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Mixed messages to grandchildren

(36 Posts)
georgia101 Mon 14-Dec-20 10:39:21

We are very close to our grandchildren, aged between 8 and 13, having looked after them for years while their mum was ill, and were/are a very stabilising part of their lives. They now live with their fathers but used to stay with us at weekends until the pandemic. They have been fairly accepting of the need to not meet up, but lately they have all been meeting up and going to events with their other grandparents and other family members despite us all being in Tier 2. We have told them we can't have them here this Christmas as we are vulnerable, but what message are they getting when we say one thing, and the rest of the family do another. They keep asking when they can come here again and the answer is as soon as it's safe again and we hope to have the vaccination asap. I find it very upsetting.

NotTooOld Mon 14-Dec-20 10:48:38

I sympathise, georgia101, as we have similar problems. My dd has told the dgc that it is because we are 'much older' than the other grandparents. Ouch!

Tangerine Mon 14-Dec-20 10:49:24

Are you able to walk much? Sorry to be nosy but I wondered if you would be able to go for a walk with your grandchildren even if you are shielding? Is that a possibility?

It is awkward when one part of the family wants to do one thing and others have a different view with Covid.

Everyone in my family is compliant but some stretch the rules more than others! None of them would break the law.

Hope you see your grandchildren soon.

Daisymae Mon 14-Dec-20 11:03:44

In a similar boat. Talking to someone this morning and she said that her parents have just given up and carrying on as normal. It's not a risk that I feel that I want to take, especially with the vaccine actually in some GPs surgeries.

Toadinthehole Tue 15-Dec-20 09:51:19

You must stand by what you are saying. It’s difficult when others don’t follow the rules, and then having to explain this to young people, without sounding like you’re putting them down. However,this is about your lives and safety. My oldest granddaughter is eight, and understands that, so yours should. Whatever the health status of the other grandparents, and families, they are still breaking the law. Tell them you love them, and will see them as soon as it is safe to do so. Maybe, outside, up to six of you? Even if your grandchildren don’t accept/ like it now, in the future they’ll see you were right, and that the rest of the family took risks, with their health as well.
Take care and look after yourselves.

trisher Tue 15-Dec-20 09:57:12

Are they in bubbles with some of the others? It sounds as if they have different fathers and some family mixing is allowed for divided families. It sounds very sad for you, but I agree asking them to meet up outside may be an option.

Luckygirl Tue 15-Dec-20 10:11:51

I am in the same situation - but I just explain to them that the virus is more serious the older you get and that the other GPs are 10 years younger.

cornergran Tue 15-Dec-20 23:13:42

Same for us. There’s exactly 20 years between me and the other grandparents, 25 between them and Mr C. We send cards and silly little gifts, this week Mr C drew something to post. They know we love them, that’s enough. We have similar conversations about sleepovers georgia, the question keeps coming but there’s no upset when we go down the well worn conversational It is upsetting but the important thing is for all of you to stay well.

CanadianGran Wed 16-Dec-20 02:56:16

All the more reason for you to protect yourselves. The other side of the family is not being as careful as they need to be.

We must all do the best we can for ourselves and others. I know of some families that are carrying on as usual, but I cannot be responsible for their actions, and can only do what is best for me and my husband. We are not having visitors or dinner at Christmas although we would love to.

Calendargirl Wed 16-Dec-20 06:57:27


How can some of your family be compliant, but stretching the rules, yet wouldn’t break the law?

HeyHo Wed 16-Dec-20 09:16:00

I think the rules have become so complicated that lots of people are just bending them to suit.
My brother, who is 70, and in a tier 3 area tells me he 'sticks to the rules, unless he has something he needs to do' - this is an intelligent, affluent, chap.
Last weekend i t was his wedding anniversary, so he invited all his family around for a meal......

