Grandson has failed his Degree

Oh dear I feel so sorry for this young man! I'm sorry, I've not read all that's been said, and I know much good advice will have been offered. I am horrified at the attitude of his mother - this is when he needs her support, not acrimonious criticism. This is not the end of the world! There's never just one way to reach a destination. Is this even a destination he wants to reach. He needs a quiet supportive discussion - when HE'S ready - about what HE'D like to achieve in life and what path HE'D like to take to reach that goal. I wish him all the luck and love in the world x

You have outed your daughter at Coutts, yourself and your teacher daughter by giving such specific. You might like to ask for your posts to be deleted.

Why this obsession with marking success as how much people earn, irrespective of whether or not they graduated? Not everyone wants to be a management trainee, not everyone wants or has the mindset to be an entrepreneur, some of our children, irrespective of their intelligence/intellectual ability would be stifled by traditional career paths.

You are obviously a fabulous grandparent as your DGS has turned to you. Take him on holiday with his uncle and younger cousins, maybe he will open up to you, maybe not, but he will find his way, he is only 21. My son took a while, despite an excellent degree, and is working in a very different field from where he started. More importantly, he is happy, settled, looking forward to where it will lead.

Must be very hard on him and upsetting, stressful and depressing… sometimes you have to have a few weeks of this feeling and allow it. Then you have to get perspective, no one has died, he has his whole life ahead of him and as others has said, can he do a re sit? Sounds harsh, it’s just reality, at some point we all have to move on. Having said that, be kind and allow him time to let it sink in, much worse things will happen in his life, we all have many ups and downs, still a very difficult time for him and you all.

My dil failed her medical degree, she cried for 3 months then picked herself up and 20 years on is a very successful marketing director for a major bank, there can be light at the end of the tunnel, good luck to him

My granddaughter got a first in Law and is finding it almost impossible to get a job on the first rung of the ladder, every time employers are asking for more experience. She is so disillusioned now she is changing tack altogether for her future career. A lot of hard work and time not exactly wasted but not put to the best use she feels now. A cautionary tale.

BlueBelle

Oh I feel for him so much, not so much the failing but the family with high expectations, and the fact he obviously feels so down and so much a failure that he’s come to stay with you.
I m sorry but I have no time for parents who are ‘high achievers’ and expect everyone to follow in their footprints.

If I can just add the highest two monetary achievers in my family are two who had no interest in further education and went to work at 16 and 17 and went straight into hard work, ambition, and climbed the rungs on the inside

Please give your grandson as much encouragement and positivity as you can and please let him stay at yours I don’t want him going home to be put down and chastised for not coming up to his families expectations

Please support him as much as you possible can

*BlueBelle - your comment rung true with me...

Once I had to leave my husband due to abuse, my eldest daughter came to live with me and my youngest stayed with her dad, which was fine until my health issues became much worse - I was in hospital a lot, and my eldest daughter just would NOT go to school. Her Gran would come down from Yorkshire to be with her, and my neighbour was great with her, but she took no notice of anybody. I grounded her once after she came back late one night completely stoned - she manged to get out of her window, went across the roof, and managed to get over a 6ft gate! So that didn't work! She got in with the bad crowd in the village, and did some really daft stuff and school just was not on her radar. After 5 admissions and 3 surgeries in 3 months, and talks/warnings that she would have to go back to her dad as I couldn't cope, she ended u back there, but didn't stop - this had a bad effect on my youngest who also stopped attending, and both left school with basically nothing, This absolutely enraged him who was a high achiever and the relationship between them just went. Several years later she got 5 unconditional offers to do a Masters Degree in Equine Science, and turned out to be VEY intelligent! Did the first year at a 1st level, and her aim was to get a better degree than her father! Sadly, her MH took a downturn and she had to stop - most of you know the rest.

Your DGS will feel so bad if his mum is acting disappointed, embarrassed and angry and it won't help him one bit, poor lad. Let him stay with you and try to find out what went wrong, and hopefully it can be rectified - he may gave even done it in the first place because it's what his mum wanted him to do? Things are far harder to do if you've no interest in them, (like my daughter's passion for horses!). I am sure he will find his way with a bit of encouragement from you, rather than his mother!

Dear crazyH

When my grandson was given some devastating news his Ma said something like

"I know this is is difficult to hear but I promise you that you will seldom feel as bad about this news as you do at this moment in time, so please take care of yourself. We will wait with you until you want to talk about what comes next."

It sounds as if you are helping hold his future, crazyH = full respect to you.

Please don’t be too harsh on the daughter in all of this, she’s hurting too! I’ve been there and know how she feels, which is pretty miserable.
Your daughter will pick herself up and be her sons’s strongest ally - I knew our son’s tutors better than he did - ha, ha, ha!
Get in touch with the uni see what can be offered then present the information to your grandson and ask what he wants.
Our son repeated his final year, graduated and is now happily married, two boys and an accountant in a high position earning telephone numbers salary.
Everything comes right in the end - as most posters have said it’s definitely not the end of the world

You do not say what course he was on; this could be quite important when deciding what should be his next step.

In addition, you do not indicate any mitigating circumstances.

It is hard to help you to help him without knowing at least a little more detail.

I realise this might sound a little cold, but we don't even know in what field his family are 'high achievers' or even how high is high, to them.

