,as I say, I haven't seen her and my grandson for many, many months and I'm making the most of it - also it is her birthday on 5th December so a visit at Christmas will also be a belated birthday visit.

I agree with Backedintoacorner! Visiting a newborn awaiting surgery whilst I'll is not putting child first...only own interests.

Yay Heather ! Could not agree more !
Why do some parents/ grandparents suddenly become petulant children ? It really is not pretty. Get over yourselves.

Autocorrect typo..ill..not I'll!

It's supposed to be three households isn't it? So that's the dil's parents, DS and Dil, and her two siblings. That's four households already unless I'm mistaken.

I probably should have added a caviat to my old wives saying as I have 2 daughters and no sons!
My DH was always a good son, and I hope I was a good DIL
Ah but my daughters both have sons, so we shall see !

DiscoDancer1975

Oh no, don’t say that*Lazyriver*, I was picked on for saying that. These sayings, although fairly lighthearted, don’t come from nowhere. There’s always going to be exceptions I’m sure, but generally, judging by many threads, and life experiences, it’s spot on.

Sorry if you felt picked on it’s just that it crops up non stop on gransnet and I know plenty of people for who, it is simply not true,
And then it appears twice in the same thread........

I can relate to this it makes me sad. I live alone and on every holiday my son goes to his wifes family. They are not alone as they have lots of other family. (before and after Covid) I do not think it has dawned on them no matter how much I say the difference between being alone as part of a couple or other family opposed to actually being ALONE. This has been going on for 10 years every year I hope for a change but there is none. The ONLY way I ever see my son is by taking care of my granddaughter through the week and this is starting to be hard for me I already care for my grandson by my daughter but I dare not complain I will not have any connection at all. Any advice is appreciated!

Singlegran It is kind of you to relate with the OP, but I do think your circumstances are somewhat different to the OPS. I am sorry that you find yourself in that position. It is such a difficult one to be in, isn't it!

I can understand them being angry about you visiting with a cold.
But it feels mean of them to leave you out at Xmas.
It seems that you’re in the awful situation of one family being favoured over another.
But like others have said, you won’t change their minds.
I’ve come to realise that parents of adult children aren’t allowed to have feelings, or be disappointed to be sidelined for another family.
But be aware, you can’t win, so for your own sanity , it’s best to say nothing. Enjoy your Xmas, have some lovely treats, and don’t let them see it bothers you.
I’ve been in a similar situation and made the mistake of telling my son how upset I was. Big mistake. We are now estranged, and I haven’t seen him for 4 years.

Let it go,and don’t stress.You do have each other.There are many of us will be alone

I know you are feeling aggrieved and isolated but could I ask if you ever thought about asking anyone to you? You are asking others what they are doing but doesn't appear you are actually doing any inviting. You only see DIL mother occasionally? Why should she feel she should ask you at Christmas when she has to prioritise people? I wonder how your husband and mother feel. Perhaps they might like to be invited and included at Christmas by you?

You are totally unreasonable. You sound entitled and pushy.
Our 1st Christmas (married) we flew back to
Ireland separately, like all previous years, and my DM wasnt best pleased. Complicated.
That was that. No more Christmas visits home, suited us.
You may have ruined all future Christmases for yourself.

Lots of people asking questions so...

Is DIL Family 4 households?
No, their youngest son is going to his fiancees family apparently (I didn't know this at the time)

Seeing my DM
We have a strange relationship, we talk weekly on the phone and pre covid would visit every couple of months and take them for dinner. DS and DIL are very close to DM (they visited twice a week for 2 years after work) and DIL will ring DM weekly on a walk in addition to DS ringing her weekly. No-one rings me. I do think, given the choice, they would choose DM over myself.

Do boxing day or similar?
We are not in their bubble so can't see them at all over christmas. We are tier 3 so can't meet outside either.

Following advice on here I message DS to say that I'm sorry if I caused trouble I was just upset they weren't going to see us this year. Can DS pop up with GS at some point to get presents near Christmas and we can have a little visit for an hour?
They said that they didn't want to just go and get presents and DIL has suggested that once the vaccine is out and we all have it she cook us a fake christmas dinner at their house or a little party style buffet and we do Christmas then.

So now I have to be jabbed with a unknown vaccine before I see GS. I guess, looking at this post, I will have to take what I can get.
Thanks everyone, especially the people who seem to think I purposefully went round to infect my GS last year.

grannylancs’ complaint brought back awful memories of the pressure we were put under every year to spend Christmas with DH’s parents. I vowed never to do this with my daughters. This year we have told them that we will stay at home and they can decide between them who they spend Christmas with, not having to worry about us. You’ve now upset your DS and, inevitably you DDL, who won’t forget!

“Jabbed with an unknown vaccine” . You really are in a negative mood! What else do you suggest, pretend it’s not happening ?
I’m starting to feel a tad sorry for DH....

Thinking of you PestyOne. Hope this Christmas will not feel too lonely for you. My youngest (a son) said he wanted to volunteer to not come to us for Christmas (following the three households rule) which was his way of saying he doesn't want to come! I'm not going to push it, though he'll be on his own. He's hard work and argumentative. Another grown up child, also on own, wants to sleep and rest on Christmas day at her own place as her job is so stressful. Again, I respect this. TBH I'm not averse to a stress-free Christmas for myself and husband. Grown up offspring are not like the little children they were so the magic is hard to recreate. Grandchild will be with parents and the maternals. Going to get back if I can to the spirit of the first Christmas.

The ingredients are public knowledge and easily accessed ?

Lucca

“Jabbed with an unknown vaccine” . You really are in a negative mood! What else do you suggest, pretend it’s not happening ?
I’m starting to feel a tad sorry for DH....

I worry about having a vaccine that's new! I don't feel that's unfounded.

Ohhhhh Grannylancs - still not really getting it are you?
No-one here has said you sat plotting to infect a baby with any sort of illness.
It was careless and a bit selfish, but you can’t change what happened. What myself and others are encouraging you to do is to acknowledge this. Acknowledge that your behaviour wasn’t appropriate and apologise for it. Your intentions have no bearing on the outcome here - I have no doubt you love your GC and wouldn’t want to harm them, but you need to be accountable for the fact that you did in fact put him at risk health wise. And then took more risks than your DS and his family were comfortable with during the pandemic.
I sincerely hope you do a bit of self reflection on this, I have read umpteen threads which start like this and end in a strained relationship or estrangement because one party struggles to admit fault without trying to make excuses.
Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes or says the wrong thing at times, so please don’t get defensive - people are trying to give you a different viewpoint which may help you moving forward.

I'm glad you've apologised grannylancs. It's a lovely offer from your d.i.l. to do Christmas at a later date when there's a vaccine available but I don't understand why, having asked if they could pop round so you can have "a little visit for an hour", the response has been "that they didn't want to just go and get presents".

IMO that is them being unreasonable; if this is what you would like them to do to at least give you the opportunity to see them and your GC only briefly, then why not?

SingleGram, how well do you get on with your DIL? If reasonably well, could you confide in her that you miss seeing your son for a 'proper visit'? So many wives nudge their husbands to visit their mums, maybe your DIL would do the same for you? With careful wording, it doesn't have to alienate your DIL.

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