Toadinthehole Wed 16-Dec-20 09:43:04

Did anyone go HeyHo?

wildswan16 Wed 16-Dec-20 09:44:26

Children must be confused about all of this. I would make a special effort to say thank you to them "we know it is sad not to see each other but we are so proud of you for helping to make sure we don't get this nasty bug", or words to that effect. I'm sure you could put it much better!

Natasha76 Wed 16-Dec-20 09:54:12

You know that you are the one doing the right thing. Its the same as saying no to children about sweets at the checkout (as they used to be).
You need to do what you and your husband decide together and although it is very sad and hard sometimes its the best chance you both have of being around for the vaccine and next Xmas.
Not everyone makes the best decisions in life and this is no different.

luluaugust Wed 16-Dec-20 10:19:32

It is very hard, hopefully they are meeting outside? During a phone call a friend told me her small GS had been told he couldn't see gran as she was older and might get ill, the next time she spoke to him he said she would be up in the sky soon and he would wave to her! Is it possible they are asking to see you as they are worried about where you are, could you zoom or have them walk past the house and wave.

Gingergirl Wed 16-Dec-20 10:32:42

It’s very upsetting but I wonder how you would feel just going for a walk with them? Forget about doesn’t look like as many families will get together now anyway. But in tier 2, you can meet outdoors within a group of six and you may all enjoy that at some point. If you have to totally shield, then perhaps it’s not on (although I’m sure you’ve been out at some point this year) but otherwise, personally, I’d arrange some short little visits outside just to say hello. (In fact that is what we will have to do at Christmas as we don’t want to be inside with family). Some contact must be better than none.

sandelf Wed 16-Dec-20 10:33:39

The message they will get is the truth. - Some people take the safety of others seriously, some don't. It is only tradition that makes the 25th and 31st 'special' days. This one year we have to accept we cannot 'mark' them as we usually do.

georgia101 Wed 16-Dec-20 10:47:45

Thank you for all the supportive replies here. We are both unable to walk far but have a disabled scooter we share between us, so will arrange to meet outside for a while. Our youngest granddaughter has a different dad to the others so they have always met up with each other here since their mum died. They miss each other too but live too far apart (and the dads don't get on) for them to meet at other times. Yes, it's hard for everyone this year in so many ways for different people, Keep safe everyone and Merry Christmas however you spend it.

GreyKnitter Wed 16-Dec-20 10:48:35

Really hard when some bend the rules to suite themselves. Xx

ReadyMeals Wed 16-Dec-20 11:07:58

I haven't seen my grandson in person since March, but I am "seeing" him more than I ever did since he learnt how place his own video calls. I now have to cope with his grinning face at the crack of dawn when I can hardly open my eyes. And he's discovered it's a great prank to hang up as soon as I pick up!

Riggie Wed 16-Dec-20 11:18:19

We still have the occasional doorstep visit withba suitabke distance between us.

Gwenisgreat1 Wed 16-Dec-20 11:24:37

georgia101. Can you 'zoom' them? My DD is arranging to Zoom the children opening their pressies?

Jo1960 Wed 16-Dec-20 11:49:47

I really feel for you, I'm now seeing my grandchildren as we're in a support bubble but for months I didn't see them. My youngest GD aged 4 said she wished the police would shoot that bad bug, apparently they shouldn't catch it and put it in prison because it might hurt them!

ReadyMeals Wed 16-Dec-20 11:52:55


I really feel for you, I'm now seeing my grandchildren as we're in a support bubble but for months I didn't see them. My youngest GD aged 4 said she wished the police would shoot that bad bug, apparently they shouldn't catch it and put it in prison because it might hurt them!

Definitely a supporter of the death penalty for murder then!

Doreen5 Wed 16-Dec-20 12:38:40

We're in a similar position and
the other grandparents are slightly younger but with health problems. They have bent the rules many times so they can mix with the grandchildren and we have not. Our little grandchildren are confused and have been told it's because we're older. We have no health problems. Their live-in daughter has just recovered from Covid! If it were down to my daughter she would not let the grandchildren mix so readily, however, her husband doesn't agree and thinks she is too cautious. They will all b