One of my grandsons dipped out of uni. He didn’t fail, just decided it wasn’t for him. He is now a carpenter, happy as Larry with the open air life and getting loads of work. A degree isn’t the be all and end all, especially these days.

How about the possibility of an apprenticeship? They are in cybersecurity and IT if that is his interest. If he is a practical person, then there is a huge shortage of competent builders, electricians, plumbers, and other skilled trades.

These people earn a very decent living wage, and everybody will need them at some point.

There are also the armed Forces.

I agree with …I love cheese ….I would keep an eye on him ❤️

"Look at David Linley’s abilities - he’s a wonderful craftsman, as are many others who haven’t been to university."

He did go to Parnham House which is a well known institution for training woodworkers. He then set up a workshop in Dorking where he made furniture for 3 years before setting up his company. He would have needed a lot of financial support - woodworking machinery is not cheap, especially that needed for thestyle and quality of the work tht eventually went on sale.

mousemac

You do not say what course he was on; this could be quite important when deciding what should be his next step.

In addition, you do not indicate any mitigating circumstances.

It is hard to help you to help him without knowing at least a little more detail.

I realise this might sound a little cold, but we don't even know in what field his family are 'high achievers' or even how high is high, to them.

I asked, and CrazyH replied.
It’s Business Studies

I have known a few young people (children of friends) who went to uni to study subjects such as law and accountancy - such "good careers". Some of them actually got jobs in those professions and hated it. Others did something else.

One child, whose parents were successful in their chosen metier, went to Cambridge which he didn't want to do, and had a breakdown. I asked his mother, my client, why, when they had not gone to uni, they wanted him to go. The answer was so that he could do well for himself.

Not every child has an idea of what they want to do later in life so why can't they defer uni until they've tried something else?

My daughter is a ‘high flyer ‘ and has two degrees and has her masters…and is a child psychiatrist …..my grandson at 16 has just announced he does not want to go to university ( he’s certainly clever enough) but instead he wants to take an apprenticeship in ‘something useful ‘ ….to this ends he’s got himself into an apprenticeship and his mum said. ‘OK, your choice”.I’m sure she’d say to your grandson “ plough your own furrow, and stop trying to live up to other people’s expectations”..,,,you should say the same to him ….and his mother should calm down and think of her sensitive young son!

Brilliant Saggi!

I second both the advice to find out whether he can resit his finals, or what alternative his university suggests, and the advice to give you daughter a right talking-to.

She has a right to feel agrieved if the young man has failed because he didn't do a stroke of work while at university and his mother paid the fees, but this is not really very likely.

Apart from that, you could sit your grandson down and ask him, what HE wants to do now. Is it the end of his world that he has failed, because all he ever wanted to be was whatever his degree would have made him?

If this is the case, he needs to find a way of persuing his dream, If he only went to university to please his mum, now is the time for him to make a bid to do or become whateverhe really, really would like.

In either case I am glad to hear that you are trying to help him.

Never despair..my nephew dropped out of uni and seemed as if he would never get a job, then he was a barista at Costa Coffee, managed some branches, trained others and now has a good job at a very good estate agents in London, sometimes, being pushed to be academic just doesn't work. He will find his way, just support him through this by being patient and showing you love him anyway

@crazyH he's lucky he's got you stepping in and looking out for him. I'm so glad he has as mental health is a massive issue - particularly with young men (who don't tend to speak out).

Just be there for him, love and support him and if he will talk, listen and offer guidance or suggest where he might get it.

Like others have said - University is the first port of call. Surely there will be a provision for such an instance where he can look at next options; resits, etc.

I hate that parents put pressure on children to follow certain paths when clearly we are not all of the same mould.

There are so many reasons why your grandson might have failed his exams and whatever that reason is - he is a person that clearly needs love, support and nurturing through this hiccup. That's all it is.

He will find his way and soon you'll look back on this as just a stepping stone along the way and he too will make his mark.

Good luck and give yourself a pat on the back for being a wonderful human being and in particularly a very supportive grandma. Well done you. I miss my Granny so much. Ones like you are a special breed xx

Poor lad maybe the expectations of family importance has played a bigger part than you all believe. I’d give the lad a break, sensitive and no girlfriends hopefully he has good lad friends because honestly there are far worse things to worry or get annoyed over. I think his mum should be concerned for his mental health rather than her own annoyance .

Please don't worry that he hasn't had a girlfriend. Someone I went to school had never had a girlfriend by the age of about 30. He told one of us he would like to get married, found someone and then went on to have a couple of children.

there was an old family near here, very established in the community as it had grown from agricultural to urban, over the generations.
the father was a doctor as was his first son.
the second son was expected to do the same.
this was before the nhs and they had a distinctive family name and good reputation, so, much work.
the second son had to take his finals 3 times; some doubted whether he ever really passed them.
his father had connections, was owed favours.
patients of let us call him fred, said he was not a good doctor, only went to him if no one else avail.
eventually fred retired and became what he had always wanted to be, a priest.

Poor lad. As many have said, it is not the ‘be all and end all’. One of my nieces dropped out from Uni. My mother had recently died and my niece took it very hard. She transferred to another course the following year and then decided that it just wasn’t for her. She is now 29 and has a fantastic job managing a team of 120 people at the Council. She is also happily married, happy in her life and a credit to her parents. Not only has it not held her back, it has been the making of her. I wish your grandson well and hope he finds the right path for him.