Not included in DS/DIL & GS Christmas bubble

Smileless2012

I'm glad you've apologised grannylancs. It's a lovely offer from your d.i.l. to do Christmas at a later date when there's a vaccine available but I don't understand why, having asked if they could pop round so you can have "a little visit for an hour", the response has been "that they didn't want to just go and get presents".

IMO that is them being unreasonable; if this is what you would like them to do to at least give you the opportunity to see them and your GC only briefly, then why not?

I thought this was unreasonable of them too. They do not want to come inside at all as we aren't in their bubble.

I think your daughter in law has suggested exactly what many many families across the country will be doing, mine included, waiting until the vaccination is available seems very sensible, we are thinking about getting together at Easter. It appears from your latest post that you are jealous of the relationship your Mother has with your son and his wife, and really I do not think anyone on this thread accused you of purposefully infecting your grandson. You seem to think that the world is against you, maybe you could begin to consider that you are looking for slights when there are none? You really should try to make a positive effort to change, because really it is yourself that you are hurting most,

SpringyChicken

SingleGram, how well do you get on with your DIL? If reasonably well, could you confide in her that you miss seeing your son for a 'proper visit'? So many wives nudge their husbands to visit their mums, maybe your DIL would do the same for you? With careful wording, it doesn't have to alienate your DIL.

I do not think she would do this, I always message DS directly and recently she sent out a photo message to me and DH (separately) on facebook that was a picture like an invitation for the outdoor garden distanced grandparent 'party' they had, we had already told DS we were going before the 'invite' and she commented at the party there was no food for us as we hadn't replied. She was joking and of course we were given food and cake to take home but I felt it was unneccessary.

For a bit of perspective maybI refer the original poster to a thread asking us all to stop whinging.
The poster informs us that several of her ex colleagues are in intensive care with Covid and unlikely to survive.

May I refer

We were supposed to be going to our DD, SIL, and 2 DGC this year for Xmas, but we have suggested that they go to the other inlaws with our son in laws sister and family instead. Why? The other set of parents are usually in Spain f o r the winter, but got stsuck here, and they all live in the same County so the same tier. In addition my daughter g her and family are moving on 22nd December, so the l as t thing they need is us.

We live 3 hrs away, in tier 3. Yes there is a break over the Xmas period, but I'm not sure that anyone has let this virus know that.......seems to mebe there will be a lot of very poorly people in January, and I'm not going to be the one responsible for infecting our family.

We will have a quiet Xmas just the two of us, but I'm sure it will be lovely. What I would say though, is if Xmas I s a time for giving and thinking of others maybe we have a responsibility as the parents to m make our children's Christmases as easy as possible, even if we do feel left behind.

And remember......Coronavirus doesn't know it's meant to die over Xmas, do you want to be responsible l e for infecting your family, particularly if you are behaving k less strictly than them?

I remain unconvinced that this poster is real.

We are the opposite. Our nephew wants us to break the rules and join 3 other households on Christmas Day st their house. I’ve said no but they and my sister can’t see our point. They said who would know!!

I feel your pain we are always see mil they see her every Thursday and Sunday of course she is their bubble .I see the kids sd once a week for minutes not allowed in or hugs DGD1 is distraught as we are very close. Fed up with it and chstmas just playing into mil hands she is smugly organising Christmas Dinner we don't get a look in . If it wasn't for the DGD s I would sell up and move to tge coast !

This thread is strange, the son is very close to the Grandmother rings her weekly, he does not call his Mother she has to call him. If this post is true there seems to be a big background story here.
I also noticed the son was very concerned about his Grandmother and asked his Mother to have her over for Christmas. You seem to have a strange relationship with your Mother and not a very good one with your son.
I think you just need to accept what your son and daughter in law have offered.

*Ohhhhh Grannylancs - still not really getting it are you?
No-one here has said you sat plotting to infect a baby with any sort of illness.
It was careless and a bit selfish, but you can’t change what happened. What myself and others are encouraging you to do is to acknowledge this. Acknowledge that your behaviour wasn’t appropriate and apologise for it. Your intentions have no bearing on the outcome here - I have no doubt you love your GC and wouldn’t want to harm them, but you need to be accountable for the fact that you did in fact put him at risk health wise. And then took more risks than your DS and his family were comfortable with during the pandemic.
I sincerely hope you do a bit of self reflection on this, I have read umpteen threads which start like this and end in a strained relationship or estrangement because one party struggles to admit fault without trying to make excuses.
Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes or says the wrong thing at times, so please don’t get defensive - people are trying to give you a different viewpoint which may help you moving forward.*

Wise words Lolo81

My DS is an only child but DILs family have more children they could spend time with. How am I meant to not be hurt by this decision?
Because it’s not about you.
By this reasoning, they should never see her family because they have other children.

Sniffles mean a cold. I think you are beyond selfish for putting your wants above their needs and still visiting with a cold knowing they were isolating. I truly do not understand how you can keep justifying this to yourself as normal.

The fact that you had your husband tell your son off as though he were a child is beyond the pale.

I swear I’ve read your post before though. Have you posted about this issue regarding the Christmas cold in the past?

Also, don’t think that because you haven’t told your son that you think his wife is horrible that he doesn’t know. Trust me, they both know.

I thought this was unreasonable of them too. They do not want to come inside at all as we aren't in their bubble.

The problem is that this IS their viewpoint and their feelings. They are entitled to have that view and those feelings and to do what they feel is appropriate and they appear to be sticking to the rules. Whether one agrees with them doesn't change the fact that they will do what they think is right for them/their child/family.

It is good that you have made contact and apologised and I think your DIL's offer shows that they do still want to maintain a positive relationship with you which is great. She is trying to provide special family time to make up for missing out this Christmas.

I know you are feeling hurt and angry but I truly think you need to look at this differently in order to keep a positive dynamic in your family. You say that you have a strange relationship with your Mum. Maybe this Xmas is a chance to reconnect a bit more and enjoy each others company.

PestyOne, if you were nearer to me I would want you on Christmas Day and any other day. You have seen the dark side of the moon but my goodness you have a big heart yourself, no wonder your friend would like you with them, don’t shun them, just little steps to let them into your life.

Try to let it go.It could cause huge rifles if. It carries on.
Spend Christmas with your mum,I think she’d appreciate it.Some years ago my own mum was terminally ill and I had to talk her into coming to my house.I’d have gone there but she didn’t want that.she wouldn’t eat her dinner at the table, she was worried she’d spill it,so I made her comfy in the room adjoining where we were.
It was a compromise. She told me she’d had a lovely time and felt comfortable and included.That was our last. Heist as together
Spend yours with your mum and feel grateful

Waves to Lucca

So you have your answer there. They don't want to see you until such time as a vaccine is rolled out and received. As they are seeing DIL's family before this, this could possibly have roots in the cold leading to surgery postponement issue. Is their child still medically vulnerable? Or maybe they just don't want to risk it because of what has happened before? I think some people have decided to isolate as much as possible until a vaccine regardless of any other reason, so you might just have to accept that this is your waiting time, whatever the reason.

You did offer a reasonable compromise to stop by for a short time. From their refusal I take they are not comfortable coming inside. This probably is because of past history. Was outside an option? Can you post gifts or drop them on the doorstep?

Don't blame your DIL for this. This is a decision her and your son have made jointly.

'I don't understand why, having asked if they could pop round so you can have "a little visit for an hour", the response has been "that they didn't want to just go and get presents".'

Perhaps because grannylancs only invited her son and GS to pop round. That was a bit pointed wasn't it? I think your DiL must be very good-hearted grannylancs to offer to do fake Christmas later. As GPs we really don't have any right of access to DGC, be grateful.

Perhaps because grannylancs only invited her son and GS to pop round. That was a bit pointed wasn't it? I think your DiL must be very good-hearted grannylancs to offer to do fake Christmas later. As GPs we really don't have any right of access to DGC, be grateful.

I missed that detail. Surely DIL was included in the invitation? If not, I can see why it might have been declined.

Be very careful OP. I don't make efforts with people who clearly aren't interested in me. If your DIL is the primary caregiver and, as is often the case, the more likely to organise social contact in her family, leaving her out and having her sense she is blamed for things probably won't go well for you in the longer term. It gets tiring and too hard after a while. A little speculation there but something to think about.

All this fuss over one day. For goodness sake everyone. Be thankful for any time you can spend with family. Thousands have lost family to Covid this year. They don't have a choice. Count your blessings and look forward. One day really does not matter..... Peace x

PestyOne, I am very moved by your post, and will think about you this Christmas. You have taken the rough with the smooth, and you’ve thought about others along the way. You haven’t asked for or expected anything from others - you have friends who want you in their lives - that says a lot about you.

I hope the house you have inherited, your new job, and when “normality” makes it possible, the opportunities awaiting you in your new surroundings, will all bring you happiness. I also hope your son will one day see that he has a good mother.

All the very best to you x

It's all very difficult OP and whatever the circumstances in the past it is understandable you feel left out - that's a natural reaction. However the best advice I was ever given as a new grandma was to button it - to not comment or criticise. I am an only child married to an only child whose Mum was very demanding of our company. To counteract this we always had both sets of parents to us for Xmas Day with our three children. This was obviously relatively easy as there were no siblings to consider. I then always insisted we had Boxing Day on our own. Now we are grandparents we go with the flow of whatever they want to do. This year we were due to have our youngest son join us on Xmas Day for the first time in five years as his girlfriend is working. Previous years they've spent with her parents as they're a couple and it was important they spend the time together. They would then come to us for a get together with our other children and grandchildren when was best to suit all. I am so ready to consider everyone else that apparently my daughter sometimes think we don't bother so you can't win.

grannylancs, I think, instead of feeling 'excluded', you should be very relieved at not being pressured to mix with all and sundry.

Just think of the potential chance of infection (Coronavirus is very highly infectious). Is it really worth the risk?

Also, it's just not polite to try to 'invite yourself' is it? Why not settle for a cosy Christmas for two?

I remember, years ago, my sister tried to rearrange the date and time of a family gathering, to which we'd invited her.

She wanted (and expected) a dozen people to change all their plans as the date wasn't 'convenient' for her!

I had to remind her that, as a guest, her choice was simply to accept or decline the invitation.

What a strange post ‘Much Ado about Nothing’ springs to mind. During these tragic times, with so much stress and strife, the last thing of importance on our minds should surely be where we have our Christmas dinner! Please with due respect just get things in proportion!